Thank you for the update, Jenna :) don't forget to look after yourself too, beautiful. And you know where I am if you need anything! For ALL the love :D
Jodie, that must have been SO hard for you and it was very brave of you to manage to eat what you did and keep it. Here's some Nic love <3 I'm not wise today, so I will just leave that love for you, a little sprinkle for everyone else too and scarper off :)
Much love to you, darl. Please try and take care of yourself.
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
^I'd disagree with that. Jodie's eating disorder [yes love, you do have one] is one of the biggest concerns at the moment. The doctor is just a retard. In fact, ALL the retardation, ALL of the days :-/
Sorry I don't know the situation, I just thought based on my own experience that that could be the case in their eyes. Even at quite a low BMi this was the case for me: which is why I thought it could be relevant.
I know I don't know you that well Jodie but from we have spoken you are such a lovely and BEAUTIFUL girl! Don't ever let anyone tell you ANY different.
If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to drop me a PM.
I'm going to repeat what I said above Jodie. The doctor did not say you did not have an eating disorder, he did not change your diagnosis. Yea he didn't want to do tests but that means very little coming form a GP to be honest.
But yes you are still diagnosed as anorexic.
Also, just something to consider.....: I was officially diagnosed bulimic at 18, I was admitted to ip at 21. between 18-21 I was treat by the ed team twice and my GP saw me a few times.
From 18-21 I had my blood taken 3 times(yes they only checked my electolytes 3 times in 3years), I did not have one ECG before ip and I was weighed once by my GP and once by the ed service. I thought I wasn't that bad because they never really did any tests.
Then when they decided that I needed ip (they decided I needed it based on my state of mind not weight/test rests) they took my blood and realised that I was actually really unstable. I ended up having to go to a medical ward before ip.
Between 18-21 did hardly any tests on me but they still diagnosed me bulimic. Also just coz they didnt do tests it didn't mean I wasn't ill.
It is the same with you. Just because they do no tests/weights it don't mean your not anorexic or not unwell.
Well done this weekend. Let it be your fresh start :)
The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.
Call me Kate.
I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.
Slight breakdown. I gained a little weight this weekend. And now it's flashback/dissociation city and I have to do things to keep people safe and it's all weoithgiujfdknbjkdfncbj,gnv fucksake. This is why food is not okay.
I hope so.
Tonight is the sort of night I feel like I need to be in hospital for a short while to be safe, even though I'd never in a million years go.
Sorry your not feeling safe Hun I know what it's like. Just try and make it through the night so you can have a fun day tomorrow.
As bad as it may feel to put on weight you just have to keep reminding yourself that you NEED to and that food is not the enemy. Food is the fuel you need to live! I know it's hard but you just have to keep pushing and from Jenna has been posting you have been doing extremely well and everyone is proud of you for that. Maybe try and avoid the scales because I think they are just going to bring you down and you don't need that when your doing so well.
Love and hugs and all that stuff. Message anytime. <3 Clare
I have to keep watch of the scales. It's the only way.
Tonight I can't sleep because the number isn't safe and I have to stay awake and be vigilant to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone. I'm really scared. And I know I'm being a wimp but the tasks I have to do to make up for gaining frighten me... I don't want to. But if I can't keep people safe I have to.
Uni at 8:30. Six hours. I must stay awake. The day is better even though he can hide in the light.
I do'nt understand why people are proud at me for being greedy and overeating and gaining fat. I categorically can not gain weight because then people get hurt unless I do things to offset the gain. And the things I have to do are scary and bad. I knwo I only have to do them while I lose the weight again but it's still scary. And I know that makes me selfish because I don't matter and it's about keeping people safe. I'm just so tired of having to work out plansand things to do and what is right and what will make him happy and i just do'nt care anymore and would rather be dead.
My CC tellsme these thoughts are just in my head. If they're just in my head then let me die and they will cease to exist with me. THen people will be safe.
I hope so.
Tonight is the sort of night I feel like I need to be in hospital for a short while to be safe, even though I'd never in a million years go.
If you ever feel like that, please just text me and I'll come round, ok?
Your CC is right, to an extent. It's not as simple as *just* in your head, because that makes it out to be some little daydream, which it's not. But in the physical sense, he categorically does not exist. He's 100% real in your head and scary as fuck, but he cannot hurt anyone else. I wouldn't lie to you; you know that. That night of Fi's birthday, you were convinced he would hurt us, but he didn't, even though I refused to keep away from you. That night in your room, I can assure you he wasn't there. Men are large objects, and can't hide in little corners, or in shadows. I can't imagine how scary it is to hear that the thing you see isn't there, but accepting that is a lot less scary than the alternative of living in fear of him.
I've been around you and your flat an awful lot, but he's not hurt me. You'd think he would of done so by now if he had any serious desire to hurt people. But he can't. He's lying to you to scare you and manipulate you and make you more ill.
Please try to stop worrying about us. We're ok. We can look after ourselves and aren't in any danger (from him at least!). Look after yourself, because you're really scaring us. I'm so so worried for you. There's a reason that you're scared to do the things that you think will 'make up' for the weight gain. It's because your body is saying no. It doesn't want this abuse. It doesn't deserve this abuse.
Look after yourself for once, because you're so much more important than you realise.
We're safe already. You dying wouldn't change our level of safety, and would make so many people ridiculously sad.
Basically, Jenna has shared ALL the wisdom. There isn't much I can add on to that, but I do wish to just drop in to share some Nic love <3 *Drops all over floor* Please enjoy and share round :)
I am very worried about you Jodie, we all are. I really hope one day you can see how special and amazing you really are. Because you don't deserve to be hurt by anyone, including yourself.
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
If they are just in your head then therapy and stuff can help get them put of your head. Dying doesn't guarantee the thoughts will leave your head... Who says we don't take our thoughts with us.
I'm proud of you for eating because it is a good thing. You have eaten this weekend and no one has got hurt. This is proof that what you eat is not connected to what happens to others?
What I or anyone else eats/weighs is not connected to what happens to others? Why is it with you?
What do you think will happen? Also how does anyone know your weight? You could tell them your x weight and they would never know if you were actually Y weight. How could they know?
Try to challenge these thoughts Jodie. What would you say to me if said I said that I cant be a healthy weight because if would mean other get hurt? What advice would you give me? Xx
The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.
Call me Kate.
I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.
Jodie, sweetheart, please do text Jenna if you feel the need to go to the hospital. I can't verbalise much about what you've said recently, I'm sorry, but please please try and listen to us. We're not lying to you. Your doctor is a douche. Sending you ALL the love.
Also, Jenna, just wanted to say you're an awesome friend, I'm glad you and Jodie have each other. Please keep each other safe <3
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
Thank you for the update, Jenna :) don't forget to look after yourself too, beautiful. And you know where I am if you need anything! For ALL the love :D
I agree - you must.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Field Of Paper Flowers
I know I don't know you that well Jodie but from we have spoken you are such a lovely and BEAUTIFUL girl! Don't ever let anyone tell you ANY different.
Also, you're amazing at Draw Something. ;)
Thank you <3 You're a good artist!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ballerinabetty
I'm going to repeat what I said above Jodie. The doctor did not say you did not have an eating disorder, he did not change your diagnosis. Yea he didn't want to do tests but that means very little coming form a GP to be honest.
But yes you are still diagnosed as anorexic.
Thanks love. I appreciate your reassurance. I know I have an abnormal relationship with food and eating and weight. That's fair, and I can see that. I just also feel like there can't be much wrong with it... like, people who have EDs get referred and see ED services or go to therapy or do workbooks. I think they realized that what I do is for the best because it helps others so that's why they don't try and make me stop it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Narcissa
If you ever feel like that, please just text me and I'll come round, ok?
Your CC is right, to an extent. It's not as simple as *just* in your head, because that makes it out to be some little daydream, which it's not. But in the physical sense, he categorically does not exist. He's 100% real in your head and scary as fuck, but he cannot hurt anyone else. I wouldn't lie to you; you know that. That night of Fi's birthday, you were convinced he would hurt us, but he didn't, even though I refused to keep away from you. That night in your room, I can assure you he wasn't there. Men are large objects, and can't hide in little corners, or in shadows. I can't imagine how scary it is to hear that the thing you see isn't there, but accepting that is a lot less scary than the alternative of living in fear of him.
I've been around you and your flat an awful lot, but he's not hurt me. You'd think he would of done so by now if he had any serious desire to hurt people. But he can't. He's lying to you to scare you and manipulate you and make you more ill.
Please try to stop worrying about us. We're ok. We can look after ourselves and aren't in any danger (from him at least!). Look after yourself, because you're really scaring us. I'm so so worried for you. There's a reason that you're scared to do the things that you think will 'make up' for the weight gain. It's because your body is saying no. It doesn't want this abuse. It doesn't deserve this abuse.
Look after yourself for once, because you're so much more important than you realise.
We're safe already. You dying wouldn't change our level of safety, and would make so many people ridiculously sad.
Love you <3
<3 Love you too. You've been so wonderful to me - I don't deserve it at all.
I've worked it out, though... I know death is sad. But people get over it and move on. If you weigh up the pros and cons it works out for the best if I die. I've been through bereavement, I know it's hard and sad, but you do get past it and then things are okay. And that bit of sadness for a while and on anniversaries is nothing compared to the danger and sadness I produce by being alive. The risks are so large, especially next month.
I do understand that my body doesn't like this. It's overwhelming. Like, I eat more and then gain weight... so I have to do tasks because I can feel his anger building. Or I dont take X number of pills or purge X number of times and so I have to make up for it in other ways. And then I restrict my sleep to hurt and to keep watch to make people safe and then I get tired and slip up and that makes him more mad and it gets into a big mess.
I am just tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm exhausted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Left Phalange
I am very worried about you Jodie, we all are. I really hope one day you can see how special and amazing you really are. Because you don't deserve to be hurt by anyone, including yourself.
Thank you for posting lots of caring things. I wish you wouldn't worry though, because you should be focusing on you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ballerinabetty
Try to challenge these thoughts Jodie. What would you say to me if said I said that I cant be a healthy weight because if would mean other get hurt? What advice would you give me? Xx
I don't know. It's hard to think about things like that because my head feels different.
I don't know how he knows things, he just does. And he gives me some time... like if I ate all the pies tomorrow and gained half a stone people would't be at risk as *soon* as I picked up the fork. But I have to do the tasks and work things out and mend things fairly soon after to avoid people getting hurt.
It's tiring.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zedebee
Also, Jenna, just wanted to say you're an awesome friend
Jodie, I have only met you 3 times, and you're such a kind and amazing friend, especially to Jenna. And I think everyone will agree with me when I say that we would NOT be better off it you died. We'd all think we could of done more to help you and we would never be able to get over the pain of you leaving us.
If there's anything I can do to help you then just ask me and I'll try my very best to help you. I'm not an expert but I don't like to see you hurting and struggling so much.
What danger and sadness do you feel you would cause during next month? Can you give examples?
I really think you need to talk to your team (again) about him. He's so so dangerous to you. To you though, not us. I wish you could see this from my perspective; he is part of your illness; a spectre conjured up by your memories, your PTSD, your mind. He's making you self-destruct even more than normal. He's controlling you with fear and empty threats. But ultimately, he has no power to hurt any of us. We're safe.
I would never 'get over' losing you. I know that for a fact. But I don't want you to live just for me, or just for ALL the other people who love you. I want you to recover and live for you. But until you reach that stage, you have to hold on to the other reasons, such as the people who love you.
In terms of the ED, firstly, my workbook is a pile of shite, you're not missing out on anything! ED treatment is hit and miss and depends on the area and the circumstances and how hard you push for it, not necessarily how ill you are. I'm confident you eat less calories than me per day, your BMI is less than mine, and you B/P on top of that. If I have a srs bsns ED, then so do you. And you deserve help just as much as me. In fact more. Would you like to try to get some help for your eating? Because I'll do the screaming and shouting for you if you want!
I'm rambling here, [I'm sorry, I just have a lotta feelings :p]
April. Come stay with me for the times I'm not being trolled by les parents? I've just revised flashbacks, so I'm a total expert now. I'll be lonely because le Fi is away, and you know I always love your company. Let me look after you? You don't have to do April by yourself.
April is the time I *do* have to be by myself. The month itself is dangerous, and me being scared makes the badness more powerful.
There's no point screaming and shouting. As long as my weight is fine they don't care about the rest. I didn't mean to sound like I want attention. I want to be better - just scared of it.
I wouldn't know what to say to N. And Dr A is leaving anyways. There is nothing to say. They don't understand me.
N kept saying, 'you're reluctant to talk about this...'.
