I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much hun, my thoughts are with you and I really hope that you can find the appropriate help and support soon and that the appointments help you to start feeling better about things, because you do deserve it! x
Jen - erm...just in general. It doesn't feel like my brain is connected properly right now.
Roli - Not a lot more than he usually does; eat something, try to sleep, asked about my DBT tasks which I haven't done, he's concerned because I'm on my own so my risk of doing something has gone through the roof, asked if I'd call crisis if I needed to - told him I might, asked how suicidal I was, told me to make another appointment for my GP, said the pain I was in yesterday might be related to the depression, asked what I was doing during the day...asked me how things were with Ad - gave me the number for couples counselling if we wanted to try it. He said he really just wanted to keep in contact to make sure I'm okay [and by that I assume he means alive].
I just feel like it's all pointless. It's been months now and I'm not feeling better...in fact I'm feeling a damn site worse. I want to say to people that they don't need to worry and that I'm not going to do anything else to hurt myself - but I can't commit to that because I feel like completely destroying all of it. The medication isn't even making me sleep now. The anti-depressants aren't even taking off the edge like they did before. I have to see my psychiatrist on Monday but I can't really see the point. Nothing seems to ever change. Blah. Sorry.
Darling *hugs* are really the only thing of use I can think of right now *Squishes*
I know how frustrating it can be when your CPN is like that. I don't know if your the same, but I always feel dissapointed by responses such as eat, sleep, try to look after yourself etc etc. I never really know what I would prefer or anything. I don't know what I seek when I go- but its not that, not even close.
Mine has the same worries about being on my own- I can see where there coming from with it too. I often like it when I'm alone because I am free to do as I please- but I really hope you can tell when things get too bad. Really really don't want to lose you. Sometimes making the decision to be with others is the most sensible, even if its the hardest decision. Thats what I did just before xmas and I don't regret it.
I really hope you can ring the crisis team my sweets. My CPN knows I won't ring them. Or anyone when things get that bad. I just can't... But I really hope you can. Its good to talk and its good to make others aware of how bad things are. It could provide the tiny glimmer of hope we need to keep hanging on that tiny bit longer.
How are things with Ad sweetie? Do you think you will be able to work on it? Have you considered counseling?
... OK, the last point you made on your first paragraph made me smile. I just had to confess that. It's not because its funny, or because its right- but because my CPN is exactly the same. I think they try to be subtle but most medical professionals are the same. Its like when they ask people if they are in immediate danger of harming themselves... when really they mean killing themselves. *Huggles so tight*
Honey, it isn't pointless, it isn't. These things will take time honey. You have been through so much sweetie and after a while, the trauma and the constant battle with daily life will take its tole honey... But things can get better. You deserve them to get better.
Keep trying hun. I think that seeing your Psych would be a great start hun. Changing meds is a daunting prospect- but- you said they worked for a bit hun. A change could make them take the edge of again.
Its ok not to be able to promise anything to anyone hun- the only thing you need to promise is that you will try your hardest.
Stay safe honey, Take care.
Cuddles xxx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
*hugs Roli*
Thank you honey.
I don't know whether I feel disappointed about my meeting with my CPN...because I don't think I really expect any more right now. He asked me if there was anything as a service they could be doing to help; and I just said I didn't know. I don't know what I need...but I know what I'm getting isn't helping. I have a DBT session tomorrow though so maybe it'll help me feel less alone. I don't know if I would call crisis to be honest - I always feel like if I'm okay enough to call them then it can't be a crisis so I'd be wasting their time, if that makes sense?
Ad came round earlier - there was something that needed fixing around the house and he said his dad and him would come do it - it was awkward to say the least...we hugged though so I guess that was a positive. I've thought about the counselling and apparently this service offer six weeks of sessions. I guess it's something I'd have to talk to Ad about at some point. I don't know how things are with him; I just don't feel I can trust him - like he says he'd never do anything like that again but I don't think I can believe him.
I'm just getting so tired of fighting daily - it just gets tiring after a while and I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
I saw my manager in Tesco's just now. She asked how I was; I said I was so-so - she said she'd seen me in town before Christmas and I was upset and she wanted to say something to me but didn't feel she should; I told her I'd just found out about Ad - she hugged me. It was kind of weird but kind of nice for someone to let me know I'm not alone. She also said on Friday the main reason for the meeting was to talk about my options etc.
I'm trying to stay safe...at least until tomorrow for DBT.
x Katie x
would it be helpful to find an activity to participate in that would let you get away from it all? sometimes i feel that so much of my energy goes into therapy/ocd related goals and meetings and exposures and thoughts that sometimew what i really need is just an opportunity to put all of that aside and not think about it for a while and to be able to interact with people without all that stuff getting brought up (bluntly or just hinted at)...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I have been thinking about it to be honest. I rang around some animal shelters and charity shops to see if they're looking for volunteers at the moment, and a couple of them are. I guess I've been putting it off like I'm not accepting I'm gonna be off work that long. I'll see what happens in this meeting on Friday with work and then I'll get my ass into gear next week.
I get what you mean about wanting to just interact with people away from the medical side of things - at the moment I feel like appointments just fill my life.
x Katie x
I know what you mean about not knowing if you were disappointed as you didn't know what you wanted. Its good he asked if there was anything they could do- mine says that sometimes- but I guess when we're in that state, we don't know or think anything would help right now. I hope things do start helping. Please just try your psychiatrists... You never know till you try.
I feel the same about the crisis team! I always think if I tell them I have plans- then they will tell me I'm not committed to carrying them out then, if I choose to talk about them. That would only spur me on, like I found out in similar circumstances last time :P...
But to add a rational spin on it honey- You are in a crisis if you feel the need to ring them at all. If that thought enters your head that the alternative is potentially doing something to harm yourself- That is the crisis. The crisis is not after. Thats the result of the crisis. The crisis is before- the trigger for the action.
I know its hard honey. I know what a daily fight is like. But just keep trying. Keep fighting. It will be worth it in the end- I'm sure of it. When things become a little better- you will be glad you fought so hard. I believe in you.
I'm sorry about Ad- I really hope things work out for the best sweetie, whatever the best may be for you. I hope you can work through things to a point where you know if you want to stay with him or not. For the record- you deserve someone who will look after you, cherish you and value you as the incredible person you are. You deserve the best. I don't know if Ad is that person, only you do, but thats what you deserve.
Your managers reaction was nice honey. Its nice to know there are still real humans out there. I hope the meeting at work goes ok.
Good luck with your DBT session tomorrow- Is it a group or one-to-one?
So, I just had my DBT group session...not really sure whether it was helpful or not. One of the usual therapists wasn't doing it today it was some other woman which bothered me at first but it turned out she was alright. I wasn't really 'there' in the session for most of it - just kept zoning out and staring into space - thinking about things. Told them I hadn't done any of the homework tasks because of how shit the last couple of weeks have been - explained it all to them. The main therapist (V) was lovely about it. We were also talking about being able to call crisis and someone from the group said they were useless and they never got back to her until days later...blah. I said I'd try to call. V said think of it more like trying to prevent a crisis rather than calling them when you're at crisis point. So, see what you mean Roli - guess I never really thought of it that way. Never think I'm bad enough until I'm nearly unconscious or about to jump or something.
I'm just feeling like I've lost all rational thinking about anything and I'm not sure I can keep fighting any more. It just seems to be getting worse instead of better. My CPN said, when all this started, that the good days would get more and more often and the bad days would get infrequent...but I seem to be going the other way; before I did have the odd good day but now I rarely seem to have any. They all seem like bad days.
In DBT we were talking about the pros and cons of tolerating distress and to be honest, I couldn't think of many pros of tolerating it right now. Or tolerating life to be honest. If I just had a day when I finally thought; this is why I'm still fighting - so I can be like this all the time...I think I could carry on. But I don't. I just have days which take away piece by piece any reason for sticking around.
Right now I can't even think about me and Ad - I can't even try to work out the practicalities of rent and bill and everything. I just want everything to stop for a while. In group today I said the only distress tolerance technique I'd used since the last session was 'taking a vacation away from the distress' and she asked how long it was for; I said about two weeks. I've pretty much been hiding from it all since everything went wrong.
The reaction from my manager (N) was nice...but automatically I think there must be an ulterior motive. Last time my other manager (T) was nice to me he went to OH and told them I shouldn't be working and told HR that I shouldn't be doing my job. I hate that I think that but it's hard not to.
I only have the group DBT sessions - I don't have the individual ones yet.
*squishes Roli*
I just feel like crawling into a hole and dying.
Gah. Sorry.
x Katie x
*offers hug* im glad the seem alright and/or lovely. havin good people helps more.
maybe youre just holdin cause you want things to be better like you have previously said. I dont know for sure though
*hugs close*
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
*hugs Libz*
I don't know - maybe you're right.
I keep going from one thing to another. I go from wanting to get better to make sure people don't have to worry about me. To show people I'm grateful for how much they're supporting me and helping me. To show them how much I do love them. Then I go back to just wanting to self-destruct and cause myself as much damage as I possibly can. Some hours I hate myself for even coming close to dying, then I'll hate myself for not succeeding when I had the chance.
I went to my diabetic clinic appointment - it's not as bad as the rest of the appointments because she seems to understand that when the depression hits the diabetes control goes out the window. She doesn't get mad like the rest. Part of me thinks; No, I need better control over my diabetes because in years to come there's going to be complications and it'll cause me to have a reduced quality of life...but then part of me doesn't think I'll be alive that long so why does it matter?
I've got another GP appointment on Monday - so that's my GP, Diabetic Nurse and Psych all on Monday. Great. I need to be more honest with my Psych...I know I haven't told him enough; like the fact that I'm forcing myself to stay awake because the nightmares make me physically sick, or that the flashbacks cause me physical pain, or that my OCD thoughts are getting more and more intrusive as the days pass, or that I've still got my plan, my letters, my videos and now I'm alone and able to carry it out without interruption. I just don't know how to tell him. I'm scared of how far this is going to get if I don't tell him; but I'm also scared that nothing will change if I do tell him and I'll be no better. I guess all in all I'm just scared of everything right now. My anxiety is through the roof today - terrified about the meeting at work tomorrow. When I was walking back from the hospital I kept having panic attacks every time a group of people walked past me because I was certain they were going to attack me...it wasn't even dark or anything. They didn't even pay any attention to me. Still I panicked. Gah. I wish I could just hide.
x Katie x
Im sorry you are struggling so much honey. Are the feelings of wanting to get better stronger than not? Maybe you can try and concentrate on the feelings of wanting to get better rather than the others? Try not to hate yourself hun, there's nothing to hate yourself for <3 I'm glad your nurse is nice to you like that, it sounds like a great help she can be so understanding. Maybe concentrating on controlling your diabetes can distract you from all your other thoughts? And because you are trying so hard can keep you going. It does matter hun, it will only hurt you more.
I'm glad you know you need to be more honest. Have you written a letter so you don't forget or find it hard to say any of those things? Im sorry its so hard for you right now, but hopefully all those appointments on Monday will help you in the long run even though it might be a really hard day. When you are wwalking can you try listening to music or soething so you don't notice those around you and are not so anxious? Music can be very calm.
Sorry I don't think im being particularly helpful, bit *sending you squished*
Keep fighting hun.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
*hugs Hannah*
Thank you for the reply.
I feel like I've got reason to hate myself. I feel like I'm the worst person in the world right now. I have all these people offering to help me, friends supporting me...all of it and what do I do? Throw it back in their faces and end up in hospital again. I refuse to talk to people and bitch and moan that I'm alone. I complain about my entire life when in actual fact hundreds of people would probably swap places with me in an instant. Right now I think the feelings are both equal - like tug of war...even I don't know which side is going to win. I feel like I'm Newtons Cradle - backwards and forwards between two extremes. I'll go for one day where I'll do everything right with my diabetes, take all my meds, do something productive, eat healthy...but then the next day I won't even get out of bed. No food, no medication...nothing. I don't know how much more my brain can take.
I haven't written a letter yet - I might try to do it tonight, and if not I'll do it tomorrow because my brain kind of feels like it's been put in a washing machine after DBT today.
I was listening to music on the way home - it helped a little but added to the paranoia because I couldn't hear what they were saying. I think it's just my brain playing up at the moment.
You are being helpful. I really appreciate your reply <3
x Katie x
Thanks Chas. I can't call crisis. Just...yeah. Can't do it. It's alright I'm not in crisis really. Just...dunno.
I keep seeing it. How I can do it. I even know what song's going to be playing. At which second in the song I will stop being alive...it's all in my head and I can't stop thinking about it. Seeing it. Over and over. Fuck. I don't need this now. Not with this meeting at work tomorrow >.< Then being alone over the weekend. Shit. I need to get my head straight. Or maybe just stay in bed all weekend to keep myself safe. Nightmares and flashbacks get me then though. I'm getting so sick of this now.
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
