The Borderline Personality Disorder Thread

[~Grace~]

I dont go abroad anymore or have family holidays in hot climates because noone...not even my hubby has seen my scars. I hate myself for it because i feel i am denying my children a wonderful opportunity. This year we're going to Ireland. I really hate myself for it.....i really do

[Bleeding Angel]

Ive been wondering about the scars, when i go back to uni and meet new people what do i say? i cant hide it, but sometimes the truth is more offputting.

[hellz]

its difficult though. i would never let my little sisters see my scars cos they wouldnt understand but it breaks my heart because they love swimming and i can see the hurt on their little faces when i explain that i cant take them to the pool. u shouldnt feel guilt hun for a start ireland will be fab its an amazing country and its probably better for kids not to have to see someone they love with so many scars

thanks for ur support.
dbt therapist is thinking im dissociating alot im scared wat this means
its cumin up to examss im just generally in dark place byt happy face is on

[Hollz]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

thats all

[Bleeding Angel]

i know i feel like banging my head agaisnt the wall, seriously.

[Hollz]

im already there, thank fuk for the wine

[hellz]

morning everyone how are u all? i had a disaster of a night, couldnt sleep then once i did i kept having nightmares and really freaky dreams. and its got me all unsettled. then i found out my mums going to be stuck in cuba for a few days cos of all the flight cancellations, and im meant to be going back home tonight. ugh sounds really immature but i just want my mum today as im scared of staying on my own at home.

[ferretmonster]

Mari, i told some of the ppl at uni and they were fine with it, uni is a great place to be able to be yourself x

[Bleeding Angel]

I dont know, i mean people found out when i stopped hiding it or they guessed, infact alot of people guessed before i could even tell them. But it just cause alot of trouble, you know people not knowing what to do or say and doing the wrong thing, or worser just walking away. So i dont know what im going to do.

But i dont want to be knowen as the mentally ill person, because i dont know how im going to be going back. But that seems to be all i am. I was talking to someone i didnt know and they went on about how they had a mentally ill gf and they broke up because of that and i couldnt help feeling like i was hiding a big secret again.

But right now i dont know who i am or what i want to do anymore, i dont know if im ill right now or if im not, i cant tell because it all blurs together.

Hellz i know it can be scary but it will be ok on your own, or coul you not stay at your sisters?

[ferretmonster]

yeah i do know what u mean, i had some good friends at uni and ok i didnt wear short sleeves as a general rule but in my shared house they all knew, as did my closest friends but then alot of them were goths or alternatives in some way so ..maybe i was just lucky, you do whatever u feel comfortable with hun

[~Grace~]

just did a stupid thing and started reading my journal on here from two years ago.
It made me realise that with all the therpay ive had and with dbt......nothing has bloody changed.
And if it hasnt changed with all that help..then its not going to change is it?
This is my 'lot'.
This is where im at and this is it where I stay
Ive had 5 years of therapy, with two different therapists...am I that stuck in my ways that none of it has helped?
This has really affected me
I get my stitches taken out tomorrow, i would have taken them out myself but my hubby wouldnt let me..
its something ive done before and its easy to do so i dont know what the problem is..but there ya go.
Ill go with the flow to keep him happy.
But no stitches means i can cause grief on my arm again and feel that relief.

Not sure what the point of this post is....I guess just to say that things are dire in my head and in my life and that nothing is going to change that

[Hollz]

How is everyone doing today, I am just up, had a text from my cuz from early doors this morning asking if I wanted to go out to Ayr for the day, and thats me just got it, oops. She is bored, my aunt and uncle were meant to be home from lanzarote on Thursday, but they are still stuck there.

I know this is me up late, but I always seem to sleep or stay in bed for about 12 hours after going to bed, I just don't know if thats the effect that the quetiapine has on me, but I need to be up early doors tomorrow for going back to work, so I am worried I will sleep in. I might need to be in bed for 9 tonight, ooft.

[Hollz]

Hun its best you don't take the stiches out yourself, just wqait till tomoz. I was reflective last night and was reading stuff as well, I don't know, at the end of the day hun the past is the past, we just need to take things a day at a time now and hope that today will be better than yesterday.

**hugs**

[x-dying-inside-x]

hi everyone.
how are you?
I cant believe i went to work this morning but i guess it was better than me sitting indoors.

[~Grace~]

Thanks hollz xx

I just feel its never ending. I mean, am i wasting my money seeing a therapist...when they havent worked for the past five years?
And i know its not working because i feel exactly the same as i did two years ago when i read my old journal...i feel stagnant.

Yeah we should take one day at a time...but all my days are the same and theres never any improvement from one day to the next.

Maybe im having an 'off' day when everything looks bleak.

[~Grace~]

Hi daniella...how are you hun? xx

[x-dying-inside-x]

i'm not too bad, i really need to start my c/w but i just don't have the energy!
I've sold 5 breakdown at work in the last two days i've been there so everything is on the up at work for once.
how are you hunny?

[Hollz]

I know Rowie hun but we need to have a litle hope that tomoz will be a better day, coz if we don't have that, then I doubt any of us would wanna get up...

I am going back to work tomoz, doing 9-1 and many alarms will be set, still kinda dreaing it even though I know tomoz I will be sitting with my supv who will be getting me up to speed with any changes and stuff that there has been, I know I will be okay once I am in, just a bit worried about being off for nearly 3 months you know and what people think, well its not like I been sunning myseld off on full pay, I been on SSP and its like nothing, anyway....going to go get dressed and fo to the rents for dinner, see my wee princesss...

Back online laters, hugs to you all xxx

[x-dying-inside-x]

i understand what you mean hunny, i was sooo scared when i went back to work before chrismas but everyone welcomes me back with open arms and im sure they will you hunny.
Just think positive!