Guys, I'm sorry about this. I have to get this out and don't know where to put it. So just skip over it all...
I know I keep going on about my work, but I'm really feeling like I can't do it. I thought I was doing with it all today, til I realised that what I've been doing today for the last 4 hours really should have only taken 1 hour at the most. Not even that. More like 30 mins. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't concentrate and I just can't cope. I don't knw what to do. I don't know how I can get through this without messing it up or failing. It just doesn't seem possible. I just don't know what to do. I need it all to go away. I'm scared of failing or not getting the degree I should. I just don't know what to do. All I'm thinking about is cutting or ODing and the state of my horrendous skin which is so hard to leave alone. I'm constantly checking facebook and my many email accounts and on here. Looking for something... I dunno what, just anything that will make me feel better. I dunno what I'm looking for but I keep looking anyway. Looking for something tomake it all better. I wanna leave and not come back. Run away from everything and everyone. I should be able to cope with this. Why can't I? I don't see anyone else almost in tears in the library. Everyone is stressed, so why is it affecting me so badly?? Because I'm weak. I'm so weak that I just can't handle a bit of stress. I never used to be like this. It's all just falling apart. Right at the point when I need to hold it together most. Part of me is glad that there is only 6 weeks left, but at the same time it's terrifying cos I haven't even finished writing my revision notes, let alone started learning them. Part of me wants to say f*ck it and leave. PArt of me is hoping that I could defer my exams and do them in spetember when it's the resit, but I don't want to just pass. I want to do well. And I know I won't be in a better state in a few months time anyway. I just don't know what to do. Why can't someone just take it all away? I just can't fail. I'll never forgive my weak minded self if I fail or don't get a 2:1.
Sorry about that guys. I really needed to feel like I was telling someone.
So anyways, how is everyone? Claire you still feeling all jittery? I get that too, its dead annoying!
Good luck getting everything sorted hollz! Hope everything goes ok with carri. I'm sure you'll have an awesome holiday!
How are you rowie? Also thanx for replying to my other thread
x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
Thanks, due to money issues my laptop is gonnae need to go into cash converters while I am away for the week, so just logging off now, might be able to get online when I am away, depends on internet connection, I am sure I will make it on at some stage anyhow.
I hope everyone stay safe and is okay and if anyone wants to talk, just pm or txt me okay and I will back on Thursday night, get in at midnight but I will probly be sad and sit up watching the election results, even though I wont be back in time to vote, but ahh well...
Love you guys and as I said stay safe and take care and I will be back before we all know it :)
xxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
dark faery, im so sorry that youre struggling with your work
but i need to say something...youre not weak hun. You said that alot in your post, youre not weak, you are poorly and struggling because of that.
Im not sure what to suggest, it may be worth trying the exam and then if you dont get the results you want, then take the resit in september
i was just wondering if there is anything you can take to alleviate some of the stress/anxiety to help you
me again...i feel so low and lonely and noones about
im meant to be meeting up with my sister to stop at my parents for a short while and i am looking forward to it but if i wasnt going i would be harming myself tonight. last nights wasnt enough and i feel really triggered into doing something. i need it so bad i need it so it means a trip to hospital, I want it to need stitches. i want to feel that sting and the hurt when they numb you...i want it all and im going to get it again soon. I crave the hurting myself. I am such a bad bad person and deserve all the punishment i give myself. I dont deserve good...i buy things for myslef but its not so i treat myself its so i get into debt which makes me suffer. I take myself to therapy but its not because i want help its because its tough and it hurts me to go through things...its a punishment. I see my doctor for the same reason too...and i will take myself to see the link worker again just so he can reject me again and then i can hurt myself over it......im warped and i am bad and i dont understand me and....well i know why i do it...for things that have happened and for things that dont happen in my life.....yeah, i think thats about it....been drinking but truths always come out with drink...it allows the words to flow freely doesnt it?......anyway, thats it xx
Evertime someone writes prn i keep readin it as porn :/
You arnt a bad person, its the cycle everyone gets in, they beilve they are bad and worthless and have to punish themselfs in order to be good, in order to feel something other than this. Sometimes pushing yourself in order to get help can be chanllaning and hard but even though you feel you are doing it for all the wrong reasons, deep down it will be doing you some good. The whole thing about getting better is you have to go through hell first to get there, you have to face everything you dont want to and it seems thats what you are doing, but you also feel its for different reasons. Be carful with the alcohol.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
does it mean medication? ha ha i think my minds warped :P Oh is it sad i got all excited in pro tools today because i found out i could change the colours of the tracks so rather than grey i can have a rainbow of colours :P
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
lol god mari if there was a fine for that we'd all be in extreme debt!
I'm ok, well okish, mum bought me a takeaway so obviously my plan to restrict went tits up and well....yeah, so i wont be the first to break mari's new rule
