" Triggering suicide self harm abuse "
" Im One Screwed Up Damaged Headcase "
forgive me if i ramble and it goes out of order im trying to remember what he said to me
i ended up walking the streets after my session like a zombie im really scared right now im one screwed up headcase.
I feel like giving up...its too much
I went to see the psychiatrist this morning for some answers, i couldnt sleep all last night , my appointment was 9:00am.
I was so scared of what he was going to say, i took some artwork with me to show him and i found out from a medical website for questions and answers that i posted about my situation. And i found out that a guy whose been through the same stuff i have, he was emotionally, and mentally abused by his wife or girlfriend and he suffered domestic violence from her.
He needed more than 20 sessions of counselling but was told he couldnt receive more than 20 sessions on nhs. He spoke to his dr and the dr spoke to the psychiatrist and arranged for the guy to go on another waiting list for counselling of more than 20 sessions.
So i thought my dr was going to talk to the psychiatrist,
well im stupid,
i asked the psych and he said oh i havent sent your dr a letter yet, and i havent spoken to her.
Me........ **** i can tell where this is going ,
me...i said i need to tell you how i was made to feel last session...i was made to feel abandoned and ignored by the system i feel like a complete
screwed up headcase because you said i needed more than 20 sessions to get better and you couldnt offer more than 20 sessions. i feel like im seriously screwed in the head from what you said to me but you wernt
offering me a way of getting better.
I was so bad i ended up self harming and feeling like i was a lost cause and i had no hope of recovery.
psych....he sort of aknowledged my concerns he said im writing to the
medical board about your situation as well as others who need more intensive counselling.
me...well i know that wont get anywhere...i said do u realise how it made me feel to hear you say i needed more than 20 sessions to get better yet i cant counsell you because you get traumatised and we only do 20 sessions.
i felt terrible and as tho im too damaged to get better.
the psychiatrist said i still dont see you getting one to one counselling which is why i said art therapy and group counselling. i spoke to the art therapist and hes gonna send you a letter in 2-3 weeks
me.......2-3 weeks damn
psych... i still dont know if he thinks your suitable and i wont see you now until the art therapist has spoken to you
me....oh hell so i have nothing until 2-3 weeks when i hear from art therapist
psych....yes thats correct
me....i just want to explode here i cant handle this crap anymore
me...i said ive done artwork myself ive created 200 pieces of work i still dont think seing an art therapist will help me enough, im saying to you i need more support....hes not listeneing to me
he looked at the artwork and i think he was shocked he aknowledged the trauma that i was showing in the artwork.
Me.......i really need to see someone else, i dont even think group therapy will help me i need a one to one
psych... er there arnt any groups locally i think theres one in burnley
me.....burnley....i cant go to burnley....arnt there any locally
psch...er no theres one coming up here but it will be 12-18 months before its up
Me.....OMG i cant wait 12-18 months im really scared of losing it and giving up i dont think i can last that long i dont think group therapy will help me,
psych....i understand your concerns and i agree with you
me......er what if you agree with me that its no good why am i being put forward for it.....im getting angry now and really scared
psych well its the best thing for now....the art therapist might be running a group
me im getting sick of this round and round, hes not listening to me and hes asked me exactly the same questions he asked me last time
i dont think he knows what hes doing ....sounds like he doesnt know what to do with me
me...im getting really distraught now hes asking me about how i was
well what do u think im very scared ive had a terrible time i had to self
injure last session, i feel like im gona give up and fall apart im crying now as i tell him again about my history.
i want to finish the job my ex wife and bully started, i wish i was dead and i cant cope with all the stuff i went through.
psych ...well i do want to see you get some counselling from us later on i think you need some
me.......what the **** your now saying you think i do need some counselling later........im getting a bloody headache here trying to follow you
you say i cant have counselling cause i get to traumatised and we cant give more than 20 sessions, then you admit group therapy isnt as effective as one to one counselling, then you say if i see the art therapist for now that will start you off
me....it might start me off but i wont have enough support i need more than that im scared of not coping............hell i just want to give up
im crying now and telling him i want to finish the job they started the
damaged part of me the 90% that is damaged and it wants to kill me and end my suffering, and 10% wants me to live
i said do you have any idea what its like to both want to die and want to live i said im sick of this its killing me
psych its clear you need to heal yourself inside you need to release the damage
me...i said yes i cant ignore this **** inside if i do it will kill me
oh god i wish id died in my relationship i wish id had a nervous breakdown
" bomb shell "
me ....i want to ask you a question ive been told by my two comm mental health nurses i have " Reactive Depression, anxiety, symptoms of PTSD,
and entrenched trauma.
yet when i asked about treatment for PTSD i was told to shut up and stop being a counsellor, stop looking on the internet..you will never get an official diagnosis for PTSD so dont ask again.
me...will i ver get an official diagnosis can you tell me from your assesment what im suffering.
psych ...well my diagnosis is different from theres
me...................**** whats he going to say im falling apart here
psych...... you have symptoms of " Borderline Personality Disorder " you dont have all the symptoms and it usually affects children at an early age through to adulthood . But adults who go through intense trauma can suffer from " Borderline Personality Disorder"
me ............im falling apart now hell **** you mean ive got symptoms of
" Borderline Personality Disorder as well as reactive depression, anxiety
hell i cant cope with this anymore IM ONE ****ED UP SCREWED UP HEADCASE i may as well just give up now i cant cope with this ****.
so you mean if id got all the symptoms of borderline personality disorder
id get an official diagnosis
psych....maybe we dont allways give a diagnosis cause it may make the patient worse.
me......god i cant be any worse than i already feel i only want to understand what the hell is wrong with me as no one has given me a straight answer.
psych...well some people think they are the ilness thats why we have to be carefull who we tell
im struggling to take this in im more screwed up than i thought i dont know if i can cope with this **** anymore im really scared the art therapy wont be enough to deal with my ****
im scared im gona explode and fall apart or do something stupid im scared im gona give up the fight
i need to see my dr again as i have no support until i see the art therapist, my psychiatrist did say you can ring me if you need to
me.........i said surely not to give you a load of my stuff im struggling with.
he said you can ring me
im worried now i dont know if i can ring him ,
my heads full of **** and im really scared now of knowing ive got bloody symptoms of
borderline personality disorder ontop of all my other ****....its to much
i just want to die to run away
i left his office in a daze and feeling ditached i ended up walking the streets for hours
im really scared now its to much to deal with
i ****ing hate my ex wife and my bully i want to hurt them so badly
oh he t
he psych said we need to keep an eye on you if i feel your at risk or you will hurt others
i started saying oh you mean kicking the **** out of my bully
or you mean running him down in my car
he looked at me and said yes if you might i need to be able to break confidentiallity and talk to others
me........i said i understand that, im my going over all sorts of things i could do to him if i ever got the courage to
im screwed so screwed......im a headcase and im gona fall apart
im a screwed up headcase im really fvcked up in the head
i wish id never survived that **** i wish id escaped it now
i dont know what the hell im doing anymore
goes to hide forever
.gif "rose")
