My friend likes playing the moist game whilst drunk - shout moist and every person has to get louder and louder, til it mutates into various other words...
Ah how mature lol
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
I've hardly done anything alday but then it is my only day off.
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
right, ive just text my therapist and told her that because of expenses that weve got coming up i can nolonger make the weekly sessions and that i would like them to be fortnightly for the forseeable future.
Im not sure what the truth is, whether it is that or whether it triggers me to go to therapy or whether i just want to avoid the sessions and admitting to things or whether its because i just dont want the homeowrk...which i still havent started
Im now questioning what I want...if therapy is working and if it is working is that what i want. Do i really want to get better or am i fighting shy of it? Do I enjoy the attention that i get from being ill...is it the attention that I craved as a child and never got? Gosh... hark whos being an honest little monkey....all honesty aside...i really dont know
But, whatever the reason its too late now because the text has been sent and no matter what the reason is, it saves 160miles of travelling a month and £160....that has to be worth it
Health should come first, but in my case i dont give two hoots about myself...i really dont....
Yeah but holly just because someone says "go kill yourself" doesnt mean you should say yeah ok im going to go do it. I dont want to know anymore, and yeah i shouldnt drag this onto the boards but i dont know how else you are going to listen when i say i cant take it anymore, it wasnt fair of you to txt me saying you where tempted to go kill yourself and was drinking in the town center, then tell me your with someone and wasnt on your own. I dont know what you want me to do anymore, i dont know if you want someone to talk to, or if you want medical help, i dont know, but i cant cope with it anymore, i cant and i cant have the responsibility of someone else life hanging over me, its not fair anymore.
You shouldnt let other people dicate your life and what you do, people always come and go in life and thats how it is, and people will always be out of order, rude and hurt you, but you have to learn you cant live for anyone else, it doesnt work like that, but unless you learn to live for yourself then there isnt a point.
But i dont think any of us really understand and realise what we do to other people, sometimes all we focus on is our pain and even though we all know we hurt other people, our pain is too great that we dont think about it or block it. Its not nice to watch anyone you care about try to kill themselfs, to want to die, you think no one cares and your they are better off without you, and that you are so worthless and dissapointing. But thats not true, it never is, we never ever say what we really mean to people and what people mean to us, we all argue and fight and say stuff we regret but we never say the most important things until its too late or until we dont have a chance to ever say it.
So is dying ever worth it, no one ever wants to die, just escape but dying doesnt do it, all it does is spread your pain around everyone else, making them always wonder why or if they ever could have done anything. Its not going to make you happy, or free, if there is something out there after we die then it means your going to be full of regret forever and you cant change that, once your dead you cant go back.
Maybe thats why we all have to learn to live for ourselfs, to be happy to smile to enjoy life. Mental illness doesnt have to last your whole life and it doesnt have to define you as a person, its not who any of us are, but most of the time we lie down and let it consume us, we dont fight because its better that way. things can change, life can change in so many ways you dont know how and all the things you can go on to achive and all the lifes you touch and change. Even think about it, how so many things and life would be differnt if you wenrt there, so many possibilites.
We only ever have one life, and sometimes we dont know how beautiful life can be.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
But i dont think any of us really understand and realise what we do to other people, sometimes all we focus on is our pain and even though we all know we hurt other people, our pain is too great that we dont think about it or block it. Its not nice to watch anyone you care about try to kill themselfs, to want to die, you think no one cares and your they are better off without you, and that you are so worthless and dissapointing. But thats not true, it never is, we never ever say what we really mean to people and what people mean to us, we all argue and fight and say stuff we regret but we never say the most important things until its too late or until we dont have a chance to ever say it.
...
Maybe thats why we all have to learn to live for ourselfs, to be happy to smile to enjoy life. Mental illness doesnt have to last your whole life and it doesnt have to define you as a person, its not who any of us are, but most of the time we lie down and let it consume us, we dont fight because its better that way. things can change, life can change in so many ways you dont know how and all the things you can go on to achive and all the lifes you touch and change. Even think about it, how so many things and life would be differnt if you wenrt there, so many possibilites.
We only ever have one life, and sometimes we dont know how beautiful life can be.
no one ever wants to die, just escape but dying doesnt do it, all it does is spread your pain around everyone else, making them always wonder why or if they ever could have done anything. Its not going to make you happy, or free, if there is something out there after we die then it means your going to be full of regret forever and you cant change that, once your dead you cant go back.
Maybe thats why we all have to learn to live for ourselfs, to be happy to smile to enjoy life. Mental illness doesnt have to last your whole life and it doesnt have to define you as a person, its not who any of us are, but most of the time we lie down and let it consume us, we dont fight because its better that way. things can change, life can change in so many ways you dont know how and all the things you can go on to achive and all the lifes you touch and change. Even think about it, how so many things and life would be differnt if you wenrt there, so many possibilites.
We only ever have one life, and sometimes we dont know how beautiful life can be.
Wow. Wise words mari.
Hollz and Mari I'm sorry neither of you are too happy at the moment. I really hope you can both sort these issues out *hugs* to both of you
x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
Yeah but holly just because someone says "go kill yourself" doesnt mean you should say yeah ok im going to go do it. I dont want to know anymore, and yeah i shouldnt drag this onto the boards but i dont know how else you are going to listen when i say i cant take it anymore, it wasnt fair of you to txt me saying you where tempted to go kill yourself and was drinking in the town center, then tell me your with someone and wasnt on your own. I dont know what you want me to do anymore, i dont know if you want someone to talk to, or if you want medical help, i dont know, but i cant cope with it anymore, i cant and i cant have the responsibility of someone else life hanging over me, its not fair anymore.
im sorry Hollz, but this isnt fair on mari or anyone else that you may text..i know ive been involved once bgefore and it is so hard to be on the receiving end......if you need help then you need to take resposibility for yourself and call the necessary people like a and e. or ambulance services, and not put it on one person like mari or myself because there is very little either of us can do and i would really hate for anything to happen to you hun. Please trust me when i say you are better than this and that you are worth so much more
I dont want to cause an argument or anything, im so tired i just cant. I think im just trying to make people see they they have to be responsible for themselfs and take and get the help they need at the time they need it, of couse we will always be here, but sometimes no of us can help no matter what, its why i say people need to learn to live for themselfs because we cant ever rely on anyone except ourselfs.
Like i said i dont want to cause an argument, but im so tired it was all going to come out at some point.
Ellie i dont think its bad, but you need to take breaks and concentrate on getting the revision you need done and make sure you get planey or rest and eat in the moring, and to not overdo it tonight.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Ellie i dont think its bad, but you need to take breaks and concentrate on getting the revision you need done and make sure you get planey or rest and eat in the moring, and to not overdo it tonight.
Mari look, I am sorry you have been dragged into my thoughts and have had to action on my behalf, and I suppose I found it easier to talk to you about how I am really feeling, as you are more likely to understand than someone else would be, but I know you are right, I have put you in a few awkward situations and I know it isn't fair, and I am sorry. I want us to be friends but I don't want you to be under pressure or worrying about me, so don't worry about me okay and I am sorry I have put you in that position before.
Rowie, I am sorry that you had to become involved the other week as well. Again, I didn't intend to put presure on you or cause you to worry about me.
I don't know what I need or want. I have regular contact with my cpn and sw at the moment, on the basis I be good, and I really I am trying you know. I am trying and doing my best, but I know there is a way too go and atm I am having a lot suicidal thoughts at the moment, I just need to try and live with them and not give in to them.
All weekend my head has been mush with what happened on Friday night and with everything Carri had said and stuff, I just don't know what she wants from me you know, but her bf is not getting away with it, and if she chooses to be with them and he chooses to hurt her, well at least I will know I didn't stand back and let it happen.
Anyway, I hope you both can accept my apology, I am sorry, I don't mean to draw other people into my manic thoughts, so I am sorry I have.
Love all you guys xxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Huge huge hugs Hollz.
I think you just need to know when to call for an ambulance or to seek help from the professionals when things become hard. We'd hate for anything bad to happen to you.
I think right now you are in a very difficult position. But if im honest I too would be doing what youre doing right now in pressing charges. If it ends up with you losing Carri then i know it will be hard, but so be it. I think you have to stand your ground in a situation like this...and in the end i think Carri will be grateful.....
Its fine, nothings changed, but i guess i was just trying to make you see well, kinda everything else i wrote lol. you have to figure out for yourself what you need, i think you also need to talk to your cpn and tell her and ask what else they can do to help, wether it be medication or CBT. But all of us at somepoint have to look at our lifes and see whats worth living for rather than whats not, and i think lately you have focused on the latter of the two.
As for carri, of course she would want you to drop the charges, but that would be the worst thing for her, pressing charges is the only way you can protect her, she has to make her own mistakes and her own choices, but for you it might be helpful to call one of the domestic abuse helplines and get some advice on what you can do to help her.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I know thanks Rowie, well she hasn't even tried to phone me, I know she lost he rmobile on Friday night before all the kicked off, but I wrote down my house and mobile number for her, but anyway what has happened there has happened, so not much I can do about it now but go forth with it all...
I don't think I could or would phone myself an ambulance, but I do have crisis numbers and I do use them, my cpn be up tomoz morning and I will speak to her.
What you up to tonight?
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I have been referred for pyscotherapy by my pysch but my cpn thinks i do need it but is holding back atm, as she thinks i am too vulnerable atm and doesn't know if at the moment, it would do more harm than it would good.
She is gonnae be up here at 10.30 tomoz morning anyway, will talk to her then.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
yeah I know, problem is thats its my pysch who is in charge of my meds and i dont see him for about another 10 weeks
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
