Life, please... no more

[Eir]

*hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Annie: Thanks for the hugs, I really need them right now.

My step-daughter decided to read the text messages between me and my husband over his shoulder and without permission. These included me having suicidal thoughts and switching to Brianna so that I would remain safe. Leaving aside that she is only 11 so cannot yet get/understand DID she thinks that Brianna is a full human being, but I digress. She then rang her mother and apparently told her that I had attempted suicide earlier on in the day and that her dad and her were staying on Magnetic Island so that her holiday wouldn't be ruined. Her mother then rang my mother-in-law with the story above and my mother-in-law said straight out that there was no way that my husband and step-daughter would still be on the island if I had attempted suicide. Her mother was intending to book a flight home for my step-daughter with her grandparents (with whom she is spending tonight) to put her on the plane - without her father's knowledge. My mother-in-law then rang my husband, told him everything she had been told and said in return and told him my step-daughter needed to ring her mother and sort it out. So my husband confronted his daughter who had been in the room when my husband was talking to his mother so already had some idea of what was going down. He attempted to ring her mother several times on all of her phones but couldn't get through. He also told his daughter what her mother had planned, i.e. cutting her holiday short by being put on the plane by her grandparents, and she really didn't want that to happen. Basically the second she rang her mother the phone was answered but I don't know what was said.

The messages my step-daughter was reading, without permission, gave no indication of a suicide attempt at all but this isn't the first time she has exaggerated something. Her father tried to explain that she should respect other people's privacy but we aren't sure that the lesson will stick. My husband actually put a lock on his phone immediately after his mother rang him but she has picked up his phone when the message tone went off and would have read it if she had been able to get in to it.

Considering her complete lack of basic life skills not respecting other people's privacy doesn't come as a shock. When she arrived here she basically expected everyone to be her slave. When she finished a meal she just left everything where it was and went off to do other things. Dirty cups were just left wherever, I think you get the idea. Every life skill we have attempted to teach her has come with an explanation. For example, when we asked her to throw leftovers into the bin (or into a container) and rinse the plate/bowl/cup and place it on the side of the sink so that all the dirty dishes are together and easy to find for washing the dishes. Not leaving the area where you have been sitting, putting water bottles back into the fridge instead of leaving them sitting on a table, not eating ice cream from the container, well ... we are still working on those - and a hundred or so other.

More concerning is that at 11 years of age we can already see that she has depression - some of which is environmental - and now know that she has had suicidal thoughts. Her mother is simply not equipped to deal with her going through this and, given her lack of basic life skills, frankly is useless as a parent. I know that there is always likely to be someone who will say that statement is wrong for a hundred and one reasons, but it is what I see. She binge eats for comfort due to everything going on, she exaggerates a large number of things. We think that she basically uses the exaggeration to become a potential center of attention, for example if she makes the situation out to be as bad as it can possibly be then people will be interested in the situation and maybe even be interested in her.

I have no idea what to do and with my head playing real life silly buggers I'm leaving to go inside for a while since my husband will be home shortly from dropping his daughter off with his grandparents. Provided I don't have another fall...

[Kahlia1981]

So, with two people agreeing with me on this one I have created a thread where everyone can post positives that they have managed to find in their lives, reminding us that even when our world is full of darkness and that is all we can see there is a little bit of light somewhere that we can recognise and nurture. I called it the positive post thread as I wanted it to be clear for everyone. Please feel free to read and contribute as you may be surprised by how many positives you can find or by how much you can relate to other people's positive's.

The Positive Post Thread

[Kahlia1981]

Yesterday I had a pretty bad day. It actually started out really good but dropped. I woke up, of my own free will, at 06:30 and felt wide awake for a change. After a couple of cups of coffee I managed to get myself through the shower, got dressed and even removed the shower chair so that my husband could take a shower without having to remove the shower chair. During the coffees I sent a text to my husband to see if he was awake, was pleasantly surprised to find he was though still very tired, and sent him another text around an hour later because they had to refuel the topless car they had rented and return it before they headed back, via bus, to the ferry terminal. As it turned out they arrived back on the mainland much earlier than they thought they would so the plan to stop by the pharmacy to pick up something for her sunburn and then deliver her to her grandparents place had to be altered. They still got the sunburn cream but dropped by a supermarket to pick up some drinks then came back here until my husband was able to drop her off.

As they were leaving I nearly fell, saved only by the handle on my wheelie walker. Let me just say that aside from ouch a few choice words came streaming from my mouth, surprisingly with very few swear words. My husband came back in to check I was okay as it happened right when he was locking the patio door/gate. He helped me onto a chair but then had to leave. One thing I really learned in that moment was that the handle of a wheelie walker is really painful when it and your ribs meet at high velocity.

While he was away, I had basically the exact same almost fall and that was/is extremely scary. My husband rang me from the pharmacy and, during our talk, the second near fall came up. He asked me to stay seated as much as possible and keep movement to a minimum.

Everything was going okay for quite a long time after that but then I had a fall that landed me on the ground. After he got me up he basically stood behind me to help me move and got me to a chair. Next I took myself to the bathroom and, as I was opening the door to leave, my legs became extremely unstable and I fell sideways, thankfully falling into the wall knocking the walker into the door. My husband wanted to put me into the wheelchair but I would be stuck inside or outside due to the bump caused by the door rails for which we need a ramp, which we can't afford to spend money on. And I had another fall after attempting to get up, use the wheelie walker to get to the door and let one of the dogs out. In truth it was the trip back that landed me on the floor.

Considering we don't get our pension payment until very late Monday night and we have less than $30 to our name and my step-daughter is supposed to be coming back here today we are really going to struggle to get through. If it was just me and my husband we would make it but my step-daughter has absolutely zero idea of money, she expects it to refill itself I think like you can recharge your phone so why don't you just plug in your bankcard to refill it? She gets that from her mother who buys her anything she wants. She also gets some of her eating habits from her mother because all their house is full of convenience foods, two-minute noodles, muesli bars, shapes (savoury biscuits in different flavours), soft drink... She does eat some fruit - here that's been when we had nothing else - but she doesn't know that an apple is a piece of fruit which I find scary. I really just hope we can get through this.

[Kahlia1981]

Really not doing so well right now..... My step-daughter mentioned a television show where one of the characters topped themselves and that there were a lot of people who basically ignored the death. I told her about Jem and that it is fairly normal for people to treat that kind of death like crap and prefer to ignore it than deal with the fact that the person had a psychological or psychiatric illness and couldn't cope any longer. Before anyone says anything I didn't give her any of the details, just said he died of suicide, nothing more. She said, straight out, that she thought that sort of thing only happened on television or in fairy-tales.....

Now my head is just going nuts. I have to be up early and it's already 01:00. I took some diazepam to try and help me calm down enough to go to sleep and, whilst it has brought me down a bit, there's no chance of me going to sleep whilst this is playing itself out. To some degree that whole day is playing itself over and over in my head just like it's happening again. While the diazepam has stopped me from bursting into tears it hasn't really helped much more than that.

My step-daughter and I were trying to sleep in the bedroom, with my husband deciding to sleep on the couch in order to make sure that he gets up in time, but she was playing around on a couple of applications on her iPod and just kept talking which made sleeping more difficult than it needed to be anyway - and please don't think that I am blaming her, I know she was finding it difficult to sleep herself - but it all just kept running around my head. Attempting to fall asleep I tried changing position several times and even got up and grabbed Bear. Whilst he did help I really needed to feel a human's touch. So I got up and came out - letting one of our dogs out at the same time - and had a cigarette with my husband, using that time to talk with him about the difficulties that I was having both with sleeping and with my head. Thankfully he was able to give me a hug when we both came inside and can understand where I am coming from.

Considering that today - well, yesterday now - started off really well.... Sunday night I decided that I would go with my parents to Choralaires - a singing group where I am the youngest member by about twenty years - and I asked my step-daughter if she would like to come along, admittedly expecting to hear no. She said yes so I made sure that it would be okay with my parents, even though I knew that it would be because they had asked me to invite her. Choralaires was great and I didn't get bombarded with questions about why I was in a wheelchair and pretty much everyone was very helpful. Then, on the way home, we stopped off at the post office in the city and then headed to a shopping centre. Before we went in we worked out where we would meet my parents since they had to go all over the place so my step-daughter and I took a look at a few shops on the way but still got to where we were supposed to be. My dad found us inside a shop and walked with us one way around to the left which leads to where a large amount of disabled parking is - I have a temporary (6 month) disability permit because of me not being able to walk far, and now needing it more due to the wheelchair - and all met up at the bottom of the lift.

From there the day and my mood went downhill fast, but I guess that I should be happy that I made it this far. *sigh*

[Kahlia1981]

I woke up early this morning and managed to get quite a bit done before my step-daughter woke up. She actually volunteered to wash the dishes this morning after I said that I would have to do them. Also I played a bit more Avatar on the PS3 before anyone else woke up and again after my step-daughter got up. We even temporarily woke my husband up to give him morning medications and let him fall back to sleep. One of the cacti my nanna left with me somehow got knocked over either yesterday or early this morning meaning that my husband had to re-pot it.

Because we had an emergency visit to the GP that he requested we tried to find someone to look after my step-daughter if she didn't want to come, for which I couldn't blame her, so I checked with my sister who was happy to take her. Eventually the decision was made (by her) that she would come with us and did actually have an okay time. When the doctor called us in she came with us. Everything in that session was supposed to be based on the surgery referral but heaps of jokes and other talk was going on. He's even changed one of my pain meds to see if that would help. I was crying like nothing on earth because of the pain which is why, after my husband explained how often that happened, he chose to trial me on something stronger. Now we have to wait and see but it must be given at exactly the same time every day.

After the doctor we went to a shopping center and I coped okay but most of that had to do with most stores either being shut or in the process of closing and therefore there not being too many people). We managed to find my step-daughter a nice pair of boots and a really cheap skirt for me that a) fits and b) isn't covered in massive holes. Pretty much everything in my wardrobe is too big and/or has heaps of holes all over them. Since we can't afford to replace them and if I throw them all out I definitely would only have like, a small number, of clothes left that I could wear.

Dinner was great and was cooked by my husband and I did the dishes afterwards to help out. Thankfully my husband didn't see the number of times where I nearly fell but was caught by the sink. Regardless all of that is done which leaves us free to do whatever. He had set everything up for me so that it was much easier, basically just moving things as close to the sink as possible, which really did help. I was standing but using the bench to keep me up and holding on for dear life when my legs became weak and made me fall backwards into my wheelchair which I placed very carefully behind me in case of falls.

My mood was low and dropped since then due to factors beyond my control and will probably never rise again. Apart from my husband and a very small number of people on here every single person absolutely hates me. Why? Because I tell the truth and tell it like it is even when that's not what they want to hear. It's amazing how many people just cannot handle it when someone tells it like it is. Considering that I can't have my ECT treatment until I have had my spinal surgery and gone far enough through the rehabilitation that the neurologist and orthopedic surgeons think it's safe. Also we have to keep a metaphorical eye on my shoulders so that I don't dislocate or sublux either of them while self-propelling my wheelchair. Not something most people have to consider.

[Kahlia1981]

No matter what positives today might have had it really has been a crappy day. My mood just keeps dropping and my pain increasing. I realise that the pain, the whole emotional reaction to being 34 and indefinitely in a wheelchair, the after effects of multiple people deliberately hurting me to make themselves feel better and/or more important, those who are just trying to gain power over me and my inability to keep my DID under control, are definitely not helping my mood. Neither is the fact that, no matter what I do, people will assume/believe that everything is my fault, ranging from the childhood SA I "survived", the deaths of those close to me both from my early teenage years to today. But then again, what does it matter anyway. I have always been nothing, I will always be nothing and that's never going to change.

[Doikers]

Kahlia , you are not 'Nothing' Not to your Husband , your Friends and Family Off and Online , Me included , I've known you quite a while and you are loved 8Glomps*

[Eir]

You mean a lot to me too.
*hugs*
Sorry I'm not in the right frame to say more. But you still give me hope.

[Kahlia1981]

Thank you Mark and Annie.

I feel completely lost and depressed today. I rang the number on the referral my GP wrote and got faxed through and learned that, although he has a clinic at that hospital, all referrals must go to his private practice. So I had to phone his private practice and we have to fax the paperwork down because the one that got faxed yesterday won't (or can't) be redirected. The girl I spoke to was really good and booked me for an appointment on the 15th at 10:30. Because of the time we may need to fly down the night before but there's going to be huge taxi fares as my husband says that I can't travel by train because it might cause me more pain. We may have to change the appointment yet because we may not be able to get the flights, let alone be able to pay for everything.

The whole thing is just adding to my mental and mood decline and I am really struggling to keep my DID under control. My alters keep trying to get out and be in full control of my body and I'm not even sure that allowing them to rule would be all that bad right now. At least they may be feeling great and happy instead of like their entire world is falling apart and everyone hates and wants to destroy them.

[Kahlia1981]

We said farewell to my step-daughter today with no idea when we will get to see her again. I really would have loved to have been at the airport but I was given one of my nieces and she arrived too late for us to bring her along. There's a lot of mixed feelings about my step-daughter leaving for both my husband and I. On one hand we were glad to see her go because of her volume level, the way she treated our dogs like teddy bears, and her complete lack of simple life skills - I mean you really should be able to rinse your dishes at 11 but, I mean, I'll settle for just taking dirty dishes into the kitchen rather than leaving them wherever they happened to be. But we will miss her and it really doesn't help that we haveto no idea when we will next be allowed to see her except that it won't be this year. Naturally there is some anger towards her birth mother for her wanting to keep full control of my step-daughter. From our short time with her we believe that she has the start of what could be a lifetime mental health issue and her mother isn't equipped to deal with that, unlike the two nutcases up here. I hope to any and every god that she doesn't have to go through that.

[Kahlia1981]

My GP referred me to a spinal surgeon in Brisbane to see what he thought could be done so we had a very long and expensive trip to see him. Initially we began to drive down but the weather made it unsafe so we returned to Townsville and flew down. Then we got a taxi to our place of rest which was directly across from the hospital we needed to attend. After a good nights sleep we went and saw the surgeon who told us what we already knew regarding the pain but said the symptoms didn't fit and he would put me in hospital until we had performed all the tests and he knew the cause of my leg weakness.

With our hearts in our hands we awaited the phone call to give us an admission time and when it came we went straight to their admissions centre even though the room wasn't going to be ready for another couple of hours. After that we went back to our place of rest and my husband packed my bags. Then he delivered me to the hospital with all my stuff, grabbed some coffee and waited. I was put into a private room in the neuroscience ward and my husband carefully put all my stuff away. The nurse who had walked us to my room took care of the medications and informed me I had an MRI booked that afternoon. So the pharmacist came in and wrote up all my medications he said he had to specially get the Xanax and it wouldn't be there before the MRI. Right away they gave me some diazepam but the hour long MRI made me extremely anxious and panicky. Only once did I allow it to show because I was freaking out and just started trying to get out by hitting the top of the machine. Five times I nearly pressed the "get me out of here" button but I kept telling myself that it would end up taking longer. My panic was obvious when they finally finished and I was brought out as they did my observations straight away and my heart rate was through the roof and my blood pressure so low (thanks to the relief from being out) that the alarms went off. Naturally they kept me in that area until my observations were back within normal range.

The relief of panic was so great that I was dead exhausted but still had another doctor and a physiotherapist to see. All that really happened there was they decided how many people I needed to help me move. One of the nurses grabbed us some sandwiches, crackers and cheese and sweet biscuits as we hadn't eaten all day. Honestly the food at the hospital was brilliant. Anyway I played with the TV after my husband left for his place of rest and eventually fell asleep with the TV on.

The next day I saw the neurologist and he did a basic assessment and one of the physiotherapists and got some exercises to do. Everything was going well at that point and I was both happy and hopeful. Early the next morning I saw the neurologist again and he told me that he would schedule a nerve conduction study and I saw a different physiotherapist who gave me some more exercises. My next morning started out with a physiotherapist with whom I used a "rollator" to stand and then to walk. Whilst it may not seem a lot but I managed to do 36 proper steps although with my failed attempts I covered about 5 metres. Doing this completely exhausted me and I crashed out around 19:00.

I hadn't recovered from this exhaustion the next morning but the rest can wait because my husband is trying to push me out the door.

[Eir]

Despite the panic in the mri, sounds like a fairly positive experience. Here's hoping they figure it all out for you
*hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

To continue from where I left off, the next morning I was still asleep. The physiotherapist saw me early and I could barely keep my eyes open. I don't know that they got much out of me until lunchtime when I got a text to tell me that a good friend of mine had died of suspected suicide. My nurse heard me say the word suicide and reported me as being suicidal. They came in while I was sleeping and moved everything so that I couldn't touch anything and put up both the sides of the bed, thereby trapping me in the bed, and organised a nurse to stay "on watch" while they organised a psychiatrist to come and assess me, potentially for a psych admission.

Keep in mind that I couldn't get around without the wheelchair so I was completely trapped firstly in the room, secondly on the bed. They held me like that until I'd seen the neurologist the following morning when they removed the nurse but kept me trapped and basically dropped all treatment. My husband wanted to take me out of the room in the afternoon and was told all he could do was take me around the ward. He decided to call a number that the hospital advertises for if a patient deteriorates and after he spoke to them we were told he was allowed to take me to a courtyard but they needed to be able to reach us in case either the pain specialist or psychiatrist came. Neither did which was a great kick in the guts.

I should probably make a note here of several things. The only way to restrict a mentally ill patient is to put them under the mental health act in which case a psychiatrist MUST see them within 6 hours. An extension can be made for a further 3 hours to give a total of 9 hours not the 24+ hours they kept me trapped. Also, if a mentally ill person is put under the act they must be informed that they've been put under the act and what that means, in a way they can understand, unlike what happened with me. Considering I was never a risk to myself I struggled with being trapped, but I think anyone in that situation would struggle regardless of whether they were mentally ill or not.

All that really happened after they removed the nurse is that I discovered that they had dropped all tests for me instead planning to organise a psych admission for no valid reason. Oh and the chaplain came to see me for a chat because my nurse was busy. Late in the evening I finally saw the pain specialist who changed one of my pain medications. She was actually really good and supportive and agreed that it would be better for me to be involved in rehabilitation back home which, unfortunately, only exists at the local public hospital.

Before 07:30 the next morning I had seen two doctors, one basically saying I wasn't his problem (there's nothing I can do for you) and the other saying I would be better doing rehabilitation back home. After my shower the physiotherapist on that day came and had a chat. We did some standing and marching on the spot whilst holding onto a bar outside on the ward's courtyard. It was nice to feel the breeze and be in the sunlight to be honest. Following that came 90 steps on the rollator with the physiotherapists aid following with the wheelchair.

As you can possibly guess I was feeling good but I was informed at lunchtime that I must discharge then and there. Naturally that would have normally upset me but it was my husband who was angered. Considering he'd had to move accommodation several times he lost two night's fee, not to mention that we had to find and organise flights, get a wheelchair taxi, get to the airport and get home. Really anything but fun and a very long day with the plane not landing until 21:55 and it taking about an hour to get from the airport home. One big thing that management didn't consider was the legal problem with sending me home then because the medication I had started the night before legally requires close monitoring for the first week. Mind you, they also forgot to tell the pain specialist that they were kicking me out, ahem.... discharging me. She was not at all happy about and, due to the legal side, rang my GP begging him to monitor me. Too bad we didn't see him for a week huh?

To sum up this whole trip it was an extremely expensive waste of time. All they did was an MRI which confirmed the damage we already knew about. Despite swearing that they would not let me go until they found the answer they chose to blame it on psychological or psychiatric problems without being placed to make such a call or continuing with the promised tests. As the referral to the rehabilitation unit never happened that was yet another lie. Leaving aside the two legal issues (the mental health act and medication monitoring) I think the only potential positive was starting the new medication but there's a long way to go there. But at least I have very positive legal cases coming up.... mind you I'd rather not have another horrible experience.

While all this was going on I missed two weeks of university though I tried to keep up so it's been very busy around here. Life goes on regardless of how much the world tries to bring you down. I'm now up-to-date with university work, including assignment two which is due May 16 and just needs typing up. At least that weight is off my chest. No matter what though there's always someone who will see you fighting to get up and kick you back down.

[Kahlia1981]

I really wish that I could just get out of the wheelchair and start walking but that's a long road. On days like today it feels longer because my legs/brain/whatever is having a bad day and I cannot stand even while supported. My GP is going to refer me to a neurologist here and try to get me into rehabilitation that way. He also knows we have a long way to go with my pain medications. Everything just seems to take a long time right now.

But we have to carefully consider what to do about my next ECT. In the hospital who caused all this trouble they wouldn't take me because I cannot look after myself. My current psychiatrist doesn't believe my psychiatric conditions are causing my pain and leg weakness and doesn't want me to have ECT until my back is fixed or a specialist declares it won't do any harm. We need to remember that I'm coming up to when it is due and have to be careful in extending the time span, especially as I'm attempting two university subjects next semester.

*sigh* My husband got a stinger removed from his neck on Sunday night and, because he went up by ambulance, had to wait until the sun came up to get a lift home. He slept on and off yesterday morning and crashed out in the early afternoon and waking at 10:00 this morning. Wish I could get sleep like that especially as we ran out of tobacco yesterday and couldn't get more until my husband woke up this morning. Don't get me wrong, we had patches on and NRT's but they just couldn't keep up. It amazes me that they can make a pain patch that is still sticking a week later but they cannot make a nicotine patch that sticks long enough for you to put the strapping tape over it. *shrug*

[Kahlia1981]

Yesterday a long-time friend of both my family and myself passed away. On top of that the location where her family scattered the ashes of my friend who died less than a month ago was revealed bringing a low mood for me. Despite the fact that we have someone coming out tomorrow to do an assessment and hopefully help us with the paperwork to get me a new wheelchair and I've organised a meeting with disability Services through university there's a bitter taste knowing that the wheelchair may be long-term.

I've been listening to a lot of music lately and the chorus of Avril Lavigne's song Darlin really hits me. The whole song does, especially the reminder that your future is not your past.

[Chorus:]
Pretty please
I know it's a drag
Wipe your eyes and put up your head
I wish you could be happy instead
There's nothing else I can do
But love you the best that I can
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Skylar Grey's song Invisible also hits me because I can see all the people not seeing me. They're playing on their phones or iPods, or even just sitting on the other side of the room and it's like I don't even exist. People talk over me, walk right past me without ever seeing me.

[Chorus:]
Even when I'm walking on a wire
Even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Everyday I try to look my best
Even though inside I'm such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible

Maybe it's because I am invisible. Or maybe it's just that everyone hates me so much that they can't stand to be near me. After all everything I touch gets ruined. Why do I even bother.

[Eir]

*hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Thank-you Annie.

Tomorrow I trial another (apparently sportier) and hopefully a forearm Walker/Rollator so I can get walking with time and safety. Honestly I'm not sure it's going to be worth it. No one seems to be interested in doing anything about my spine but still want to get me walking. Right now I'm certain it will just be a wasted effort and do nothing more than have more doors slammed in my face. Maybe fully embracing the dark will be the best option for me. Going back to being a suicidal piece of crap won't be difficult since I can't do anything right ever. Why even keep trying when you already know you're just going to fail again.

I just want to disappear into the darkness and cry myself stupid but this freaking wheelchair and my body won't let me. My family said to me after the problems with this wheelchair started "of course it was built to transfer your manna who was tiny and only weighed x not for someone of your build". Like I didn't already have problems with my weight. Every single thing I do is wrong or stupid no matter what they are. Continuously I am thinking to myself that I'm just not good enough, and the truth is that I'm not.

Both Jem and Chris died by their own hands and I'm responsible for both of them. With Jem I should have seen the warning signs and gotten there earlier to stop him. I should have seen the warning signs with Chris too considering he passed of the same method exactly two years later. But I was too busy attempting to go that way myself. It was my fault that both happened and even managing to arrive home in time to save my now husband's life can't lessen that.

Trapped so badly right now and not sure there's even a point in fighting. *sigh*

[Eir]

FASFs can be rather bulky, but I hope they find the right fit for you.
You are not responsible for Chris and Jem's deaths. It came from their choices. You know it's not possible to drag someone else to mental well being. Horse to water and all that. I know you struggle with it, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for another's choice. I struggle with similar self blame, so i know it's hard to convince yourself. The hurt of the bystander, the witness, is the part that suicide forgets. 'i should have seen the warning signs', it's a bit hard to see how deep the the next persons hole is when you're in your own hole, 5 foot down and digging. And there is no shame in that, you cannot help someone out of their hole when you can't see out of yours.
Sadly, you can't save everyone. Nor is it your responsibility to.
Your family don't sound very supportive, nor kind. And that's where I'm gonna leave that.
I'll be headed your way soon, perhaps we could meet one afternoon if you are comfortable with that, no pressure, I just figure it might be nice.
Take care Kahlia, I'm thinking of you

[Kahlia1981]

Annie - Sorry for the late reply, there's been so much going on that it's been hard to keep track. My parents are actually quite good, compared to my brother and sister who only visit, or talk to us when they want something. They had a huge learning curve when I first became unwell and I don't think they even realise that I take that message from it. I actually had a full on talk with my mother since my last post and she apologised. I know they only want me to thrive but sometimes that's hard to do and to see. I'm not sure if you've already been up but I wouldn't mind catching up. Right now I'm about to go to hospital because my back is playing nasty tricks. Hopefully I will be back home tonight.