It's icky weather here. Icy and rainy and blech. Just had a shithole of a session with my therapist, it lasted less than half the time it was supposed to - now I remember why I don't do phone sessions!! but I didn't want to "brave" the roads at 8:30am before the sun had a chance to melt the ice, etc.
I want to b/p and nothing's stopping me except myself... I want to give up but I can't: here is what one friend told me last night:
Life doesn't work the way we want it to and giving up isn't an option. I don't like to think or seem like I've had a bad hand or anything but I grew up largely without my parents, I was abused when I was small, and raped when I was 18. I've wanted to give up countless times but it doesn't work that way. You have to believe that things will not always be this way. Lots of people get depressed and have psych issues and many of them make it everyday with problems just like yours, the difference between them and you is that they have realized that they are responsible for themselves and their own happiness and don't believe in just letting things happen to them or giving in to things that are not healthy for them. You need to step up and show Jarrod he's not going to be in a life with someone who doesn't want to be in it. It sounds like a med tweak may be in order as well. I care about you a lot and this probably sounds harsh but I've never believed in sugar coating things.
So yeah. What do you all think of that? (Jarrod's my husband) It ****ing hurt, that's what I thought... especially as this is coming from someone who is not actively fighting her ED (or so it sounds from her journal entries).
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*hugs april* do you think there's any truth in that? maybe your friend needs to take her own advice, but if you think she's right at all, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take it on board.
I do think that there is truth in it... it's just frustrating hearing that from someone that is struggling with her own stuff & is elated hearing people getting concerned about how much weight she is losing, etc.
The truth I think in it is:
- You have to believe that things will not always be this way.
I do believe that I will always be this way... so I need to work on this. I mean, I don't see my personality changing and a prof last term told me to think of the depression/anxiety as part of my personality rather than a disorder... so what am I supposed to do? who am I supposed to believe?
Another truthful bit that hit really close to home:
- You need to step up and show Jarrod he's not going to be in a life with someone who doesn't want to be in it.
I don't want to be in this life. I hate it. Take a look at my venting spot and you'll see that pretty quickly. I'd like to like it... I just don't know how. I know that outwardly I am blessed with a wonderful husband, a mostly wonderful family (they can be bullshit at times but who isn't, I suppose), enough money to live on comfortably, a nearly completed college education & hope for a job after I graduate, etc., etc... but inwardly, life is ****. I am not a happy person... and I am too scared to move and become a happy person.
*sigh*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*hugs Naty* What happened, love? I'm sorry that that happened... but you're not worthless, not at all. *fixes some tea for both of us*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Basically i did no uni work over christmas because I decided i didnt want to come back and needed time out to sort myself out (complete and utter shed head at the moment) and my parents told me i had to come back to uni or get out of their house and it has taken until saturday for me to want to be back, I have extensions on my 4 essays until this coming friday but because I haven't really been working till the last couple of days I am not going to be able to complete all four essays (i'm also revising for an exam) so have set up a meeting with my year tutor to ask for more extensions and explain what has been going on.
I decided that I should tell my best friend this because, you know, shes my best friend, you would expect her to be the one person who would sympathise with you. but oh no, this is what she said to me.
'you don't deserve ANOTHER extension, so if you manage to get one, consider yourself really ****ing lucky and make sure you get the essays done! stop moping and making excuses cause your tutors will just tell you to stop taking the piss if you keep this up'
Aw love... *gentle hugs* I'm sorry to hear that... your friend definitely wasn't very sympathetic... maybe she's dealing with stuff in her own life that's problematic? and maybe it's a little frustrating to her that you keep getting extensions and she can't? I don't know, sorry if I'm not making any sense or am offending, I don't really know UK uni systems very well. But I do understand why you feel the way that you do... you deserved a better response, because it is difficult to make up your mind if you want to be in uni or not, especially if you're struggling. *holds you softly*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Yeah this friend doesn't go to uni, and she used to be very sympathetic to this sort of thing, but since in the past few months (after she was diagnosed with MS... i wonder if that has something to do with it), she just always has a go at me about stuff, she even has implied i am making everything up, i'm starting to get to the point with her that I can't deal with her
Hmmm. Probably the MS has summat to do with it - doesn't MS cause a lot of pain? at least in time? - lots of stress on her part, perhaps. I don't know, just speculation on my part. I'm sorry that she wasn't sympathetic this time... are there other friends IRL that you can talk with about this?
*hugs*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
