I hope you don't have to wait too much longer for the referral to go through. Sorry your feeling low, maybe you could do something nice for yourself even if it is to have that bit of chocolate. Hold on there hun xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
My head hurts!!!
I have the biggest headache and the pain killers haven't touched it. Might need to go take some more.
Had supervision with my boss today, I've told him that I'm going to have counselling and that I'm struggling to concentrate at work.
He was really good, didn't ask too much but wanted to know he would support me. Wanted to be sure there was nothing at work concerning me. He also told me that my work hasn't slipped and I'm still doing well which was good to hear as I was worried about things. Think it might show lnext week whenI have deadlines that I'm not sure I'll meet but we'll have to wait and see.
Anyway, just a general note.
Liz
Hi All,
Well the weekend was a bit of a hard one. Had a nice time on Saturday spending 5 hours on the allotment. Was lovely to be out in the open enjoying the sunshine.
Saturday evening I struggled like mad. My husband was out and I was home alone. I spend several hours just browsing the internet trying to distract myself.
I got the closest I have so far to cutting again, I went to the tool box and found the blades that I knew were in there. Didn't open them but just reassured myself they were there should they be needed.
I'm scared, I'm scared I'm going backwards. I feel I should really share this with my husband but I don't want to burden him anymore than I already have.
He's being so good and supporting me so well. I don't know what he could do to help anymore, he can't turn off the thoughts in my head. He can't take away the bad feeling inside.
I'm having a referral for counselling next week but 'm not sure how long the waiting list will be after that. I hope not too long as I'm not sure I can cope much more. I need to bring this to an end, I can't live with the black cloud over me forever.
Ready to cryat work. Achieved nothing really today, have loads to do but no interest in any of it.
Deadlines at the end of the week which I don't expect to achieve.
I want to harm but I can't. I'd be letting everyone down if I did.
Sorry, bit of a rant. Need support. Ready to break down and give up.
Even though I'm at work I think I might go into chat and see who's around.
Liz
I am glad to hear that your boss is being so supportive of you and it is good to hear that your work hasn't slipped. I think it is more probably to do with your self-doubt than your actual ability, try and remember you have the ability there. You did amazing not cutting despite the urges being so strong. I hope the counselling doesn't take too long to go through for you. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Hi,
Thanks for your message. I read it a few days ago but haven't had the time to respond.
I'm one step forward, the CBT sessions for Stress & Anxiety will start on 27th June.
They have also said I can have counselling, not sure how long it will take to get that in place but at least things are moving forward.
Nearly cried in front of my boss today, he was very good, asked if I wanted to take 5 minutes. I coped and carried on with my supervision session. He's agreed to my getting the help I need and is very supportive.
I feel a little more confident today, although I haven't really been very productive in how much work I've got done. At least I haven't been totally away with the faries like I was yesterday.
God bless all.
Liz
I'm ready to cry today, I'm worn out and I've had enough.
I think the long day working yesterday has got to me, 9 - 9 is not a good idea. I think next time I'll come in late whe I have the evening meeting to attend.
Wish I could curl up and rest for the remainder of the day. I have 2 things I must get done by the end of the week and others that are also outstanding.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going without time off work, thank goodness for holiday next week.
Liz
Hi,
I've been in and out of RYL all day long. I'm on the edge and struggling to concentrate. I'm on the edge of crying or bursting out in anger. How I've managed to control it all day I'm not sure. I haven't really achieved anything. made a couple of phone calls and answered a few emails but nothing of great value. Good job I'm not measured on how much work I do each day because I think productivity today would be about 1%.
Don't really want to go home, I'm frightened to. My husband is supposed to be cooking a lovely meal for me and I'm not feeling like it. I feel like just staying out and not going home, maybe turning up in time to go to bed. I know he will worry about me if I don't go home but if I do I'll just end up in tears and spoil the whole evening he probably has planned.
Either way I'll spoil the evening won't I. At least if I don't go home he can enjoy his meal and not have a sulking miserable me looking back at him.
I want to harm but I know I shouldn't, have managed 3 months now, working hard to keep it that way but I'm finding it more difficult each day.
Can't wait for the counselling to start, not sure when but it should be soon.
Thinking of going sick from work so that I don't have to feel guilty about not doing work but there is no point in that because the work will still be here when I get back. No one covers for my absence, no one else has the same responsibilities. At least if I'm here I can do a few things even if it's not everything that's required of me.
I'm off now to hide in a corner, come and find me if you need me, I'll be under the blanket in the dark where it's safe.
Liz
Well, I fell apart yesterday.
Cut for the first time in over a year.
I hate myself so much, I just want to curl up and die.
Counselling started last week and maybe it's because I have my next session this afternoon that I feel apart yesterday.
Had a few days off work the other week. Helped me caml down a little but not much. Couldn't take away whatever the pressure is as I don't really know what it is. It makes no sense to me at all. Hiding under the blanket in the dark seems like the best idea at the moment.
Instead I'm wearing a mask that says "I'm fine", "Don't worry about me, I'll just keep going". The cracks are starting to appear but I'm filling them in as quick as I can so that I don't break up cmopletely.
I'm supposed to be working on my dissertation for Uni but haven't made much progress. Concentrating on study after a day at work seems impossible. I don't have enough time to do everything.
Part of me things I should give up trying and admit defeat but I can't let myself do that because that would be failure. I can't fail.
Although I already have because I cut yesterday and I was doing so well not harming.
I don't really know the point of this post, just a ramble of thoughts really. An opportunity to vent and let off steam. I'm not angry though, I'm just defeated. I can't fight anymore. I give up.
Although I won't give up completely, if I did I'd be sectioned or dead. I don't want either of those outcomes so I will continue to keep n going for the time being.
Liz
Just over a week later. I've managed to do some work on the dissertation. Done some reading and put together a plan for the literature review, which my supervisor has been really helpful with and has looked over for me.
Need to try and start actually writing now, I enjoy the reading but putting it alltogether looks like the next milestone, if I can make a tart on this I might get somewhere.
Cousnelling was better this week, last week was a waste of time. Spent the whole session talking about the dissertation and came out feeling frustrated, so wanted to cut last Tuesday.
This week was better and more productive, although I'm not sure how I'm going to put into practice what we have said, I still can't see myself doing any of the things we looked at.
Still thinking about cutting a lot of the time and haven't got rid of the tool yet. My husband doesn't event know I have it. Feel like I'm decieving him but I can't let go at the moment.
Anyway, just a quick update in case anyone is actully reading this or is at all interested.
God bless everyone.
Liz
Wow, it's been a while since I wrote on my thread.
An update:
I gave up the dissertation, not forever just for now. It was too much stressand I couldn't cope with it so I withdrew from the course and will go back toit when I'm ready.
I'm still in the same job as I was in July, role has continued to change.Less of the Human Resources which is what interests me and more officemaintenance and admin. Although there isn't a lot of work to do so quite oftenI'm bored at work, which isn't a good idea for me.
Husband has pursued a career as a learning support assistant and is 3 weeksinto a new job in this field. He's very happy and so am I as he's far nicer tobe around now that he's doing a job he enjoys.
I'm nearly 8 months SH free, although it's been a hard struggle. I've beengoing to cousnelling for the whole of that time and I'm sure that's the onlyreason I've stayed safe so far. Although there have been close moments where Inearly lost it.
Why am I here today? Because it's a bad day. I'm bored at work. I'm thinkingof SH and I don't know how to cope.
My head feel like a fog and I don't know a way out. I'm struggling to staysafe and would love to curl up and hide. I can't because I'm at work andeveryone expects me to be here, even if I'm not actually doing anything.
I want to screm & shout. I want to curl up & cry.
I don't know what to do with myself or how I'm going to cope.
I know I will because I always do, but I don't know where I get the strengthto resist the temptations and keep myself free from anymore scars.
I wish I had the means to harm but I'm glad I don't.
I feel such a mess today.
8 months is fantastic, I can remember how hard it was to make it that long. It's definately something to be proud of. I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. Is there anyone you can talk to, your hubby or your Dr for example? Sometimes you have to go against what everyone expects of you and put your health first. Please know that we are all here for you if you want to talk.
Hi Laura,
Thanks for your reply. I did speak with my husband and sent an SOS message to a couple of good friends who were able to encourage and support me.
Putting myself first is not something I'm used to doing. I'm learning the importance of it slowly.
Had a lovely addition to the family last week, a little dog called Scooby, he's 9 and from a rescue centre. He's great to have around as he's affectionate and understanding without asking questions. I'd forgotten how valuable that is to me, to have a dog to tell all my troubles to and share my worries with.
Anyway, things are looking better at the moment, I just pray they last and see me through.
God bless all.
Liz
Hi Liz. It sounds like things had been going better recently. What do you think's caused the bad day/s? I'm glad you were able to talk to people. Putting yourself first is always good, even if it's something you're not used to.
Aww! Puppies are always adorable (and Scooby is a great name!). I'm glad he helps; sometimes pets are more helpful than any medication.
I hope things keep up. :)
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Hi,
I have no idea what caused the bad day.
Thought about it at the time and since and can't see anything in particular that would have triggered me to feel so bad.
Scooby is great, although my husband seems to have got to raw deal as he's doing most of the walking and I'm getting the cuddles.
Bored at work today which isn't much fun, been playing stupid computer games to kill time.
Hope everyone else is well.
Liz
Hi,
Been a few months since I was last here.
Work hasn't improved much during that time, I still have very little to do and what I do have is uninteresting and won't really take much effort when I do get the inspiration to look at it.
One major change and this is I'm pregnant and expecting my first child in December. I'm really pleased but also scared and unsure about it.
I'm having a really bad day today, I still go to Counselling and I've spent the last 2 days since my last session mulling things over in my mind.
I don't know how much to push myself as I'm frightened but I know that if I don't look into the past I'm just going to end up in the same mess I used to be ni when I was cutting daily.
I feel such a mess at the moment. I'm close to crying, which I can't really do as I'm sat at my desk in work. I'll be going hom to an empty house, apart from the dog. It will remain empty for the rest of the evening as my husband is doing a sleep in shift at work and won't be back until tomorrow morning.
I want to curl up and hide from the world.
Liz
Fridays must be my weakest day. Feeling rubbish again.
Not much to do at work still. Stuff is happening and it will increase in the near future. At least that's what they are telling me.
It's nearly a year since I last cut. Don't want to let myself down now but feel close to tears. Wish I could just curl up and cry. Crying is good for you, apparently. Allows you to relase all that pent up emotions, rather than cutting.
Wish I could be a child again, repeat my childhood and correct all the crap that went on back then. Make myself feel loved and cared for.
Think I need to find time to spend time with the little me that's inside. Like I discussed with my Counsellor. Go onthe swings or do some painting, mybe hand painting, that sound like messy fun!!
Sigh, I'll have to wait til tomorrow though.
Until then I'll struggle on.
Liz
I hope that they do keep to their promise and that things do increase for you like you want at work. Crying can actually be quite healing and a good way to get a release so if you need to have a good cry then go for it. Keep fighting, you will get through this. Congrats on your pregnancy too :)
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I made it to a year!!!
Now 1 year & 13 days.
Feel like I should be proud of myself and all I can think of is how did I do it and how do I keep on going? Struggling daily at present.
Have tried to connect with the little me and do some children's activities but I'm so tired and down at the moment I can't shake off the feeling of just wanting to give in.
I would love to curl up and hide from the world for a bit.
Only thing that keeps me coming to work is that I have to cover for members of the team I manage. If it weren't for that I think I'd have given up and beensigned off for stress weeks ago.
Liz
Well done that is an awesome achievement, perhaps you could do something nice to reward yourself to recognise that you have made it a year. I can hear how much of a struggle it still is for you though. Have you talked to your counsellor about how much of a struggle is and have they suggested any strategies you can try to help? Keep fighting, it will be worth it
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
