Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

Yesterday I crashed, completely and totally. My husband dropped me home after we went to the GP and I fell asleep pretty much straight away. He and our house-mate got home to find me asleep and made several attempt to wake me. Eventually I made it to the bedroom and he kept coming in to check that I was okay. He also gave me my night meds but wanted to know if I had taken anything.... I feel bad in a way that he might think I OD'd but at least he knew I wouldn't lie to him. He even took my temperature a couple of times.. At least I got some sleep I suppose.

Now I just feel tired and sore, but at least I'm awake. *sigh*

[crazykat]

Thinking of you

[Kahlia1981]

Well this last week has been fun.... not.

My husband and I were out at my parent's place on Tuesday night to hear the news talking about a tropical low as a dangerous cyclone with gale forced winds and mass flooding. At that point the media was claiming that "possible cyclone Dylon" was going to cross the coast as a category 1/2 (depending which program and station) just south of Innisfail with mass devastation. Due to the way the media portrayed the "threat" the local population went nuts.

It is amazing to watch the "local" population when a crisis or threat has been announced. For the cyclone we are all advised to stock up on water, medication, tinned food, batteries - essential supplies - particularly when there is a possibility of blackouts and power loss. Most people when doing their "pre-threat panic buy" end up buying 30 litres of milk, and other foodstuffs that have to be cooked to be consumed.

One other thing is that, when in the path of a cyclone, we are asked to tape our windows and bring everything from outside inside. When, like this time, a cyclone happens at the same time as a king tide, we are advised to get sandbags ready and be prepared to evacuate to given locations.... For the block of units I live in this turned into people taping their window's with masking tape (which will definitely not stop the window smashing) and completely blocking the back entrance to the unit with tape, a plastic sheet, sandbags piled knee-high.

Sadly the cyclone ended up crossing the coast close to Bowen and for us it really was only the equivalent of a storm and some rain. Not really worth getting overly excited about. Please don't get me wrong, I do believe that reporting to the public that you have a tropical low on the verge of dropping to become a cyclone is important. What I do not believe is that the media should be able to use the possible cyclone in such a manner as to cause mass panic (or mass hysteria). Stating the facts is fine but don't call a tropical low a cyclone. We, personally, prepare for the season a long time before it begins. When there is no rush and stress we buy several litres of bottled water, food stuffs that can be cooked on our camping equipment etc.

I woke up this morning with an extreme stabbing pain shooting down from my right shoulder. After being up and about for a little bit the pain was becoming worse and the fingers on my right hand were alternating between numbness and tingling. I chucked my brace on because every time my arm was hanging "normally" by my side the colour in my hand was becoming more purple and the whole arm felt like it was being pulled down. My husband wasn't awake until several hours after the pain started and we had a massive discussion and some pain relief until we finally decided to take it to the hospital and let them deal with it. The hospital gave me more pain relief and took some x-rays before discharging me. Overall we think that, when the shoulder went back in this morning after slipping out, it managed to sit itself right on one of the nerves. Another thing for my GP to deal with.

I have to admit I'm over this week. At least I made it to Friday ....

[crazykat]

Sounds like things have been eventful but well done on getting through

[Kahlia1981]

My right shoulder and arm have been killing me all week. We saw the GP on Wednesday but he didn't have any suggestions. He did tell us to come back next week - especially if the pain and problems have not ceased. I don't have any idea what he can even do, but I guess he'll write and send yet another letter to the hospital. To be perfectly honest the trip to emergency should have flagged red on Dr Low's list but that doesn't mean it has...

I saw my pdoc again on Thursday and the worst thing was both my husband and I were struggling to stay awake. That's the worst part of early morning appointments. The next appointment is at a much better time of day but that brings its own problems..... Parking at the hospital is never easy to find and, generally, means you pay the same for half an hour as for a day. Leaving the cost of parking aside. Our session went well and we've had discussions about treatment options with specific attention to options for pregnancy.

It's also been a time when I've been switching quite a bit. My husband is now aware, or more aware, of when the switching is happening and when he is talking with one of the inners. He's learned how to get me back - at least most of the time. The kids are becoming more comfortable both with my husband and with our housemate and aren't too afraid to venture out. They also formed a large part of the session with the pdoc who hasn't had a patient quite like us before.

Right now I'm supposed to be at an audition but I'm not up to leaving the house and being around a large group. I've contacted the directors of the plays that I'm interested in auditioning for to, hopefully, get a private audition. I guess I have to just wait and see. From this point anything is possible and the worst case scenario is that they say no. Even a no will not kill me.

Tomorrow I'm going to the theatre to watch a local production with my mother. Thankfully it doesn't start until 16:00 so I don't have to worry about waking in time and it will end in the early evening so no late night. That's especially important as I do have an early start on Monday as mum takes me to a singing group. I guess it's kind of sad that I tend to feel more at home with the elderly ladies (and men) than with people my own age... What a freak...

Right now I just want to crash and disappear.

[Kahlia1981]

I am sad for no reason I can identify.... As I am having strong urges towards both self harm and the path that leads to anorexia I'm not sure but am certain that the next few days are not going to be overly pleasant. Somehow I don't want to think or feel anymore, but I do want to stop putting food in to my body and force myself to exercise to the extent of my ability. I want to walk, to jog, to run, to do both zumba and take no until I collapse. Maybe this is the time for me to push myself further than ever before. From here on the lies will begin to my family and friends. No one will know until it becomes too late. No one will stop me or get in my way. The only other option is death, which I do not and will not fear. Until the depression lifts I will force myself to work towards becoming what I know I can be. I'm a failure now and my only hope is to become what society wants me to be. The pain will never again end... Never.

[crazykat]

I hope your pain subsides soon, it must be hard to deal with. I am glad your session with your pdoc went well and that you were able to discuss various treatment options. Good luck with getting a private audition. Your not a freak I prefer spending time with people older than me too. While it is not pleasant to be struggling with those urges it is good that you can recognize they are there because it allows you some choice in which way you go. Stay strong

[Kahlia1981]

I took my husband to his first appointment with my old - but his new - psychiatrist. Altogether it went well. Both the receptionist and the pdoc remembered me. My husband seemed to cope well..... The pdoc supported both his diagnosis and his current medication regimen. Dr R suggested quarterly appointments unless there is an emergency. That works well for us too because we have time to arrange the $250 between visits.

As an extra bonus we no longer have to worry too much about organising the refund as it should either be put straight into our account, or mailed to us. That may not seem much of a difficulty but paying at the pdocs then chasing all the way to Medicare to sit/stand in the waiting room before having Medicare either bank our refund or decide to give us cash. This process can be a day long affair when your appointment is at 09:00 am...

Shaft, my large, night flowering cacti, flowered again last night. This has been the fourth flower he's put forth so far; 18 November 2013; 25 December 2013; 27 December 2013; and now again 09 February 2014. Once again the flower was amazing. Sadly though we weren't able to sit up all night to photograph it. Our, and the worlds, loss. At least we have been lucky enough to see it in our lifetime.

Now too sleep.

[Kahlia1981]

Something is not right within the system today. I can feel fear from my inners with no idea what is causing or has caused it. Last night I apparently saw someone in our room and went into a panic but I have no memory of it as I (myself) was not there. That doesn't even seem to make sense. Right now I'm gently trying to find a way to calm the kids down but also to understand what they are going through. My fear is that I am starting to flashback and remember things that have lain buried for many years. Without someone to guide me through, to guide all of us through, I'm not sure I/we can make this journey. But I have to believe we can come out the other side. May the pieces of the puzzle fall together quickly and as painlessly as possible.

[Kahlia1981]

Last night one of my inners came out and spoke with my husband. From the information he has passed on apparently one of my younger inners was out and, on the verge of sleeping, believed that our childhood abuser was in the room and going to hurt us. All of the inners are terrified that he has found us and is going to punish us for speaking about it. The kids are too frightened to come out - especially when our house-mate is home. I don't know what to do to calm them down but my husband and I are trying to ensure that they are (and will be) safe when they do come to the surface, and to assure them that he is not here, does not know where we live or even what we look like. The fear is, to a large degree, debilitating at present, and I'm just trying to get by - partly by surrounding myself (and the kids) with calming things.

I am having trouble thinking straight. I think that is just because I have not had to deal with the DID itself for very long as it has only really reasserted itself recently, and then having to deal with all the flashbacks and memories of events that I would have preferred to remain hidden in the past - never to be seen in the light of day again. Ever. Hopefully we have the strength to get through this trial, without taking everyone else down with us.

[Kahlia1981]

I've finally decided that it is time for me to get ECT as the situation with my nanna is worsening. So... tomorrow morning I am heading down to Vegas once again. To be perfectly honest I don't want to go. This will be my first trip down since my alters have decided to return... and none of them want to. We are all extremely nervous about the alters coming out while I'm down in hospital. I'm not sure, most of the time, how to keep them in check and I'm not sure how the staff and patients will react down in Brisbane if they do decide to appear. Right now I am even more anxious than I normally am at this point.

[crazykat]

I hope the ECT goes okay, thinking of you

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks hun.

Well I now have two treatments to go before I head home. I'm counting down the days to be honest. On Tuesday afternoon I'm going over to the shops to buy the beads I want to get. So happy that this trip is almost over......

I can't wait until I get home....

Mind you, I have a whole stack of stuff I need to fix up for uni... For some reason nothing uni related is working as it should. Men...

[Kahlia1981]

Well I flew home yesterday after going through my 6-course ECT. Late yesterday afternoon I felt as if my mood had plummeted. To be honest it was kind of as if the world had dropped out from underneath my feet and I was surrounded by a depression so deep it would be easy to cave in. Since then I have found myself either in tears or close to tears for no obvious reason and I can't seem to shake the despair. No matter what I try to do I keep thinking that I would be better of (and happier) dead.

Please don't get me wrong, I am very glad to be home with my husband once again, it's just that for some reason I feel happy for longer than a couple of minutes. My husband is trying his best to help me to feel okay and there is still a chance that my mood hasn't completely come up after the ECT yet - it sometimes takes a week or so for me to get the most out of my treatment.

Uni is still driving me up the wall. For both of the subjects I am undertaking this semester there are no recorded lectures. That may not sound like much of an issue, but when you live more than 2000 miles away from the university you attend it does create frustration and encourages an increase in stress levels. At this point I am intending to look at the previous years for my subjects and to download the lecture videos from there if any are present.

Maybe I just need some sleep and to begin working on my uni subjects as the last two weeks have not really made it possible to do much in the way of study.

On that point... I ordered my textbook for my Marketing subject today and, believe me, that was no easy talk either. Part of the reason for that is that I like to buy my textbooks new as other people's pencil markings are not my cup of tea. (Having said that I don't even mark my own textbooks so it isn't surprising that I can't handle using a book that someone else has defaced.) Whilst looking for the textbook in question I came across a website that offered second-hand copies of the text ranging from about $35 to $100+. Even with all that I still bought a brand new, never before used, copy... and am very happy that I did so.

I missed my husband so much whilst I was away, and want him to come with me the next time I head down. I have also been advised that, due to the problems I have with my back, I should request a bed that will provide suitable support when I next head down in order to stop me having more severe problems and pain. During the two weeks I was down in hospital I struggled more than seven mornings completely unable to move my legs due to the pain in my spine. Fingers are crossed that I will be able to get once of the special beds the next time I head down. I guess that if I get my referring doctor (or an extra note from my GP) to mention that problem I have, at the very least, a good chance of being offered one of those special beds.

Here's hoping.......

[crazykat]

I hope that things improve for you soon, it sounds like things have been pretty tough. I am glad that your husband is being supportive though. That would be frustrating, I hope you can find some lectures. Thinking of you

[Kahlia1981]

Well I awoke this morning once again struggling to move my legs. It took me about 10 minutes to get myself onto my side so I could actually get out of bed. The pain situation is not getting any better so I'm hoping that my GP has some suggestions when we see him on Wednesday. I really couldn't care less what he decides to do as long as there is some relief from the pain.

On the positive side of things though I managed to be "awake" when I woke up. The last few days of my stay in hospital I found it extremely difficult to get out of bed due to the tiredness. No idea why..... What hasn't changed, unfortunately, is my low mood. Again I have no idea why my mood is so low, but I'm still holding onto the hope that it is just going to take a week or so for the ECT to have its full effect.

Given the difficulties I have been having with uni I wrote an email to my disability contact earlier today. For one thing I asked why on campus students were given the advantage of lectures whilst off campus students were expected to do it all on their own. I have pretty much stated that if this situation was not rectified I would be happy to take my studying elsewhere. That may not sound like much of a threat as they would have hundreds of students (and plenty to take my place I'm sure) but no university can really afford to lose a straight HD student - especially as I made it clear that I would take myself to another university without hesitation.

Now we just have to sit back and wait to see what happens.... I am so tired of fighting for equal rights and equality in general. Why should I be punished for living so far away from the university? Surely every student that undertakes the subject should be given the same advantages????

Meh.

[crazykat]

I hope your GP can manage to sort something out. Also I hope the disability person gets back to you with a positive result. Best of luck

[Laura2.0]

Hope the appointment with the GP is going to be useful and they have a solution to the leg problem.

I think it isn't fair of the uni to have off campus students get all the information on their own while on campus students get lectures. What kind of a uni system is that anyway? If you study at a uni then you should get to go to lectures, that's the point of studying isn't it? If you wouldn't want lectures that you could just do your research on your own on the internet.

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks. The saga with disability and university is still going on but I've managed to get a medical certificate lasting until the end of the week so some of the pressure is off a little.

Laura: The biggest part of the problem is with my spine. I have some spinal issues that mean that if I am in one position too long or my bed isn't supportive enough I become unable to move from the waist down. The issue with lack of lectures for off campus students does not make me want to continue my degree at that university but I'm allowing myself a couple of days to cool down before striking out and leaving my course.

My mood is dropping again. Pretty much all day today all I have wanted to do is either sleep or kill myself. I'm trying to keep things under control but I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can cope. My husband keeps telling me to just hang in there because it can take a week or more for the full effects of the ECT to take place but I'm finding that extremely frustrating. Right here and now I'm starting to think that he hates me because I'm so down.

*sigh* I would dearly love to just crawl into bed and not wake up for a couple of days....

[Laura2.0]

*hugs* I'm sure your husband loves you.