And I an hour I have go get uo and go tocwoek like nothing. All normal. When people look at me I wonder if they can tell. I'm deeply ashamed about the things i've done in my life. I've been such s uckign whore. There's so much going in in my head. I would be lying if I said thogyhrs of harm haven't crossed my mind. But nowhrr on my body is private. It will all bee seen and heyll know what a whore I am. Te scars so ****ed io. I'm so tired I could just cry. Big girls don't cry. I hate myself. I will rot in hell.
well Simon has gone away now. He's managed to smash his wing mirror already and doesn't know where he's done it. Hope he didn't hit someone elses car!
I have an assessment this afternoon with the CMHT for my new area. I hate new stuff. I hate not knowing who i'm going to see and what i'm going to say. Saving grace is though i'm able to work from home for the next few days so i dont have to worry about seeing anyone before my appt. I don't even know what to wear. At the moment i have joggers and a hoodie on but will that be too casual? Its just they're comfy to wear over my massive stomach. I don't want to make a bad impression. This is ridiculous!
Oh wow that was triggering. The guy was absolutely lovely but just having to recite my depressing life story just makes me so upset.
I want to harm. Oh god do I want to harm. Just having to talk about it. My fingers ache. Just have to last another 6 weeks but ****ing hell. I don't know if I can last.
I knew it!! I knew he'd jump on this ****ing bandwagon. Well yeah ok maybe you win but please give it a rest. I'm sorry I know I know. Really. There's stuff I have to do though. I can't start everything off like this. I have to walk the dog.
I think this is when i should text someone or something. Been considering who i could contact and i keep drawing a blank. So i will just sit here and do nothing. Shock, horror.
"The referral to us says your a very complex young woman"
"Ummm, thanks?"
"what happened a few years ago"
"something bad"
"can you tell me more"
"well,like what happened when i was little but just bigger and a stranger"
"you were assaulted"
"mmmhmmm"
"sexually?"
"yea"
"did he go all the way?"
"yea"
"did you tell anyone or report it?"
"no"
"why not?"
"i have no idea"
Why didn't a report it? People have asked that before and i never know what to say. I was too scared? I wanted to forget it had happened? I thought i deserved it and had lead him on? All of the above.
"When did you tell your husband?"
"A year ago"
"but didn't it happen 3 years ago?"
"Yeah"
"Oh"
Yeah i know i should have told him sooner but i didnt ok?
"When do you see your CPN?"
"I dont have one"
"but the psychiatrists report from March said they were supposed to set you up with one"
"well i didnt know that"
"So you dont have one"
"Not since i was 17"
"Oh"
"Have they done any investigations with regards to the voices?"
"Investigations?"
"The psychiatrists report says they were going to investigate whether or not they were psychotic in nature or not"
"No they didnt"
"Oh"
"Have you ever overdosed"
"Yes"
"What did you take?"
"Which time?"
"The last time"
"X,Y,Z"
"How many of each"
"A,B,C"
"How did they treat it?"
"Who?"
"Well whoever you got treatment off? GP? Hospital?"
"I never went anywhere for treatment"
"Well who did you tell?"
"Well noone at the time"
"What about your husband?"
"He still doesnt know"
"So what happened?"
"I stayed in bed for a few days till i wasn't sick anymore and then eventually about 2 weeks later told my therapist who told my GP who made me get blood tests"
"Why didn't you get help?"
"Because i didnt care enough about whether i'd done damage to myself"
He was such a nice guy. Like really really nice but he asked me at the end what i wanted from them. How do i know? I mean everything i've ever been given has been because of some crisis or because the person couldnt handle me anymore and i was passed on. So, his recommendation is going to be to do nothing unless they get a call from my GP or therapist, which is fine really because there's not a lot they can do since im not on meds and about to pop a baby out. I was honest though, i told him i was scared that once i'd had the baby my reasons for not harming would no longer be there and i'd go back to it. He wrote something down. He said the health visitor will also be keeping an eye on me.
I know all this and i'm grateful he saw me and listened as much as he did and took care in writing down things right and stuff but this stuff takes so much out of me physically and mentally and then to come away knowing that if i did need support i'd still have to see my gp again to be referred it just seemed a bit pointless.
It doesnt help i'm alone tonight. I guess i'm just feeling totally sorry for myself. Please ignore my ramblings but i'll probably use this jjust to get some more stuff out of my head. Just on here its less damaging than going round in my head.
He asked what the voices say. Bad stuff was all i could manage. He asked if i could tell him more but i couldnt, i cant. I cant even say what they say in therapy. They have such a hold on me, well he does, i feel like if i say the really bad stuff something terrible is going to happen, i know it will. I look like a freak sitting here twitching and head moving but he won't be quiet and i can't help it. When i left the appt today i twitched and flinched all the way back to the car and home. I don't know if its anxiety or the voice that does it but i find it really hard to control when i've been sitting on it for so long, it just kinda bursts out once i'm alone.
I feel so awful even contemplating it. I've tried to google it to see if it will hurt him. I can't find a single thing. Surely i wouldn't be the only person who would do it. I don't want to hurt him but i don't know what else i can do to make my head shut up. Even just a little one might be enough. But i don't want to. I want to go my whole pregnancy staying safe. I'm so close. He's moving my tummy lots, he's trying to tell me not to do it, i want to get better, i don't want this. But he'll just keep going and maybe the stress of all this is worse. How can i justify this? i can't but i don't know what else to do.
Sam, is there anyone you can call hun? You really dont need to hurt yourself. Would playing music and wearing earphones block him out? Could you call the crisis team for support? xx
I don't think there is, not anyone who could actually do something helpful as noone can come and be with me which is what i need.
I have the tv on in the background but i can't use headphones as i get paranoid someone is coming after me and i need to be able to hear everything.
I don't have a crisis team here. They were from my old area which i've moved out of. Plus i'm not really in crisis, i just feel awful and i want to self harm but thats not enough to need a professional.
I think when youre at home on your own its easier for these damaging thoughts to creep up on you...could you do something to keep your mind occupied...Im sure in the past you used to do arty crafty stuff..i may be wrong and if so, am sorry...but try to block out these thoughts by occupying your mind with other activities if you can xxx
im going to try and go to bed in a bit. even if i manage a few hours of sleep now once im in bed i dont get out (fear and stuff) so even if i wake up by 12 or 1 or whatever i wont move then so i'm safe, well from myself anyway.
I do do crafty stuff though yeah, i had planned on doing some before but it all went out of the window a little when i started freaking out.
Thank you. I'm in bed now. Everythif is just playing and playing in my mind. I wish it wasn't late. I could even just call for a normal chat so o know I'm not alone. I could try be normal. It's too late though. I'm in bed and I'm frightened. Frightened like a little child is of the dark. Of the monsters under the bed. Even milly is on high alert which is freaking me out more even though I know it's just the neighbours. It's quite scary.
