I have no plans on making it to 18.
I never have done.
I got my childhood taken away from me.
But I refuse to be an adult.
I am not ready.
And I never will be.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I look up to you, now you're in hospital. I hurt like hell, I fall easier than you think, or know or actually give a damn. Please be OK, you mean so much to so many - you underestimate your power and impact on others and I wish more than anything I could make you understand this without you distrusting me and others.
I dont feel right :S
And now my anxiety is kicking in because of it. Need a distraction but my stomachs hurting and my heads spinning too much to play halo right now.
Hoping to play it all evening, seems like its the only thing that makes me forget about the real world.
I cna't help but feel like i'm being se t up. like, that youtwo wil be leaving in august. and that will be the end of it. that you will forget about me. take my money. and have someone else move in with you. or wont let me in. ican't help it. it's jsut teh way i am.
i'm worried that my head traumas are goingt o have a permentent effect on my...and that this pain/confusions iwll bee here for a very very long time.
I miss you, Sarah-Mae.
And I promise you, when I have a baby, you will not be forgotten.
I'll make sure my son or daughter knows all about their big sister, who would have been so protective and proud of them.
I miss you, angel.
Hope they're looking after you well in heaven ;)
I'm listening to the song again.
tell me it will be okay. MAKE ME BELIEVE IT. i know you're struggleing and don't know what to do, but NIETHER DO I. you're the adult here, i've been having to play that role all through my childhood and i just need someone to take over for a bit. take control, help me out.
So I never thought this would be that effective, but every time I go to cut, I stare at my wrist and realize it would ruin my tattoo. Interesting deterrent.
It's happening again, I can feel it.
I'm getting 'detached'
and soon enough I'll be so 'detached' from myself, from the world, that I just won't care anymore and I'll rot a little more.
& I feel sad but it's all my own doing
& I want to cut, to punish myself for upseting you,telling you I didn't want to be your friend even though you've not really done anything wrong. I want to hurt because I want to feel alive again, I want my brain to work, to think, I want to feel.
But I can't..at the end of the day I have to stay in one piece
because a dress is on it's way to me with you and I need to wear it.
& I've spent so much effort bio-oiling scars in the places that are easier to hide because summer is coming and everyone knows I cut my arms, thats ok for old scars there, but I'm not having them anywhere else (like the rest of my freaking body) backwards much?!
Rah!
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
things in life get away from me, things about simple day to day tasks, i get carried away so easily i need to stop this i need ti put my feet down i need to start seeing the ones who really care, the ones who were there for me the one who cares but instead i choose to get intemingled in my own selfish ways well from now on it stops im staying put
I hate myself for saying this but I don't want you to come home tonight. Because if you don't come home I can do what I want to myself and you'll never know.
I dont know where my brother is... but I hope he doesnt come home anytime soon
I promised I would call someone if tonight got bad... its already started but I dont feel able to tell anyone at all - I'm scared
I got two invitations to go out tonight but I turned them both down... I dont deserve to be safe tonight
home alone and I am shaking - I really dont know how to fight this anymore... I dont know what to do!!
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
stop texting me, just stop. i hate you. i cant believe i went to see you. and then you told me to go home. you knew i would come eventually. i hate you. i hate you so much for that. you've ruined me and i hate you. but please forgive me, you cant be mad at me. you cant.
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i hate that ive lost you. i dont know how to make things better, i dont know how to get you to talk to me. i feel like i cant function right anymore. i really need you now but i wont let myself have that. i need help. i need you. but im too fucked up to think straight. i cant believe i let this happen again. not with you.
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i cant keep doing this to myself. reading up about it, sitting, doing nothing all day, thinking of ways, wanting to do it so badly. i cant keep doing this. i cant. i dont want this. i just want to feel happy again. fuck
It is pretty much guaranteed that I will never speak to you again, so..
I haven't forgotten that once upon a time you were my biggest support and my helping hand, that you listened and didn't judge, and you were there whenever I needed you. But unfortunately, I also haven't forgotten that you went behind my back, and made them think that about me, things which weren't true. I haven't forgotten that you hurt me, and left me alone. I'll never forget the day I told you, but I wish I hadn't now. I hate the way you know so much about me, yet I dispise you and you dispise me, and that stuff is with you forever: I don't want it to be. I guess I'm sorry, not for what you did, because it's hardly forgivable, but I'm sorry for needing you so much and relying on you. It's taught me never to trust really, it's been impossible ever since.
Besides all that, I'm glad that I'm going it alone now. I don't have to worry about attempting to explain things, and I don't have to trust people and I don't have to be hurt and let down. It's the only option I have left.
So all in all, thank you for making me realise how stupid I am, and how letting people in is a bad idea. Goodbye.
