:( I need to study and I don't want to.
I'm sooooo distracted :(
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
:( I need to study and I don't want to.
I'm sooooo distracted :(
I hear you...I have no idea but it has excelled for me this year...i cant focus on any of my work and am going to fail because of it. I think the dark part of me has planned this out so I can get it all over with.
I am rather confused as to weather i want to or not. I so hope that i will get hit by a bus or something out of my control will end it just so its less impacting on people.
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Memento Mori
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Live your dream? Or Dream your life?
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I can't hug people in real life and online it makes me feel like a lier.
Today should have been my Grandpa's birthday but he passed away nearly 6 months ago. On 5th November it will be six months. He was the one person, along with my Grandma I really trust, who helped me no matter what I needed and understood. He knew when I needed a hug and when I needed to be left alone. I didn't visit the weekend before he died and now I'm never going to see him again. I'm struggling today
And to top it off today is also 6 months since my exboyfriend cheated on me with my friend and for some reason this has been really bothering me for the last few weeks and all I have heard today is about their anniversary celebrations via facebook and mutual friends. I just don't need it.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
He didn't call back.
I told everyone he wouldn't.
Everyone told me he would, that he wants to help me.
Lies, all lies.
Another desperate night ahead.
That's the last time i ask for help.
Yes, my GP.
My "wonderful" GP who heard me this morning in a good amount of distress, begging for help.
My lovely GP who said he'd phone the on call psychiatrist to see what he's to do,
and never got back to me.
Maybe he couldn't get hold of the on call psych? He still should have called you back but maybe he wanted to see if he could sort something out rather than call with no news? I don't know. He was still wrong not to call even if he didn't have anything helpful, I was just trying to look at it from his view maybe?
GGGRRRRRR!!!! sorry, had to scream for a minute. is there a padded room anywhere in here? i think it would be a safer place for me than where i am right now....
sorry for that outburst y'all, just really pissed right now
*returns to corner, to try to stay safe*
MY RYL FAMILY: Blondiebear is my sister; nuttergirl is my little sister; makeachoice is my niece; prs100 is my niece; rachel487 is my sister;emovampryss is my wiccan sister; phroggie is my wiccan sister;crazychaoticmess and salutaredelamare are my angels. they always help to save me from myself.
argh. sorry, guys. seems like I never support or anything while I'm here, and I really will rectify that... when I can...
First time in a long, long time, that I've actually had suicidal thoughts, but they're all there, back with a vengeance tonight. I'm absolutely desperate to cut, but... I really don't want to the night before a mate's party... two days before I go to help my nan move house.... it seems so pointless, but so does the rest of life at the moment, so... anyone give me hugs or something to make something seem worth it?
~Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~
GGGRRRRRR!!!! sorry, had to scream for a minute. is there a padded room anywhere in here? i think it would be a safer place for me than where i am right now....
sorry for that outburst y'all, just really pissed right now
*returns to corner, to try to stay safe*
The padded room has been vacated and cleared all ready for you. *hugs you if you can accept them*
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auburn Shadow
First time in a long, long time, that I've actually had suicidal thoughts, but they're all there, back with a vengeance tonight. I'm absolutely desperate to cut, but... I really don't want to the night before a mate's party... two days before I go to help my nan move house.... it seems so pointless, but so does the rest of life at the moment, so... anyone give me hugs or something to make something seem worth it?
*cuddles you* I'm afraid I'm not good with words at the moment. Just don't stress about not always being able to support. We all go through bad times when all we want to do is "shout and scream and smash our dreams". I'm sending you fairy wishes that you'll make it through.
*hugs everyone else then crawls under a bed and cries*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Extreme language & possibly triggering
I'm so ****ing fed up with the public hospital here. They still haven't found a bed for me. My friend is cracking the shits with it. He thinks that they aren't going to admit me at all but just let me sit here and suffer until the cows come home or until I die .... whichever the **** comes first. He is getting to the point where he is going to ring the head doctor (who he calls Hotel Allen - then at least the medical negligence could be excused as alcohol induced) and give him the ultimatum to find me a bed in three hours or he'll ****ing have me committed. He also wants to go down to the hospital with a samurai (sp?) sword or some bullets and kill the hotel. That ****ing pathetic excuse for a doctor doesn't even want to talk to my pdoc. My friend is so close to telling the hospital that all the aboriginals and drug addicts need to find new homes instead of living in the psych ward. If you can't tell ... he is absolutely ****ing livid.
I have a little more energy today, which is both good and bad. On the good side I can do things but on the bad side I'm getting closer to putting my suicide plan into action. I know what I want to do .... or if I want to be 100% honest about it, what the voices want me to do ... and I know that it will work. I also feel like I have to cut because that's the only way to stop myself from doing what the voices want me to do ... but the voices want me to do that as well. AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH.
I had an argument with the strongest of my voices before. I lost. It actually got violent. I tried to stab her with a stanley knife and she whacked my hand into a wall and pushed it behind my back. I guess that's the thing when the voices you hear can actually take control of your body. Meh.
G.D. Life sucks.
*hugs everyone*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
It's 3am here, and I'm not tired. All I can think about is cutting or overdosing. I just want everything to stop happening. Things that happened 5 years ago are coming back to bite me on the bum. The people that have told me to phone them whenever I need, well, they'll be well and truly asleep by now, and I don't want to disturb them, they've got their own lives too, they can't be there whenever I can't sleep. It's all just a stupid mess of me not doing what I should have a long time ago.
~Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~
I don't know if anyone else will find this amusing ... but I thought it might bring a smile to someone's face ... and if it does that and helps anyone at all then ...
"But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown." Carl Sagan
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
sigh
