Why don't professionals understand how soul destroying being this weight is?! There was so much I wanted to say but I feel like as long as I'm doing everything I should be doing it's not hard? Also what the **** is falling apart meant to look like surely it's it unique to all of us? I'm fat ok I know people don't have point this out. I'm not blind I know how I look. I'm meant to taint and pollute my body with food to please my mum so I'm ok ? I'm not starving I don't do three meals but I eat so I'm fine. I want to physically tear myself apart. How do I make them listen ? :(
Sorry it's escalating in my head. I don't know how to get out. I don't have the strength to do it again. I screw everything up I can't deal with the fat I'm freak I don't if I can trust people. I'm trying to eat but it costs so much emotionally but I do it as I don't want upset people. I've got violent images in my head I need to hurt myself it won't stop. Sorry to waste people's time :(
It sounds like you're going through a really, really tough time at the moment. Remember that hurting yourself won't change that, you don't deserve to do that to yourself.
You are 100% not fat or a freak, you're just struggling a lot. Well done for trying to eat; you really, really do need to do it, and you can do this. It is ok to eat, nothing bad will happen if you do it, I absolutely guarantee that.
*hugs* I hear how high the cost is- I feel it too <3
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
*hugs* your therapist isn't going through what you are and change isn't the same for everyone- it's totally ok to be where you are. You're trying so hard and doing so well!!
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Just fat dirty violated. Trying to do this for my mum but the fat and shame is tearing me apart. Therapy involved an in depth conversation about animal assisted therapy no space for feelings I think she felt guilty as she tried to make out it's good focus on that stuff I agree but not at the expense of support even though I feel I don't deserve it. I cried so much I can't even really express this here. Sorry I don't deserve to post x
Jess, I know I've mentioned it before, but sometime we can feel something, and it doesn't make that thing true - feelings are not facts, and I really think that whatever weight you were, and however much weight you lost right now, you would feel just as anxious about it all in this moment. I'm a little confused as to what happened in therapy, do you think you could explain again?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Sorry Sophia my weight has gone up but it doesn't correlate with my intake and I'm terrified I feel such a fat freak. Sorry yes I'm confused too. The session was about the future even though I feel I haven't processed the past yet. I'm interested in working in animal assisted therapy and so is she that was what the entire session was about. Literally all we discussed. It was really interesting but left me feeling unheard as I've been struggling with a lot but didn't feel I could say it. I just feel so low and hopeless. Sorry I'm such a fat waste of space.
I'm sorry I can't take the disgust. I feel I'm drowning in it. My mood is sliding and I'm scared I will be swallowed by the fat and thoughts and images in my head. I'm ashamed that I'm trying to eat to keep mum happy. I feel worthless. I don't know what to do my eating disorders nurse and trauma therapist are both away next week. I'm ashamed that I feel in a mess and I'm scared I won't manage. Sorry this makes no sense x
Last edited by Uglyducklin : 01-08-2014 at 12:53 PM.
*hugs* Jessie, can you do something to help ground yourself?
I understand- the feelings of "fat" come when everything feels so overwhelming can you be honest with your therapist next session and tell her that you're still struggling to process what happened?
Hope you can battle through next week- here if you need
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Jess, do you think you could write down what you're feeling and what you want to say? Perhaps you could say it here?
I hope this doesn't come across insensitive - sometimes here, I notice that a lot of the time you write things like "I am/feel fat" and yet you often don't talk about the underlying things, and I wonder if perhaps that would be helpful. Ultimately, we can tell you you aren't fat, a million times, but I don't expect you'll believe us, but we can help you explore what's going on and how you're feeling and things.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thanks Sophia I suppose failure I feel like such a fat failure. I'm scared that I'm stuck at this weight. I'm scared Im not coping with the feelings around the abuse and the shame around my body takes my breath away. Everything is so fast I don't have time to catch up I'm meant to be over the abuse and able to eat and cope and I wanted to learn to manage my illness not leave it behind. I'm so fat and dirty don't know why my weight has increased and I can't manage the violent thoughts towards myself and ashamed to admit how low I feel and how hard this is. Sorry I'm waffling. :(
It sounds like the feelings about your abuse are being transferred onto your body, and that sounds very distressing. But you have absolutely no need whatsoever to feel shame about your body, you have done nothing wrong. It's just a judgemental though, it's not an objective fact.
You say you 'meant to be over the abuse and able to eat and cope', but that sounds like you're being very harsh on yourself. It's something that will take a long time to overcome, and you need support to help you learn to cope with those things.
Aw thank you Liv. I'm still not able to feel ok about recovery behaviours the guilt is too much and being fatter feels like I'm a failure. I don't know if it's the trauma therapy it's very structured and fast no real time to build rapport or process feelings. I feel so guilty and disgusting and dirty and fat. I don't know even though parts of today were fun now I ache physically I feel so low. I'm sorry to post again. I hope you are doing ok. X
