When you're no longer harming but you're still hurting - Page 6

Snow White. · 30-08-2011, 08:25 AM

Anytime. I'm proud of you for going out, talking to Simon, and also super proud of you for taking care of yourself tonight through relaxing.

*hands gold star*
:D

Margo · 30-08-2011, 04:04 PM

well done for going out. Its hard but this is all good for you. Hope work was ok today. I think you are dead brave and 1000000 times braver than me!

Love you xxx

Mrs Sam · 31-08-2011, 09:04 PM

My moods are swinging wildly at the minute. Today hasn't been so bad.

It's my 4 year wedding anniversary tomorrow. My mum also has an operation. A corneal transplant on her eye.

Odd odd odd.

Snow White. · 01-09-2011, 12:28 AM

I hope the operation goes okay. Do you have any plans for the anniversary? Congratulations :) xxx

Mrs Sam · 07-09-2011, 04:04 PM

We just went for tea for our anniversary. It was nice. My mums op went really well.

I got a letter today to say I have to make appt at drs to sort out new psych referral. Thought I'd been discharged but apparently not. Don't see the point I'm not on meds I have good support system and about to have a baby. It just seems pointless. Well hopefully the refferal will tAke a while.

I'm so tired. 8 weeks left to go.

Mrs Sam · 08-09-2011, 04:11 PM

I don't think a breastfeeding class should have left me feeling this way. I cried in the car on the way back and I feel disgusting and triggered. All that talk about boobs and having to touch them and everything I just feel shell shocked. Maybe I'm not cut out for this but then I don't want to give up at the first hurdle. There was only 5 of us and the other 4 were asking questions and talking to eAch other and discussing what had happened to them and everything and I sat in the corner and literally did make a noise except to say thank you at the end. I just wanted to run away. All their questions were so sensible and I couldn't ask anything because all mine were related to if the nurses have to touch or see your boobs and what happens of I have a flashback or body memory whilst breastfeeding. I feel so alien. I don't feel fit to be a mother.

Margo · 08-09-2011, 11:36 PM

What the others were talking about was normal. It would be normal for you too but you still have painful unresolved memories regarding the sexual abuse.

Is there a nurse there you can talk to about this? It wont be the first time they have heard it you know!

Huge hugs.

you arent a bad person or a freak or a disgrace. you are suffering trauma and that takes time to heal!

xxx

Mrs Sam · 11-09-2011, 08:53 AM

but i want to be normal. i want to have the worries they have. i found myself so angry and jealous at them that i couldnt even look at them.

my midwife is going to come to my house in the next few weeks to discuss my birth plan so i will try and discuss some issues with her. i need to tell her about my scars anyway and my worries regarding them and being in hospital.

its just coming round so quickly, i'm trying to be as organised as possible as mentally i dont feel able to get organised. guess its compensation. doesnt help that im on a bit of a gap in therapy at the minute (just holidays and circumstances) so ive felt a little isolated with my feelings. i am getting better at talking to simon but i know i still keep a lot bottled inside.

Margo · 11-09-2011, 03:46 PM

Im sorry to tell you, but you are normal. I think jealousy is a perfectly normal reaction in your position -ergo you ARE normal!

I know its not easy feeling different. I know as an expectant mum you want to be like everyone else; feeling and reacting like they seem to. Its never quite so black and white though.

You are doing the best you can, knowing what you do. You cant ask anymore of yourself right now. Its not an ideal situation, but its one you have chosen and ultimately it will bring you a peace and happiness you never thought humanly possible!

xxx

Mrs Sam · 11-09-2011, 04:40 PM

I know in some ways I'm normal but there's a lot where I'm really not. I guess it's just since I don't really ever speak to new people I don't realise what my differences are sometime.

I've been in a&e all afternoon. Simon cut his wrist. Really deep. I'm really triggered by it. I don't want to be too graphic but I've seen a lot. The stitches and all of it. I dunno it's just taken ne back.

Margo · 11-09-2011, 04:41 PM

WTF? please tell me it was an accident!

Mrs Sam · 11-09-2011, 04:52 PM

Oh yeah sorry it was an accident. He was playing with chisels and wood. The only reason it didn't hit bad stuff was his top took some of the impact.

Margo · 11-09-2011, 05:02 PM

You realyl worried me then. I was going to call you! Hope hes ok. C'est la vie Samuel.

you'll be ok! xxx

Mrs Sam · 11-09-2011, 06:01 PM

Sorry I should have explained better.

Margo · 11-09-2011, 06:55 PM

Dont apologise!

Mrs Sam · 12-09-2011, 05:36 AM

My sleeping is ****ed at the minute. I know it's probably pregnancy related but the pattern is oh so familiar. Go to sleep around 10. Wake around midnight and sleep on and off til 2 or 3 then lie awake till 6 ish and dose until my alarm goes off at 6.45. That's the same pattern I used to sleep before I ended in hospital. I know logically it's probably not related to my mh but more to baby but I'm used to looking for physically cues to me being ill as I'm so rubbish noticing the emotional ones and it's a bit unnerving. I don't think the trip to a&e has helped as I'm lying here almost reminiscing of my last lot of stitches. I know it's disgusting to say but I miss it. I miss scabs and stitches and pain and blood. I'm scared that pregnancy has just put it on temperory hold rather than helped me recover from it. I guess I'm scared about a lot of things but then it's hard not to feel vulnerable when it's 5.30 in the morning and you've barely slept. Plus I have a doctors appt at 8.10 to sort this stupid psych referral out that I don't even want.

Mrs Sam · 12-09-2011, 09:00 AM

Doctors appt was actually ok. Very short and sweet! They're reffering me to the local CMHT and they'll contact me direct to do assessment and see what support they can offer me. They said waiting list is a while but to be fair I wouldn't want anything to happen before Christmas anyway so I don't really mind. Ony issue is if I change after baby born.

Snow White. · 12-09-2011, 09:37 AM

*sits with you*

I know you might not be able to see it Sam, but you are doing really, really well. Don't give up and I hope being able to write out here what is going on is helping while you're on a therapy break. Thinking of you, oh lovely pregnant one. xx

Mrs Sam · 16-09-2011, 04:36 PM

Well I have been discharged from mindfulness today so maybe I am doing better than I think. I'm ok with the decision I think it was a good time to leave. I'm still in therapy and on the waiting list for emdr. I also got a call fro the mh team here and I have an assessment with them next Thursday afternoon to see if I need their support. I don't know who it is with maybe a cpn or a psychiatrist. Feels a while since I was a noob and had an assessment so it's a bit odd but I guess the worst that will happen is they will yell me they think I just need to stick with my therapist and the best they will do is offer me more support (although I'm not entirely sure what therapeutic gaps I have to fill!!).

I'm trying to be positive though. I'm an old hand at this stuff there's nothing they should say that will suprise me. Only slight concern is Simon is away with work the day I go but I'm sure I'll manage ok.

Mrs Sam · 20-09-2011, 05:25 AM

I hate these hours of the mornings. The 2,3,4,5 hours. They when the worst thoughts come.

Sorry I'd ilthis triggering jsut need it it my head. Don't read if too bad.

I can feel his fingers. Rheyyre big and have scratchy corners on the nails. They hurt but not very bad just litlex wincy pain. I feel very small. It hurts s lot when he outs it in the bad place though. Shooting hitting the inside. He's trying to make me happy bit I'm not doing it right l. I'm very bad. I hope noone sees us. Or catches us as I'll be in lot of trouble. Scatching scratching nails. Rubbing there. Makig me sit better so he can see what I'm doing bad. Bad bad little whore. He's so loud. Bad bad little whore. Baby killer. **** whore baby killer. Um sorry for the bad things. I sn s very bad girl. Scratching really hurts. The pins inside. My hart is racing and I can't stop the bad breathing and the thofyrhs and I hate 5am and I should nt be bad. The sstale smoke is in my mouth and o cat get rid of the taste. Bad girl. U hate it. I'm sorry. Please make all the thoughts stop. It resly hurts down there.