Life, please... no more - Page 60

Kahlia1981 · 20-03-2014, 11:18 AM

Laura: Thanks hun. I know that my husband loves me, especially with the way he responds to my alters and myself when we're really not doing so well. He even allowed me to sleep almost all day today because I'm having so much trouble with my mood. Not every husband is willing to stand by their wife when the only thing she can think of is suicide, so I count myself very lucky.

My mood has continued to drop and I've now reached the point where suicide seems like the only positive option. This isn't altogether unexpected as it can take a week or more for the ECT to take its full effect, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant. I don't even know whether I want to find a way out of this now or just give in and let it all end....

crazykat · 20-03-2014, 12:31 PM

Are you able to let someone know how bad things are for you right now? Hold on there hun, you will get through this

Kahlia1981 · 21-03-2014, 06:30 AM

Kat: My husband and pdoc know how things are at present and we are considering a short readmission if there hasn't been some relief by the end of next week. Right here and now that doesn't really help... The only real relief I get is when one of my alters come out and give me a break. Mind you my alters are also not feeling so crash hot either.

I just want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. To be perfectly honest I think it would be better for everyone if I went to sleep and never woke up. It's becoming a massive struggle just to keep from harming myself in any way. I've got to be honest and say that the weather currently isn't helping. All the rain just makes me want to kill myself even more.

Maybe I should just tuck myself into my bed and cry until I die...

crazykat · 21-03-2014, 01:13 PM

I am glad that they are aware and that there is a plan in place if things continue to deteriorate for you.

Kahlia1981 · 29-03-2014, 08:46 AM

Every day my suicide plans become more detailed and my self harm urges more extreme. In some ways I just want to disappear - to just die. My ana behaviours are starting to come back due to my complete self hatred. There is pretty much nothing about myself or my life that I like. Right now I can't help feeling that my husband would be better off (and happier) if he was with someone else. I can't see a point to living.... the world would be a better place if I just killed myself and got it over and done with.

Laura2.0 · 29-03-2014, 08:14 PM

ahm... nope. World wouldn't be a better place without you! Who would reply to my DID thread then? that was you! And anyway... I'd miss you, even though I don't really know you that much. But just knowing that there's someone else on here who is 'more' is helping me so much.

Is it possible that you get in contact with some of your alters so you can take a break from things. I know that they aren't feeling well themselves but are they feeling as suicidal as you? And even if they do, they it would be fair to take turns with being on the outside.

crazykat · 03-04-2014, 10:21 PM

No he would not be better off without you hun. People care about you.

Kahlia1981 · 07-04-2014, 08:35 AM

I'm still hanging on but still feeling no better. My husband told me today that I really only had two choices: to go back to Brisbane for a week or to have the ECT here.... Neither is going to happen. Even though this may appear to damage my chances at having my operation done, there isn't time or trust.

Mind you, my appointment with the surgeon last Tuesday went well. He asked why I was there, I told him he was operating on my shoulder, he then played with it for quite some time which hurt like hell. The longest part of the whole procedure was when he sent us to find the appropriate brace. Apparently he wasn't aware that the orthotics and prosthetics department had moved from the allied health section of the hospital to a site on the other side of town. We managed to get an appointment with someone closer to home, but we're now waiting for them to ring and say they have the brace so I can "get used to it".

*sigh* I'm over this life.... Please let it end now.

Kahlia1981 · 10-04-2014, 11:57 AM

I've started pushing myself as hard as I can to lose weight. I'm exercising as much as I can get away with - doing 135 minutes per day of Zumba and trying to keep walking, doing tae bo, step aerobics and anything else I can possibly do. Right now I'm trying to complete even a day's water fast, but my husband has become clued in and is trying to force me to eat at least once a day. Having lost almost 5 kilograms when I weighed in on Tuesday I want to keep it going... Become thin once again, before that f**king doctor ruined my life by putting me on risperdal.

I'm still suicidal, and we had an emergency appointment with my pdoc on Tuesday. I felt really bad about that because it was my husband's birthday and I was forcing him to accompany me to a place where neither of us wanted to go. He should have been able to do anything he wanted on that day, but I wasn't safe enough to drive to the hospital and there was no way I was safe enough to walk to the bus stop and catching the bus. Given there is a street I would have had to cross no-one would trust me to do this "appropriately". My husband, our house mate and my family all knew I would rather have walked right in front of whatever vehicle I could - especially if one was a truck.

We decided that the only option we have right now is to sedate me whenever possible or required. My pdoc prescribed me some xanax, at the rate of one three times per day - giving me enough (with a repeat) to get through the operation. Our biggest issue was making me appear okay at the pre-admission clinic but no real work could be done on my mental stability until the surgery is completed. Now we are all hoping and praying that everything goes well - that I don't get my surgery pushed back, or just get bounced.

Mind you, as of today we have noticed three of the possible signs of pregnancy. This could be both a saviour and a destroyer. I'm not sure they will go through with the surgery if I'm pregnant..... That's something that I will have to bring up - if it is actually true and real - when I attend the pre-admission clinic. Considering we've been working for both of these goals for so long now it would be almost unbelievable that they could happen at the same time. I guess we just wait and see - on both counts.... Meh.

Laura2.0 · 10-04-2014, 03:59 PM

oh wow. That's a lot of things going on for you right now.
But I'm glad you made it to the pdoc and the shoulder surgeon and things are moving forward - even if it might seem slow to you.

crazykat · 10-04-2014, 09:40 PM

Thinking of you xx

Kahlia1981 · 13-04-2014, 12:24 PM

Well cyclone Ita has made her lovely way down the coast of north eastern Australia giving us at least 10 hours without power - with no warning. I was awake until 3 am this morning but only a few hours later the power was down. It kind of ruined our plans for the day. We were supposed to look after my nanna so my parents could both go to choir and the meeting that followed. Given all the rain, wind gushes and power outages driving the half hour to my parents place wasn't really an option. Especially when you consider two of the roads were flooded, one bridge was under water and the traffic lights along the way were not working. Mind you, the insane, stupid drivers racing through the flood waters causing accidents and water through people's houses. Why do people completely lose their heads when cyclones appear?

I guess that's something I'll never understand....

crazykat · 15-04-2014, 07:47 PM

Wow sounds full on, I hope things are a bit more settled now

Kahlia1981 · 16-04-2014, 04:32 AM

Kat: Thanks hun.

Well we're back to normality - depending on how you define normality. My shoulder brace for after the operation was fitted yesterday and I have an appointment with the surgeon next Tuesday to ensure it was what he was asking for. My arm, when the brace is on, is not sitting in the position he was describing but I guess we just wait and see. It isn't too difficult to get the brace on - in fact I can do it myself - but it definitely is going to take some getting used to. The surgeon wants me to get used to wearing it, and we left it on me for several hours yesterday in order to see how much of an effect it is going to have. In the current position I can still sit in the front (passenger) seat of the car, whereas the direction the surgeon was suggesting would have required me to be in the back passenger seat. I have had to change my normal position on the couch because, as I will be using my left hand/arm to hold drinks and the like, any cups would otherwise have had to have been placed on the floor right in the centre of the couch. That might not seem like a problem, but placing glass on the floor in the middle of the couch increases the likelihood that it is going to get kicked over as we forget that it is there. Sitting on the other side of the couch means that my arm is sitting between us but allows us to place drinks in a spot where they are less likely to get kicked over. The only problem is that it is easier to forget that the glass is there..... Not good when you have a cup of coffee or tea....

This coming weekend is going to be stressful in a lot of respects. I realise that my family thinks we have the easy shift as we will be looking after nanna overnight, but nanna requires completely around the clock care. If she is having trouble in the middle of the night and needs help one of us has to be awake and ready to deal with whatever situation we may face. Not to mention that my brother, who really has the easiest shift (after lunch until dinner) is notoriously unreliable so we may (or most likely will) receive calls asking us to arrive even earlier in the evening and to make nanna's dinner and do her post dinner meds. He does have a lot going on, especially with his getting married again in two months, work (either ICU or cardiac) and being in the army reserves, but he has known about this for quite some time now. It's not like the requirements for family to step in over Easter has only just been announced. For that I guess we wait and see. He may yet surprise us...

Really not looking forward to losing the use of my dominant arm. But I guess that is the price I pay for hopefully having my shoulder fixed this time. *sigh*

crazykat · 19-04-2014, 11:11 AM

I hope it goes okay with your nanna and all goes okay with the brace

Kahlia1981 · 24-04-2014, 12:58 PM

Although it is good to be on the other side of the Easter weekend, getting to this point very nearly killed me.

Thursday night we began sleeping at my parents place to assist with looking after my nanna as my parents were leaving in the early hours of the morning to head to the eisteddfod in Mackay. Friday morning went fairly well, with me waking to a phone call from my sister when she came to relieve us from duty (so to speak). Nanna seemed to cope okay throughout Friday but there was some difficulty getting her to take her medications and to get into bed. On Saturday my nanna was definitely not having a good day, with both intense pain as her pain patches were wearing off and the constant feeling of disorder and confusion. It was obvious that she was struggling with not knowing where she was or who anyone around her is/was, but it really came to a head on Sunday.

My husband got repeatedly stung by some insect (possibly a wasp) while cleaning my parents garden on Saturday and had a massive reaction which is still settling down. On Sunday he was basically unwell all day and spent the day in my parents bed - meaning we didn't go home at all. Thankfully we didn't leave and have to come back as neither of us would have done all that well, but I quite honestly know if he hadn't been there that night I would not be here now...

Nanna seemed a bit better in the morning but it became obvious that she was not coping well with the circumstances. Firstly, when my sister woke nanna for lunch nanna was extremely unhappy about being woken from what was obviously a nice, deep sleep. Her mood at that point was a little grumpy but otherwise okay. Whilst my brother was there nanna came out of the bathroom looking for grandpa. David told her that grandpa had passed on and she confronted him stating that this was not a funny joke. As it became obvious that my nanna was not coping my brother grabbed the book full of photos (and descriptions) my mother had made up.

Because I was there to see and hear all this I was expecting a less than pleasant experience, but not as bad as it was. Nanna refused to take her dinner medications and I let her sleep in the chair until 23:00 (11 pm) when I woke her with the intent of getting her into bed. Instead I copped several mouthfuls of abuse ranging from me always giving her medications that she did not want to take or even know what they were for, to waking her up from a lovely sleep when she never got a decent sleep at the house. She also refused any assistance even though it was obvious it was required. To cut a long story short I cracked under the verbally aggressive abuse and walked out of the room with tears falling down my cheeks.

It took a lot of time for me to settle down and the patience of my husband. He helped me to exit the house for a little bit and to return to the bedroom without nanna seeing me (or vice versa). While there we both tried to calm me down and got in touch with my mother. As nanna had refused my assistance with getting dressed after using the bathroom she was sitting in her seat on the couch with her incontinence pants down around her knees and her outer pants halfway up, and we were all very lucky she did no more than wee where she was sitting. After conversing with my parents we decided to leave nanna where she was and to just stay up all night until my sister arrived in the morning.

Believe me when I say I was very glad to be heading home..... Especially as I know how close I was to overdosing on a tricyclic antidepressant which is one of my nannas medications. Quite literally, I would be dead now if my husband was not there.... I'm still not sure if that was a good thing or not, but I guess we will see.

crazykat · 25-04-2014, 01:38 AM

Wow sounds like a full on weekend. I am glad your husband was there to help keep you safe

Laura2.0 · 26-04-2014, 09:13 PM

I'm glad you are at home now and that things are returning to something more normal.

Kahlia1981 · 28-04-2014, 10:26 AM

We spent ages at the hospital today. The letter they sent said that my appointment was at 11:40 and I should allow two hours, but in reality I had to sit around waiting until after 13:00 in order to see both the anaesthetic doctor and a RMO to re-sign the consent form as it was "out of date". For some reason they decided that they needed to do an ECG because I'm on quetiapine, despite the fact that the seroquel causes no problems to my heart - or for that matter anything else.

The rules of what I can and can't have prior to having the operation is nice and loose with the only medication they have asked me to attempt to avoid taking is my naproxen (anti inflammatory). Everything else I am able to have as long as it is taken with as little fluid as possible more than two hours prior to the starting of the list. So, as long as we don't have anything after 06:30 it should all be fine. Mind you I have to be at the hospital by about 06:00..... Yay.

Definitely surprised by the hygiene requirements - a shower the night before where I must wash my hair, and than another shower in the morning using nothing but soap and not being allowed to put on any deodorant, creams etc. Kind of makes you wonder what they think I'm hiding on my body, but at least it is easy enough to organise and work out. Considering they are most likely going to be paint me up with betadeine prior to the surgery it's going to be interesting.

Thankfully everything has gone alright so far - but there is still plenty of time for them to bounce me off the list. Let us hope that doesn't happen or my husband is likely to attempt to kill any one of the doctors or nurses. He'll do the same if they tell me on the day that they can't operate because I haven't met their expectations.... Meh.

Laura2.0 · 28-04-2014, 07:19 PM

Wow, that sounds interesting. But it sounds stressful and I hope things are working out as planned.
I know I would lose it if they would reschedule me and I had already done everything to prepare.