*hugs Jess* hey, those two things are pretty important, to be sure.
I don't WANT... To have to deal with all this any more. Last meds appointment earlier this after noon. About one of the first little discussions we had went like this:
Dr: 'You're still drinking..?'
Me: 'Yes...'
Dr.: 'Will you stop?'
Me: 'No...'
Dr.: 'Have you tried AA?'
Uh, hello?! I SO do not meet the criteria for alcoholism as set down in the DSM. His response was to tell me (after he told me I wasn't going to like hearing it) the part of the criteria that says it has to significantly, negatively, impact part of your life and then went on to tell me parts of life it could affect... Physically is evidentally my problem because it inhibits the neurotransmitters that we're playing with with the meds. Hello?! By that definition EVERY that drinks could be considered an alcoholic as alcohol works on EVERYONES neurotransmitters! It's a depressant, I know that.
And then there was him telling me that I shouldn't be drinking because of the meds I'm on... Already knew that thanks.
And then there was the 'what to do next' conversation where he asked me if I had talked to community mental health (clinic in the area). Um, no, looking into getting basic health and then finding someone to prescribe my meds. Oh, well you should probably talk to them anyway... Drs are hard to find here, at least those accepting new patients... And if I can't find one he will see me again in the fall even though I'm technically not eligable to go there(you are allowed to continue to go there for one term after you graduate and this summer was that term for me)... I know that's probably supposed to be a good thing, like 'oh, how nice, he cares'... And it is nice, I guess... But I don't want to do it any more, I don't want to talk about being ****ed up any more... As for a new doc... I don't want that either, just someone new, someone who will look through my file and learn just how messed up I really am...
And my last session was this morning and tbh I'm a bit sad about it...
I don't know what I feel about any of it... I kind of do... I know that I don't want to do it any more...
*sigh* damn
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
*sits in her corner of the psych ward, holding her head in her hands in frustration at herself*
Goodness, I am SUCH an idiot!!! I replay things in my head, dwell on stuff that was said that I TOTALLY didn't like, that made me feel stupid or flawed or something along those lines. Tonight it's one of the things the doc at the uni health center said yesterday (and suprisingly enough it's not the AA comment though now that I think about that *scoff* stupid man)... And it's compleately unreasonable that I'm so worked up about this. During the course of the appointment a few things were discussed including what I was going to do now health care wise. He asked if I had talked to community mental health and as I attempted to stutter out that I was looking into basic health and then I would see where I could go from there, all without telling him I've got a caseworker, he attempted to explain his questions by saying "Because eventually we've got to transfer your care". No big deal, right? Um, my CARE?! I feel so stupid when I say this but, my 'care'?! Good lord, makes me sound like a mental patient..! Which, I mean, I know I am but that doesn't mean I need to feel like it, for crying out loud! My 'care'... Because at almost 25 I am unable to care for myself!
Ok, I know I'm overreacting and just being stupid . Were someone else to come and tell me they felt stupid and what not because of such a comment I'd tell them they're not stupid, it's not suprising, etc, etc.
But I can't help it... It's how I feel
I'm so rediculous, it shouldn't bother me especially since I know the truth: I AM a mental patient and I CAN'T take care of myself as evidenced by my dependence on my meds and therapy to keep me from offing myself...because I know, from evidence gleened when my meds got screwed up and I wound up taking less of one, that stopping them is not an option for me
I HATE that there's something wrong with me! I hate that I hate it and can't be accepting, tolerant, supportive and understanding with myself as I am with others! It's not a scarlet letter, a mental illness (though some believe it to be), it's an ILLNESS and does NOT signal the presence of a character flaw or any other deficiency...
But I can't help it... I still feel that way
SO stupid...
Sorry for the rant, waste of your time...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
You're not a 'mental' patient. you're unwell but it's not forever. YOu know you will get past this! you will! *cuddles you tightly* I'm sorry i have nothing to say that will make this okay. I just want you to know that I did read it and i'm thinking of you. *hugs you tightly*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
i read it too.
yes, it is an illness, and everybody who is ill requires care, regardless of their age. you wouldn't tell a 25 yr old cancer patient she needs to look after herself!
having an illness doesn't stop people loving you.
i know it's hard. i know you don't want to be like this anymore. neither do i. none of us do.
*hugs*
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
So, did y'all know that just because you ask for your chart (therapy) doesn't necessarily mean you'll get it? Got an email from my therapist yesterday that (among other things) said he had looked over my chart and would sign off on giving it to me. Uh, what? So I emailed him and asked about it and this is what I got:"they make me sign off on your chart so that I can feel important and powerful. Actually, apparently I can exercise some discretion and could have decided that it would not be in your best interests, "from a clinical perspective," to give you your chart. "
Um, hello, it's my chart! And I'm asking for my medical chart too so if and when I find a new doc (and maybe therapist) I can hand them the chart(s).For heaven sake
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*snuggles you close*
ive been through the whole requesting of charts. its a major pain in the ass.
and ive also been through the denial, thinking i was somehow inately flawed because i live off disability because for years i did work. it took me sometime to admit to myself and accept that i do have an illness and need help for it, just as if it were a medical illness.
be patient with yourself Ally.
be gentle with yourself.
you are an awesome person....i promise you that.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
My chart, aka file, where all the info the health and counselor wrote down regarding me. I'll share it when I've got time.
Love you guys
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
The gist of what was in my charts, as written to Jess in Facebook lol
Other than the fact that I am evidentally very hard to get information from (this from both the health and counseling sides, though it was put much nicer by my therapist)... Evidentally I've got 'borderline tendancies' (which I do, I meet three of five -needed, theres like eight or so- to meet the first criteria in the DSM-IV) and there was an awful lot of harping on my inability to access and talk about my emotions (which always makes me feel SO good about myself)... and I learned that even for some time after the county mental health professional was called to one of my sessions I was evidentally presenting with such serious safety concerns that I was just short of hospitalization... and while I myself came up with some good reasons why I should not have been told this information (could have caused even more distress, or caused me to clam up) my initial gut reaction was 'why didn;t he tell me? :'( '. Then theres the fact pertaining to how difficult it is to get anything out of me, he was seriously questioning whether or not we could make any further progress and should we continue but evidentally discontinuing wasn't really an option as I continued to 'present with some serious safety concerns' (I remember that time in therapy, it sucked, I had to explain a bunch of stuff, it was a mess and it hurt, to be honest).
Basically, I suck *shrug*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Lol yes Jess (hey that rymes) I know your thoughts on it *cuddles*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
you don't suck honey. most of us find it hard to talk about our emotions. and ive certainly had a lot of "safety issues" written by my psych in the past.
so how do you go about getting a new therapist?
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Ah yes, but surely there is a better way to put it... And after two appointments a person (NP) who's speciality is NOT mental health should NOT be labeling a person as one that has 'relationship trust issuea' just because that person isn't comfortable talking about a very uncomfortable topic with someone they've only met twice and would rather discuss it with someone who actually went to school specifically to study psych or SW (sorry I'm a bit of a snob as I studied psych myself in uni)! *scoff* 'relationship trust issues indeed
Mmm, sorry for the rant
As to how I go about getting a new therapist *tackles Chloe in a hug* I'm not sure. I'm waiting to hear from basic health (basically health insurance for poor people* and then I'm not even sure that will cover stuff like that. TBH I'd rather not continue therapy but as I am looking into applying for social work jobs myself (and hoping for the one that's in town which is legal advocate for domestic violence and sexual assault victims, rather than the ones in the best town) I'll probably need it if I'm planing on working with folks who have their own issues considering I've evidentally got more than my fair share of my own.
Hmm, another rant, oops
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
... 
