Contains abuse - JodiE/MeaCulpa needs your support - Page 7

Sleepless123 · 30-04-2011, 07:06 AM

Thinking of you Jodie and your being really brave.

im so sorry for all youve been through and all your still going through with this and the others are absolutely right too when they say none of this is your fault and also just cos things have happened many times to you [and by different people] doesnt make it your fault either.i know thats hard to believe sometimes as i have had a few sort of half similar issues [though nothing as serious] but it is what my team tell me and i hope one day you can see this too - you are vulnerable but that doesnt mean it was you.However hard that is to believe right now.And i know it can be really hard to believe cos i still struggle with it but i really hope you can get there and i believe you can.i have faith in you and you are so strong.You really are a fighter and you can do this.

Sorry im rambling.Apart from what ive said above what i was posting to say was a massive well done for calling NHS Direct [and everything else youve done] and i really hope you got a call back and that they were helpful but also that i live in a medium size town in the south west but i know our NHS walk in centre is open 8am to 8pm seven days a week so i dont know how much they can help you but if you are down near London way at all im almost certain there should be something that way open too regardless of it being a weekend hopefully and i really hope you manage to find somewhere and get the medical attention and support you need.

Also if not as said above could you perhaps contact your out of hours GP or even your local A and E Department for help/suggestions of where to go?Although i realise too that would be very hard for you to have to do on top of everything else your going through too.

Thinking of you.

xx xx

Buttons. · 30-04-2011, 07:44 AM

I hope you manage to get something sorted out before Monday sweetheart *cuddles*

Bellatrix · 03-05-2011, 10:36 AM

I'm going for the tests today. Scared. They'll touch me.

Buttons. · 03-05-2011, 03:57 PM

I can appreciate how scary that is hon, especially given what you've been through but I know from experience they will be as a gentle as possible and especially if you tell them what happened will be very careful to go at your pace and stop when you feel uncomfortable.

Bellatrix · 03-05-2011, 05:11 PM

Fuck it. Fuck life. I actually give up.

Stellata · 03-05-2011, 05:56 PM

What happened, Jodie?

Bellatrix · 03-05-2011, 06:01 PM

I went all over the palce today looking for somewhere to get tested but no where was open for appointments/had funding to do it.

I even rang the Havens rape crisis and they told me to go to a clinic that had closed for appointments. Told you it was my fault. Even they wouldn't help me.

I can't deal with this.

Buttons. · 03-05-2011, 06:11 PM

They do want to help you sweetheart, it is NOT your fault. Keep trying hon, okay? Keep trying. What about the place we went to for the morning after pill? Even if they can't do it they may be able to advise where to go?

Bellatrix · 03-05-2011, 06:18 PM

They don't have the funding to do it anymore so they said try the GUM clinics and the havens so I did and nothing.

It's all my fault anyway so i suppose i cna't complain that its kgrjenkjfdvncxkj,mnkjmdf stupid.

The One Who · 03-05-2011, 06:25 PM

Jodie it's not your fault. Some places only open on certain days and can only do certain things. Have you looked online (NHS website?) for somewhere close to you? They usually have information.

x-love/hate/tragedy-x · 04-05-2011, 04:38 PM

It's not your fault that the Government has screwed up a lot of funding recently. Please just keep telling yourself that, you can do it hun. The only person to blame is him.
I love you lots, be strong :)
xxx

Cryptic. · 04-05-2011, 06:10 PM

It's not your fault.

I'm shitty with advice but I'm always here for you JodMum, always.
Please, take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

Love you <3
(Wifey does too & so do all these people & tons more elsewhere.)

Bellatrix · 05-05-2011, 02:48 PM

I went to my CMHT crisis meeting thing. It was okay and bad.

Okay was that she was nice enough. Had the info. Said the words.

Bad was that she triggered the fuck out of me. Asked about the AN and then was like 'you look okay' and 'you're in recovery' which just proves that I can't be a weight that is just below the anorexia category without looking healthy and normal (= fat for me). So I just flat out refuse to eat.

She said that were I a year younger (18 and under) I would be admitted. Don't really understand that but whatever.

I didn't tell her about the STI tests and my plan to die if they are positive. But I told my therapist and she said that she wanted to keep me safe and would tell the CMHT if I didn't.

Got to wait for the review now. Which goes to my therapist. I told them I would be able to keep safe for the next two days for sure.

What was hard was the lady kept complementing me and telling me I was a 'beautiful your girl' who 'was intelligent and capable'. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to be told when I'm in crisis that I'm pretty and can get through and do things. I just want to be and what would be most helpful is if she just listened. That's why I like my therapist. She just listens and occasionally tells me I'm important to her.

I don't know what I want them to do. I didn't want to see them in the first place but my therapist said I had to be referred. I don't want them to stop me killing myself because if and when I do it, it will have been well thought out and I will be sure its the right choice.

Meh. I'm hungry.

Fuckshsjsbujhbhjbghjhvftyhvftyhgty

Bellatrix · 05-05-2011, 02:49 PM

*double post*

Buttons. · 05-05-2011, 05:36 PM

What a stupid comment for her to have made about the anorexic recovery sweetheart *cuddles* but you know that all the important people realise how ill you are and please don't let this stop you from eating, hard as that is. Did you tell your therapist you found this unhelpful?

Bellatrix · 05-05-2011, 06:53 PM

And to make things worse I've just found out my friends can't cope with me being ill. They're not sure they want to live with me in June. I've done it. Just what I knew would happen. I've pushed them over the edge and I fucking ahte myself for it.
I've promised to talk to them if I"m struggling, but to keep all negative talk out of conversation. That's hard for me, as it's in my head all the time. I am actually a fucking stupid person aren't I? I can't believe I've done what I tried so hard to fight against. I can't believe I've done this. I'm so so sorry. I'd never hurt my friends and I have... Iv'e hurt them so much. They feel like they can't help me and they are giving more than they are capable and I know they are, and I never asked for it. This feels awful... so so much guilt.

x-love/hate/tragedy-x · 05-05-2011, 08:28 PM

I'm so sorry that she triggered you so badly :( at least she gave you the info that you needed.
You need to remember that they didn't weigh you - they don't know how much you actually weigh, they only know what they can see and you have a naturally slim frame, so even though, to your friends and people that see you regularly you look very under-weight people who don't know you may think that you are naturally very skinny. Please don't refuse to eat hun, you don't deserve that, and you will only make yourself worse :'(

Quote:

She said that were I a year younger (18 and under) I would be admitted. Don't really understand that but whatever.

That is flat out ridiculous, I don't understand it either; you should make further enquiries about admittance if you feel that you need it; ask your therapist, take her advice and ask her to speak to the CMHT.

Hopefully you'll get the review asap, glad you're staying safe for the next two days :) your therapist knows what she's doing, although I still want to persuade you that positive tests should not = death as even if the tests are positive it's not your fault & I know I can say this a million times and you still might not believe me but I'm still going to keep saying it :)

It will never be the right choice; remember you could only think of 50 reasons why you should die, your friends thought of a 100 why you should live :)

*hugs*, I'm so sorry they feel like that hun :( ; but remember it's not you that's pushed them, it's your illness and your circumstances. If worst comes to worst (which I'm sure it won't) you know you've definitely got me and Katy and possibly Beth in the NW :) (& you'd get to see Tiff, my cat & Polly) You aren't a stupid person at all, you're just having a really hard time atm and they don't like to see you like this because they want you to get better. You've not hurt your friends they just care about you and don't want to see you like this because you deserve better. Even though they feel as though they can't help I'm sure to some extent they are and you should let them know this.
Love you lots, Kitty.
xxx

Bellatrix · 09-05-2011, 03:58 PM

Thank you love. I appreciate your words, they mean a lot.

I'm finding it hard to sleep still. And the ED stuff is way out of control. But at the moment I'm most struggling with friends being hurt by me/homelessness stuff.

Meh. I just have no desire to try right now.

x-love/hate/tragedy-x · 09-05-2011, 04:34 PM

*lots and lots of safe warm cuddles*
Is there anything that helps you sleep? I often find listening to something can help (just downloaded the Harry Potter audio books for that purpose)
You have to remember they're only hurt because they care & they want to help you but they feel like they can't - maybe if you gave them the impression that they're helping you then they would feel more positive because they'd feel like they were making a difference?
I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, sorry :/
& You know that me & Katy won't let that happen to you :)
Is there any housing support you could get if you were living on your own or is that not an option.
xxx

Cryptic. · 15-05-2011, 12:52 PM

Hello everyone.

Just to let you know the lovely Jodie is in a psych ward at the moment. She overdosed last night, we talked on the phone, and I gave her a little push to go into the hospital she was near, then this morning she said she's at the psych ward and the nurse wants to admit her for a few days.

She was kicked out last night, so that just makes everything shitter for her. :l

I think she could use some support for when she comes back, and if anyone has her number, maybe some lovely messages would help her through this.

Thank you guys.

I love you JodMum. So proud of you for going last night, and cooperating with them. I'll keep BBMing you. Always here. You know that. I love you lots and lots and lots! xxxxxxxxx