I actually think that not capitalising the word 'FAT' is a good thing, if not for everybody else but for you. If you stop capitalising the word, it won't have as muhc power and you might feel less ashamed and there may be less of a focus upon it.
I know that you're trying and I am trying to help and sometimes it can be useful to hear the hard truths, even if we do not want to hear them. I can understand that you're afraid but I think you should read through your posts and see how you are thinking and consider that. You write that you 'love' anorexia (from previous posts, I'm sure), so I think that you need to really look into ways to move away from that.
Have you ever sought help from B-eat or other web-based ED groups?
I am fairly certain that you are definately not fat. I'm also fairly certain that deep down you know that you are not fat. I know that you *feel* fat sometimes, but that isn't the same as actually being it.
Can you accept that this feeling of fatness is a feeling caused by the anorexia distorting your thoughts and so probably not true.
You need food Jess, everyone in the world needs food.
Why do you think you don't want to fight this anorexia? Why are you so determined to let it kill you?
Jodie I have pmed you. Thanks Belle and Amy I really appreciate your support I feel awful about what has happened over on the first aid thread. I know deep down I do want to fight but I still don't feel able to cope without anorexia in my life at all. I don't know my sessions finish on Tuesday and then I'm in seeds clinic and will hopefully get a psychiatrists appointment to talk about moving forwards I just don't know how to get passed the shame. The fact that I've upset so many people here has are feel very all over the place I really never meant to hurt or upset anyone. I'm sorry I will try and respond better later but thanks again xx
You haven't upset people, Jenna was just giving you a reality check as to how your threads often end up becoming and what you are thinking from a more objective perspective. It's understandable that you don't feel able to cope without anorexia but you've got to be prepared to look into the reasons why and hopefully give yourself something to almost replace the anorexia. Refusing to release yourself out of the anorexic cycle will only make things worse.
I think you have become so fixated on the word 'fat' that it has begun to lose all meaning. I have counted it over 103 times in this thread, and yet there are so many more words that we could use to describe you, and fat isn't one of them.
I think also, people find the excessive use a little triggering, particularly when emphasised by capitals. Do you know why you capitalise fat Jess? I think it might be because you're using it less as the actual word, and more as a name for this feeling, this thing inside of you that is destroying you.
You have an awful lot of physical problems, and you have some trouble connecting these to your illness. Realistically, as Jodie says, you have been starving your body for such a long time now, it is not surprising that you are having physical symptoms, and you need to accept and acknowledge this.
Nobody can make you recover from anorexia if you don't want to, but it is killing you, and we can't stop that. I hope the SEEDS people are able to help you, but this has to be your choice. You speak a lot about being in love with anorexia, so to speak, and you sound like you are incredibly reluctant to give it up, but your body cannot take this strain indefinitely.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Hi Sophia thanks so much. My head is a mess I'm really anxious and spilled out all over the place I used the word fat when I shouldn't I'm really embarrassed. Everything is distorted and scary and feels too much I don't know what to think. I have my last outpatient session tomorrow and I feel vulnerable and ashamed and worthless. I hope your ok. I'm sorry I'm such a broken record xx
Everything is scary and disorted at the moment, but it will get better. Please be honest with the staff tomorrow and remember there is nothing to be ashamed of.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Babe you need to actually want to get better from this.
All that is happening is that you are letting your ED destroy you more and more each day.
Do you want to get better? Do you want to be happy?
Stop listening to your anorexia for a minute and think about yourself.
You are not your illness, you are much more.
All this is doing is making you ill and miserable, do you see that or not?
I know you cling on to it like it's everything to you, I've been there and done that, but you have to realise sooner or later that it's your enemy and not your friend.
You are not fat, that is your illness saying that, not you.
You are very far from fat, you are underweight and ill yet you'll see yourself as "fat and dirty" until you start trying to help yourself.
I know you're scared and I know you're confused, but where do you want to be in 10 years time? Do you want to be happy and healthy with an amazing life or do you want to be dead and gone?
I don't mean to be harsh but that's the reality.
Your eating disorder just wants to kill you and make you as miserable as it possibly can.
Think about yourself and the ED as 2 different things, you should be fighting it. You wouldn't let someone bully you for that long so why let an eating disorder?
I know I may sound hypocritical but I at least know that it's my enemy and it needs fighting and I do try, but I question as to whether you want happiness and if you want to try.
Please Jess. Take in this message and read it properly. Have a long hard think.
You do not want this as your life, you were meant for better things and you have SO much potential.
Your weight does not define you but your ED will kill you if you let it.
**** the hatred is so loud. I can't apologise enough I screwed up I shouldn't of had ALL that. I feel I can't trust my body. I can't stop crying. I need as much distance as possible between me and the calories in the drinks otherwise the nightmare will never end! I'm seeing a friend tomorrow then have pups on Monday and Wednesday. I want to run but I can't let them down otherwise they will hate me even more. I can't stand the fat. I don't understand what's happening. I feel so broken and I need to work but all I can think about is tearing the fat off I can't give the work my full attention and I feel I'm failing but I'm not even at uni. Everything is out of control ! What have I done?! Sorry I don't deserve to post x
Jess, I'm sorry things are so hard. You need calories to survive. You need calories to breath, to function, to walk and talk and live. You are not fat.
What's going on in regards to your SEEDS referral?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I don't deserve to breathe. I'm so fat. I know I need to break this cycle. I'm going to start again. It just feels so far away I'm fat c##t I know I need to get help but I can't this fat. It's slipping through my fingers. Thanks for your patience guys xx
Jess, if you don't get a hold on this, you'll lose your life. Is that what you want? If you don't break out of this viscious cycle and realise that you need calories to stay alive, you won't be alive much longer. You've posted in the First Aid Forum recently about a few ailments and that means that your body is beginning to become ill from the treatment you are giving it. The only way to feel better is to stop saying that you are fat and stop gripping tightly to the anorexia and stepping out of the cycle. You have so much support to do that. You have a psych and I heard something about a 'step up to ED treatment' a few threads back, your SEEDS nurse, your Mum, us... you have so much support to stop feeling like this so why aren't you using it? Don't say sorry for being pathetic because that's not what we want to hear. We need a proper reason why you're not taking the support being offered to you and "I don't deserve it" is not one of those reasons.
Jess, I've been watching your posts for a while and refrained from saying anything because I genuinley did not know what to say.
I think you really need to read all the advice you have been given by people recently. You have a lot of support to help you get over your ED, and you seem to refuse to be engaging with it. Do you know why that is? Are you scared of allowing people to help you? Or are you just ashamed of how bad the ED has become?
I know what I am saying is blunt, and I apologise, but if we all keep wrapping you up in cotton wool it isn't going to help you in the long term.
GET HELP NOW while you have it. You carry on as you are and you will die.
Do you really want that? Or do you want to go back to university? This eating disorder is ruining your life. Take control of it before it destroys you. You are strong, you can do it and you do deserve to recover.
Thanks all of you. Katy it doesn't sound harsh at all. I'm struggling with my self worth and feeling physically violated by calories and weight. I'm waiting on a separate therapy appointment to address my history which I'm hoping will help if paired with the eating disorders stuff. I know my head is messed up and I truly appreciate every one of you offering support. I'm fat and pathetic every time I try to articulate my feelings around my weight or food or shame I end up crying and not able to articulate what's happening. On Monday I'm going to ring up and ask about seeing the psychiatrist to discuss what's next. I'm going in to college on 6 th I hope it makes me realise what I'm missing x
Jess- just a quick query, you have been asked a lot of questions by Kate, Belle and myself and you seem to have ignored/not answered them. Can I ask if there is any reason for you not answering those questions?
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