I can't. I really can't. One, she doesn't really care about me.
Two, even if she did, I couldn't anyway. She would have to tell the head of child protection, who would report it to social services. I can't do that, I really can't. No one can know. Not ever. It's OK on here, no one knows me.
yeah, troubleshooter, it is hard to understand what I'm going through but I had talked with my mother at lunch time today and told her what my grandfather did to me a years ago and she told me that they are really weird and crazy grandparents, I agree with hers and her saying. No one knows what I'm doing right instead of wrong things to do but, some of them are not going to figure it out why I haven't been to my grandparent's house anymore and cause at their house, I was going to kill myself, very low point, unsafe and anger towards them because of my cousin..
All I know that it is not my fault so it's their fault but not mines..My grandmother keep saying a mean things to everyone expect me and she also thinks I'm wonderful and all that nice stuffs but really gets it to me was she keeps going on in the family without me there..I was afraid of them getting hurt by my grandmother so they got to deal with it and move on so that's a good starts (whew). I never loved them as much as I could do but I mean, I loves my two aunts, uncles & fews cousins (on my dad's side of the family)..They could do anything for me and support me all the way even they loves having me around them and it does makes me happy with them too. Mind you, I never cuts from them but I sometimes cuts from my grandparents and cousin too..It's makes me sick in my stomach and can't even stop thinking about it for a while since then..It is hard to deal with it on my own and stuffs to distracts me away from them..I can't even open it up to my two aunts & few cousin cause I don't wants them to know what's going on with me because I can't go to their houses so they might be not finding out (thank god I hope)..I usually keep it for a secret and so is my mom too..She keeps her own words and she always making exuses that I'm not going to their houses anymore. I finds it really hard to deal with it but I almost ended up cutting but suddenly, I have to think of my two aunts and few cousin who needs me more than me but I mostly need them sometimes whatever bothers me the most..
That the story that I'm telling about it..It's felt good to post on here:)..
Hugs to you all who have a diffcult times like this.
I was emotional and in some cases physically abused by a group of girls all through Jr. High and High School. These girls were considered friendly, popular( one was even voted most friendly in the year book), I could not and still can't understand why nobody else saw their meaness and cruelty.
People see what they want to see and they don't like to openly think that the pretty, popular types aren't worthy of their popularity.
I was bullied by people who were supposed to be my friends, I mentioned being bullied to one of them a year or so later and she said that it wasn't bullying. Like being verbally abused and/or threatend every day for months isn't bullying. Being ostracised isn't bullying. Being physically attacked isn't bullying. I should have asked what her definition of bullying was if it didn't include any of these things, how far would it have to go before she'd admit it? broken limbs maybe?
for delicate were the moths and badly wanted
here in a world by mammoth figures haunted!
I know it's a bit late but I was reading over the posts about mother's day and it kinda hit me a bit. I hate mother's day, I hate my mother's birthday. My dad bought the gift for me to give to her, as he does. And that was fine, but writing the card is always hardest for me. Writing 'mum' instead of mother. Writing 'love from'. It was so stupidly hard. I only do it for my dad's sake...
From what I've read, you guys still love your mum, don't hate her. I'm sure I've not experienced anything near as bad as you but I hate my mother. I hate her with a passion. And I hate myself for it. I dispise myself for loathing her, for thinkg the things that I do. I don't do it on purpose, like I think my dad thinks I do. I can't control the way I feel about her and it just makes me loathe myself even more for being such a heartless cow. Nobody understands how I feel about her. And nobody understand why. I don't understand why either, but I know it's wrong. I'm supposed to love her and respect her and whatever but I look at her and feel hatred, repulsion, disgust. And then I'm back to hating myself just as much.
Sorry for rambling on *curls up*
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
It's very possible to be abused by your sister Emily, do you want to share anymore?
*hugs zed gently* Sweetheart, you're not doing anything wrong by hating your mom. It sounds like she hurt you badly, whether it was hitting, verbal abuse or anything else, it's hurt you a lot. It's ok to feel how you feel. You don't have to love or respect her if she did bad things to you. It's not wrong. Why don't you try and explain why you feel that way towards her? Maybe we'll understand a bit and help you understand as well.
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
when i was about 8 years old my sister use to touch me and make me do things i did want to, i have never spoken about it before i throught that it was normal and i feel ashamed about it!
I just needed to know whether it was normal or not and needed to share it with someone as i have never told anyone because might think im stupid and disgusting!!!
It's not normal for an 18 year old girl to touch her little sister's private parts or make her do adult things. You can share some of the things she made you do in a PM if you're still confused and don't want to share it all. You're not stupid, and while it may feel disgusting that doesn't mean you are sweetheart. *hug*
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
Hah, it's ok. Click on my name (the name, not picture). Click on "send a private message to..." Then another screen will pop up, and you can send a private message to me that only I can see. I'll send one back that only you can see. Trust me, you'll get it.
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
It's very possible to be abused by your sister Emily, do you want to share anymore?
*hugs zed gently* Sweetheart, you're not doing anything wrong by hating your mom. It sounds like she hurt you badly, whether it was hitting, verbal abuse or anything else, it's hurt you a lot. It's ok to feel how you feel. You don't have to love or respect her if she did bad things to you. It's not wrong. Why don't you try and explain why you feel that way towards her? Maybe we'll understand a bit and help you understand as well.
She didn't do anything bad though, not really. As far as I can remember she never hit me I don't think. She had to sit on me and force feed me 'cause I was awkward so that was my fault. I feel no connection 'cause she just wasn't there when I needed her, but that wasn't her fault either, it was mine, I almost killed her and she's been paying for it ever since. *shrug* I don't want to hate her, just myself.
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
Zed as previously said emotional absence can really ****ing hurt, and also with the force feeding imagine you as a small child, to you she was forcing her will on you, hurting you and you didn't properly understand why, to you at the time it would probably have seemed like abuse, so you have probably internalised those feelings of anger, fear and confusion etc and they just haven't left since those early days.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
*shrugs* The force feeding isn't really a major part of it 'cause it wasn't just her that did it. If I have to think about it I'd say maybe I'm angry 'cause when I needed her she wasn't there, she didn't care, and now it's too late, now she's feeling guilty, but now I just don't want to know her. I see mums with their daughters/children everywhere, in real life, on TV, in films, and it hurts, it really hurts that I never had that and probably never will, I want that kind of relationship, but not with her, not any more.
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
