Life, please... no more

[crazykat]

Sounds like alot going on but yet day after day you keep putting one foot in front of the other despite what your facing and I think that shows alot of strength. Hold on there.

[Kahlia1981]

Kat - Thanks

I'm sitting here right now thinking over the last 34 years of my life. My birthday is officially over and I find myself wondering what I have done with my life, what the overall plan is for my future and .... asking myself is it really worth waking up in the morning. To be perfectly honest I'm not sure how to answer that question. Perhaps it is just that I didn't think I would live this long. With everything that happened, and the obvious nature of my mental illness, I guess I thought that I would be dead many years ago. Sometimes I think everything in my life is cyclic, that I am going through the cycle of building myself up and becoming well through losing it all and trying/wanting to harm/kill myself to hitting "rock bottom" before the cycle starts again. Don't misunderstand me, I don't think (or believe) that I am unique in this. Each and every human will, at one point or another in their lives, ask themselves the question why do I get up each morning? Or even, is my life worth living? Does it have a purpose? Our human brains cannot continuously run our bodies and give us a life to lead without some sense of purpose - something to live for. For some people their belief in God (in any form) keeps them going because they believe that there is a plan for their life, that God uses situations to teach them and the like. Other people find this purpose through the people around them - partners, friends, children, family.... Still others find their purpose through scientific means, whether that be aiming to help others through finding new drugs to treat illnesses, creating new water filtration systems, improving power generation methods, et cetera. I'm certain that there are other ways for people to feel that purpose in their lives, but I struggle to see one in mine. Am I here to warn people that mental illness can be treated but not cured? Perhaps to try and assist with removing the stigma that is placed on mental illness? Does my purpose relate to something that I haven't even become aware of yet? Here and now I am too tired to keep fighting a battle that I know I will never win, yet every day I get up and keep attacking this invisible enemy that knows every single one of my weaknesses better than I do. Why do I keep doing this? Honestly, I really don't know. Maybe one day this will all become clear and I'll be able to understand this constant battle. Maybe....

[Eir]

I wish I knew the words, Kahlia, I really do.
*hugs*
Thank you. It's odd, but you somehow give me hope.
You keep trying. Hard as it is, you've continued to try. And you share. Your experiences, dark and light. You don't lock them away.
You are so brave. So much more than I.
I can keep trying. Right now, because you've given me a bit of hope. That tiny bit of focus to get through for now.
I always forget how much Ryl and the vets help, even without trying. Just the existence of this collection of people trying. Trying to get by, trying not to give up or in.
Thank you Kahlia.

[Kahlia1981]

Ktanaya - First, do you mind if I call you Annie? Thank you for your reply. I honestly don't know how to respond but I would like you to know that I appreciate your words.

These last few weeks have not been easy but I have somehow made it through. I learned on Sunday that a good friend of mine from the hospital in Brisbane died the day before. Despite learning of his death I haven't been able to get any details and have been searching throughout the internet to find funeral arrangements with no luck. Since then I have also been contacting all my other friends from Brisbane to see how they are coping. Before this I didn't realise how many friends I have there....

Next Tuesday I have my university exam and I'm finding it extremely difficult to study. Despite my preparations and revisiting all my workshops and revision lectures I don't feel ready. My husband keeps telling me that it will all be fine, that I'm perfectly prepared and will be fine, and now my closest friends are repeating that. Personally I don't know how I can help myself prepare for this but I will keep at it until it happens. For now I will just keep my head in the books.

Given the problems I have been having with my mood dropping, difficulty concentrating and my DID my husband and I have been discussing my university study. I have made the decision to drop from a double Bachelor degree to a single Bachelor degree with a double major (Applied Computer Science and Information Systems Development). The major benefit is the reduction of the number of subjects that I am not extremely interested in but require and the total reduction of subjects to complete. We also worked out what I will be taking next year, my last three first year subjects and the carry-on subject from the one I am about to be examined on.

My spinal problems are increasing and I am finding it difficult to be in a position that doesn't cause pain. Sitting hurts, standing hurts, lying down hurts.... Occasionally I manage to get into a position that doesn't hurt for 10 - 20 minutes and I am thankfully for any relief that I get. Heat packs can be very helpful and my mother has loaned me a special cushion for when I am sitting at my computer or outside on the patio. I cannot attach it everywhere (and won't be able to take it with me for my exam) but it still makes a difference. Right now I will take any time without pain because I know that I'll be in agony again before the day is through.

Rehearsals are currently in full swing for several productions including the local choral societies "Vicar of Dibley" and the end of year concert for the Choral-aires. I am doing the lighting for the vicar and have been working my way through the script in order to understand the possible lighting requirements. The most intensive section is during the wedding where I (and the stage manager) have to make it seem as if time is passing between parts of the dialogue. Fun..... Mind you, the choral-aires will be more fun, if only because I am actually going to be on the stage.... During the second half I will be doing quite a bit - especially with the "A little bit of nonsense" number. We're using bits from several songs and interpreting them as they were not originally meant to be interpreted. Although I cannot say for sure I do have the feeling that the audience will be amused.

It looks as though I shall be heading down to Brisbane for ECT once more after the concert in order to be home before Christmas. My husband and I decided that I should seek more information about the DID program being offered at another hospital in Brisbane and that it would probably be a good idea for me to go ahead with this in early January (if we go ahead at all) so that I have time to recover if things go badly prior to returning to uni. Trying to schedule in all my required hospitalisations gets to be a full time job but I am thankful that my university ditched SWOT VAC (or study vacation if you prefer) in favour of an extra weeks holiday in the middle of the semester (they also arrange semester one and two to fit around school holidays).

[Kahlia1981]

Again tonight my mood is dropping and my suicidal thoughts becoming more extreme. One of my alters has volunteered to "step out and handle it" so to speak but I don't know if that is the right thing to do right now. Another of my alters has multiple plans for suicide, to most of which I don't know the details. To be perfectly honest, I don't know what she has planned although she has tried to drive my sister's car into a concrete pylon at 150+ km/h (~92 mph). She would have managed it to if one of my alters hadn't decided to take over the body. Just writing this I am realising how difficult it is to explain what happens within my DID system.... For most people this must be extremely confusing. Regardless, all I want to do is curl up and die, yet I know that tomorrow I will continue to wake up and start another day of this. Having to go through this over and again seriously makes me feel as if I am in an infinite loop with no potential exit ever. *sigh*

My husband has been struggling since we didn't travel down to see his youngest daughter for her school holidays (due to her mother continually telling us not to go). His daughter decided that the right thing to do was to cut off all contact with her father because she was angry with him. Leaving aside the fact that we didn't drive down (a 1400+ km drive) with our dogs because we couldn't afford to be turned away at the door with nowhere to stay, and the fact that it was her mother telling us to get stuffed. Who am I to argue against a child's logic when her mother is constantly encouraging bad behaviour patterns?? Anyway, she has been avoiding all contact with her father in order to make him pay for gifts. She has learned, over the last 11 years, that if she throws a tantrum (in any variation) she would get whatever it was she wanted so she was attempting to make her father feel like crap so that he would spend massive amounts of money to get back in her good books. He did not cave in, though we worked together to help him stay strong, and she finally called him yesterday even though it was because she wanted to tell him what christmas gift she desired.....

It would be so easy right now to just give in to my brain and do what I need to do, but I don't want to hurt my husband and I don't want to hurt the puppies. All I know is that I don't want to feel so down and worthless anymore but there isn't anything else left here for me. No matter what I do there is no way we can dig ourselves out of the financial situation we are in and my husband deserves someone much better. He needs someone who can give him everything he needs, everything he wants. But I am not that person. I cannot seem to do anything without it ultimately ending in tears. Perhaps that is all that my life is for..... so that I can die in order to end the pain. Who knows? Just please make it stop. Please....

[Eir]

*hugs* of course you can. I'd love it if you would.
Sounds really crappy at the moment. Probably not a great idea to let them take over, especially if you aren't certain who is not safe. I kinda "get" alters, no official diagnosis but had the experience when I was younger of having my hallucinations take control. So while I've not dealt with it for a long time nor had as distressing experiences as you, I get it as much as an outsider could I think.
Pain makes everything worse. Are you referred to a chronic pain clinic, maybe they could help? Or have you tried TENS?
Good luck with your exams. I've mine on wednesday.

[Kahlia1981]

Annie - Pain definitely makes things worse but the so-called pain specialists in this town follow the ethos: if you stop taking any form of pain relief you will no longer be in pain, making it difficult to get anywhere. The neurosurgery screening clinic is bouncing me every three months in the belief that my spine, which requires intensive surgery, will fix itself and have no intention of offering any real assistance until my legs are paralysed and I'm in a wheelchair full-time. Physiotherapists won't touch my back in fear of causing permanent damage but we use a TENS machine at home, along with heat pack, to help. I hope your exam/s went well.

My exam went really well but I have to honestly say that it was much easier than I expected. I was asking myself the whole way through if the exam was meant for babies, albeit babies wanting to learn computer programming. Even just when I was in reading time my brain was throwing "this is way too easy" errors and I was getting concerned, as strange as that might sound... The room the local university had me in was amazing. It was huge with whiteboards covering three walls and about one quarter of the forth, finished with soundproof glass. Given the layout it could easily be used for full class tutorials as well as student/group study with plenty of power sockets for laptops, st cetera and a computer which utilises the projector screens. Much better than when they chucked me into a side room in the student cafe...And for anyone interested I received a HD (High Distinction) for the subject.

Since I last wrote things have definitely taken a turn for the worse. We had the local choral societies production of The Vicar of Dibley, for which I ran lights, which took place during the last two weekends in November. The following week we had the end of year concert for the Choral Aires, a singing group my parents and I are part of, and in that lead up week I got sick and one of the ladies died. In the week after the concert another lady who used to accompany me when I played my flute passed away. Besides those deaths there were at least another two before we hit the end of 2015 making it easy for me to sum up 2015 in four words: lots of people died...

After the end of year concert my mood continued to drop. I fully intended to kill myself and convinced Erin (16 year old alter) to tell me where a large box of tablets were. She told me before my husband went to sleep and both stopped me from taking them and hid the box. Since then I have basically disappeared inside leaving my alters to deal with the world. Kai is getting me down to Brisbane for my overdue ECT treatment beginning about the 10th of January and my alters are running my body. As a matter of fact my oldest alter, Saphira, is writing this for me.

Right now we are just trying to do our job of protecting Kahlia, our host, in this case so that she cannot do herself serious or fatal damage. Although it is difficult and unusual for us to run the body all day every day with Kai's help we are making it through. Initially I was terrified that Kahlia may never come back out again but we are all hoping that the treatment will lift her mood to the point where she feels safe in the outside world. Kai has told us straight out not to force her out and has actually stated that he hopes she doesn't come out until we are in hospital in Brisbane despite how much he misses her.

At this point we are taking the puppies with us to Brisbane and the family will be staying with a friend of Kahlia's about 19 minutes drive from the hospital. She has also offered to walk the dogs and is really looking forward to seeing all of us again, especially Jessie, our adorable 6 year old alter whom everybody seems to love and have a hard time saying "no" to. Mind you, give her a colouring book and some crayons and she'll be happy but if you sit down and colour with her she will love you forever!! Kai is also hoping to see his youngest daughter whilst we are all down there so it could be a busy couple of weeks.

Hopefully things will go as planned and we will have Kahlia back in control soon.

[Kahlia1981]

Well it's Kahlia back in control of the body and quite a lot has taken place since Saphira last wrote for me.

To begin with, two or three days before we were due to leave for Brisbane my friend sent a text stating that her husband had decided that having my husband and the dogs staying there for two weeks would have a negative effect on her mental health. My biggest problem with this was how close it came to us leaving and the fact that she didn't even bother to call with the news, she just chose to text it. What this all meant was that Kai had to call a friend who lives in Buderim - a couple of hours from the hospital - to ask if he could stay there and we were unable to leave until my parents returned home from their trip to the Gold Coast as we weren't able to take the puppies with us. Naturally leaving the dogs behind meant that we had to make preparations so that my parents didn't have to go out and get anything for the puppies and we desperately missed them.

After leaving our two girls with my parents we took two days to drive down to Brisbane. We slept overnight in Rockhampton and Kai ended up having an emergency trip to hospital because he just couldn't stop vomiting. The doctor in emergency was a real prick and I (or Saphira at this point) was forced to find the way up there with all of Kai's scripts because they wanted to charge him with having a Schedule 8 drug that wasn't in his name - even though we offered the ambulance drivers the appropriate scripts.... Really that didn't make for a wonderful time that night and we had to be up and moving before 10:00 am the next morning.

My GP had written a letter to the hospital requesting that they organise a room for me with a special hospital bed in order to alleviate some of the problems I have when I get up (or can't get up) in the morning. For once the hospital had actually taken this into account and the bed they gave me was wonderful. To begin with you could raise the head and feet both together and individually and it also had a massage function which was very nice on my lower back. Additionally things worked out really well because, although they put me into a shared room, they had so few patients for the majority of my admission meaning that I had the room to myself except for the last three or four days. Before I go down again I am intending to switch my private health insurance to the company with which my hospital has an agreement which would mean that the hospital would have to give me a single room (or as the lone person in a shared room) or be forced to pay me $100 per night that they forced me to share. Sounds like a win-win situation for me...

Kai was anxiously awaiting my fourth ECT treatment in order to see if I would return to having majority control of the body but was also making arrangements for what to do if I didn't return. As it happens my psychiatrist from the hospital took me into one of the group rooms to have an "adult conversation with an adult" and basically forced me out from inside. The first four treatments had provided enough of a relief for my barricades to begin coming down and he just forced me back to reality with no idea where I was or how much time had passed. Luckily I was able to recognise the doctor and was able to see the "Zen" garden, both of which assisted me with locating where I was only leaving the difficulty of working out how long it had been.

My last two treatments went fairly well and we were planning to drive home the day after my final treatment - which basically meant discharging immediately following that treatment. Unfortunately the child in the family that was putting him up whilst I was in hospital came down with a pretty severe cold which got passed on to both the father and Kai. Immediately after Kai began to feel the effects we went up to the local pharmacy to get him something to help and, despite him not feeling overly good throughout the trip home, it took away a large portion of the symptoms. Between us we shared the driving, although I did take most of it, and were extremely glad to arrive back at home.

Before we brought everything in from the car we stopped over at my parents place to greet the dogs who were very happy to see us. I know that they were well cared for but their pure excitement at seeing us approaching the door told us just how much they missed us. For the first four days after we left they didn't eat anything at all and Kai was beginning to think that he might have to make the trip home if that didn't change but, eventually, hunger took over. Since we have been home the dogs have made it very clear that they do not want us to leave them again and I've had Emi sitting on my foot for most of the day. Both girls have been a lot more "clingy" than they were before but it is obvious that they are glad to have us back.

Whilst I was in hospital I was finding that clothes that used to fit me quite well were becoming too large but I was a bit surprised when I stepped onto the scales today and found out how much weight I had lost, just since I had gone into hospital. I know that I was eating whilst there so it isn't like I have been starving myself or anything (even though they always seemed to give me a yoghurt with the one ingredient I'm allergic to - mango - in it for post-ECT breakfast...). The menu at the hospital has definitely changed for the better with it no longer being a case of chicken for every meal except Friday lunchtime (which is always fish and chips). Kai ate there a few nights, including once for free because the kitchen staff didn't ask for his paid dinner voucher. Believe it or not we actually took the voucher back to the front counter staff and told them that the kitchen staff hadn't asked for it or taken it and we intended to return it, however they told us not to but to just use it the next night.

With regards to Kai seeing his daughter it was a comedy of errors all brought about by her lying, cheating, stealing mother. The worst part was that all the lies were deadly obvious. Kai even ended up ringing the police because his daughter hadn't contacted him when she was supposed to. He was so scared that she might have been abducted when in reality her mother was just using lies and bullshit to stop any contact. Now Kai is going to prepare a visitation plan which will eventually require mediation through Relationships Australia because there is no way that the mother is going to agree to anything that doesn't give her 100% power. My only hope is that she gets what is coming to her, and I have seriously been considering telling Woolworths (who she works for and regularly steals from) that the staff at the particular store are being encouraged to steal in the hope that they will put an investigative staff member within the store and catch all the thieves.

Tomorrow we are aiming to begin the process of quitting smoking. We have spent a small fortune on products to assist us with quitting and it really pisses me off that none of it is subsidised. Let me put it this way.... Out of every packet of tobacco or smokes that we buy we pay 95% tax. If we quit smoking the number of people paying this tax decreases, therefore the government itself does not actually want people to quit despite the image they attempt to portray. Because quitting is very difficult and works best when multiple NRT's are used the person wanting to quit is forced to pay out more for the fortnight than they would usually spend on tobacco, but that is okay because it is our fault that we smoke. Meh.

Now I really need a sleep before my back starts giving me absolute hell again...

[Kahlia1981]

I made the mistake of reading something on FB today and since have been unable to stop the tears from falling. Right now I would give anything to take a xanax and have a cigarette to try and get things back into control but I'm not even sure if that would help. At least I can take the xanax and try to regain some control but I'm so tired of fighting. For the last few days I've just had to burst into tears without there necessarily being a "valid" reason for doing so. Everything appears to be contributing to my low mood and it doesn't take much for me to go from sad to so low that I have no energy, no will to live and just feel like a depressed piece of wasted space. My university semester begins at the end of this month and my textbook should be arriving this week but I'm not even sure that I'm going to be able to hold it together long enough to get through the first week. God I need a break from being myself but I don't want to be switching all the time either as I know how difficult it is for my alters.

Last night Kai told me of a conversation he had with the friend he stayed with whilst I was getting treatment in hospital and it really hasn't helped me remain positive. Basically the girl is saying that half of my life events never actually happened but were hallucinations created by my schizophrenia. Apparently she knows all this because she knew me at the time, but in reality she wasn't a big part of my life in any way and my sister - who would be the most likely contact to tell her anything - wasn't living at home when August 1st 1997 occurred. For some reason this really hurts me, basically being told that my life is a lie which it isn't. No one really wants to admit that they didn't know anything about me at that point and I've never said a word to my family because I never want them to feel like they failed me. Having said that, hearing that people would prefer to believe I'm lying than to actually consider the truth real is extremely painful and makes me doubt my ability to talk with these people again. After all, what is the point of speaking with someone who basically ignores everything that you say in order to keep their view of your world??

Maybe I'm just overthinking things or letting them get to me but right now I feel like there is a huge tear in my heart and I have no idea who I can trust - other than my husband that is. He made the decision not to speak up to our friend on my behalf because he realised that it would do no good for anyone as she is "always" right. She's definitely a hypochondriac and possibly has anorexia but she does always make herself out to be incredibly ill when there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. Additionally she is incredibly opinionated and if you disagree with her than you are always wrong. Trying to tell her the truth would end up with arguments and her ignoring us anyway as well as spreading whatever the hell she wanted to people who don't need (or we don't want) to know.

I think I'm going to take some xanax and try to calm down a little before this day disappears into a "curl up on the bed, cuddle Bear and cry myself to sleep" kind of day.

[Kahlia1981]

This afternoon I watched a video on FB of a young adult speaking a poem about suicide which I really related to. After watching I took the time to look through the comments and was extremely disappointed to read some of the responses. Part of the poem stated that when she tried to talk to people about feeling suicidal their answer was simply to pray, something I (and I'm sure many other people) have been told over and over again. One of the comments basically indicated that things are never that bad, people love you and suicide is a selfish act and that really got me thinking. Quite obviously the person writing that comment has never felt so low/bad that they would even contemplate taking their own life and really doesn't understand the struggle - the battle - that takes place within the minds of every person who considers suicide an option. What I would really like to do is speak to that person and remind/tell them that they have no idea how "bad" things are for someone else because they don't know their full story and haven't lived their lives. From an outsiders perspective it may seem that things aren't too bad and that others are going through far worse, but when you take into account the things which cannot be seen and the constant daily struggles to stay alive who are we to say how bad things are? Because the person leaving the comment has never been in that situation it is obvious that they cannot understand that when you have reached a mental state where suicide is an option you (often) truly believe that nobody loves you and that everyone would be far better off if you were dead. Using that emotional and mental response it is easy to see that suicide is not selfish because the person truly believes that their death will fix/heal/help and improve the lives of every single person they know. Yes, they do believe it will end their own pain and suffering, and usually that suicide is the only way out, but it doesn't stop there. Just in case you can't tell I find a comment like that where you are making the assumption that you know enough about a person to be able to say their situation isn't "that bad", think telling someone that people love them will increase their will to stay in a world with which they are having obvious trouble and then blaming them and classing as selfish their desire to make the world a better place through ending their emotional and mental pain from which they see no other way out extremely distressing. Please don't get me wrong, I can understand that it must be extremely difficult for a person who has never contemplated suicide to understand the multitude of emotions, struggles and reasons why someone would think of taking their own lives but taking the attitude that you are selfish and things cannot be that bad really doesn't sit well with me, and shows how much the stigma surrounding mental illness and suicide still exists. Maybe one day the worlds suicide rates will become zero with every suicidal person having access to appropriate and affordable help when and where they need it and being able to speak honestly about the struggles we face without being afraid of how people will treat us but, sadly, that time is not now. *sigh*

Both my husband and I are still working on trying to quit smoking with us now having on our fifth NRT patch. Kai is really struggling because his neck pain has increased massively since we began to reduce and quit. We have still been having a few cigarettes a day along with the patches, gum, lozenges and spray but have dropped from 40+ per day to approximately 3 per day. Obviously there is still a long way to go but by they end of the second week we are intending not to have cigarettes any longer. Part of the reason that we have been continuing to smoke, although at a much lower rate, is because of how much we were smoking to begin with and the amount of nicotine that our bodies are used to. Despite what most people would think immediately dropping a significant level of nicotine is incredibly dangerous and has been known to cause massive physical problems including heart attacks so we have tried to reduce the amount without causing our bodies to go into a stress-like condition. Generally quitting things is much easier for me than for Kai as his personality is far more addictive, and in this particular case he has been smoking for about 30 years whilst I've only been smoking for about 10 years. At this point the hardest smoke to drop is the first one in the morning and we are having to find activities to keep our hands occupied whilst still sitting outside in the patio where we usually smoked - which we would prefer not to lose as it is the only outside area that is always covered and dry whilst allowing us to catch the breeze.

I organised a large number of photocopied images for my alters to colour in this afternoon as I am aware that some of the younger girls are nervous about doing them inside the books in case they get them "wrong". We have been attempting to reassure them that there is no way that they can colour them in wrong but I eventually gave in and just photocopied a stack of them so that they can play around with the colours. My hope is that they feel more comfortable playing around with the colouring now as they don't have to worry about anything other than putting in the colour they want. Considering some of the books included 3D glasses so that you can see how particular colours - like yellow, orange and red - appear to jump off the page whilst others - purple, blue and green - appear to fade into the background I thought that copying the images would give them (or all of us) a chance to really play around and see what the effects look like, both with and without the glasses. Hopefully all my alters will like them and find them both entertaining and interesting, and we are considering getting a special folder to put all of their/our completed images into as we are beginning to get quite a few.

Over the next couple of days I have to remake a few bracelets considering pretty much all of mine are now broken. My 7+ year SI free bracelet exploded whilst I was in hospital in Brisbane and the clip on the one all my alters put together for me whilst I was inside broke and fell off so it needs redoing as well. Years ago I made a special bracelet for Kai using an elastic thread and he stopped wearing it because he was concerned that it would break so I am remaking it for him with a wire thread in order to keep it whole longer. Beading really does help distract me and keep me going okay but at present it is a massive pain in the arse to get everything out and sorted because my bead board is currently on top of the tall bookshelf in our bedroom and the only other places to put it are on the kitchen table or coffee table. We were storing it on the floor under our bed but one of our dogs, Emi to be precise, decided to start chewing on the wood so that is no longer an option, even though it would make it a lot easier to get out and put away. Having said that I really do want to get back into my beading including making a special bracelet for a friend of mine because it allows my creativity to come back out and provides, often lengthy, distraction from everything currently going on around me - as does colouring in and writing poetry.

I have still been struggling with an extremely low mood today and I'm finding that the smallest things can cause me to begin crying. Sometimes I cannot even work out what it is that is bringing on the tears which can make it incredibly difficult to cope, understand and change any necessary circumstances. Regardless I am still here and preparing to face another day even though I am so tired of fighting and acting like everything is fine. Thankfully my husband does understand as he sometimes feels the same way so we are both able to be completely honest with each other about life, the universe and everything. Curling up and crying on the bed still sounds like a really good idea right now and that's exactly what I think I'm going to do. *sigh*

[Eir]

Well done for the quitting smoking. I think you are awesomely brave doing it.
I'm attempting mindfulness colouring right now. Can't say whether or not it really works for me. I get mad when I believe I've made tiny mistakes with it. But it seems to have got me through at least one shift that wasn't so great.
Just wanted to say I've read your posts really. And that I'm thinking of you. ( I'm trying for some positivity right now)
Take care,
Annie

[Kahlia1981]

Annie - Thanks. We are really struggling with remaining smoke free but have managed to cut down from 30 to 40 per day to around 6 per day - unless extremely difficult situations are occurring but we have not had more than 10 in any one day since we started. Our hope is that it will get easier the more we stick with it but we're very seriously concerned about the effect it is having on our mood. I'm glad that you are open and willing to try new things to learn what techniques and strategies can offer some help. Stick with the mindfulness colouring for a little while longer if you can, especially since there has seemed to be a positive experience from it so far, and you are definitely not alone in getting angry at yourself when you think you have made mistakes. At some points we all do that whether we would like to admit it or not so you are certainly not alone there.

I've been doing 50 minutes of Zumba every day for the last week or two and close to every second day for the week before in an attempt to help with raising my mood. Given that it is (definitely) summer here I am attempting to get up early in the morning so that I can do my exercise before it becomes too hot, although I always end up completely dressed regardless. On a couple of occasions over the last ten days I have not woken up until around 10:30 am and had a massive battle with myself about whether or not to begin the exercise but have made a promise to myself to do this every day and I have managed to keep going. Mind you, on some mornings I have been having that argument with myself regardless of what the time was because I really just didn't feel like doing it. Obviously part of the reasoning behind doing a daily cardio workout is physical but I'm also using it to hopefully benefit from the endorphins released and to prove to myself that I am capable of keeping promises that I make to myself and, strangely enough, to make exercise a habit. Whatever the reasons I am proud of myself for being able to do the Zumba, even on days when I don't want to.

At present my mood is still extremely low and it looks like I will be needing to return to hospital in Brisbane for more top up ECT treatments within the next week or two. That is going to be an extreme pain in the arse because there is just so much that has to be gotten done such as meetings with the government to prove that I am studying (when they constantly get paperwork stating that), doctors appointments and all the pre-university starting reading, organising and the like. Considering I have plenty of work to do because I decided to change my degree from a double Bachelor (IT and Business) to a single Bachelor of IT, which I didn't think would require basically starting everything from scratch, and that meant that I had to fill in once again all of the paperwork that they could throw in my direction. The paperwork included my HECS (Higher Education Contribution Scheme) and SAF (Student Administration Fees) forms as well as a new form for Centrelink so that I can continue receiving my PES (Pensioner Education Supplement). My biggest annoyance though was that I had to both reapply for credit from previous subjects - with separate forms for different universities - and re-enroll in all the subjects I had previously enrolled in for this years studies. Can you tell that I'm incredibly frustrated and really think this is going a bit far? Don't get me wrong, if I had completely changed my degree - from a Bachelor of Business to a Bachelor of IT - or added a second Bachelor degree to what you were doing - going from a Bachelor of Business to a double Bachelor of Business and IT - but I can't see why everything has to be redone when you are removing part of the degree. Some bits would need to be redone, and I can fully understand that, but why the heck did I need to re-enroll in subjects which I had already enrolled in, less than two months beforehand?? Hopefully everything which needed to be filled in has been and I don't have to worry about it for a while.

For now all I want to do is cry and there doesn't seem to be any particular reason for it or way to stop it. No matter what we try I just seem to keep dropping and I'm a little nervous that I would do myself some serious damage if I don't get treatment or my mood doesn't lift. To be honest I am posting here now in order to try and stop myself from taking the urges and thoughts in my head any further, even though I know there is no way of stopping them here and now. Medications only help for short periods and it probably will end up being easier just to leave myself crying either into my teddy bear or onto my husband's shoulders. Of course that would mean that he would need to be 100% aware of just how my mood is and that there does not appear to be any end in sight - or light at the end of the tunnel - and I just don't know what to do. Sleep might be able to give me some short relief but I definitely won't be relying on it, or crossing my fingers for that matter.

[Kahlia1981]

This morning we returned to the monday morning singing group and my mother, as secretary, requested that everyone bring up the music from last year, staple together any that covered multiple pages and then sort them so that each piece went onto a pile of its own. Do you think those simple requests were able to be met??? Obviously the answer is not really with the majority of people managing the sorting - with assistance once we made it clear that we weren't going to go through everyone's music pile and sort it ourselves - but the stapling???? For goodness sake we would have been better off declaring one person in charge of the two staplers. A large number of people didn't bother doing any stapling whilst others possibly meant to do well but managed to put the first page of one song with the second page of another or, just to be different, somehow managed to staple two or more songs together. My mother and I spent the whole first half of the rehearsal trying to make some sense out of the garbage that had been handed in and were eagerly awaiting the morning tea break for a chance to walk away.

Now that my bitch about people's stupidity is over for the moment, one of the new ladies complimented me on my role in last years concert stating that it was hilarious when I turned around and, with the cushion in my skirt, looked around eight months pregnant. Just in case someone is reading this who isn't aware about that we did a collection of songs we titled "nonsense" and each bit was played with. I sang "Always something there to remind me" and walked backwards from the centre back of the stage to the front singing before turning around, pointing to the bump and singing the title line. We took "Chariots of Fire" and had a series of slow runners crossing the stage - until the song ended, they looked at the audience and each other and then raced off, so you can kind of get the idea. Overall quite a bit of fun both for the cast and for the audience. For my part in it the audience completely lost it when I turned around, even though some of them would have been expecting something but they couldn't be sure.

Getting our dogs to eat tonight was a real pain in the backside because we are in the middle of a storm. We had to shut the windows and doors with the puppies inside because the strong winds were unsettling them but didn't have that option when it came to feeding time. I organised their food, as I always do, and delivered it outside to their regular spots but neither dog was happy about being out there. Kai ended up sitting down with Emi and patting her throughout her meal because every time he stopped she stopped eating. Connie, on the other hand, was a bit easier once I moved her bowl closer to the main seating area - or away from the edge of the patio - and she dug in with the enthusiasm she normally shows. Now both dogs are sleeping but Emi is attempting to stay as close to the people as she possibly can.

Man I need some sleep even with having a nap this afternoon. I am simply exhausted and I know that having to be up at 05:00 this morning so that I could fit in both my Zumba workout and a shower (including hair washing) with plenty of time before I needed to be over at my parents place in order to catch a lift to rehearsal. Originally Kai was going to be picking me up from the hall but when I tried to ring at morning tea his phone went straight to message bank. Because I rang again shortly after I was able to realise that either his phone was flat - which was extremely likely - or he was on the phone so I left a message and waited. Funnily enough his phone was flat and he finally managed to get enough charge on it to ring whilst I was helping my mother put away all the music folders from the morning. Straight after I became aware he had called so I rang back and ended up arranging a lift home, even with the various required detours. Let's just say that if I had waited for Kai to pick me up I would have been standing out in front of the building for at least an hour. Surely a few detours on the way home are better than standing in the sun, on my own, for an hour??

[Kahlia1981]

Today was not a good day in many ways. Firstly I had struggled to get to sleep last night and was not at all interested in getting out of bed when the alarm went off but had no choice. I did my Zumba workout, which I hadn't for two days in a row, after my morning coffee and followed it with some more fluid. Early on I had to drive into town for an appointment with Centrelink to prove, once again, that I'm still involved in study or work. Honestly I cannot wait until my birthday because then they cannot call me in every three months with the penalty of losing my disability pension if I don't attend. Considering the distance I managed to drive there a lot quicker than I expected and was able to get a park easy and still close to the building which was very unexpected. Both of the people I had to deal with there were very nice and I managed to get in and out in less than an hour so I could head back home and prepare for the afternoon. My husband and I had to see our GP this afternoon in order to get me a referral back to the hospital in Brisbane for another set of six ECT sessions, hopefully to be admitted next Tuesday. Due to having to get pieces of paper faxed here and there and blood tests to be done (among other things) we actually headed in to the doctor almost an hour early, but he only saw us fifteen minutes before our scheduled appointment. So now the referral has been done and faxed and I rang the hospital in order to ensure it had arrived and it has apparently been placed in the intake inbox. The new intake manager isn't going to like this one bit but I also emailed her to say that the referral had been sent and requested that she confirm it had arrived (despite the administration staff already confirming that) and whether or not the admission can take place as requested, at her earliest convenience of course. No matter what happens we still have to organise my flights to Brisbane which means getting in touch with the travel office at the local hospital and that's never a cakewalk. On top of that we managed to do three loads of laundry, vacuuming, general cleaning up and preparation for tomorrow when we are going to take the dogs over to my parents place and then set of the bug bombs in order to get rid of all the spiders and bugs.

What I really struggled with today was my mood. I kept acting all happy and everything for pretty much everyone because I didn't want them to know just how down I was. At the doctors surgery I had to play my iPod in order to provide some form of distraction and I would happily have switched to allow one of my alters to take control of the body if I had been able to. My suicidal thoughts were/are becoming stronger again and the urge to self harm has also been increasing. On several occasions I have switched by choice just to allow myself some time away from myself.... if that makes sense. I know that I am putting too much pressure on myself at times but I don't know what else to do.

For now I'm just going to try and get some sleep before my head starts working and sends me more and more depressive and suicidal thoughts.

[Eir]

*hugs*
Hope you're feeling a bit better. Sorry no helpful words right now. Just thinking of you.
Annie.

[Kahlia1981]

Annie: Thanks for the hugs and keeping me/us in your thoughts. *hugs*

It has been quite a long time since I have written in here because things have been so turbulent.

The local hospital travel office organised my flights down with no issues (for a change) and the Brisbane hospital also played ball. The only area where they didn't was not giving me an orthopedic bed despite my doctor stating that I required one and providing appropriate evidence. Mind you, three of their orthopedic beds were in use by people who didn't need them but I was not given one. Possibly the hospital assumed it was a request, not a requirement but it is something that they are going to pay for.

I arrived in Brisbane on the Thursday and had my first ECT session on the Friday with nothing really out of the ordinary. On the Sunday morning I woke up unable to move my legs. When I say unable to move my legs I mean either that I cannot control them at all or if I attempt to move them the pain in my back becomes extreme. Previously this has happened on several occasions and, with someone else's assistance, I usually can get to sitting and from there, and with time, I finally become able to stand and walk. Because the nurse call button was on the wall behind me I couldn't press it and so I had to wait for the nurses to come and get me for morning medications.

When the nurse finally came in she told me to get up and get my meds and I told her, straight, that I couldn't move my legs. She just gave me a look (most likely of: yeah right all she wants to do is stay in bed), went back out and came back in with the NUM (nurse unit manager). He asked me what the problem was and I told him, straight, that I couldn't move my legs. He said well you need to get up for morning meds. If you can't get up you'll be going to Prince Charles (the closest public hospital).

Given the options get up or be sent to a public hospital most likely as a mental case not a physical case I really only had one option..... to get myself out of bed. So I struggled using all sorts of movements that weren't good for my back and eventually managed to get sitting while the nurse and NUM just stood there watching me. There was no offer of assistance, nothing positive really except for the wheelie walker they brought in because when I tried to stand I kept falling back onto the bed. Obviously they both took the attitude of because I am in a psychiatric hospital, all my problems are psychiatric. Right now I cannot think what they thought I would find positive in faking being unable to move your legs but with the extreme pain I was in it is pretty obvious that something physical was wrong.

To this day I am still using a wheelie walker to get around (but not the one I had in hospital) and at 34 years of age that is a really difficult thing to come to turns with. Honestly, we initially thought that I had just inflamed my bulging spinal discs and that within a few weeks both the pain and my mobility would come back to "normal". Unfortunately we were very wrong.

After I started experiencing weakness and shaking in my legs while I was standing or walking my GP ordered a CT scan which showed that those bulging discs (well some of them anyway), specifically L4-L5 and L5-S1, had imploded into the spinal canal and giving me nerve root compression. My pain now includes massive amounts of nerve pain so my normal pain killers and PRN pain killers do not work. The GP started me on Lyrica the minute he got the results from the scan (Friday afternoon) and has been titrating me up since then. Now I also have a 6 month temporary disability sticker for our car so that I don't have to walk so far when we go out to places. But we also have a shower chair and a wheelchair in our possession for whenever we need it. I also got taken to the local emergency room by ambulance due to the pain and they agreed with my GP that surgery needs to happen now.

We are making a complaint about the hospital to the company that runs it both about not giving me an appropriate bed and not assisting me on that day and not allowing (or facilitating) me to see the GP, get scans done or anything. If my surgeon (when I have one and everything is in progress) says anything about this should be done earlier, the wrong bed and no assistance definitely made this worse, etc we will get it in writing and my husband will be at a law firm the minute he is able to. We are not letting those idiots get away with causing me pain and simply removing my mobility and independence. C***s

Since my return I also had to catch up on my uni studies. As of now I am up to date, having done everything on the board so far except for my assignment. The studies, though stressful at times, are giving me something to do to take my mind of what is happening and how fast I am deteriorating. Keeping going with it would be wonderful but I may have to drop the semester depending on when the surgery ends up taking place. Hopefully I can schedule the surgery to be at the end of semester because I can easily defer the exam but still have submitted every assignment and have access to everything on the subject board.

My mental health is not great right now and I'm struggling to hold it together but my husband's youngest daughter is coming up on Friday and there is way too much pressure to keep things going. Oh well.... that's life I guess.

[Doikers]

Hey Little Sister , I'm sorry that I just don't have the focus to read your posts but I think of you often , here comes a . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *GLOMP*

[Eir]

That sort of treatment makes me livid Kahlia. Absolutely livid. Makes me ashamed to be a nurse. I'm sorry. I'm currently too angry about how they treated you to offer anything remotely helpful.
Honestly I am. Been attempting to coming up with anything even remotely helpful, but keep sliding into rage.
How dare they!!!!
I'd be complaining now, and loudly. Especially as it's a private hospital.

[Kahlia1981]

Mark: Nice to see you big brother. Thanks for the glomp, here's one right back at you *GLOMP* I think of you often too Mark. It really is nice to see you again. <3

Annie: Oh, they are going to pay. My GP is definitely going to go in to bat for us. We spoke to him about everything after my first trip to emergency up here, which I will write about shortly and the sheer anger he was showing was amazing. Both my husband and I believe that if we couldn't fund a lawyer our GP would pay for one for us, and a good one at that. All I can say for now is that the hospital, and some of its nurses, will have a lot of explaining to do.....

So on the 18th of this month I was given the news that the pain I was feeling was very real, not imagined in any way. That was, obviously, extremely validating. It was also what I wrote about in a previous post: bulging discs and imploding discs. Seeking assistance we rang my husband's mother who absolutely went off at him screaming that I should be bedridden until my surgery, be in emergency immediately and claiming that we need to have the local hospital state that they cannot do the surgery before I can get it done at the hospital in Brisbane.

Immediately after that I rang my private health provider's 24-hour help line and spoke to them about my pain, my diagnosis and various other things and were given the advice to call the ambulance and get myself to the emergency department. So, my husband made the call to emergency services and organised an ambulance and then went out the front of our block with our car, setting the emergency lights to help the paramedics. He did stay out the front until they arrived.

Apparently they weren't too polite with him but changed their attitude when he took them on the long route around to our place. With me they were very good and made every attempt to keep me comfortable. Even though I've had some pretty horrible treatment from the local hospital emergency department that night was very different. Both paramedics were nice, all the nurses were nice and the doctor that I eventually saw was also really nice. Basically they gave me medicine to take away the pain to made me comfortable and send me home.

After that night well, we slept.... But aside from the extreme sarcasm things haven't been wonderful but certain things have been much better than we could have imagined. For a start, my step-daughter was put on the plane by her mother and arrived. We have had quite a bit of fun but the poor girl had to spend several hours up at the hospital when my pain massively increased to the point where it was very visible throughout my body and all over my face.

Before starting on that however, since that day in hospital I have had massive problems with my mobility. My legs are becoming weaker and I have now had a fall due to the weakness. Since having the fall we have been extremely careful about what I am doing and attempting to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Thankfully we have my nanna's old wheelchair so I am able to use it when my legs are too weak and shaky for me to walk, even using the walker.

On the 26th I had a second hospital trip but parts of it went differently. To begin with the ambulance turned up with only the driver. My husband was waiting for the ambulance at the front of the property again and was very surprised when only one person turned up but was informed that two others would arrive shortly in a 4WD. He brought the first paramedic in to see me and went back out the front to meet the others when the paramedic received a phone call. Once more I was given medicine to make me feel comfortable - or at least reduce the pain level to something less - on the way to the hospital and my husband and step-daughter drove up afterwards with the wheelchair. Again we were there for quite a long time but, except for one nurse, they were really good. One of the nurses was extremely rude and came in asking "how old are you?" and allowed my step-daughter to stay when they realised she was a child because each patient is only allowed one visitor at a time. Leaving that aside they again gave me medicine to make me comfortable and allowed me to go home once my husband took me to the bathroom in my wheelchair.

One massive benefit that did happen that night was that one of the boom gates into the parking area was already broken and someone must have driven into the second sometime after we arrived at the hospital but before we left. My husband initially went in through the working boom gate and moved the car before the hour was up so we didn't have to pay the $5 daily parking fee and moved it again one hour later but then didn't move it again as he saw that both boom gates were broken so there was no further issue with parking. To be honest I was very thankful for him not having to leave because I felt extremely anxious and got close to having a panic attack. It probably didn't help that my step-daughter went with him and they took longer than usual because they had to find an open shop on Easter Saturday to get her some food, nor that they ate without me but I guess that is what you get. Please don't misunderstand me, I love them both - but obviously not in the same way.

Tomorrow my husband is taking his daughter over to an island near us, Magnetic island, for three days and two nights of quality dad-daughter time. I would be going with them as a family vacation except for the fact that I cannot walk without my wheelie walker and wheelchair and they would not be easy to take over on the ferry and it would cut down the amount of things that they could do, so I am staying behind, completely by myself, sort of. My parents are going to home for the next few nights and they have already been warned that they may get a text or phone call telling them to meet an ambulance and show the paramedics to get me to the front, to help the paramedics by wheeling me out to the ambulance and then to pick me up from the hospital, bringing with them the wheelchair and bringing it in to the emergency department to meet me. The good news for them would be that they would be able to park right out the front of the emergency department so not having to worry about pushing me for a distance, paying for parking and so on.

Now I can get down to recent days. When my step-daughter arrived here she had no idea about basic things such as rinsing dishes, cleaning up messes, putting away items after you have used them, putting rubbish into the bin or recyclable items into the recycling bin. Certain other things we are still working on like actually washing dishes, not using five spoons to eat one bowl of ice-cream, not eating ice-cream out of the bucket, cleaning up the bathroom after having a shower, but at least we have been making progress. She's learning a lot here because we don't just tell her to do something, but we explain why whatever it is should be done. As an example, rinsing dishes. My husband asked his daughter to rinse her dirty dishes and place them with the other dirty dishes ready to be washed up and then said that the reason he was asking her to do this was because if we don't rinse things then we get massive amounts of ants.

She has enjoyed her time here from what I can tell. Today (29/03/2016 - I have taken an extremely long time to write all this) she got to spend some quality time with her cousins which they all really enjoyed. It isn't like she gets to see my side of the family very often, or for that matter her dads side of the family but mine has three kids, one several years older and the other two a year younger. I should point out at this point that the older one is a boy and the other two are girls. Obviously that isn't including the step-kids of my brother giving another two boys. Together the three girls are almost inseparable and I am extremely glad that we had the opportunity for them all to catch up. Hopefully my step-daughter will have enjoyed catching up with her cousins and want to see them more frequently.

Now I can actually get to the part about my mental state. I couldn't write anything about this earlier because my step-daughter was sitting right next to me and I already had to attempt to explain what I was doing and what this forum was without actually saying anything that she couldn't understand. My mood is absolutely crap or extremely low if you would prefer and I have been having the urge to SI and commit suicide strongly for at least the last three weeks. Knowing that I will be home alone for two nights gives me both some solitude but also a chance to put into place the suicide plans that I have organised. To be perfectly honest I don't know which side in the life and death struggle will win right at this moment. It would be so easy to just give in and end it all making sure that my husband would not be the one to find me.

I do believe that my husband would be better off without me, especially since I started needing a wheelie walker and wheelchair. For goodness sake, he is 35 with a 34 year old wife who requires massive amounts of assistance to do simple tasks of daily living. What can I offer or give him that could even attempt to cover everything that he has done and shouldn't have to do. My love for him is extremely strong and I don't want to hurt him in any way but I still cannot help feeling that he would be much better off without me. But at this point I guess we just wait and see.

Why is it that I cannot go a day without hating myself, wanting to SI, wanting to commit suicide.

[Kahlia1981]

My husband and his daughter left around lunchtime today in order to drive to and catch the ferry over to the island. Since they have been gone my head has gone absolutely nuts and I just keep thinking about harming myself and all the plans I have to kill myself or self harm. It's almost like all I want to do is remove myself from this world because I know they'll be better off but at the same time I don't want to hurt them, the people in my life don't need to have me die right now so it's almost like I am stuck in my little bubble of plans. One thing that I do have as protection against me doing anything like that is my DID side. Right now I think I should probably switch out of this world for a little while to keep me alive. *sigh*