but sometimes i think BPD is quite a rational "illness". i mean, not all aspects, all the time, but some. like, having relationship difficulties and paranoia... it doesn't come from nowhere, you know? it's learned from bad experiences... so we protect ourselves. of course, in more present situations they can be unhelpful. but i wouldn't listen to someone who told me my perceptions were wrong as a result of BPD. it can be an excuse professionals use to protect themselves sometimes. trust yourself.
That's a very good point to remember as time goes on. I know i just pop in and out of this thread, but it's interesting to read everyone's replies. When you look at the diagnostic criteria for BPD and then look (though it takes a long time) at what's happened in the past, you'll begin to see links. I don't think saying perceptions are wrong is a good thing to be saying (if you see what i mean!) but i think BPD can alter perceptions, in the sense of literally having a different perspective.
Dramatic, now that you have at last got a diagnosis, it's worth reading up on BPD and the looking at the diagnostic criteria in depth, but when looking at other sources, they often go more indepth into the criteria in a way that isn't always helpful because they can put symptoms and behaviours in a seemingly "certain" way, like all people with BPD will do XYZ, if that makes sense.
Oh goodness, what a ramble!!
18.11 28.4 6.5 22.31
My heart just needs his smile, that i can't forget, like so melancholy a kiss.
But, I've never had any bad experiences. They say most people with BPD will have been abused or had trauma in early childhood or something.
Nothing like that ever happened to me. I had a stable, happy family life. I was never bullied at school, I had friends and out of the blue aged fourteen I started to self harm and feel depressed.
I keep asking myself why. Why do I have BPD?
The only thing was being born three months prematurely and spending the first few months of my life stuck in an incubator with monitors and wires and not much contact with my mum.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
you're right, control freak. not everyone with BPD has had trauma in their childhood. i think they're beginning to understand now that BPD isn't just about environment/nurture and upbringing. new brain scans show that some people's brains are "designed" in a way that makes them much more prone to not being able to cope well with stress. this can also sometimes include problems with psychotic-type experiences in BPD. i think BPD, like most illnesses, has bits of it that are about upbringing, bits about chemical/biological stuff going on with imbalances, and also is genetic - i.e. if someone else in your family has BPD, you're more likely to get it too.
i think it must be very difficult for those people with BPD and haven't had abuse in their childhoods, or neglect, to feel like they don't belong in some way, or that they mustn't really be suffering the same. i don't think that at all. it may be that there was an accumulation of "smaller" traumatic incidents that happened throughout your life, things like waking up in the night and your mum not being there, or when a sibling is born and how traumatic that can be for a child. if your brain isn't able to cope with these stresses, then they can be very damaging.
I'm sorry to hear that tomorrowwilcome. I don't seem to be able to get rid of them - CPN visits on an almost weekly basis and psych still wants to see me on an ongoing basis (negotiated a 2 month gap this time). I fee pathetic for taking up their time as I am not ill.
Can your GP refer you direct to a primary care counselling service or refer you to another psych (assuming that you have already had contact with one)? I know alot of people around suggest groups at Mind, I know there is a self harm one at my local one although I have never felt it is something I could do.
Last edited by ThinkingofRecovery : 09-11-2008 at 01:13 PM.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I'll keep my fingers & toes crossed for you on Tuesday when you see the psychiatrist Aly. I really hope that this time they listen to you and give you the support that you desperately need. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been turned away so many times before. x
I feel as if I've been turned away a lot of times too. I read about BPD somewhere quite a while ago and I just related to a lot of what it said. As time went on I felt I was getting worse so suggested to someone that I might have it. Took me almost two years to get a diagnosis though and a couple of times I was told that there was nothing wrong with me and that I just needed to accept that everyone has bad days. Yeah!
I don't want to spend the rest of my days
Running around, chasing my shadow
So please don't let this chance slip away
If I waste it this time
I won't be here tomorrow
I had a chance and I think I blew it and just came accross as being a mixed up housewife rather than someone with any real problems, I am hoping that my appointment with the psychiatrist will get me more support, the sort of support my GP thinks I should get.
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same too so we are not that different you and I.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
i've been query personality disorder for a while - i don't think i'm borderline though - so i'm sorry if i'm hijacking, i don't know where else to post - i think if i've got any PD it's schizoid, because i just don't connect with people at all - but then how do you explain SI in that context? surely someone who feels nothing woudln't see a need to si? i've been dx bipolar since i was 23 (i'm 32) but as i get older i feel more and more detached form people generall and people i know - i just am becoming more and more reclusive (which again isn't really BPD) which doesn't add up with the si stuff....
... i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had...
The only thing was being born three months prematurely and spending the first few months of my life stuck in an incubator with monitors and wires and not much contact with my mum.
i'm in a similar boat - i am bipolar and query PD and i've always felt like a fraud because i've not been abused like many of my friends - but i did have massive heart surgery as a baby, i was born with serious heart complications and they were operated on. i always get angry with the people who go on about how "grateful" they are the doctors "saved" them: i've never felt that way, i've always resented that they interfered without my permission: sod that i was just a baby, if i didn't say yes, they shouldn't have done it. i get lectured a lot on the whole sanctity of life stuff, and how, as a "survivor" i should "get it" but i just don't and i wish they hadn't done it.
i've had a lot of therapy and these massive surgical interventions can have an effect later on - also i was in an incubator for a long time and my Tdoc reckons i have some kind of attachment disorder, ie i'm not attached to my parents (and by consequence anyone else) because that initial contact was broken.
but in other ways i guess we're in different boats: as a result of all this surgery, my mother has always been incredibly over-expressive towards me, she's always been really over-protective and over-bearing - i absolutely hate it and have gone totally the other way: i find it really hard to cope with people being "attached" towards me *at all* - i find emotional attachment virutally impossible and i have a serious antipathy towards my parents. so i doubt i'm BPD just because i'm the total opposite of most BPD traits, but i am under query for some personality disorder because my outlook on things is so warped and always has been: i hate people! i find people incredibly hard work and avoid them at all costs.
but although i guess we've reacted differently i can totally see where you're coming from: i think it's often overlooked that medical intervention can cause massive trauma.
... i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had...
Lack of early attachment/bonding is one of the main causes of attachment disorders, of which borderline pd is.
Without that holding, a secure ego cannot form, and it can feel like you're constantly falling apart inside with nothing to hold you together.
I don't really know what caused mine. One of the things my psych said when he diagnosed me is I fit the criteria apart from that I never went through childhood abuse or neglect or whatever... I kinda think anything that happened did in my early teens if anything.
I just feel like I'm flying apart at the seams at the moment. Everyone thinks I'm doing so well, and I don't have the heart to tell them I'm not.
Wake me up before I change again
Remind me the story that I won't get insane
Tell me why it's always the same
Explain me the reason why I'm so much in pain.
I felt a bit of a fraud as I have no real abuse as a child but my mother was a really busy person and I was a depressed kid, she told me once that my misery made her want to die so I never talked to her again and my stepfather had no interest in me so I guess that's where mine comes from. I try to compensate my loss by attachment to inappropriate people, my last GP and my latest GP and my therapist who has deserted me through illness and I'm scared she will not return.
I desperately need someone to cling to, I'm open to offers
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same too so we are not that different you and I.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
Yeah as far as im concerned i suffered no neglect. There was just a messy divorce happening when i was 3/4/5 . So i didnt see much of my dad and my mum was kinda angry because i was his... Maybe thats we're it formed. Rather than because of the more recent abuse.
So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
