Right now I am so suicidal that it's almost all that I can think of. I'm trying to distract myself with FB and looking at wedding stuff as well as watching the TV show "Red Dwarf". I'm trying to keep in the here and now and remind myself that there are still good things going on and in the plan.
I made a pact with my fiancee after the other day that I would not try and kill myself when he was asleep but that I would wake him up if I got to the point where I thought I had no choice but to do anything. I'm fighting really hard at the moment to keep the promise but am trying to use every alternative that I have in my control.
It would be great if my city had some reasonable after hours contact for people with mental illness or in crisis that does more then tell them to "breathe" and it will all be over. Meh
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Things still aren't going so well. I'm having trouble sleeping, my mood is extremely low and I'm still suicidal. My partner is well aware that things aren't great and is trying to care for me, but he's rather low himself. He's having issues and I'm trying not to upset him while at the same time trying to keep myself alive. I don't know what I'm going to do. All I want to do right now is just keep bursting into tears and then killing myself. I slept most of today in order to stop myself doing anything. Now I just don't know what to do to keep myself going.... Or whether it's worth doing anything.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I learned the most incredible thing today that explains why I can never get my life together. It's because I'm useless, a waste of space, an inconvenience, nothing more than a distraction and completely hopeless. Yay
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Hi Kahila, I'm sorry things are so awful right now. Is there anything you think that is causing you to feel so terribly unhappy and frightened right now?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Sophia: Our abusive next door neighbour came over and accused us the other night of "stealing" his internet. This is the second time it happened and we proved both times that we hadn't. This time he got extremely aggressive and violent and I'm now absolutely terrified to be outside at all in case he decides to attack. I'm not sure before that why the agoraphobia was playing up it just does from time to time. The unhappiness also happens from time to time but my last ECT (which usually fixes the bipolar) didn't work at all. Then when I feel bad because I feel depressed and anxious and feel like there is no answer, no cure and no hope it all just adds up.
I'm trying to remind myself that my partner and I are getting married in July and that we are trying for a baby so there are some "good" things happening but I keep getting stuck in the black world.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Oh no, that sounds scary. Can you call the police and report it?
Have you had a chat with your doctor about the ECT and other things? Sometimes it can be given at a different dose or in a different manner and be more effective.
Getting married and having a baby are wonderful things to hold on to. Can they keep you going?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Sophia: We reported it to the police but only after the incident so they couldn't do anything. If it happens again I'll lock myself in the house and call the cops and they say they'll do something but I hope that never happens.
I've been trying to get in touch with my ECT doctor but am getting nowhere. On Wednesday I have an appointment with my normal psychiatrist so I'm going to talk to him about it and see if he can get in touch with my ECT doc as well.
I'm really hoping that the wedding and having a baby will keep me going but even if they can't help me all the way I at least have something that is good. Aside from that, I have a fiancee who loves me as I am and for who I am. He's had the option to run and find someone else, and I've told him that he doesn't have to stay with me and he could most likely do better but he's told me that he couldn't picture life without me.
I saw my psychologist for the second time on Friday and one of the things we talked about is getting me an "companion" dog. She's going to make some enquiries because she believes that this would really help me. My biggest problem is that I would actually love my dog to be a miniature schnauzer (preferably an un-docked one) but usually assistance dogs are whatever breed comes. She couldn't see the reason that a type of dog couldn't be chosen because the dog is there to be my companion, not to predict a seizure etc.
C (the psychologist) also suggested suing the hospital for the damages from the first ECT where I lost 27 years of my life. My fiancee is for the idea but I'm not so sure. I know that I lost a lot.... well obviously.... but the ECT also saved my life. I don't know if that even makes any sense. I guess it just creates a lot of confusion internally about what I want and what I value and believe.
Right now the agoraphobia has been driving me insane. I was going outside with moderate anxiety yesterday until.... I don't even know what happened. I went to go outside with my fiancee and struggled just to walk through the door. Literally my anxiety went through the roof the second I placed my foot on the mat outside. I could barely move. I just completely freaked out. My fiancee gave me 6mg of Xanax in a short period and even that barely touched the anxiety. I don't even know what I'm frightened of. I ended up sitting on the bed in tears because I just have no idea what is going on or why I feel the way I do. I'm trying to keep going outside today but I don't know if it will help.
My fiancee's birthday is tomorrow and his parents came around this morning for coffee. It was nice to have them here and not have to go to their place which is what normally happens. It was also nice that they didn't continuously talk about work - which is also what normally happens. My parents are supposed to be coming around this afternoon after which I think I'll collapse in a heap for a little while with "Bear" (my 20 year old teddy bear) and try to regain some normality.... Maybe.
Now to pull myself together before my parents arrive...
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Sounds like a good idea. And hopefully your psych will be able to chase things up with the ECT doctor.
Do you know what it is that's making you so unhappy? I'd be concerned, in that it wouldn't be advised to have ECT during pregnancy, particularly late stage. A companion dog sounds lovely; I know they can be really helpful.
What happened during the first ECT, where you lost 27 years? It was too strong? I guess it depends if you think you need the money, or it would help. Court cases like that are incredibly stressful, and even if you had a very strong case, your whole life would be pulled over the coals, so it would have to be something you felt very strongly about to make it worth it.
I hope things go okay with your partner's family.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Hopefully the incident with the neighbour doesn't happen again but I can understand how upsetting it would be. I hope your psych can chase things up with the ECT doctor and get things sorted out for you.
I am glad you have got some things to look forward too, hopefully that can spur you on to keep fighting through this. The companion dog sounds like such a lovely idea, hopefully something will come of it for you.
I agree with Sophia in terms of the taking it to the courts. I would strongly have a good think about the benefits and then weigh up the cons too so you make a decision that is right for you, not for someone else.
I know how terrible agoraphobia can be as I too have suffered from it in the past. It can feel like you are never going to get past it or even get better but there is hope. I found for myself that it was helpful to take slow steps and gradually build up from it from there. Even if it is as small as just starting off by opening the curtains, then standing at an open door until eventually it becomes easier to be outside. It will be tough but it is possible to break past it. Is your psychologist helping you with some strategies?
I hope it went okay with your family. Thinking of you
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Sophia: The first ECT was bilateral but no-one knows why I lost as much memory as I did. There was of course the normal warning about "some memory loss" but nobody anticipated that it was going to be as bad as it ended up being... And nobody can do anything, realistically, about getting it back.
Kat: Thanks for the support and suggestions regarding the agoraphobia.
Our neighbours have basically declared a sort of no contact war with us at present. If we smile and say "hi" they angrily look and walk away. I want to put up mirrored walls on the porch/patio and carport walls between our units so that all they can see when looking at the walls all they see is themselves. My fiancee wants to put up a barrier of timber as well - without actually attaching anything to the walls. We figure that, because every time we go outside they sit there staring at us and the father sits in the car with the car on and going nowhere for an hour or more if we are sitting outside, they are trying to get us in trouble with the cops or real estate agent. It's an unpleasant situation to say the best and really doesn't help me with getting outside. I should probably also mention that our neighbours decided to play music extremely loudly at 2am for an hour. It didn't bother either of us so it was a wasted experience but we think they want us to do something they can get us in trouble for. And until that happens they'll just treat us like ****.
I was supposed to be talking to the deputy dean of the faculty from my uni this afternoon about my options but the call never came through. Hopefully it doesn't happen while I'm in with my psychiatrist. I'm hoping to be given the entire subject material and about 6 months or so and resit the test instead of resitting the entire subject. But it will depend on the terms of the options they give me what option I will take in the end.
Tomorrow morning I see my pdoc and hopefully get some form of contact with the ECT specialist from Brisbane. My pdoc wrote me a letter that will do for uni if I choose to just resit the exam. I'll need a whole lot more if I want to go down the other route. I'm stressed about getting there, and sitting in the waiting room. Actually seeing the pdoc is bad enough because I'm sitting in the waiting room of the acute psych ward.... Not my favourite place to be. So it's hard normally to be sitting there, and tomorrow it may be worse depending on how my agoraphobia plays.
I'm still considering taking the initial ECT to the courts but I have to say that the negative parts of it - bringing up old wounds and dragging my life over the coals - really make me unsure. The psych is fairly sure that I'd win but I'm not willing to go ahead at this point in time. There's still another 2 years or so before I legally can't do anything because it's been too long so there's plenty of time to look into it and think about it. I'm not going to go ahead unless I think that I can handle the experience.
My usual GP had knee surgery and has not yet returned to work - possibly the surgery didn't go exactly as planned - which has meant that we've seen another doc when we've needed meds. Today she told me that I couldn't have any Xanax or Diazepam because it was too soon, even though the two medications were highlighted on Medical Director as red (the patient will have run out). The doc we saw today really couldn't cope with seeing me in the middle of a panic attack and my fiancee actually thinks that she would have sent me to the hospital under orders if he hadn't told me to get out and buy a bottle of water while he stayed with the doc. It really wasn't a good experience.
My change of name has gone through. I've got my new birth certificate and today ordered my change of name certificate. Once I've got both of them I can change my name everywhere. I'm writing a list to make sure that I don't forget to change it somewhere, but am also trying to work out the order that they're going to have to be done in.
Nothing is ever easy...
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Your neighbours sound like idiots, but you both sound like your handling the situation well even if it is hard. I hope you hear from the dean soon, it is frustrating having to wait for calls.
Good luck for seeing your pdoc tomorrow, could you take an ipod with you to help distract yourself while your waiting? It sounds like you have a good view on the court case and know if it will be right for you.
Sorry you had a rubbish experience with the doc, hopefully your regular doc will be back soon. That's great about the name change. Keep fighting, you will get through this. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
It's been a long time since I've written in here although I've wanted to several times.
Our neighbours are now forming the habit of looking out through the screen door when they know that we are outside and then slamming the screen door, wooden door and any windows that they think will be loud and threatening to us. It isn't working, and we are just waiting for them to shatter the glass in the windows or the door and a) refuse to mention it to the real estate agent until it's obvious in an inspection and b) blame us for the damage. Considering we have already told the landlord about the situation with them I don't think their "it wasn't us" excuse will work.
I've seen my psychologist twice since I last posted and the first time I brought up quite a lot of emotional stuff. I told her about the day Jem died and things surrounding it. At the time I didn't feel any real emotion. It was almost like I was in a cocoon carefully away from my emotions. By the next morning my mood had dropped as the memories kept flooding back. The emotional effect knocked me for quite awhile. I was still not doing so brilliant when I saw the psychologist again two weeks later and spent most of the session staring at the floor, not able to speak because I felt that if I opened my mouth I'd be in tears.
My uni finally got into contact with me and approved and allowed me access to the subject material and lectures so that I can resit the exam in the deferred exam period. I'm quite glad about that to a large degree. I had completed 5 assignments with a HD average and was not looking forward to having to redo the subject - regardless of whether it cost me to do so or not. Last week I was given access to the subject material and I've watched the first three weeks of lectures and have completed the corresponding tutorials. I know I still have a way to go but the best part is that the memories from the last 12 months that I had forgotten after my ECT. After having lost so much it's nice to be able to get some of those memories back.
The invitations for our wedding have been posted and my sister and her family did a brilliant job of making the majority of the cards - invite, RSVP and wishing well. The wedding actually feels real now that the invites have gone out. We've also booked the beach and are trying to organise my fiancee's youngest daughter's trip up here. Her mother is proving to be somewhat difficult, but we expected that several weeks ago.
Today is the fourth day in a row that my mood has been so low that I'm frightened to be alone with my thoughts. I've even asked my fiancee to lie beside me until I fell asleep when I wanted to sleep and he wasn't tired. Honestly, I'm trying to spend most of my time either asleep or doing something that will distract me. My seriously low mood normally goes away after a night of sleep, but for some reason this one is continuing on. I am acting the majority of the time when I'm with people other than my fiancee, just keeping the positive face on. Frequently I feel that I'm going to burst into tears if I don't keep my mouth closed or clench my teeth. It would be really nice to get some relief from this mood. Every day I feel more like I'm stuck and suicidal.
Last night my fiancee suggested that I try a few different things to make myself feel better. I went and had a shower to calm myself down and had a memory flash back into my head. The memory was from the day I found Jem dead. It was just like it happened yesterday. I could remember trying to wash the blood - real or imagined - off me and sitting in the shower recess and crying. Thankfully no emotions came back with it but for a second I had trouble deciding what was the present.
I just hope that I'm strong enough to cope with what comes back...
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
This afternoon I auditioned for a role in a local production of "Secret Bridesmaid's Business". To be perfectly honest I don't think I will get a part as all but one of the other girls were skinny and they were all pretty. I did give it my best shot however. Despite me being sure that I won't get in there's a part of me that still hopes I shall. By the end of this week that part will most likely be crying on the floor. *sigh*
Please stop the world, I want to get off....
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I am sorry to hear your neighbours are still being difficult but it is good that you are keeping your landlord informed. Is there anything the landlord can do about the situation? I think it can be fairly normal to not feel much in a session but then be flooded by memories/thoughts the next day. It may be worth mentioning to your counsellor to see if they can suggest some coping strategies for you to use in between sessions.
That's positive that the uni contacted you. Well done on getting the work done and it's great to hear you are getting some memories back too. How exciting about the wedding, it will give you something to look forward to and hopefully also offer a glimmer of hope. I hope you can get something sorted out so your fiance can see his daughter. Good luck for the play, I hope you get the part.
Sorry your feeling low, but I think despite everything you are coping fairly well. You are using coping strategies to try and help you get through this and that is a positive thing. Keep fighting hun, thinking of you
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Today is my 4 year and 9 month SI free anniversary. I can't believe that it has been that long. It feels like only a couple of months - the time is just flying by. Right now I'm not even thinking of SI, despite being in severe emotional pain and overwhelming depression. Unfortunately I am thinking of suicide, but compared to when I started this journey, I've come along way.
The neighbours are continuing to be difficult. Yesterday one of their trash bags that the leave untied out in their carport blew all over the driveway. I was basically forced to don a surgical glove to clear the mess up. It was pretty disgusting because, amongst the rubbish, were both used diapers and sanitary pads. Completely and totally unsanitary....
I then got blasted by the director of our real estate agent because I spoke to him personally about the situation with the neighbours - as my fiancee had directed me to. He literally went off, telling me that his property managers should be dealing with this and treated me like I was just wasting his time. I was nearly in tears when I got off the phone and then had to restrain my fiancee when he blew up about the director.
I have been notified that I didn't get a part in the upcoming play and they informed me that they'd like to have me backstage. My fiancee summed it all up as "they think you aren't good enough to be onstage but want to use you backstage where no-one will even say thanks". In a way that is really true. To be honest, I have no desire to work backstage for any play, but particularly this one. I should have known from the audition that I wasn't even being considered. They only asked me to read once when everyone else read three times. It was just hope that kept me interested. Now I have no hope and no longer care.
My studies are progressing fairly well, and I've watched up to week 10 of the lecture videos. I'm only a week behind that on the tutorials, and that is only because the lecturer didn't cover the relevant material in the related lecture. Right from the start he was unable to get through topics in the allotted time - basically because he continuously told tales from his working life. In one lecture he spent more than half an hour discussing one of the assignments. Whilst I realise that it was important to current students I found it extremely frustrating as that meant he fell further behind. It appears that they cast a make-up lecture during lecture recess, for which I'm grateful. Many hints have been given about material that will be on the exam and I've downloaded the available past exams, which unfortunately do not correlate well to the material now taught.
During the last week I made the decision to change from my Bachelor of Information Technology and Systems to a double degree: Bachelor of Business and Commerce, Bachelor of Information Technology and Systems with majors in Human Resource Management and Applications Development and Networks. Whilst it will increase my workload and time I already have several subjects completed that would form part of the double degree. In addition, I will learn about business law and economics which will be invaluable in the workplace. Now I just have to get it organised before the cutoff date in October this year. I have already begun the process and am just waiting to hear back from the uni.
My grandfather has had a couple of brushes with cancer and had a large part of his ear removed. The last scan they did showed spots throughout his body, including behind his heart. My mother rang during the week to tell me that the spots have grown massively and that grandpa will be lucky to live until christmas. Mum kept checking that I was okay while she was telling me because she knows I've always been close to nanna and grandpa, but it took awhile to sink in. My grandparents are going to move up here and live in the granny flat at my parents place fairly soon. I don't know how they are going to make the trip due to nanna's health but I believe that my parents will be driving down and then bringing both of them up with the cars in convoy.
I guess I'm lucky to still have my grandparents at my age. Even though I knew that they would die someday, and that day was constantly getting closer, I can't come to grips with the situation. It's like a massive stumbling block in my brain that I just can't get past. I don't know what to think or how to feel about it.... my brain just blocks all traffic. And now I'm in tears again. *sigh*
I'd like to end this post the way I started it (positively) but right now I can't. *sigh*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Wow that is impressive, you are inspiration. You show that recovery from self-harm is possible. It's good that you can also recognise how far you have come despite the setbacks that you have faced. I'm sorry that your struggling with suicidal feelings though. Can you let someone know how your feeling? So you have some extra support.
That is disgusting your neighbours are acting that way, they sound like pigs. I am sorry that the property director reacted that way, try not to take it personally maybe he was just having a bad day. Is there someone else you can talk to about the situation. If the real estates still aren't listening to you perhaps you could get legal advice about what to do, I think legal aid is a free service.
I am sorry you were dismissed about the play, could you tell them that you don't want to work backstage but you would prefer to be on stage. Maybe point out your previous experience. Glad to hear your studies are progressing well, it's a shame the lecturer seems to be disorganised though. Keep at it and good luck for the remainder.
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather, that sounds really difficult. It's hard when those close to us are unwell. Hopefully you will get to spend some time with them in the near future. Keep fighting hun, you will get through this
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
My suicidality came out the night before last when I couldn't cope anymore and started to set my plan into action. My fiancee freaked out - understandably - and confiscated the keys to the house and car. I still have the thoughts, impulse and desire to do it.... I don't know if it wouldn't have been better for me to go through with it. Right now I can't see clearly on that point.
Today J was back and very loud. When I explained what was happening my fiancee gave me an ipod and headphones as well as sedating the hell out of me. With her screaming in my ear it would be so easy to just follow through on my plan and let it all end, here and now.
*sigh* I am not fit to call myself human
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
