oh i just wanted to say, ive now used dark faerys handy tip about using head and shoulders on blood stains and it worked pretty well, so thanks faery x
Daniella, how much of it have you done?
Rowie, I don't think anyone is treatment resistant, unless they are unwilling to get better. No amount of therapy can help someone if they don't want to get better. But you do want to be better, so maybe it's just going to take time. Why is it that you refuse to move forward?
Thinking about what life would be like if we didn't have BPD can bring hope in some ways. We want to be free of this, but at the same time, this is something that has been a part of us for a long time. In a sense, if something goes wrong then we have a reason - it's the BPD. Although amazing, the thought of moving on, away from the illness can sometimes be terrifying. What if we fail? What if we can't cope with it? Being like this is frightening, but having a life with nothing to hold you back can also be frightening. It can make people worry about the future. We've all been ill for so long, that we don't even know the person that we once were. With BPD we have a struggle with our identity, so I think this massively impacts on our recovery - who will we be if we are not the person with BPD?
Anyways, that's just a thought. When I was getting over my disability (which I still have but doesn't affect me the same anymore) it was scary. Going into that unknown world where everything was my responsibility. I had to try and do things, try new things, allow myself to fail. Not having something to blame for things going wrong is scary - it means it's all down to us. Oh and then I got BPD so that journey was for nothing.
What I really wanted to say is that I need to escape. My mind is continuously thinking through my options of what I could do. It's not like I don't want to take my exams - I do, I want to show that I know stuff and achieve. However, I just don't feel like I can! A massive part of me wants to just say no, I'm not doing it I can't cope. But ifI said that then I would still have to go back next year and start again. Or maybe just take the exams in september or something. But that means dragging it out even longer. I don't get why I'm so weak that I can't even ort myhead out enough to revise. It's so frustrating. I can't concentrate long enough to take it all in. IfI could do something to make it so that I didn't have to take them then I would. I mean there are loads of things I could do. But it won't make the problem go away. The exams would still be there, and I would still have to do them. Either that or not get a degree at all. I guess a rubbish degree is better than no degree. But I don't want to fail. I don't want to come out of this with a 3rd or a 2:2, but I know there is no chance of me getting higher... If only there was a way of getting these out of my life
Ugh sorry about that. Just don't know what to do with myself.
*Huggles* claire, please don't do anything bad to yourself
x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
I need to go shopping and buy things which cover the mess that are my arms as I'm seeing family this weekend and they need to be kept under wraps. But as it's so late we can't go where I'd hoped, so. :(
Whatever Happened to our Inner Glow?
<3 Sarah, My brilliant, beautiful, RAWR little sis
hi faery, im sorry i skim read your post i cant seem to concentrate atm but ok ill admit to this, i only got a 2:2, it was so fecking close to a 2:1 i was annoyed BUT it works ok, try not to stress too much lovely x
Slept in this morning, didnt make my appt for blood and was running late to see my sw, text her saying i would be 5 mins and then she turned up and said our appt is tomoz at 12.30, she deffo said today ugh.
Had a mcdonalds there but ever since I did, I have overwhelming pain in my stomach.
CPN at 4, really need to have a bath.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I've done 280 words and it's not nearly enough.
Oh well if it's short it's short, as long as i get something in a don't care.
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Cpn just phoned, to meet her slightly earlier so that at least its not gonnae be a shorter appointment anymore
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
No worries claire, it was a load b*****ks anyways. Not particularly to anyone or about anything lol. Yeh thanks, I mean I would probably be ok with a 2:2 but (I've probably said this loads lol, so sorry if it's getting repetitive) cos I wanna do my clinical doctorate, if I don't get a high 2:1 then I have to do a phd first :( that means another 3 years. More money, and then would still need to get 2 years experience, so wouldn't end up qualifying for at least another 9 years! ugh thats long.
On the plus side though, when I'm qualified I will come and make you ALLLLL better and everyone happy! :D
Come one daniella, you can do it! *big motivational hugs* Just one more hour and you won't have to think about it anymore. Good luck :D
Have fun shopping Ev. Good luck in your appointment Hollz.
x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
*hugs* Hellz. Well done for staying and joining in! How are you feeling today? Can't you just show them the homepage of ryl that says about it being pro-recovery etc. Or get them to look it up, and then they can see the nice supportive messages x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
Oh *hugs* rowie. You are worth so much more than this. Though I know how you feel. It is scary, but if you can do it a tiny little bit at a time, then you don't even realise your already in the scary unknown and by that time you're happy and more confident and don't see it as scary. I went on a 3 week residential programme for adolescents when I was 17 for my joint condition - it was a pain management course. I was really scared of getting better in a way, but then suddenly one day (it took a long time) I realised that everything was ok, and it had been for a while and I was in that scary unknown and doing fine.
What you said about it being punisment seems to have hit the nail on the head there. I know you haven't actually asked my advice, so sorry if I'm out of line here, but jist wanted to say that it seems like the first thing you need to do if you want to get better is to feel like you deserve it. Raise your self-esteem a little and make yourself realise that you are worth it. Because you are worth it. You really are, and you don't deserve punishment at all. Have you ever read 'feel the fear and do it anyway'? I read like half of it, but then it had to be returned lol. But it seemed like it was making a lot of sense. And just wondering if it might help you a bit. Though dunno if you're into all the self-help stuff.
Maybe just start telling yourself everyday that you are worth it and you deserve to get better. You might not belive it at first, but eventually if you tell yourself something enough then you start to believe it - afterall you got yourself to believe that you deserve punishment, so you can get yourself to believe that instead of punishment you deserve good things.
Err yeh anyways, sorry if I was out of line saying that
x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
no youre not out of line at all hun and thank you for such a lovely reply...
i deleted that post and i dont even know why...im just a little all over the place today.
I thought i woke up feeling ok but maybe im not and i think me talking about it all just
reinforces my belief on how hard it will be for me to get better.
Thanks, hope you all enjoy the afternoon, back laters x
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
It will be hard, but I'm positive that you can do it. We all can.
I'm ok thanx. Still don't know how I'm gonna do these exams, but feeling a bit better about it now. Anyways just can't wait for it to be over. This thread makes me realise even more how much I want to be a psychologist. I really want to help people. And I think having experienced some of it will be beneficial to me. Though I hope potential employers don't find out about all this cos they might not hire me :( it's making me a little worried about getting proper help.
I know they say that it shouldn't matter, but I really want to know why I have bpd. I wanna know what happened to make me develop it. There has to be something. Something I don't remember. I'm thinking of having hypnotherapy to help uncover repressed memories.
What's dbt like? Do you find it at all helpful?
x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
im just a ****ing foul little ****...
nothing anyone can do for me
its behavioural
its me and my personallity
im at fault
i failed in my development
and now i have to wait to see if i get rejected by the link worker and then the cmht can reject me just to reinforce how noone can help me
i want to hurt myself. rip my skin apart.....sorry too much detail..well it will be edited if need be sorry...im just crap...i just want to hurt myself so very very much i want to feel pain and reach inside and take out the evil
im a little **** bag a ****up, a nothing amongst humans..i dont deserve a life thats why ive been dealt this one...well i cant live with this life
im flawed...
Im not going to see anyone anymore..no doctor, no therapist, no link worker and **** the cmht. nothing or noone helps so what is the point in seeing anyone. i may as well go it on my own **** the lot of them
Rowie my love, Im sorry i've just woken up my mind is fuzzy but im so sorry, this is what they were telling me in oxford, bastards. i need to get my meds baby but ill be back in a few mins please take care xxx
*hugs* Hellz. Well done for staying and joining in! How are you feeling today? Can't you just show them the homepage of ryl that says about it being pro-recovery etc. Or get them to look it up, and then they can see the nice supportive messages x
Thanks hun. Talking about nice supportive messages, does anyone else find it really hard to accept them? like today my therapist was saying all sorts of nice things to me and i hated it cos i feel like i dont deserve it.
im feeling pretty darn good today i must admit. i've been to all of my groups and even had breakfast and lunch. hopefully i'll be off obs soon doing my nut in having to be watched all the time.
