Life, please... no more

[crazykat]

You are human, your struggling but that doesn't mean your not human. You have to remember that humans aren't perfect. When do you next see your psych? Keep fighting hun, you are worth it

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks.

J is back and loud... screaming in my head. Yesterday my fiancee drugged me out so that I didn't have to deal with it. Today I haven't had that luxury - although my fiancee has advised me several times to just knock myself out. While it would be easy to do I don't want to lose the rest of the week the same way I've lost what has already passed.

My laptop cracked the sh*ts giving us a BSOD this morning. When we tried to run a "memtest" to check the memory it had more than 25 million errors on a specific stick. In the end we shut it off and tested all the sticks individually. Then the bastard wouldn't start at all and we had to play around until we could get the laptop to actually turn on. Eventually we removed two of the sticks leaving me with 8GB of RAM and are arranging replacements on the other two sticks.

*sigh* I really want to disappear or die right now. Well, the urge to die has been around for quite some time but right now it would be so easy to give in. I do want to see my grandparents before I die though, and they should be up here by the end of next week. *sigh*

[crazykat]

Have you tried listening to music through headphones to help drain out J? Your doing really well to fight this.

That's crappy about your laptop but it's good you can get it sorted. I think I would just have a meltdown if something happened to my computer, I know nothing about computers lol. Keep fighting hun, you will get through this

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: My ipod and headphones are about the only things that have kept me alive for quite some time now. It's hard to switch off the internal ears - if that makes sense. The only problem then is that my ears get sore from the constant pressure of the headphones. Studying isn't easy with J screaming at me either. *sigh*

The laptop is working okay, although my fiancee has attached a second keyboard because my "d" key is malfunctioning. Apart from the change in angle for typing it's working out okay. I can't wait for the replacement RAM to come in though... working on half RAM makes the complex computations required for some applications a bit slow, but she gets there in the end.

Now I really need to both charge and change the music on my ipod as it's been attached to my ears for several days now. *sigh*

[Kahlia1981]

Well the laptop has been wiped and re-installed. We've spent most of the day installing drivers and programs but now the data is all back on there and the job is done. I even installed my copy of Dragon Naturally Speaking which took quite awhile because I had to download a free upgrade. Thankfully that's all ready now, I just have to find my headset and I'm ready to go. Actually... I think I might get myself another headset because I'm not even sure my old one still exists.

The dresses for my flowergirls and our ring-bearer have now been ordered, and we're expecting them to arrive by the end of this week. Unfortunately we had to make a change in one of the dresses from the one we wanted, but hopefully my fiancee's daughter will like the one we chose for her...

My brother-in-law is making our barefoot sandals for the beach. I'm really quite grateful as it will cost us less, but it means we'll have to wait and see what he creates. He's really good with his hands and creative. He makes his own chain mail, completes electronic projects and makes jewellery. He's seen the sandals we were looking at online, and did a proof of concept sandal for my youngest niece and it looked great. Hopefully he'll be able to make it so they don't need a fastener but are instead on elastic. Mine will be the most complex as I am having a double wrap-around sandal.

Speaking of my brother-in-law... He posted a photo on FB that included my sister, my youngest niece and my maternal grandparents. It almost made me cry. My parents left town this morning to drive down to my grandparents place in Buderim. They are going to take their time driving both down and back again, but when they come back they'll have nanna and grandpa with them. The granny-flat is all clean and ready for them to move in. I have seriously conflicting emotions regarding this. On one hand, I'm glad that I'll be able to spend time with both my nanna and my grandpa before... Well, before it becomes too late. Having said that, I also wish in some ways that it had happened with them away so I didn't have to see it. *sigh* I don't even know if that makes sense.

Yesterday I thoroughly cleaned the kitchen, including pulling everything out of all the cupboards. This morning I completely cleaned both the bathroom and toilet - before my fiancee was even out of bed!! That leaves us with only the bedrooms and the lounge/dining room to clean before our inspection on Wednesday. We are thinking that the Director of the Real Estate Agency is pretty pissed with us, and that is why we had (legally) insufficient warning of the inspection. My fiancee thinks that the Property Manager who will be inspecting will be brutal and step outside the lines of what they are (again, legally) entitled to do. So, we will be prepared.

At this point J is still really loud and clear. It feels like my medications aren't working, but I suspect that the current stress we are under is a major contributor. Considering the situation with our neighbours there is a lot of stress involved in just doing things like sitting outside and having a cup of tea! When you add in the stress from the wedding on top of that... and the stress from uni, et cetera. I guess we'll see when the stress begins to become lower.

All of the lectures I have for my subject I have now watched. I'm intending to watch them once more before my exam in mid-August. In addition, I'm creating a glossary of terms and acronyms required for the subject and am making notes as directed by the lecturer. Considering my lowest grade in the coursework for this subject was 83 and I had three assignments come in with 100% results, I'm hoping and trying to bring this subject home with a HD.

As I'm looking to change degree, I'll have 5 prior subjects to credit to my new degree. My hope is to complete three subjects in most semesters, but I'm prepared to settle for two if necessary. The first couple of semesters will be harder as I've had/am having this year off study apart from the deferred exam, but I'm preparing for them already.

Now it's time for a rest...

[Kahlia1981]

Nanna and grandpa arrived up here on Thursday. We went out to my parents place today to see them, and to discuss some stuff for the wedding. It was really obvious that my nanna was extremely confused and didn't really know where she was. She quite obviously felt better when grandpa was close but I think it's going to be a long, confusing time for her. We are all trying to set as much up like her last home as possible so that she can at least feel that she belongs where she is, but her lucid moments are becoming shorter and more spaced. I don't want to watch them die...

The shop we ordered the girls dresses for the wedding from has apparently run out of stock on the dresses we wanted and has no intention of getting more. I looked a few up with my parents today and they have emailed the company, but if they don't have these alternative dresses they will have to refund the money and my mother will sew. The only difficulty with that is that my fiancee's daughter lives in Toowoomba - some 750-odd miles away, so she'd be sewing based on measurements someone else had taken which is always risky.

We also talked about the caterer and the menu's for the reception, and I tested out three pairs of retainers (clear earrings designed to keep the holes open but allow you the benefit of not having anything in). The wedding is starting to get really close.... Time to make an appointment with the celebrant and organise our vows I think

[Kahlia1981]

Really low right now....

We rearranged the bedroom earlier today as we are getting a massive, electronic chair from my grandparents. They promised me it about ten years ago, but to be honest I never thought I would get it - especially not while they were still alive. I didn't even remember that they had offered it to me... When my grandfather announced that "my chair" was coming up with their stuff I was extremely confused and my mother had to explain. I guess that's something I lost with the first bout of ECT. We had absolutely no where to put the chair as it's quite large, so we had two options, move all the computer gear into the spare room and place the chair in the lounge, or to rearrange the bedroom and put it in there. There's space for it now, but I have no idea how we are actually going to get it in there...

After rearranging the room I was looking at some of the stuff that had turned up in there and found my old "Dragon Tarot" cards. Several of them were missing, so I ended up throwing them out, but I asked my fiancee to look at the artwork on the major cards because it's amazing. He told me he "wasn't well enough". I have to admit that this set me off. Considering I haven't been feeling well for awhile now and have a lot of stress on my plate I just pulled inside myself. I can't even explain why really, I think it was just the straw that broke the camels back. All I asked him to do was have a look at the artwork on the cards, not to do anything more than that. I can't even say what is wrong now to him.... I just keep pulling further and further inside myself.

I had intended to shut myself in the spare room with my teddy bear, my pillow, my laptop and some stuff to do some damage to myself with, and completely barricade the door from the inside so no one could get in. My fiancee found the bear, the pillow and a knife in there and became very suspicious. He basically told me that if I put all three things back where they came from he wouldn't bring it up again. In a lot of ways I still want to go through with my plan.

Would it be such a bad thing if I killed myself tonight?

[Kahlia1981]

Saw my pdoc this morning. He is concerned that I'm forgetting my medications and taking them late. I should probably say that I do take them every day but sometimes I don't take my morning ones until lunchtime, and my night ones are often taken at midnight. He thinks that the issues with the voices (particularly J) can't be truly assessed until I'm back in the "normal" medication regime. He also suggested getting my medication "Webster packed" by the pharmacist as I'm currently using a medication box and struggle to refill it every week.

The chair from my grandparents is all fitted in to the house. It was not as heavy as everyone thought, but it was heavy enough to have my brother-in-law assist with getting it in. My fiancee has tested it (to ensure that nothing got damaged on the way up) and was impressed with it. My parents dropped off a hand unit that goes with the chair this evening.... We were struggling to work out what it was when we first saw it. Hopefully it will get put to some good use.

[crazykat]

Sorry that things have been difficult for you lately. I have my medications webstar packed and it does help with remembering to take them. Also could you set reminders on your phone? Glad you managed to fit the chair in. Good luck with the wedding preparations.

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Actually, I now have reminders on my phone for my meds, and I'm packing my meds for the morning every night. It just becomes hard in the mornings as I have tablets that have to be kept in the fridge, and they quite often get forgotten.

Right now I'm watching season 5 of Whose Line is it Anyway? UK version as I haven't seen them for some time. My mood is very low and I'm feeling suicidal so I'm trying my hardest to distract myself. I have a suicide plan and everything that I need to put it into place. I've also begun to make alternative plans to get hold of things that I need for a separate suicide plan which I know will not only kill me, but it will be practically painless. I'll just slip into a coma and die.

From where I sit now I can see that I'm going to have to go back to Brisbane for more ECT once I have completed my uni exam in August. I really don't want to go back, I don't want any more ECT. My last trip didn't give me any improvement in my mood and gave me a 12-month hole in my memory. Spending a month and a half away from home to get no real benefit is not my preferred choice. My fiancée has said though that if I have to go back down again he'll go with me. We have a friend in Brisbane and we'll pay her for his accommodation and groceries, but he doesn't want me to have to be on my own down there.

Wedding preparations are still going strong. We've got a completed file of our ceremony back from the celebrant and just have to review our vows as they are quite long. My dress has been ordered, shipped and should arrive by the end of the first week of July at the latest. The flower girl and ring bearer's dresses have also been ordered and shipped. My fiancée's suit is here, we just have to get him a shirt, shoes and a belt. Now to organise the celebrant fee, flowers, music and 1001 other things.... It feels like it will never end. *sigh*

The stress of the wedding is starting to show on my fiancée as well. He's struggling, especially because the mother of his youngest daughter is making things difficult. We're very excited though because H is going to be here for both the wedding and her 9th birthday. It cost my mother-in-law 48,000 frequent flyer points and $222 for the flights. We have to clean up our spare room as H is going to stay with us for a couple of days prior to the wedding. My fiancée is both excited about that and nervous as heck. I really hope it goes well.

I need to disappear from the world for a while I think. *sigh*

[crazykat]

Hopefully the alarms will help. Perhaps you could stick up a note somewhere where you will see it such as the fridge or mirror or even on your computer screen. I haven't seen that program before but I hope you enjoy it.

I'm sorry your feeling so low but I think it is really important that you tell someone about your plans. Are you seeing your psych anytime soon? I know it is hard but try and remind yourself that you have gotten through this before so you can again. Try and remind yourself of the positive things you have to look forward to such as getting married. Let those things give you a reason to fight through this darkness.

I know wedding planning must be stressful as hell but it will be worth it in the end. I am glad your fiancée will have his daughter their too. Keep fighting you will get through this.

[Kahlia1981]

Dropping like a stone right now....

We finally got our act together and went to the hairdresser today. Chatting to them about hair for the wedding, and ideas for H, was an interesting experience. H wants to have chalk dye applied to her hair so we spoke to them about that. Apparently they also have a hair mascara that works better on darker hair and comes out quicker. More information to give H when we ring her this weekend I suppose.

The flower girl (and ring bearer) dresses have arrived. My mother hung them up and told me that they looked terrific. Now we just have to try them on the girls. My two nieces may have to have their dresses taken in a bit as we had to get a larger dress because they both are quite tall for their age. We won't be able to try H's dress on until the week before the wedding, but my mother is checking out material that matches just in case she has to add bits in or take bits out. The girl's dresses turned out to be more of a nightmare than we originally anticipated, but at least they are here...

My wedding dress, which my fiancee doesn't even know is coming, has been posted and should be here by the end of next week. I'm kind of looking forward to that arriving, but right at the moment there's just a lot of stress building up. I really hope that it arrives soon, and that I can keep it hidden from the boy while trying it on - particularly with my shoes.

The great "make up hunt" has started as well. My skin is so damn sensitive that I have to be really careful with my make up. It doesn't help that I don't usually wear the stuff lol. Some bits I've already chosen, but others I still have to chase down. The boy wants me to ring one of the manufacturers and chat to them about my needs, but generally speaking you could let me loose in a pharmacy with testers and I'll get there on my own. I know quite a bit about the stuff even though I rarely wear it unless I'm on stage.

Having said that... I'm not looking forward to doing H's make up...

I think I'm too low and too tired to really care much at the moment. I'd just like to disappear somewhere - preferably to go somewhere I don't have to return from. *sigh* That's those lovely mood drops for me. I really wish I was treatable with medication... Meh

[Kahlia1981]

My fiancee put me to sleep last night as my mood was low enough for him to be worried I'd act on the suicide plans. Woke up at about 05:00 this morning and am still feeling down and suicidal. I had to act happy and put on my mask when we went to see the girl's dresses and my grandparents, but on the way home I just became quiet and pulled inside myself. Right now I really would like to just end it all. I have so much to look forward to, but I feel like I can't handle it at all. *sigh*

I'm just going to crawl back into my box and stay there for as long as I can.

[crazykat]

It sounds like the wedding preparations are coming along well. I hope your dress arrives soon. I'm sorry your feeling so low, is there anything you could do to help lift your mood a bit? Please keep fighting, you are worth it

[Kahlia1981]

Well Tuesday saw my 4 year, 10 month SI free anniversary. Only two months to go until I reach that magic 5 year mark. I never thought that I would even make one year, let alone being close to five... It doesn't mean that I don't still have strong urges to SI, nor that my addiction/dependence has disappeared, but I'm managing to cope fairly well.

My dress arrived on Monday and it fits quite well. There's a couple of spots that need a little bit of stitching redone, but otherwise it's absolutely perfect. I had to hide the package from my fiancee when it arrived - he wanted to know why we had a courier dropping something off and what it was as soon as I picked up the package. Now we're just waiting for my veil to arrive... That's already been posted so it should be here by the end of next week.

My mood is through the floor once again and is still dropping. My suicide plan is getting more and more detail added to it. I've started collecting things for it, and am trying to keep secret both that I'm collecting things and that my mood is so dangerously low. I am pretending that my agoraphobia is fine because my fiancee is watching tv shows that distress me and the only two escapes I have are to head outside for a smoke (real or e-cig) or to disappear into our bedroom. Disappearing into the bedroom would just make my fiancee nervous and stressed and that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I guess there is no easy answer.

I'm now "smoking" e-cigarettes as an NRT in order to quit smoking. The e-cigs give the feeling of holding a smoke and you exhale a vapour instead of toxic smoke. They don't have most of the chemicals a normal smoke does and don't require fire at all. No need for a lighter, no risk of dropping the butt and starting a fire. The end of the e-cig, which is a battery, lights up when you take a puff but you can put it into your pocket and take it out of your pocket without having to wait for anything. No mess, no fuss. The batteries are also rechargeable and come in various sizes and colours.

I'm preparing for my exam that will take place in August and have watched the first four lectures again - and made notes upon them. The lecture I watched today almost drove me crazy. The lecturer was explaining the calculations, as he should, but breaking it down to the point of 0 + 1 = 1.... No joke. I have no problems with him stating what numbers to use for the calculations, but it doesn't require half an hour of going over the same numbers and calculations. I nearly fell asleep - thank goodness I wasn't in the lecture theatre.

Plenty to do, running out of time in the day. *sigh*

[Kahlia1981]

As my mental state has been deteriorating and I can no longer remain safe without almost constant supervision I made the decision to try and fit in 6 sessions of ECT before the wedding. The only way this can work, realistically, is if I can get a referral today or tomorrow (given that today is a public holiday in my city only), leave here on Thursday and start treatment on Friday. Then I'd spend two weeks in Brisbane and arrive back just over a week before the wedding. Any later than that and it becomes non-viable, especially as my fiancee's daughter is arriving the Saturday before the wedding.

This was not an easy decision to make.... After the last course of ECT it was a case of twice bitten, no longer willing to walk down that path. Unfortunately there aren't too many choices right now. My pdoc is going to suggest getting the ECT done at the local hospital here, but that isn't a viable option either. The situation between me, my fiancee and the hospital - particularly psych - is not great. The Director of the mental health unit is terrified of us because we took him, and the unit, to the HQCC. Having ECT at the unit would mean that he would know when I'm in the hospital, and may suggest to the doctor in control of ECT that the settings can be screwed up. I don't trust them, they fear me. I'd prefer to just keep away.

We haven't slept tonight/last night. My fiancee didn't feel comfortable sleeping whilst I was awake, and I couldn't get to sleep. So, we've been basically watching episodes of Red Dwarf, doing online crosswords and scanning photos to turn into wallpapers. Naturally we also have been making plans to a) get a referral as soon as possible so that the admission can take place in a timely manner, b) get me down to Brisbane in terms with the time line and c) organise all the things I'll need down there.

The worst thing is that, with the wedding so close, there is no room for delays. If I can't be admitted to start treatment on Monday at the latest, the treatment will have to wait until after I complete my exam in mid August. Not really an ideal condition, but neither is having to travel down now and add to the stress already present in the situation. We're trying to prepare as much as we can for both the wedding and my fiancee's daughters birthday before I leave but there is always going to be last-minute stuff to do. I just really hopes that this goes well....

My mother met us at a party shop today and got a few things for the wedding and the pre-wedding bbq. I gave her my wedding dress to keep at her place because a) we have nowhere to store it and b) I don't want my fiancee to see it before the day. At least out at mum's place there'll be room to hang it properly, and it will be with all the girl's dresses as well. My grandfather offered us his car to use for the wedding - we wanted to ask to borrow it but weren't sure whether my nanna would cope being in a different car - and we decided that it would be cheaper to buy some ribbon from a $2 shop or material shop then to buy "car ribbon". Seriously, one roll of car ribbon was just under $50..... WTF??? But I guess that enough people must buy it to keep it on the shelves and the price so high - lack of competition or major consumer need are great for being able to charge whatever the heck you like. At least we now only have to organise things like the roses and champagne flutes.

I'm a bit upset about the NTEU (National Tertiary Education Union) calling a strike resulting in a ban on uploading of student results for semester one. Given the conditions, my exam would not be affected as it is in the deferred period, but as I have submitted my internal course transfer form I had to complete a Monash Exemption form.... Whilst I understand union action and believe that it should be used where it is legitimate, appropriate and all attempts of conciliation have failed, I do not believe it is right to force your opponent (for want of a better word) to take the action you require by forcing a third party to badger, and put immense pressure on, your opponent. This is especially the case when the third party already is under intense pressure and stress, and the union action causes more distress - whether financial, physical or mental. In this particular case, some students receiving payments from Centrelink will have their payments cancelled if they do not submit an exemption form from the ban, or are unlucky enough to have their exemption rejected, not to mention not being allowed to re-enrol because they cannot guarantee their prerequisites have been met.

Our town is getting itself ready for the Townsville 400 (or whatever they call the car race here). We went out to meet my mother this afternoon and they've already starting shutting off roads and traffic cone-ing the whole neighbourhood. If I begin treatment on Friday at least I won't be here for it, which will dramatically decrease the loud, annoying din from my point of view. I would be quite glad to not have to deal with all the drunk hooning that takes place before and during the event, nor the drunk and high people walking randomly wherever they like - usually across busy roads. I can't wait for this damn event to end here...

Except for this last week where my mood has been dangerous my studies are going well. I'm working my way through the lectures for the second time and will be taking all the necessary stuff away with me. I'm also going to print out the assignments and examples so that I can practice the practical parts of the exam in a situation where I have a solution but can't look at it until I have completely finished the task. That way at least I know whether I have managed to learn the process and applied the theory appropriately. Now I just have to buy myself a set of headphones (as opposed to earphones) so my poor room-mate (assuming I'll be in a two-bed room) doesn't have to share my lectures, and my ears don't get too sore. At least I'll not be lacking for something to do...

I need to calm down and breathe for a few minutes. Just got to get myself back under control so that I don't completely melt when we arrive at the doctors surgery. Time to meditate.

[crazykat]

Wow nearly 5 years that is amazing, just shows how far you have come. I know some days or even most days it must seem like you are going backwards but I think you are achieving great goals towards your recovery. I have every faith and hope in you that you will get there. Just one small step at a time will win the race.

How exciting that your dress arrived, I bet you look beautiful in it. At least there are only minor adjustments to make. I hope your veil comes soon too. I am sorry to hear your mood is continuing to drop. The e-cig sounds quite cool and a good replacement over the cigarettes so well done.

Good luck for the exam, it sounds like your study is coming along well. I hope that you can work out something for the ECT as it sounds like it is something that would be helpful at this point. Good luck with the doctors, let us know how you get on.

[Kahlia1981]

Today was my second in a course of six ECT sessions. They actually allowed me to walk back from the ECT suite today - normally they try to take me back to my room in a wheelchair. I also haven't slept at all during the day, when a) they expect me to and b) I normally do crash out for a bit. I'm getting a name here as the tech wiz everyone goes to when they can't work out their phones.... Kind of freaky really. At least everyone here is pretty friendly and nice. I haven't met too many people this time that would make me run for cover.... That also makes a nice change.

Now I just wish that my shoulder would stay in it's socket...

[Wonderland.]

How do you feel the ECT is going?

[crazykat]

I am glad that people seem to be friendlier this time around. I hope your shoulder feels better soon