Hey guys, sorry I haven't been around for a while. Been changing meds and struggling with the side effects/ withdrawal. I've been groggy and drowsy for a while which has numbed my brain a bit but everything's starting to come back now. I haven't switched for a week or so which is good because I find it really frightening but I'm still dissociating way too much.
Where I live sucks, basically. NAMI does not have enough interest or funding in VA to continue with In Our Own Voice. The whole ****ing state. Well I won't let that stop me. I'm going to educate by myself if I have to. Just watch me.
Sorry, Ariel one of our littles posted there she is having a hard time with flashbacks and is very scared we are doing our best to try and calm her down but she is so upset .
the rest of us are doing ok mostly
Losing a lot of time lately. In therapy on Monday, I thought I had only been talking for five minutes, but it had been 45 minutes. My therapist said ''Wow, you're really having trouble with time." I'm thinking, no ****. She knows I have DID, was the first one to suggest it and test it out and recommend other doctors to fully diagnose it. is she forgetting or something?
I'm really depersonalized at the moment. My focus is all blurry, feel distanced from the universe, I guess it's a way for my body and mind to distance itself from the **** that's going on around me. It's become too automatic that it's actually scary... See I will recall the fact that I went into town or went to the football but I wont remember any details of that time... I feel the best way to describe this for me is feeling 'Out of It'...
Ooo I have that too... from conversations with my doctor we have concluded that derealism and depersonalisation are the 2 things I get... so half the time I'm either feeling like I'm on auto-pilot or just not really real... I'll go somewhere or do something and I'll remember no details, sometimes I'm not even 100% that I remember doing the thing at all and that I'm not just piecing it together and assuming that I did the thing...
though recently I've started to simply loose time and just have no idea at all what happened or what I did during said time...
I'm really depersonalized at the moment. My focus is all blurry, feel distanced from the universe, I guess it's a way for my body and mind to distance itself from the **** that's going on around me. It's become too automatic that it's actually scary... See I will recall the fact that I went into town or went to the football but I wont remember any details of that time... I feel the best way to describe this for me is feeling 'Out of It'...
Does anyone else experience what I experience?
Lyssie xx
I do that too. Like I feel so distanced from the memory that I feel it isn't mine. Or I only remember that I went somewhere and not the details.
*waves to everyone*
Hey,
We've been away for a while, 'cause we've just moved out of home and the internet hasn't been set up in the new place yet. We try to get online when we can.
A lot has been going on....
Facet,
Perhaps your therapists comment was more her realizing just how much you were losing time, not just noticing it, if that makes any sense. The losing time can be really problematic and distressing, as you know. We're sorry it's causing trouble for you at the moment.
How are you otherwise?
Hope you are doing alright...
Lyssie,
Yeah, we have that problem a lot, do you find anything in particular helps?
*plugs grounding, DBT and mindfulness again*
Bobbiwib,
We know what you mean, even if things are going alright, maintaining the balance and peace within is very draining.
We are feeling really good about our new place.
We share with friends whom we trust, it's convenient (close to transport and shops), comfortable - it's great.
But ugh, things have been hard.
Quite a bit of lost time - more than usual. On Friday... We had our art therapy group, the topic was 'Addictions' which was a toughie...
We were addicted to a combination of drugs from 13, amphetamines and MDMA, LSD, cocaine and weed or alcohol when none of the above were available. Also some forced addictions through abuse...
But that was alright to deal with in the session.
Unfortunately we have some members of the group who are quite untrustworthy. One keeps going on about her '1 month heroin addiction' and 'fear of relapse'. Some (people with any clue) of the other adolescents in the group know this is bull, and so do the facilitators, which is a good thing, but it's incredibly invalidating. She also breaks one of the main group rules about confidentiality; 'what is said in the group stays in the group'.
But our hood (on our jacket/hoodie) was up by 11:00am. It's a protective/defensive thing we do when we are feeling unsafe/distressed. We were having issues, Ash not being quite sure why, and the majority of us others not sure either.
We also talked about 'Shame' in relation to addictions and in it's own right. That was a trigger. Talking about 'secrets'
We, well Ash mostly had written a letter to our very close friend (and housemate) about some things that he felt he couldn't say directly to her, talking about trust and secrets (stuff that had come up in conversation) and that had been quite difficult, and then the shame/secrets stuff in art therapy exacerbated the situation.
So it was a rough art session. Though we made a little wolf character (out of a strange sort of das come clay come plasticine stuff either representing our addiction, or a sort of mascot to combat/confront the addiction; that was good and helpful.
We also had our T session right after which was a relief at first, but got very intense. Some parts from a deep network- which has been named ntl2 -network labyrinth 2 or something or rather - were close to the surface influencing us, and we used that opportunity to try and communicate with them/make some connection, but it seemed impossible.
Ash talked (with influence from some from ntl2) about when we were hurt around eas*er time. T knew very little about it, thought we were just picked up by coincidence and 'bashed'. We knew that these were people who had hurt us before; for a long time; abuse that parts deeper down held memories of.
But we couldn't share it with T. dont tell dont tell dont tell.
Ash kept on twitching - a very strong sudden tic of the head/neck like there was a big battle going on inside.
A lot of parts inside were terrified of saying anything, but terrified of being hurt again. Conflict. Not much was said - but at this point Ash was twitching, shaking, having trouble speaking/hearing and T was concerned. Suggested admission, encouraged the idea. That freaked everyone out even more. Last time we were hurt we were on leave from hospital, and were dumped out the back entrance. She asked if we could tell her anymore (though our time was up) that she didn't want to press us, but she was concerned and said that if there were people out there that were hurting us, we needed to go to the police... she also said that if we couldn't tell her, could we try writing it down to give her, or send her a text. She encouraged us to organize getting picked up rather than taking public transport... She was very good.
Turns out we should have taken her advice. ash-
when i got home - after i'd watched some DVDs with our roomies, i went into my room and i tried to do some writing for t, tried to get out anything i could remember, anything. I felt needed to tell her about the people that hurt us. Desperately wanted her to understand.... but parts kept on getting upset, yelling/screaming/crying/scared whispering and ripping up the writing. most of it was destroyed except one last bit that i've hidden.
Then i blacked out, switched. came to in the morning with an aching arm. Rang mum and told her i needed to see a Dr, she was already at a clinic (bad chest pains) so step dad came and picked us up and dropped us there.
My arm was already wrapped when i woke up, and i hadn't seen it. The dr at the clinic said they were too understaffed to stitch it all up and sent us to A&E. Luckily we have private health insurance so mum took us private. The Dr was absolutely lovely, which is so uncommon in self-inflicted cases, and we waited just an hour. 59 stitches later we left.
We are wrecked. Trying to hold it all together. We messaged T as soon as we discovered the cuts, on Saturday around midday, it's now Sunday 10:55pm and we haven't heard back. She said for us to message her, and now she hasn't responded.
We've got the 'she isn't trustworthy, she doesn't care, she doesn't understand, she hates us and is going to leave' going round and round.
So we're struggling.....
Sorry for the essay.
lostboys
Depersonalisation is so bad I don't feel well physically and I can't seem to make mucyh out... I am really physically and emotionally drained that I just want to block everything out. Not getting enough sleep which is far from helping (get woken early morning by my stepdad's loud gob and this morning was him starting up his motorbike at 8:30... jeeeez)! I am trying to read a mindfulness book but how can I when I'm this depersonalised???!?!?! It's just not possible I don't think.
Ok so I've read this post a few times but I still can hardly remember what is in it... I'm trying so hard to be 'with it'... help, it's such a horrid feeling!?!?
lostboys - I'm sorry for what happened. Did T ever get back to you? How are you feeling now?
Lyssie, have you seen the grounding techniques? :) theyre very helpful and could be worth a try!
we're struggling again. we had the worst flashback ever last night - it went on so long, and it was as if we were paralysed. it was about patrick, our best friend afterwards lottie stole £40 from our mum's purse and tried to run away. she bought a train ticket to salisbury but fortunately there weren't many trains. when patrick got to bromley to find us, she got on the first bus that came and ended up in sevenoaks. Patrick took us home but it meant that he didn't get home until 3am and he had to be up at 7. very naughty of us :(
I can hear Seffy and Lottie whispering. It's like Seffy isn't even a part of me - she's a part of Lottie. She's a stranger, and I don't really like it
sorry
lara
sorry i dunno if im allowed to write here. just upset.. everythings scary. i have to be a grown-up but thats not fair cos im closer to lotties age than to charlies
i guess i wanted to ask.. do i grow up? do i get to mature and be able to deal with it? i dont have a birthday but thats just a date right? i know it wont make much difference cos roberta is scared a lot of the time too but its unfair that i have to feel like this cos she didnt have to feel like this when she was my age. i guess thats pretty selfish but i cant help it im scared all the time and everything hurts. i also have a question for any younger "alters" out there: do you ever have problems with hormones and stuff? i mean this is pretty embarrassing to say but ive had like feelings and urges and stuff that i dont think im supposed to have. cos im only just a teenager but im in a body thats nearly 20... the others too cos i know lottie was attracted to robertas boyfriend and even tried to kiss him and shes only 10 and she was 9 at the time so that cant be right can it? also periods and stuff. she doesnt know what to do about periods she just tries to sit on the toilet until it stops and of course it doesnt.
so yeah i was just wondering if anybody had any experience or imformation on these two things
thank you
Last edited by bobbiwibble : 04-08-2009 at 04:17 PM.
Reason: lara
![[Fog]'s Avatar](images/avatars/12 - Copy.gif)
