It seems so easy to ask for help doesnt it? But im scared, Im **** scared.
If i had Simon as my doctor then maybe things would be different. But my doc has tried everything. He is a good doctor and a patient one, but hes heard it all from me before and when i abuse his trust by taking ods, ofcourse hes going to remove medication and help. I have the option of seeing another doc, but theyre not the same. Mine has been with me from the beginning...I cant let go of that.
and,
how do i let go of the bargain i made? How do I not harm and risk my son and girls becoming ill...I made a promise and it wont matter what any professional will say to me..I JUST CANT TAKE THAT RISK...
Wow..i feel so angry and vengeful right now. Not at you Matthew but because I know that what youve said is what I need to do. But unless I can change my mindset I cant change. How do I change that?
Also I can tell a stranger like Simon about my troubles, my persoanl problems but i would find it really hard to tell my doctor..maybe its because ive grown to know him and i didnt know Simon. Yes I need to learn to open up more...and I will try. I promise you that
I feel very low and depressed and cant snap out of this one. Ive tried shopping..sitting with my family. Ive altered my sleep pattern to help me
I just cant shift it. I want to cry and i ache inside. I want to shut myself away....i cant see an end to it..I feel a real rage inside of me
If your car broke down and you took it to the garage and it kept breaking and breaking, would you keep going back tot he same mechanic? If the choice not to change car was available would you not just try a new mechanic?
Perhaps a new doc could look with new eyes.
Im afraid your logic kinda is wrong. docs wont judge. YOU are the one that judges!
As for the bargain? you made that with yourself and no one else. you really think god will punish? I doubt that. It doesnt work like that.
change your doc. Quite frankly i think you wrap your med service people around your little finger. you have them in your safe zone.
safe zones when sick arent good for us in the long run.
you CAN do this.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
i agree with needing a new doc - one with some different ideas who might make it work! maybe look into a gp with experience of mental health - whether a retired psych or whatever - the more experience the better!
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Thank you so much for all the kind words, I feel overwhelmed in a nice way xx
I saw my doctor yesterday and broke down. I managed to tell him that I dont get up til 3pm most days, that i dont wash..i mean i havent had a bath or shower for over three weeks..i didnt have a pile of clothes to put away because i dont change my clothes...even talking about it now brings tears. I cant believe how low i have become
the good news is that im nolonger on venlafaxine. Im now to come off the anti psychotic..chlorpromazine. Its only meant for short term help for anxiety and ive been on it for almsost four years. I have to come off it completely before he puts me on something else, so im in for a rough ride with sleepless nights, am dreading it. But i do think hes doing the right thing
I harmed last night, quite badly. Yes i should have gone to hospital and part of me wishes i had, i may have seen simon again, i needed someone to talk to. It was my daughters birthday and i couldnt disrupt the evenings activities. I think it came about because i remembered the time when i was taken away from her birthday party and put in hospital....it triggered me and yet i didnt want anyone to know incase that happened again...not likely but still...
My doc says i need to start talking to my family to clear my head...its so full up which is why i cant sleep. It all starts to seep out at night which is why i cant sleep. But i dont want to share with my family, they are people i love..i dont want to burden them with my stuff...my hubby wouldnt cope with it all and i dont want to burden my kids with my feelings and thoughts, which parent would choose to do that?
Ive contacted my old therapist to see if she will take me back. she has said yes but her fees have gone up from £60 to £80 and hour and i cant afford that. Yes she is good, very good, so i have said i will see her fortnightly in the new year...but ive just had ti reapply for dla and my doc said they are now refusing so many people..if i get turned down i wont beable to afford therapy
As for changing to a new doctor, I like the one ive got. He is making changes for me, so i will wait and see.
He listens to me and thats what I need...hes not a push over and he stands his ground when he believes in something.
Amd to be honest I like the fact that he knows my history, he knows everything about me medically. That means alot to me. I dont want to be sat infront of a stranger and starting all over again, and most of the other doctors at the practice scare me
it just sucks...it all does
too much, just too much going on..
Last edited by ~Grace~ : 29-10-2010 at 06:08 PM.
Reason: added to..
hey lovely, the good news is he is doing something, i was worried he was going to stop everything.
it is def good you plan to see the therapist, and yes ppl are getting turned away BUT IF IF IF you do make sure you argue it, you so deserve it, but in the mean time dont worry about it, until they get back to you there is nothing you can do anyway
i am fed up of the **** that i live in called my home...it is a pigsty, just like my way of living..im dirty, it is dirty. im messy ...my home is messy
i have no way, no motivation, no energy, no nothing in me to do anything about it and yet it triggers me...how can i tell my doc that i live in a **** hole and the whole things leaves me triggered enough to harm badly enough to need hospital attention I CANT TAKE CARE OF MYSELF OR MY HOME!! I am a failure at everything i do. I am so ashamed of my home that i dont allow my family to come around.
and do you know what? we cant afford to do it up because i spend all my benefits on trying to make me feel good, spending, shopping, ordering online
yep...i am one mucked up selfish bitch and i cant live like this anymore
i need to harm......
hey rowie, you need to get your money put away where oyu can't get to it because you need that money for other stuff. i hate doing housework, i often sit in the mass of toys and ripped up paper and food flung about the palce wondering where to start... then walk into the kitchen and every plate/dish/glass we own is filthy and think.... how can i wash up when the drying rack is covered in stacked dirty plates?
it does my head in and i lack the motivation to do it. right now i should have washed up and made cakes for halloween and made welsh cakes and washed up all the baking things... haven't even started yet.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Thank you Rachel and Mand...think of you both often and miss our chats xx
Hubby took the girls swimming tonight...how i wanted to go. I havent been swimming for over 7 years. I would have loved it. But i chucked my cossie out years ago and to go i would have to tell my kids about my scars and i cant do that
But it made me realise how much i am missing out on. But i cant change that without breaking some valuable rules of mine..ones that i cannot break. Im hoping that by protecting my kids from what i do, that it will prevent them from having mental health problems later on in life. This goes against everything ive been told by the professionals. Apparently, by hiding stuff it is more likely that my children will have mental health problems.......well i say bollox to that. I will go out of my way to hide what i do from them..I will protect them because i love them so very very much. yeah i love them with all my heart
How do you hide the 'pigsty' (your words) house, from them?
The not showering/washing hair/changing clothes till you are told you look dirty, 'hair looks greasy' (again your words), from them?
How do you hide the horrible pit of pain and isolation you have created from them?
"Im hoping that by protecting my kids from what i do, that it will prevent them from having mental health problems later on in life. "
Rowie, you aren't hiding anything. Except the truth, from yourself. They see the poor physical health you are in, and the poor MH. They see it all.
I know you do love your family...but blocking them out (in hopes of 'helping'/'protecting' them) and not accepting help is setting examples for all of them.
Examples they will remember.
I also wonder about the 'protecting' them...I think your mind has warped 'protection' for them, into protection for YOU.
As in, if you keep it hidden in your RL, where you spend most your time, you don't have to face it and fight to change it...you can just plaster on a fake smile (or stay on the couch/in bed) and no one will be the wiser. Too bad it doesn't work that way.
I know things are bad for you now...how much worse will it be for you (and them) when you see the damage this has caused to the very ppl you thought you were protecting?
I hope you can very soon accept the help, not control the help, that is there for you.
I know about your GP cutting back appt's, but why not? I guess he's feeling that seeing you on any schedule has the same results.
At least you seem to be finally questioning your actions, which is def. a positive step.
Im hoping that by protecting my kids from what i do, that it will prevent them from having mental health problems later on in life. This goes against everything ive been told by the professionals. Apparently, by hiding stuff it is more likely that my children will have mental health problems.......well i say bollox to that. I will go out of my way to hide what i do from them..I will protect them because i love them so very very much. yeah i love them with all my heart
What infact you are teaching your children is how to lie and cheat and decieve when it comes to how we feel. You are also teaching them a huge lie about mental health. You are teaching them that its something to be ashamed of and something that needs to be hidden. You are teaching them that its ok to kill yourself as long as you hide it well. You are teaching them to reject openess and love and compassion.
If, god forbid, one of them does get depression or anxiety later in life will you (providing you are alive to see them), tell them not to tell anyone and cover up and lie at all cost for fear of upsetting someone? Will you tell them that what they must remember is to ignore all the advice from friends and family and to ask for no help from those around them because they must make a pact in their heads while they are at their most darkened ill stage, that will prevent them from having any chance at life what-so-ever?
Rowie you should read what Romp wrote. You should read it a thousand times because she is 100% correct. The only person you are protecting is you.
The pact you have made is with your depression, not God. The promise you made was with your depression, not with anything that is good.
have you ever considered going to speak to a priest?
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Thinking of you and miss you lots.Glad your doc may try something else with you though.
It sounds like your kids and thoughts of doing things with them are really positive for you which is good?im wondering if you can use this to help you.
Maybe you could set aside some time each week to do an activity you feel comfortable doing with them?Like your hubby took them swimming, what do you think you and them could enjoy doing together?Just so you dont feel your missing out so much if you do at all.Not saying you do feel your missing out or you dont do other things with them but just a thought.
Cos when you said about the swimming thing and not being able to go i thought if i was in your position that must really hurt, really cut deep [sorry about the wording there, just realised it as i was re-reading].i cant actually imagine how it must feel.So i just wanted you to have something else to maybe help a bit.But i dont mean to sound insensitive or anything.It was meant as a positive.i really feel for you and i also know very much your kids mean the world to you which must make this even harder.
Also i know you probably dont want to but could you talk to your therapist about your finances.im sure she wouldnt want you to struggle more cos you couldnt afford it.im sure she will understand especially in the current climate and may be able to come to an agreement of slightly less money or something if you think therapy may help you again/you feel it is something you need [which i think you do quite desperately but i dont want to push you and i guess also its a question of whether your ready and its ok if not].Just a thought.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
I guess i dont hide the mess of myself and my home..they see it on a day to day basis...Maybe i am just kidding myself, but its what keeps me going, knowing or rather maybe be feeling that i am protecting them.
Protecting your kids is what any mother who cares would wish to do..i just cant bring myself to tell them how bad things are. Yes i would imagine they do have some idea as im not the mum i once was....
Thanks Romp...some home truths which i needed to hear
Hope youre ok xx
Thank you Matthew...youre right, I have taught my children to be open in all aspects of their lives, including their health. But it seems that i have another rule for myself. I would hate for them not to tell me if something wasnt right with their health because i would want to be in a position to help. But i cant help wondring what good it would do them to know i cut, to know i od...i just cant get my head around it.
Its strange you know, years ago when i went on an anxiety management course, the person who headed the group also suggested to me that i ought to see a priest...but i know what they will say...'' that god is all good, that he looks after us and cares for us''....well, what i want to know is where the **** was he 6 years ago? Where was he when all those poor kids were diagnosed and some who died? Is that being good and taking care of? Is it, bollox.....he brings evilness too....and i just cant see me sitting infront of a priest having this conversation...
and now im confused because if he brings evilness too, he could break the pact that i made with him..or does he not break promises?
Thinking of you and miss you lots.Glad your doc may try something else with you though.
It sounds like your kids and thoughts of doing things with them are really positive for you which is good?im wondering if you can use this to help you.
Maybe you could set aside some time each week to do an activity you feel comfortable doing with them?Like your hubby took them swimming, what do you think you and them could enjoy doing together?Just so you dont feel your missing out so much if you do at all.Not saying you do feel your missing out or you dont do other things with them but just a thought.
Cos when you said about the swimming thing and not being able to go i thought if i was in your position that must really hurt, really cut deep [sorry about the wording there, just realised it as i was re-reading].i cant actually imagine how it must feel.So i just wanted you to have something else to maybe help a bit.But i dont mean to sound insensitive or anything.It was meant as a positive.i really feel for you and i also know very much your kids mean the world to you which must make this even harder.
Also i know you probably dont want to but could you talk to your therapist about your finances.im sure she wouldnt want you to struggle more cos you couldnt afford it.im sure she will understand especially in the current climate and may be able to come to an agreement of slightly less money or something if you think therapy may help you again/you feel it is something you need [which i think you do quite desperately but i dont want to push you and i guess also its a question of whether your ready and its ok if not].Just a thought.
xx xx
Thank you Kath, Ive been thinking about this....and yes there is something i could do with my kids. they all enjoy cooking/baking. Thats something i could do which wouldnt tire me out too much. As for my therapist...i may not beable to see her anyhow if they cut out my dla. But if i remain getting the benefit, then i was just going to see her every other week, which i guess is better than nothing
do you know what?
speaking about god and punishments and bargains and illness and ****ing cancer......its made me realise how im not over it even though he will be 6years in remission this december. It stills feel red raw inside me..i dont oftne cry but i am now. I can still see the poor children, i remember with love bobby and brendan who arent with us anymore...i can hear the footsteps at night, the smell, the tears...
I am a bit behind with what has been going on with everybody but I did see that you had contacted your old therapist again about possibly going back in a while. I think like anything from the past that effects you ultimately the most obvious way to get through it is by talking about it either on here, or to friends or to professionals. You can and will get there. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. Romp and Matthew make some especially good points though. Please try and take them in and on board hun.
If i see my therapist it will have to be fortnightly, but that is better than nothing. I do need to talk. My doc says i have somuch in me that needs to come out. Thing is, I spent two and a half years with one therapist and then had to change and spent two years with Amanda, who I will be seeing again...How many years of paying out and talking is it going to take? Thats what worries me...
I think i use ryl as my therapy...I sit and chat to the pc as if it were a person. Its my way of getting stuff out, bad stuff and stuff that worries me
Ive spoken to my hubby and asked him if he can take me to Ranworth, the place we visited whilst on holiday. (we managed to snatch a holiday inbetween my sons treatments) It was there that i made my bargain and feel that it is there that i need to go. Maybe to see the priest at the church there, or maybe just to sit..maybe to bargain again. But its no good going to my local church...it HAS to be that one or none at all.
Im not sure how i could get in touch with the priest there, maybe im not brave enough. But i want and need to go back there, even if it is to reinforce what weve already dealt at......
No thats wrong. I dont know what im after. All i know is that i will struggle to be open minded with the priest as i am fixed in my opinion and views.
Maybe juts to sit there in the church and see what happens, see what i feel...maybe the answer will come that way
Just want to thank those of you who have read, and those who have been kind enough to reply. It really means alot to me. Much love xx
