Need a little help please Updated

[LittleCloud]

It sounds like you need to rest your body and mind. Would keeping a journal or blog be helpful with processing the emotions?
These are things so many struggle with and you are doing so well just to get through another day. Keep fighting and post as much as you need

[talaiporia]

Jess, what do you think you'd say if the word 'fat' was banned? It seems like you say it so often that it's lost meaning, that it's become a word to define a feeling whenever you feel low or bad or things.

It sounds like guilt is a big thing for you, that it's almost overwhelming sometimes. Are you finding the therapy helpful in general?

[Uglyducklin]

I so appreciate your reply Sophia I've been thinking about what to say all day. No doubt the answer would be unrepeatable . I'm working hard to put words to the intense fat that is me they fail me in fact . The hatred and disgust is so intense that the only way it can go is to hurting myself and I literally want to rip myself apart. I've cried so much today and I did really badly at puppy class. I don't know anymore. I hate how melodramatic I am sorry :(

[talaiporia]

I hope I haven't upset you; that isn't my intention. It sounds like things are really tough. Have you talked about these feelings with the professionals you see? I am sure you didn't do badly at puppy class; these things are always worse in our perspective, than outsiders.

[Uglyducklin]

Sorry Sophia no you haven't offended me at all . I spoke to my gp and she has increased my Atarax. I just feel over run by thoughts and feelings of fat and the horror and flashbacks won't stop. I'm struggling to be ok. I hate myself for being fat again I fail at everything. Sorry thank you so much for your support.

[LittleCloud]

Low on words Jess but sending love <3

[Uglyducklin]

I'm losing control. I need to control the fat but again I've failed. So ****ing fat and dirty and ashamed and afraid . I can't stop the tears.

[talaiporia]

Jess, I think it's important be be mindful that your feelings, feeling fat, aren't necessarily representative of the truth. I think, even if you were impossibly tiny you would still feel the same as now the goals will keep moving. You can't 'win' with something like this. It's like chasing the end of a rainbow. You can't ever get there. The only way to beat it, is to recover.

Is there anyone you can talk to about things right now?

[Uglyducklin]

I'm sorry thanks Sophia. My eating disorders nurse and trauma therapist are away until next week. I saw my gp for a physical thing and explained how anxious I am and that things are slipping falling fast in my head. She increased my current medication an antihistamine for anxiety but it has done nothing. I'm terrified people won't believe how things have deteriorated as my weight isn't moving and of course this all that matters. I'm scared they will label me as bpd if I really say how I'm feeling and what I'm doing. It's happened so fast and the fat makes me ashamed. Thursday seems so far away as I can't take this to trauma work really. I feel such a failure. Sorry I'm so pathetic.

[talaiporia]

Do you think 'banning' the word 'fat' would be helpful or counter-productive? I remember (slightly on a tangent) watching a documentary about a boy who swore a lot and they wrote down every time he swore for an hour or something, and showed it to him and he stopped. That word has just escalated to the point where you use it every other sentence and it's lost almost all trace of it's original meaning, and I think it's likely to be impacting on your MH/ED.

[Uglyducklin]

I don't know Sophia. So drained I've cried for hours I feel like destroying myself. I can't be with myself let alone others. I feel trapped in my own body and I can't take the violent images and flashbacks in my head. I need to feel empty and thin. I being a burden to everyone I feel I'm breaking but I don't think I deserve help or what I should do. I can't take my size or what's happening in my head. :(

[Uglyducklin]

Hate my body and myself. Constant flashbacks in my head. So hard not cut and punish. Sorry I'm such a burden and so scared to reach out to professionals :(

[chinahorse]

Can you try and distract yourself or ground yourself?

Why are you scared to reach out to professionals?

[Uglyducklin]

Hi Lillie thanks your post means a lot. I've tried to distract but it seems to only work so far. I've slept and have woken up a bit spaced out might not be a bad thing as I can't pull any thoughts together distressing or other wise. I'm ashamed that I'm struggling with the trauma work and I'm scared they won't believe me as my weight hasn't dropped but my body is still screwed up and full of fluid. I'm sorry I'm being a drama queen. I should just man up and accept I'm stuck like a whale and that crying for hours is pathetic when others are going through so much more. Sorry I don't know where my head is at. I hope you are hanging in there .

[chinahorse]

Maybe you could try and do things you enjoy, to try and keep yourself busy then? Nothing taxing- maybe a craft activity or something.

Maybe you need to talk to them about what else you could do to support yourself through the distressting trauma work? They can't help if they don't know. But surely relapsing in other areas in not something they want either.

Or maybe you could use some sessions/ other proffesionals to work on body acceptance type stuff. I think there are also a couple of good books on that topic too.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Lillie I'm trying to I'm puppy training still but even this gets on top of me. Mum and I are moving and there is a lot stress around much of what I enjoy feels like it's up reachable. I hate myself for being so pathetic and breakable. I can't bear the fat and it's time to eat and I don't need or want food. For all the fat and trauma to start again . Sorry I'm rambling.

[chinahorse]

What about little activities you could do every day that you enjoy? Reading or watching tv or a nice bubble bath or something?

Moving is always really stressful.

You need food or you die to be bunt. The body is a machine that requires fuel in that respect.

You didn't say if you'd be willing to work on accepting your body as it is or if you'd be abel to talk to your professionals about ways to manage your distress so that it doesn't cause your eating to spiral.

[Uglyducklin]

Sorry yes I forgot that bit my brain ran away. I'm going to do more body image stuff but eating disorder appointments have been more about supporting me through trauma and improving aspects of my eating. God I just feel so over run with it. I can't take the shame I don't know how to stop losing control I'm so ashamed. I just need to tear the fat off. I'm so sorry.

[chinahorse]

well seeing as tearing off fat cant happen can you try other things to self soothe and take your mind away from those thoughts. you say the sessions have been supporting you through trauma work, what sorts of things ahve they suggested that you can do? do you think itd be helpful to ask to do some work on body image etc?

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Hun I'm trying to read notes for puppy class or a book but none of it is going in. Trying to suppress urges to self harm too but feel I need to punish somehow or make the flashbacks less as pain is grounding. God I wish the sodding anti anxiety meds actually worked. I'm going to ask about the body image stuff. I just can't picture accepting it, that feels like failure. My mind is so messed up. Your support means such a lot x