I think telling her sooner than later will be better so I hope you're able to and it helps.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thanks Katie!
Thanks Carmen! Sometimes I just worry a lot :p
I just had my review of my performance on placement and it went okay. Nothing remarkable.
In an hour I'm going to see the coordinator to tell her how much I am struggling. I don't know what level to go in to. The overdose seems too much but I'm craving compassion maybe I can hint at it.
Otherwise I'll also mention the deliberating anxiety and depression that makes getting out of bed hard.
I told her how severe my anxiety and depression are. I told her about the overdose. She was very good about it. She said she had no idea any of this was going on. When I told her the overdose was on the weekend she said "why are you here?" And told me if I ever wasn't feeling up to going to placement I could just call in sick and she wouldn't think badly of me. That was helpful.
I told her I was home alone and she was concerned. She also got another staff member to come and chat to me about what the school can do to help and told her about taking the pills. She said in her calm, quiet voice "I'm sorry to hear that" and it was lovely of her. They both offered that I can talk to them if I need.
The biggest problem with uni is my research so the goal is to speak with my research supervisor on Tuesday and tell him everything that has happened and try to make the project more feasible.
I still have thoughts about going through it with more pills again. It's getting stronger. My friend was concerned and now that they've told me I can have time off I wondered about a brief hospital admission but I don't know what good that would ultimately do. My friend suggested it would keep me safe.
I'm thinking about suicide more and I'm not sure if it's because I know what I took was risky and I could plan it better and do it again or because people are listening. But I'm kindof scared about the thoughts but also not scared and wanting to go through with it. I feel like I was close. I want to get closer. I don't care about anything any more.
I'm okay. I'm just not sure why I'm still set on ending my life but I am.
Sorry I didn't mean for that to sound like a suicide threat. I'm not seeing my psychiatrist till Monday and I'm alone all weekend. Maybe it's for the best and I should stop posting.
Thanks Ames. I don't know. I think the trauma and notion that I am going through all this suicide mess A-GAIN is it. It seems like every year.
Someone just posted on fb about losing someone to suicide and I wondered if that would be be but I have to detach myself from that. I saw her parents and thought can I do that to my own parents?
I won't reply here I'll text you but in the morning (your morning) because I Want you to try get some sleep and if I text you'll stay up, but I know you'll occasionally check here throughout.
I have read this and you know ( I know you know :p) I have things to say so I am seeing this and I am aware of how you're feeling and we'll talk through some more, I know you're exhausted and I know things are so hard but you'll get through this because that's what WE do, we get through these patches.
Don't reply to this here just be aware I'm reading this and I'm purposely waiting until you've had some sleep to text back.
I'm okay. I'm just not sure why I'm still set on ending my life but I am.
Sorry I didn't mean for that to sound like a suicide threat. I'm not seeing my psychiatrist till Monday and I'm alone all weekend. Maybe it's for the best and I should stop posting.
Thanks Ames. I don't know. I think the trauma and notion that I am going through all this suicide mess A-GAIN is it. It seems like every year.
Someone just posted on fb about losing someone to suicide and I wondered if that would be be but I have to detach myself from that. I saw her parents and thought can I do that to my own parents?
Don't stop posting, I wish there was something I could say to ease the pain you are in. The line about going through it again every year resonates with me. I think that is one of the hardest parts of my mood issues try to hold on to the fact that although you may be low and suicidal now and you have been before the other times you did get through and you can get through it again. I believe in you.
Thank you Sarah you've got a very good point about it changing over time. It's nice to know someone believes in me.
Thanks Carmen. I haven't asked anyone to stay over at my place this weekend yet. I might do.
Thanks dixxy. You're right, WE can get through this.
I guess I may as well be honest. I'm still feeling very suicidal and I'm making plans, but it's making me anxious today. I'm trying to put it off for a specific date and to wait after seeing my psychiatrist but if I tell her about the plans she will maybe put me in hospital. I'm scared if I'll post about it here people will be angry at me. So, sorry. I just feel like this is ending soon.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low and distressed right now.
I'm glad you feel able to be honest with us. When are you next seeing your Psychiatrist? If it's not for a while, do you think it might help to try to get an emergency appointment with her?
I don't think people here will be angry at you - we all care about you and people are bound to be worried but if it helps to talk about these feelings/emotions then we're here to listen to you.
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Thank you Sarah you've got a very good point about it changing over time. It's nice to know someone believes in me.
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Thanks dixxy. You're right, WE can get through this.
Try reading back over these posts - things can change and you're one of the strongest people I know. You can make it through this.
Do you think asking someone to stay with you when you're feeling unsafe would be helpful?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thank you. Sorry I left chat Carmen I fell asleep.
I'm seeing her on Monday so not long to go.
I feel like if I can plan to go to hospital to keep safe then I must not really want to die so I may as well stay at home and keep safe there.
I don't want people around here by house is a mess but I might ask if I can visit someone. I'm safe all weekend anyway the plans are not for here as I do want to see by psychiatrist Monday.
I'm glad you're seeing her on Monday, I hope you're able to stay safe through the weekend. Do you have people you could call if you need to over the weekend?
I think it's important to remember that just because you can plan on going to hospital to stay safe that doesn't mean keeping yourself safe will be easy. It's okay to ask for help in staying safe. Often there is some impulsiveness in hurting ourselves/going ahead with plans and being in hospital takes that away.
I hope you're able to visit someone and it helps.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
My house is a mess. There are dishes piling up and things all over the table.
I'm properly depressed. How did I get properly depressed?
Why isn't my medication working any more?
Can medication just stop working or am I just lazy?
Am I just enjoying not functioning any more?
I have to go to uni tomorrow and enter data or I am in a lot of trouble. All I could manage today was going to the shops in my pajamas with mascara all over my eyes.
I need people to stop texting and checking up on me because they'll feel guilty.
Sometimes medication does stop working- I'm not really sure why. Maybe when you see your psychiatrist you can mention it and maybe get it increased or switched. You're definitely not lazy, you've been working extremely hard for a long time now. Maybe the stress of everything has caught up on you and your brain has kind of shut down a bit to get some rest. I definitely think you're not 'enjoying not functioning', you seemed incredibly distressed recently.
Can you plan tomorrow into manageable steps? Maybe wash tonight before bed so you don't have to do it in the morning. Set your breakfast out before bed so it's ready in the morning bar anything that needs to be kept in the fridge. Then you can pretty much wake up, eat and be out of the door (or relax for a while before you need to leave) rather than worrying about getting everything together. Maybe set yourself a goal of doing an hour in the lab and then doing something nice for yourself, then trying another hour if you feel up to it. I think the trick is learning to gauge pushing yourself a little bit to do something, but not too much that it's going to make you ill.
And plan a reward for when you get home, like watching your favourite film or playing with Jazz. If you're upset about your weight then it might be good to find non food things as self care (I'm not suggesting anything about how much or how little you've been eating, only that I suspect if you eat comfort food to reward yourself you'll probably feel bad about it later).
It's not long until you see your psychiatrist, please be honest with her. I don't think she'll whisk you away to hospital, but she might suggest it. If she does please think seriously about it, even if you only go in for a day or two. It might give you the break you need and a chance to not have to struggle to keep yourself safe, which sounds like has been incredibly exhausting recently.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Thank you Sarah. As always Your advice has been very sound.
Thank you for the reassurance I really needed that. I certainly will mention to my psychiatrist she is pretty good with medication. And you're right I don't think she'll send me to hospital either I guess with my past I get a bit paranoid
I will try and set up those strategies for tomorrow. I'll put my bag and things near my bedroom door and a breakfast I can take with me so it will be hard to ignore that I have to go. .
Thanks for taking the time to reply, I very much appreciated it x
AThank you Carmen. I'll talk to my psychiatrist about it tomorrow.
Confession.. I have stopped taking my recent addition of anti-anxiety medication so that I would have more of them to overdose on in my eventual suicide. I'm scared to tell her this because she (understandably) might not even want to alter my medication since I'm clearly not treating it with respect. But in fairness obviously the medication wasn't working initially before as I overdosed while still on it. And I'm taking the rest of my medication as normal.
I don't know what to do if I should tell her.
I managed to put dishes in the dishwasher and that helped. I might put some music on this evening when I get some energy back and clean up some study I left on the table. That way I can start the week fresh.
I took today off to ho and have an adventure at a local australian-animal zoo. It was lovely. Driving there I felt like everything was going to be okay and I was certain I was going to live through this. I got photos with dingoes and patted them.
Then I was supposed to go to uni to do my work and I just crashed at home and slept. So I was going to go after but it was 6pm and by then I had a headache, and I just had a mini meltdown. I texted some friends and they said to take it easy on myself and stay home. So I have. But I feel pretty awful now with such a big comedown after a positive day.
Last edited by Snow White. : 27-04-2014 at 11:45 AM.
I hope you're able to be honest with your psychiatrist tomorrow about storing up the medication - I think the main thing is she'll appreciate you being honest with her.
Your trip out sounds lovely :) It was good you felt that way on the way there.
Sorry your comedown has been so bad. I hope you're taking care of yourself today and doing something relaxing.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
