Life, please... no more - Page 6

Kahlia1981 · 05-02-2009, 10:54 AM

My mood has definitely tanked. In some ways I would much rather just sit in the darkness in my room and attempt to cry myself to sleep. Or to cut or .... something else. I don't want to do that to my housemates though. Mind you, I'm getting to the point where I don't think I'm going to have much choice in the matter.

I got pulled over by a cop tonight ... I have a crack in the windscreen of my car which I have been trying to get fixed for a few weeks and haven't been able to, partly due to funds and partly due to the availability of people to do the job. He also chided me for not wearing a seatbelt properly. I usually drive with the seatbelt under my arm instead of over my shoulder, for the simple reason that if I drive (or sit in the car) with the seatbelt over my shoulder I begin to choke. To the extent that I start having to fight for breath.

That was the final straw for the mood, even though he let me off with a caution/warning. Now I just want to start hurting myself. I really don't want to wake up tomorrow morning. I'm going to have to spend all my money on paying for a new windscreen ... and then my female parental unit is going to crack the shits because I won't have a few spare hundred dollars to pay her.

I just want to cry.

wildly insane · 05-02-2009, 11:02 AM

*hugs Kahlia* you always have a choice hun, hope tomorrow is better

Kahlia1981 · 05-02-2009, 11:11 AM

Logically I know that you are right Hannah ... right now I'm just having the Everest of a struggle to believe it, and to convince myself to hold on.

I would dearly love to just give in. It would be so much easier. Even my brain feels like it's fading. I don't want to hurt anyone, not even myself realistically, I just want all the pain and all the **** to stop.

I shouldn't be wasting anyone's time and space by posting this. My problems are so tiny compared to everyone else's. I mean, I have a roof over my head, access to clean water and food, electricity and internet access ... All my issues relate to how hopeless, pathetic and useless I am. So sorry.

ravynsoul · 05-02-2009, 01:03 PM

*hugs* Kahlia, please don't feel that you are wasting people's time and space. Your problems are just as valid as everyone else's. You are struggling too; it's good to be able to talk about it and receive support.

BTW you are NOT pathetic, useless... and I DO think you have hope; you are definitely NOT hopeless.

It's hard when it feels like the hurting won't stop or end.. but it will; I know that's easy to say.. but a month ago I was deep in the pit and looking at ending it all.. but now that I am thinking clearer again I can see that it's possible to get through the darkness. I don't mean to blab on about myself in here; I just want you to know it's possible to make it through.

I am thinking about you lots; please take care.

*hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 06-02-2009, 09:38 AM

I now have an exemption from wearing a seatbelt whilst driving. *unenthusiastic woot* I saw my GP today for the first time in ages - since the middle of last year if not longer. She told me she could see that my shoulders hadn't been done yet. And stated that from her recollection there was no-one in the public system who was able to do them, as Dr Bedside-Manner-of-a-toad (except that's insulting toads) wasn't there anymore. I may have to ask my sister-in-law ... She works in ENT clinic which is in the same general area as orthopaedic surgeons.

My exemption is based on a few facts:

When I drive I have to have the seat back a long way as I have long legs
Due to point 1, the seatbelt sits on me both tighter (partly as I am a large girl) and higher up on my neck
If anything makes contact with my neck I feel uncomfortable and keep trying to push it away ... to keep some air between my neck and the item
When you transfer point 3 to the seatbelt, the added pressure makes me feel like I am choking
If I was to have a car accident where I got thrown forward by the force of impact, the seatbelt would get tighter on the neck and would result in my either not living through the accident, or becoming a quadriplegic

I only told her about points 1 - 4. She told me straight out that if those were the case then point 5 would apply.

I don't know why, but I seriously feel like ****. It could just be the resurgence of the monsoonal rain. Meh. I shouldn't be complaining ... at least I'm alive. Even if I really don't want to be. Meh.

Kahlia1981 · 06-02-2009, 11:31 PM

Lano & Woodley's - The Island Theme
(Frank is playing a ukelele and Col is playing the drums on a suitcase)

The topic at hand is this tropical land
And the wonderful things that we're seein'
The feelin' we get from the hill n' sunset
Is so good for our well-bein'
There's palm tree blue skies, I can't see no flies
The feeling is truly sublime
This breezy lifestyle makes it easy to smile
Oh what a glorious time

Dee dee deedlee deedeedee deedee
Deedlee dee
Dee dee dee dee dee dee
We're donna f*****' die, yeah!

(Col) There's no water or food! (Frank) What a poor attitude!
(Col) Frank, you need me to be more specific?
We're in the s***! (Frank) Well, Col, you've gotta admit
That the views here are simply terrific.
Col, don't get down about food, let's run around in the nude!
It's just us blokes, yay!
(Col) We want people around, 'cause then we'll be found!
You see what I have to work with here folks? HEY?!

Dee dee deedlee deedeedee deedee
Deedlee dee
Dee dee dee dee dee dee
We're donna f*****' die, yeah!

(Frank) Ladies and gentlemen, ukelele solo!
(Frank holds up the ukelele and both he and Col point at it)

Dee dee deedlee deedeedee deedee
Deedlee dee
Dee dee dee dee dee dee
We're just gonna f*****', just gonna f*****' die
We're gonna f*****' diiiiiiiiiiiie!
(Frank does a ukelele solo)

wildly insane · 08-02-2009, 12:05 AM

I will just send you an endless stream of hugs, how about it? I know how much easier it is to give in, especially right now as I seem to be giving in a lot more than I should be because I just can't be bothered to fight so much at the moment, however, that's by the by, and I know you can't see past the darkness at the moment, but who knows what the future might hold, who knows where you could go, what you could do, what's just around the corner, even if you can't see it. There is an end to the darkness, now is not the time for the end of everything, you just have to keep going.

Kahlia1981 · 08-02-2009, 10:03 AM

I actually felt okay at one point last night. Now I just want to cry. I think it might be because I am on my own. Both of my housemates have gone out and I've been on my own for about 3 hours. You wouldn't think that the tiny time I have been on my own would be enough to make my mood drop, but it seems to have. Or maybe I was just acting when people were around.

In an attempt to distract myself I've been watching Lano & Woodley's Goodbye tour but it isn't getting through the barrier. Logically I know that the action is amusing but I'm just unable to allow it to affect me properly. I loved the comedy of Lano & Woodley ... Normally it gets through the barrier and I can at least smile ... but not tonight.

I want to curl up and cry.

Maybe I should. I'm not coping very well right at the moment. Everything just seems to be getting on top of me. I don't want to be here anymore, I don't even see a point to remaining alive. I know that I need to keep fighting but as far as I can see I'm just losing ground.

I want all the ***** to stop. Everything just hurts so much.

Kahlia1981 · 08-02-2009, 12:50 PM

What's that saying ... When you're going through hell, keep going ?? I'm trying to but I can feel how close I am to giving in. I ran my fingernails along my skin while I was in the shower tonight, almost wishing I had a blade with me. I'm only approximately 13 days away from reaching 6 whole months SI/SH free ... but I feel like I'm not ever going to get there. I can feel the control that I have slipping away from me.

My head and the darkness are just so strong that I feel it is inevitable that I will give in ... like it is obvious to anyone that I will give in before the end of this post ... all I am doing is delaying it. I can't find another way out right now. I need someone to sit with me, to cuddle me and to tell me that there is a rainbow out there, even though I can't see it right now. And when I say that, I mean that I need someone to do that in real life ... but there isn't anyone. That is partly my fault ... I hide how I am really feeling from those around me in real life because I don't want to worry or upset them.

Right now I am terrified that I am going to give in ... and that I won't be able to stop. That one cut will lead to 100, and then to a suicide attempt. I can feel myself sitting on the edge of a precipice ... and I know what happens if I fall over the edge ... I don't want to go there, but I don't know which little snowball that is coming my way will cause a full-on avalanche, and end with me dropping over the precipice. And the little snowballs are coming from everywhere ... some of them from things people I am close to in real life say to me ... even though I don't think they mean it to happen.

I still can't help feeling that a lot of people would be better off if I wasn't here.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

wildly insane · 09-02-2009, 12:51 AM

I know it's hard hun, but nearly 6 months takes so much strength and character that I know you can carry on fighting, that somewhere inside you, you wouldn't want to commit suicide, because that's why you're still fighting. If I could be there to cuddle you I would and I'd tell you that I don't care if you worry me I'd rather be able to help than for you to keep it to yourself, but I know how hard it is to tell people you care about, so all I can off is a big hug accross the ether and say that there is a rainbow, and the sun will shine and hell can go shove itself up it's own arse.

Kahlia1981 · 09-02-2009, 10:15 AM

Hannah & anyone who has read any of this thread : Thank you. It means a lot to me that someone cares, whether they are able to write a message or not. It means a lot also, that this evil-brain time is being heard by someone ...

I had a bad night last night. I woke up at approximately 2am in the grips of a panic relating to an extremely lucid dream - the dream that I have had several times - to find that I had once again cut in my sleep. My chest/stomach (I don't know how to classify the area involved) is now covered in stripes...

I guess I should be happy that these nocturnal happenings have occurred only (in this most recent episode) in areas where they will not come to light in normal circumstances ... But I am not. Why ?? ...

When I got myself in control this morning I had the incredible urge to finish the job that I had obviously started in my sleep last night and attack my wrists. That urge has been with me all day ... and is building in intensity as time is going on.

Also I keep bursting into tears. I don't know why either. Thankfully it has only been happening when no-one is around but I can feel the tears brimming all the time.

What is worrying me at the present time however, especially as I realise that this is quite probably not the lowest point that I will reach, is that I am going to bring my two housemates down with me. I seriously don't want to do that ... but right now it feels inevitable.

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it ... Me and one of my housemates are having issues with Centrelink (Social Security). Centrelink believes that my and this housemate must be in a "marriage-like" relationship and are not wanting to believe any evidence to the contrary. I had to speak to one of the employees from Centrelink on the phone today to have an "interview" to prove that the state of affairs as we see it (ie no relationship exists) was an accurate representation of things ... as they see it.

Gah.

Okay ... I'm just going to curl up on the floor and attempt to cry myself to sleep now ...

wildly insane · 10-02-2009, 01:32 AM

*hugs* good luck with centrelink, sorry don't have any words right now, I just wanted to let you know I'm still here for you.

ravynsoul · 10-02-2009, 01:48 AM

Kahlia, I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs. It's hard to keep fighting, but you can do it.. I believe in you. You've fought this long, you can keep on keeping on. Don't have any great words; but please know i've been thinking of you lots.

Kahlia1981 · 10-02-2009, 03:27 AM

Thanks for the hugs and the thoughts all.

At the moment I can't even talk about what is going on or where I am because I simply don't know. I just want to curl up and cry.

Kahlia1981 · 10-02-2009, 02:01 PM

OMFG. I have gone from severely depressed to completely and totally out of my mind happy/hyper. I'm at the stage of laughing at random things that nobody else can see the joke in. Like I read the title of a song ... and the song is quite funny ... but I p!ss myself laughing at just reading the title. I think I would probably drive my housemates absolutely insane if they had to stay with me all night tonight ... let us just hope that I don't take it into my head to jump off the roof.

Let us also hope and pray that the come-down from this is not as bad as I think it is going to be ...

In the meantime ... P-A-R-T-Y !!!!

Kahlia1981 · 11-02-2009, 01:12 PM

I came down last night ... well early this morning. About 4:30 this morning. And even though I was on my own, it was not pretty.

Today hasn't been fun. I didn't want to leave my room this morning, but had to go to Sing For Life. I acted my way through it and went out for a binge afterwards with a housemate. This afternoon I went for coffee with my other housemate ... and broke open the lid of my coffee cup and was getting set to hurt myself with it. My housemate took the cup and the bit of broken lid off me so that I wouldn't hurt myself.

Now ...

I have a feeling that won't make any sense to anyone I guess. I have a feeling that he knows where I am and is coming for me. Several times today I have had the feeling that he was right behind me. I've even gotten to the point tonight where I felt his breath on the back of my neck. I can't talk about any of the other circumstances at the moment, but I'm terrified that ... I don't know.

I'm sitting in the lounge room because when I'm in my room I start getting the urge to make use of the knives in my room. But I have to face it shortly.

I hope that I make it through the night.

wildly insane · 12-02-2009, 12:03 AM

*hugs Kahlia* I hope you make it through the night safely hun, sounds absolutely terrible. Are your housemates in? *big hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 12-02-2009, 12:20 AM

I got through the night. ... I still am not sure this in itself was a good idea, but meh.

The sun has come out today, and the humidity is through the roof. One of my housemates and I were sitting outside watching steam come off the wooden fence as the water that was in it from the rain both yesterday and overnight was being vaporised. For the first couple of seconds when we both saw it, we thought that the neighbours must have been having a "cookout" and burning the fence - it seriously looked like smoke. f-r-e-a-k-y

I have to go out to uni in a little while to see the Disability Resource Officer. I don't really know why ... As a matter of fact, I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing in going back to uni. It just seems kind of ... I don't know ... I have almost finished reading the textbook for one of my subjects, and I have found several errors in it. One of them was in relation to the title ... but leaving that [major] point aside ...

*sigh*

Maybe it's just the point that I'm at moodwise that is making me question my decisions regarding my furthered education ... I seriously hope that it is the case and that when my mood decides WTF it is doing I start to get some idea what the heck I am doing, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

I just don't know.

ravynsoul · 12-02-2009, 12:56 AM

*sending lots of hugs* i hope things get straightened out mood-wise for you.

don't give up on school yet; if I remember correctly, you were incredibly excited when you found out you got in to school. Maybe look back at your posts about that and see what it was about school that you were looking forward to.

thinking of you.

Kahlia1981 · 12-02-2009, 04:29 AM

The meeting with the DRO went okay. She said after talking to me for a bit that she was a little concerned. She's hoping that I'm just having difficulty adjusting to the meds, and that a week or so will see me being generally okay. We had a chat about several different things. Some of the stuff I told her, I probably shouldn't have as she started biting her lip. She also told me at one point that continuing down a particular track (of conversation) was probably not a good idea because she was becoming concerned.

I made the decision to go and make an appointment with a counsellor/psychologist out at the uni, so I did that today as well. I go and see her tomorrow morning. I used to see one person out there, and she and I got on really well. She was, up until this week, the Director of Counselling etc but has resigned and is going back to England as there is a problem in her family. I had been hoping to be able to see her again, but knew that there was little chance. Last year I think I saw her once and even that was difficult as she was then the Manager of Counselling etc.

I just *really* hope that this goes well. I feel semi-okay about it as it was my decision (completely and totally). But ... I still feel an incredible load of trepidation surrounding it.

*crosses fingers*