Like I said on FB, you'd think they'd be more understanding. Helen's been ill for a while now, it's going to be so difficult to suddenly be 100% motivated to recover.
I really hope they start supporting you properly Hel. You can do this, I promise. It'll be hard work but I'm certain you'll show everyone what a beautiful little fighter you are. x
Trying to look at things in a slightly different way..
I think they may be trying to encourage her in a more forceful way to fight. They probably know you cant relax for a second in fighting an ED and want her to keep plugging away and not put her hands up again. She has 8 weeks in total and they want her to use every single day, not 3/4 of it.
People dont always go about things in the best way. Discharging herself was bound to bring up questions about commitment however and now she needs to answer them to allay the worries that she wasnt ready to commit.
I really hope they dont send you home, however, I really cannot see why they would, funding is there, most hospitals dont discharge [unless there is a threat to the general theraputic environment by an individual] when funding is sitting waiting to be used.
There is a difference between being committed to recovery and miraculously recovering overnight. They will know that she cannot suddenly be better, and I really don't think they will be expecting that. It's about trying and showing that you are determined to engage and participate in all of the help and support they offer.
I agree that the way they went about telling her was a bit unfair. But I CAN understand where they are coming from. While expecting Helen to recover automtically would be ridiculous, there are PLENTY (the majority infact) of women who go to treatment and stay in treatment, they have a very deep commitment to recovery. Yes, Helen got scared and so she left, but that does bring her commitment into question even if it was only a temporary lack of commitment. I'm completely on Hel's side, but I can understnad where the treatment center is coming from ESPECIALLY because funding and beds are so hard to come by, a woman MORE commited to recovery could be there right now. I also think that by justifying all of Helens actions is enabling her to a certain degree, to say 'oh yes, leaving treatment was understanding. Engaging in behaviours is understandable' I don't think that that's helping, i feel like if i was in her place i would (and infact HAVE) use that 'understandable' as an excuse to keep engaging in behaviours and no body wants that. I think the right approach is 'okay, this happened, but now its time to move past and try something else because we can't sympathise you killing yourself'.
I love you to death Helen, and i miss our long long chats way back when, and I am always on your side. Keep fighting.
<3
im not enabling it, trust me when i say i was really upset when she left,& i let her know how upset i was & how it was not okay, but for someone who has such a severe degree of an ed, engaging in behaviors this early on is to be expected & i'm not going to rant at her about how upset i am that she still is, i focus on the positives she's doing.
I'm def not trying to attack you love! I'm not saying rant to her or anything like that, i just don't think any of us making excuses is a good thing. There's never an excuse to use behaviours, no matter how severe you ED is. I'm just speaking from experiance, i've been there and i know that tough love was really the best thing that anyone could ever do for me.
i dont excuse her behaviors, but i know that its not as easy as just stopping them, so of course shes going to slip up, anyone would. i dont say its okay for her to do them, i just think it is understandable, people slip up especially this early on. but we should, like you said, move on from it & support her into carrying on & getting back on track.
i think they are trying to do this to get Helen to fight.
i dont have an ED.i have other problems.But people have done this to me before [ie telling me theres no point in them giving me care, maybe i should be left to die etc cos if im gonna carry on like this i will anyway so they may as well leave me to it blah blah].
i still think its totally wrong and i dont excuse them one bit, im mortified, but i also think they may think its all they may feel they have left.
Helen is so very ill right now and they are probably just as scared as many of us for her.
They may think this is their only option, their only way left.Though i do think how they are dealing with it if this is the reason [to get her to fight] is inappropriate.
i am so sorry they have done this.i really hope they did it to try and make Hel fight though i already know she is trying her best and trying so hard.
i agree with Broken Blossom.i dont think anyone else meant bad or negative with any of their replies.At the end of the day im sure everyone just cares about Helen a great deal and wants to help her as much as they can.But i do think if we can help to support Helen to keep on the right track as much as we can for now that would also be great too.
Please do let us know how things go tomorrow when they speak to you or how you are earlier if you can Hel.We do care.A great deal.
Thinking of you both - Sarah and Helen.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Well now Hel just feels even more hopeless because of this, not motivated, because of how it comes across.
blah, really I'm in a bad mood so I'll leave this til tomorrow when I get any updates, rather not get into any arguments over what has been said, I know you all just care & Hel appreciates that a lot, so do I, so thanks.
Just spoke to her again, they pretty much said to her they don't know what to do with her, but there is something in place if she does go home - which right now, looks likely, unfortunately. :l
I dunno though, she's sounding really negative & she's saying it just isn't working for her, & that maybe the clinic by her will help her more because it's specialized in bulimia.
I just, I dunno.
we're both going to sleep now, so I'll update tomorrow.
(still visiting her, as if she is going home, they have to give her 24 hours notice, & if it's possible, I'll also be going there on Wednesday if she's going home & going back with her for a week.)
For some people, doing things gently and slowly works. But I suspect that for Helen, like it was with me for self harm, only tough love and pretty much having no other option works the best. Sometimes it takes a kick up the backside to wake you up and make you realise that it really is recover now and give it 100% or nothing.
Helen, what they said sounds so harsh I know, but please engage with them. People are saying they must not know how to deal with eating disordered people, but I think the opposite is true. They know first hand how devious and deceptive eating disorders can be, and how hard they can be to recover from in some people. They said to you what they felt you needed to hear, whether you wanted to or not. Let this be your wake up call.
I kept telling myself "this hospital isnt working for me, maybe X hospital will" and then "X hospital isnt working for me, maybe Y will" and it never ends. Do you really think another hospital is really going to be any easier? You will still have the same symptoms and mindset to recover from. And you only just got funding this time. If you are made to leave, do you think the funders will fund you again if they think you are not being compliant?
As I said, none of this is meant to hurt you but sometimes you need to hear things that you dont want to in order to make you think about what you really want.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
ugh. this is a shitty horrible thing to be played out on a message board. i wish there was something i could do. is nurse Frank still there? how about alison psychotherapist? christine vize still consultant? from my experience they all had their heads screwed on but only if you were prepared to submit to life without an ED/related selfdestructive behaviours.
i wish i had more words to support.
ugh (again) i dont know how to help. a fear i have it that we can only do this living thing for ourselves
please tell me if im making things worse
x
For some people, doing things gently and slowly works. But I suspect that for Helen, like it was with me for self harm, only tough love and pretty much having no other option works the best. Sometimes it takes a kick up the backside to wake you up and make you realise that it really is recover now and give it 100% or nothing.
Helen, what they said sounds so harsh I know, but please engage with them. People are saying they must not know how to deal with eating disordered people, but I think the opposite is true. They know first hand how devious and deceptive eating disorders can be, and how hard they can be to recover from in some people. They said to you what they felt you needed to hear, whether you wanted to or not. Let this be your wake up call.
I kept telling myself "this hospital isnt working for me, maybe X hospital will" and then "X hospital isnt working for me, maybe Y will" and it never ends. Do you really think another hospital is really going to be any easier? You will still have the same symptoms and mindset to recover from. And you only just got funding this time. If you are made to leave, do you think the funders will fund you again if they think you are not being compliant?
As I said, none of this is meant to hurt you but sometimes you need to hear things that you dont want to in order to make you think about what you really want.
This..... 110%.
This is possibily going to sound awful, but you know what, you will always 'think' that something else might work better for you.... It's just avoiding the problem, avoiding the real issues and avoiding facing them. I think they are being truthful and realistic with you and although that's really scary; I don't think they are wrong in doing so.
The people that have helped me the most have been the people that had made me think, made me want to run, made me want to scream, made me want to poke them in the eye, made we want to shout at them to tell them to shut the hell up; made me feel.....
It's scary, and it's going to be because it's facing something major - but it's quite possible you will always think 'Well Y isn't helping but X might'. Think about all the hope you had for this, you wanted IP Helen, and you have it - use it; it's such a fantastic chance to have and so many people would love it, you have it because you need it and because you deserve it. Don't waste it.
It's okay to be scared, it's okay to speak to staff about how you are feeling, it's okay to be honest and open about how rough it is, it's okay to find it difficult; but work with them and try.
Look at all these people posting, how many people believe in you and how many people care for you; try to use a little bit of other peoples' belief in you, to help you believe in you.
Look after yourself. xx
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
I hope they don't discharge Helen, I really think she needs as much support right now as she can get. I agree with the above though, the best support I ever had was from the people who pulled absolutely no punches and said it exactly as it was. It wasn't the ones who said *there there* or "understood" when I screwed up, it was the ones who held me absolutely accountable for every decision I made. It was the ones who told me when I was struggling with behaviours that I would be transferred to a secure unit if I didn't get it together. I'm sure they're intention isn't to be cruel to Helen.
Different units work differently and I have absolutely no knowledge about the place Helen is in, but the unit I was on must have been a little different because it just wasn't possible to continue using behaviours to the extent Helen has been able to, especially once they were aware that it was going on. In that sense, I may have had it easier in the beginning. I know you think that it's unreasonable for them to expect Helen to stop engaging in behaviours right away, and if she was in a less intensive environment I would absolutely agree. But honestly, that is exactly what they expect you to do when you're inpatient. I understand that Helen has a very severe eating disorder and it's not something that can be changed overnight. But everyone receiving inpatient treatment is extremely unwell, it's an overwhelming task for everyone in that situation. But Helen has to find a way through because she will die if something doesn't change. I'm not suggesting that Helen isn't committed to recovery at all, I know how hard she's fought for this, but a lot of units will discharge people who they believe aren't absolutely committed because some people simply aren't ready and other than stablising their physical health, being in hospital isn't helpful for them at that time and can actually do more harm than good to someone's mindset. It does have an effect on the other patients in the unit, it's very triggering to be in treatment alongside people you know are still engaging in behaviours. Helen needs to be absolutely honest, she needs to open up to them and make sure that the staff are left in absolutely no doubt that she wants this. She needs to totally give herself over to them and trust them if she is allowed to stay, because she knows that what she's doing herself isn't working for her. The thing that makes me angry in Helen's case is that they've been aware for most of the time she's been there that she hasn't able to take all the responsibility for keeping herself safe just yet and it surprises me that more wasn't done earlier to support her and help her to start to move forward, because I know that deep down, under all the crap her ED feeds her mind, she does want to get better.
I hope that they're just trying to stir things a little, you see how much someone wants something when you threaten to take it away from them. I hope that they're just trying to play devil's advocate and they're trying to push her to realise how much she wants this to give her more determination and fight to continue working with them. If that is their intention, it's a risky tactic, but it's one I've seen used many times with very positive effect and I'm sure they know what they're doing.
Thinking of you both,
RBT x
I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
Could explain the trouble that I'm always in...
i apologise if i seemed demotivating earlier - that wasnt the intent.
What do they see the benefit to Helen being in leaving/agreeing to leave?Because i think it could potentially be very litle or none and could infact make things worse.And encourage her to give up more cos she will have even less of the level of support she actually needs then [not that i unfortunately think she is totally getting the level of support she really needs at the hospital right now either though unfortunately and this saddens me greatly].And it is supposed to be Helens needs and best interests they are meant to protect.
i do almost wonder if they are doing this as some kind of warped and very badly thought out test of Helens commitment.i still think it totally wrong though and after she came back which must of been so hard to do i dont think they should have any doubts.Its just i wonder if it is a test cos you say they are asking her to leave not telling her.Its still totally wrong but i wonder if they actually want to see Helen put her foot down and demand to stay.i dont know.i may be wrong.But just a thought.
i do think though whatever the reason its so wrong they are doing this.i also think not knowing what to do with someone is not necessarily a reasonable reason to send someone home or ask them to leave especially in a situations like Helens wheres shes only just get there and it really is very early days especially in terms of recovery from her ED given how severe it is.
Helen you can and will do this.ive seen you fight.i just wish they would see how hard your fighting too.i really hope they do when they speak to you today and that they are at least prepared to give you more of a realitic chance cos this is just ridiculous and you must be feeling so upset.
i know how much youve fought for this and i know how tired you are.Please dont give up or let them turn you away/encourage you away easily.Please keep fighting.
And remember that you shouldnt have to fight for this treatment to help you recover and get better.But that if you do then you will also be fighting this horrific and horrible ED of yours.
And Sarah i think your a marvellous and amazing support as always.Thanks for keeping us updated.
xx
xx
Last edited by Sleepless123 : 17-08-2010 at 06:05 AM.
Reason: To add a bit
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
I think if someone is going to fight to go somewhere and get people invould then they should fight to stay too... I agree with loads if things on here, She should keep fighting x
<3
