Unfortunately don't see him in person much. Last night I so wanted to give him a hug and was sad I couldnt. He visits UK once or twice a year and will stay with me for 3 - 4 days during that visit. I used to fly out to visit him once a year as well but havent been able to since 2019 as first there was pandemic and now FND and asthma means flying/travelling isn't currently feasible. We do video chat every 2-4 weeks though for an hour to two hours plus ad-hoc messaging in between (I get sent many cute dog photos!).
Even though therapy itself might be scary / session could have consequences it feels a positive thing. Though this last week have been rough between feeling vulnerable and the knock on impact on FND. I am learning things about myself and getting more in touch with my emotions. Have also noticed an increase in motivation and a reduction in non epileptic seizures. Still early days but therapist feels like a safe person and a knowledgeable person. Therapist also said that while we need to take our time to build a safe place before doing EDMR she does think I seem ready for therapy.
I'm glad you found a therapist that you feel comfortable with. That is the basic thing needed for a good therapeutic relationship and getting some good work done.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Therapy today was less destabilising although still had an impact. But grounding etc.is helping more than it was last week not quite as scared / maybe expressed the scared more during the session? I am glad I feel safe being vulnerable around her as some moments today felt very vulnerable when I was scared and being scared made me feel younger which made me feel more scared.
Progress but therapy isn't easy for sure.
Last edited by long road : 12-11-2024 at 12:43 AM.
You're doing great exploring things and doing your best to manage the feelings that brings up. Keep going. I'm glad you're not just as distressed after this session.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Struggling. Not sure how to put it into words but I just want it all to stop. The pain, the voices, the memories/flashbacks. Very overwhelmed right now.
Last night was really rough and I ended up harming. Therapy today help settle me a bit but still struggling under some extra stress due to health stuff. Therapist said to work hard at grounding. But I am scared to be in the present because pain is so bad.
I'm so sorry everything is so huge and overwhelming. You do have a lot going on so it's understandable to feel this way. Did you look after your self harm? How are things today?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am feeling like a scared little kid and breaking out in tears every now and again although not able to cry for long before I shut down. Scared started after therapy on Monday but hadn't been quite right for a few days before
Am being kind to myself and my inner child and looking after us as best I can. Inner child me has been more prominent than adult me so harder to think straight. Been doing what feels safe even if it means acting a bit childish. Lots of cuddly animals snuggles, listening to kids audiobooks, watching nice Christmas TV or kids TV.
Sleep is messed up can't seem to get to sleep before 4am. Just can't settle.
Have come very close to cutting a few times but just about stopped myself
Sorry things are so hard. I guess this comes with doing therapy but I hope it will all be worth it. Sounds like you're doing lots of good things to look after yourself. I know it can be hard not to cut when you're going through so much and especially if you get very close to doing it so very well done for not going through with it. I think you can manage without it. Are you managing to get some sleep even if it's not at the times you would prefer?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am hoping it will be worth it with therapy. We are looking to start EDMR in the new year.
I am doing my best it just doesn't seem enough.
Am getting some sleep it's just completely off schedule (4am/5am - 12/1pm) with the odd nap. Which isn't bad most people would be happy with 8 hours but I need around 10 because of FND fatigue. Sleep is also more disturbed than usual waking up multiple times, nightmares etc.
Yesterday was a better day was my anniversary and managed to celebrate with my partner. We went out for a meal. Had tough bits as well but at least was more grounded in my adult self.
Today in a lot of physical pain and finding that is making me dissociate
All you can do is your best. I can see you're trying so hard to manage everything. Happy Anniversary for yesterday :) I'm glad you were able to do some nice things. Are you taking the painkillers you're allowed to take? Don't be suffering if there is something you can do about the pain.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I have run out of my prescription painkillers which is challenging. So haven't been taking painkillers as much as needed. Have a few leftovers of the same painkillers at a higher dose (which I am allowed just went on lower dose due to side effects) but can take in an emergency.
I requested new ones of my usual does but as they are prn they aren't on my usual repeats so having to wait for them to be approved differently. And they haven't been yet. Going to put in an econsult tomorrow to try and solve it. But scared about having to advocate for myself regarding opiates in case they think I am an addict even though I have a valid reason for taking them.
Things are unstable. Some good things but easily overwhelmed and back into struggle mode. Flashbacks have not been helping with that.
Running out of meds is never good. And it always seems to be complicated to sort things out. I hope you can get what you need soon, I'm sure they will know you take them for valid reasons. How are you looking after the psychological side of things?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Not looking after psychological side of things as well as perhaps I should. But trying my best. It's a struggle to find energy / motivation to do things that may help.
Making sure I meditate I aiming for a twice a day at the moment but mostly only managed once a day. Been doing breathing exercises when anxiety hits but they haven't been having a big effect. Been getting racing heart etc. Distraction works but then when I get tired/ stop using distraction I fall apart again.
Still really struggling with sleep. And as well as still not getting to sleep until late it's not that I am not tired but a combination of pain, restless/anxiety and voices keeping me awake.
Got very confused with all shouting from voices and dissociation last night which was unpleasant ended up feeling scared and little. I did manage to use a belpline web chat to try and help but FND meant it go thard to look at screen so stopped.
Just quite close to capacity so easily getting overwhelmed / falling apart it would seem.
Partner is aware. He is helping as best as he can but it's hard when I refuse suggestions. Even when he uses my coping techniques chart. He has been good at just sitting with me so I am not alone and giving me space to call helplines when I don't feel able to talk to him. He has been very good at adapting to when my inner child is out.
I am managing. Just confusing and overwhelming.
Last edited by long road : 19-12-2024 at 09:44 PM.
