Well, the meeting is over. I'm so frigging exhausted though. I don't get how life can exhaust me like this. Bah.
Anyway, it wasn't as negative as I thought it might be. I explained how I thought I was ready to go back to work and how my GP/Psych didn't think I should be off any longer. I explained about the money situation and how being home all the time was making things worse. How I wanted some form of structure and purpose to my life again - it'd make me feel better. They really did actually seem to listen to me. They said they'd been looking at if there were any alternative roles within the company I would consider - but they're all at the other offices where I don't know anyone. I think it'd be a better the devil you know kind of situation. I think it'd make going back worse if I have to face new people and a new role to learn.
Anyway, my manager (N) said she'd give me a week to look over the different roles and see if there's any I'd like to look into. I can ring her in the week if I have questions though. So, she's gonna call on Friday to see how things are. In the mean time the director of HR (L) gave me a form I need to fill out and post back to her giving her permission to write to my GP and Psych to ask their opinion on my mental state/stability. So, I'm gonna talk to both of them properly on Monday at my appointments about whether they do still agree that I should be back at work - after my recent hospital visit. Then I can fill in the form and send it in to her. She's gonna write to my OT and see what she says about it.
Then they've (L and N) asked if I will go back in for a meeting with them on the 17th to see where we are with things and how things are going with me.
So, all in all, I guess it was pretty positive.
When we'd finished in the meeting (N) asked if I'd go into the contact centre because people have been asking after me, and knew I was coming in today so I said yes. There's something I've realised that's never really hit me before - I have been spending the last God knows how long feeling so damn lonely but today I didn't - I talked honestly about how I was doing and what had been happening with me recently and everyone was REALLY supportive. They were all telling me how much they missed me and how much they wanted me to come back. They were even organising to meet up with me at lunch one day to catch up. So, being off work HAS made me feel worse because it's made me feel so damn alone all the time - all day every day...but if I was at work I'd see these people care about me and want me to get better. So, maybe that's something I need to say to L and N and my OT. Also, something to mention to my GP/Psych.
L also said that if or when it came to the point where I'm ready to return to work it will not be a kind of throw me into the deep end thing - it would always be phased and as quick or as slow as I want/need it to be; so I guess that's a weight off my mind because I was worried how it would go.
I kind of felt like today was...not a good day...but not a bad day either.
Blah. I'm still exhausted though.
Honey- This is brilliant news. I am so very glad it was more positive for you than you thought it would be. Thats something really positive darlin and I am glad you have the support of N and L and your colleagues.
Its good your going to speak to Dr and Psych. I hope it goes well.
Sorry, no more words, keep that chin up darling- your doing amazingly xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
The truth? You want to know the God damn truth? Really? Fine...here it is for all to see; I hate myself. I truly fucking despise myself. I want nothing more than to cut myself to pieces and bleed it all away. I seem much better? Wanna know why that is? BECAUSE I'M GETTING SO MUCH BETTER AT HIDING IT ALL. The bare truth of it is that I am falling to pieces more and more with each passing day; I have NO ONE. I am ALONE. None of my bastard friends who live close by care about me. I don't plan on leaving my house except for appointments for the foreseeable future. I plan on laying on this damn sofa, eating nothing, doing nothing, drinking whatever fucking alcohol we have in the house to block out the damn scary thoughts that all this is my fucking fault and I caused it all. To stop their faces appearing in my mind. To stop his voice in my head - fat. whore. slag. tramp. ugly. worthless. unloved. Over and fucking over it goes. I am tormented by flashbacks during the day and nightmares when darkness falls. I am to blame for every fucking thing that's gone wrong in my life. I have always bitched about how I want to be alone and what do I get? There. I'm alone. Completely and one fucking hundred percent. Even my own mother doesn't bother checking in on me any more...and you know what? I'm glad. I don't need her, and I don't need you saying this shit to me right now. I am not worth this. I don't help anyone. I trigger them. Hurt them. Worry them. Push them to the very edge and then cry when they finally jump off it. I use people. I am the worst fucking human being imaginable. In fact, scratch that, I'm not human. I am the worst fucking piece of scum imaginable. I am something you wouldn't even wipe off the bottom of your shoe. I know this. You know this. EVERYONE fucking knows this. So why the lies? Why the façade? Why the pretend 'How are you?'s or 'We care's? I am not worth your worry or your care. I should be left alone to crawl into a fucking hole and die. I really should. You're surprised at this anger towards myself? Really? You have no fucking idea how I see myself do you? I look into the mirror and I just want to smash it to pieces. In my eyes I can see them all - all the people I've let down and not helped. All the people I could have saved but because I'm so damn selfish and insular I didn't. Now they're gone and their ghosts live on in my eyes. They stare back at me with confusion and disappointment. I am a fat, ugly whore who doesn't even deserve someone to love her. I'm not even worth the oxygen I breathe. I should have been slaughtered long ago. Way before I got this far into other people's lives. I wish I was a fucking stain on my let-down-of-a-mothers bedsheets. I really fucking do. I'm upsetting you? Really? This is a fucking walk in the park for me. Not. I have these people offering help and all I keep doing is getting back to this God damn dark pit of self-loathing and pity. I don't care any more. I really fucking don't. You can't handle me? Fine. Don't. I don't give a fuck. Yes I'm ranting and you're going to think I'm going to calm down and later, or tomorrow, I'll regret saying all this, or I'll get some form of faith back...but you're wrong. These are all the things I have been meaning to say for so very long now...and I guess I'm just sick of having this ball of hatred and fire inside my chest. I let Ben down because I didn't save him. I broke my family and ruined their lives. I didn't save Tom and ruined more lies. Every fucking one of them who've gone...it's all my fucking fault and I can't stand to be in my skin any more. I want to cut all my fucking skin off and just lay there in a puddle of blood. I want to burn it all away. I want to pour ****** and other cleaning products on me to get this fucking evil out of my skin...but you know what? That's not enough because it's in my fucking bones. It's in my fucking core. I AM IT. There's no getting away from it. There's no hiding it any more. There's evil in my eyes. There's poison in my words. There's darkness in my soul. In fact, no, I just don't have a soul. I am a monster and no fucking one should have to put up with my presence any more. I shouldn't be inflicted on people any more.
There. Now you know the truth. Care to tell me I'm okay now?
N.B - this isn't directed at anyone on RYL or elsewhere on the internet. I wrote it to a friend and I guess it just explains properly. I appreciate all of you guys supporting me, I really do, and I love you all to bits...but feeling like this ^ just gets too much sometimes. I'm slowly losing the fight I had.
Im sorry you're struggling so much at the moment. I wish there was something I could do to help.
But just know, you aren't any of those things and you have no reason to hate yourself, you are an amazing person with a great heart who has given so much support to others. Stay strong honey, i believe in you *hugs more*
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Im glad the people seeemed supportive and def. tell L and N bout the support and how its better at work then home.
Youre letter.... good way of expressing self. I feel the same way bout myself.... this friend an ctual friend or like one of those more acquaitance types? just curious.
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Not sure. Can't figure brain out right now. Not helping that both side neighbours are arguing - can't get away from it. Gah. Yeah, friend but not one I have told things to because of hiding it from her which is why went off on one.
I really don't think I can do this any more. I'm struggling so badly. I am completely alone and just want everything to end now >.< I'm too scared to call crisis. I have no one else. I just need to make it til Monday afternoon but I'm not sure I can >.<
Sorry I don't have anything to say to help people.
Don't be scared to call crisis. Its worth a try hun. Please just pick up the phone. Try. Please. Whats the worst that could happen?!
Whats monday afternoon sweetpea? I believe in you. You can make it hun. I know you can.
Its not time for things to end yet darling. Not time. Your time will come, but its certainly not now and not for a long time. Please keep fighting.
With you always xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Don't know what could happen. Last times I've called ended up in hospital - that happens I can wave goodbye to work.
Monday afternoon is Psych appointment. GP in morning, Diabetic Clinic at lunchtime and Psych in afternoon. Want to tell him about things but I'm scared what it's gonna cause. Don't want to be admitted but I think there's a real possibility if I tell him.
I feel like I've gone past the point where things should have ended. I feel like I'm now on borrowed time.
I had such a horrible dream last night - my throat physically hurts from the dream about hanging myself. I don't get it. I so badly want to prove to everyone that I'm stable and safe but I'm not and I'm getting worse.
x Katie x
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
