Life, please... no more - Page 51

Kahlia1981 · 03-11-2012, 04:57 PM

My sleep has been out the window over the last week or so. I go to bed because I am tired, but can't get off to sleep. When my fiancee lies down next to me I have a better chance at nodding off, but when he's not on the bed I get crap sleep anyhow. The odd sleeping hours aren't helping anything either... Most of my days feel endless. It's worse when I have to wake my fiancee up because we have to go somewhere. Not an easy task... I can spent 45 minutes to get him sitting up, and another 2 hours of force-feeding him coffee to get him "awake".

Possibly because of the lack of sleep or the introduction of zyban (to quit smoking) I've been having hallucinations. My fiancee is very concerned about it, and would really like me to come off the zyban so that we can see if it was the interaction with that drug that is effecting me. On the positive side, I have managed the last five days only having one smoke in the morning. I don't think that's too bad for someone who used to smoke at least 30 per day.

Oh well... One step at a time...

We had the viewing of the photos we had taken from when we won the free engagement shoot. It was very difficult to pick one picture from the ones taken, and she ended up saying that we could get two free pictures. The pictures were amazing... We looked so natural that you could almost think we weren't getting our photos done, but were just snapped by someone walking by. The other part is that we spoke to her about the wedding and will be looking at photos from previous weddings and the various wedding plans when we go to pick up the photos next week.

As my fiancee has started delivering pamphlets/junk mail again I've been helping him. On the days we deliver we do 90 minutes or so of hard cardio, with a full backpack on. I'm still doing my zumba as well, so I'm definitely getting a workout. Now all I need is to buy a hat...

Kahlia1981 · 09-11-2012, 11:23 AM

This week has been the worst on record for quite some time.... I'm not meaning to state that no week has ever been worse, but that it's been years since I had this sort of bs to deal with....

All was going semi-well early this week. We had the photo viewing on the Saturday and some time to ourselves on the Sunday. I ran out of Zyban on Sunday night and was expecting my psych to write me a script to leave with reception so I could continue my treatment. Firstly, he was still on leave on Monday, despite telling me that he would be there. Secondly, he didn't want me to pick up the script until we saw each other on the Wednesday as he wasn't sure whether to stop me on it or not. So I go two days without treatment before picking up the script. Then the pharmacy doesn't have the medication. I was not impressed with this, especially considering I had ordered the previous script of this with them and they knew I would be coming in for more. So I had to wait until Thursday.... Three days without the Zyban, and my smoking is NOT improved because of it.

The other thing that happened this week is that my fiancee and I turned up at our doctors surgery for our regular fortnightly appointment to be told that our GP hadn't shown up for work on Friday and wasn't expected to ever be coming back (this was on Tuesday and they didn't even bother to ring us to let us know). Now the biggest issue here was that it meant we were unable to get our scripts of Oxycontin. No other doctor in the practice would prescribe it for us, we even went to the pharmacy to pick up the names of GPs who prescribe opiates and rang every single one of them and no-one wanted to pick us up. I had been without my opiates since Monday night so by the time we were starting to work out WTF had just happened I was already going into withdrawals.

So from there we contacted every medical helpline we could find and got the advice that the first 72 hours of withdrawal were the worst and we should keep our fluids up, take magnesium and mersyndol (sp?). We were put in touch with ATODS (Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drug Services) and went in yesterday for a meeting with our respective case workers. My case worker didn't ask me about my allergies before attempting to take my blood pressure, so I ended up taking the cuff off as soon as the latex burning started. She couldn't finish the blood pressure anyway as she couldn't find a stethescope. She kept asking me about alcohol - when I'd already told her several times that I don't drink the stuff - and overall made me feel like I was a) a waste of her time and b) a common street drug taker.

To make matters even better, the drug that they were proposing to put us on would cost us $4 a day each and have to be picked up from the pharmacy and taken infront of the pharmacist every single fricking day, like we were illegal drug users again. There was also no plan to reduce the amount - we would just be taking it forever with no end in sight, and no plan to do anything for the amount of pain that we are in without having our opiate painkillers. They didn't really give a ***** about us, my case worker was laughing half the time as if I was lying to her about only taking what my doctor had prescribed. I hated being treated like a common criminal, and decided that they could **** their offer of us having to attend at least 10 doctor and case manager appointments before they even offered the drug. They didn't even want to talk to us about what they "wanted" to put us on. They didn't think we were worth the time of day. I fricking hate being treated like ****, and I don't intend to take it...

My mum had driven us to the appointment yesterday as we were not really all that safe to drive. The three of us had a discussion over coffee after we walked out of the "health" facility and decided that we would rather smoke weed and spend the rest of the week stoned rather than be forced to face their treatment. That is not actually a valid choice, but rather a statement that we would prefer pretty much anything except being "offered" a drug that would cost us $120 a fortnight - particularly when we have no way of affording that and our old opiates were free as we reached the safety net threshold in march.

The stress of this week has caused me to smoke a lot more heavily than I had been, and I only started back on the Zyban last night. I decided that for two days I would only take one tablet, and then would follow up for the next 44 days on two tablets. My parents have agreed to fund the private script we intend to get when I am through this script as, as we all know, it takes 90 days to make a new habit. I intend to quit smoking, and am already feeling sick when I do smoke - not to mention smoking less than I have been over the last few days - so there's still hope that this can work for me.

I am so stressed, and feel so unwell right now that I think I would probably do anything just to allow me to escape for a few hours. I hope this ends soon...

Kahlia1981 · 09-11-2012, 11:31 AM

I should perhaps have posted in my previous post that the government only allows you to get two authority scripts for Zyban - one for 30 days and one for 45 days. The authority means that you get the scripts at the PBS (Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme) price plus a surcharge (which I'm certain they only charge because they don't actually want people to quit smoking or they would lose way too much money on the various tobacco taxes). Which meant for us that we only had to pay the surcharge.... Any other scripts in the calendar year have to be private, meaning that you pay the full price (roughly $175) for the medication. Totally fooked up considering they really do make the course way too short.

Sorry, I'm really angry at my GP for just pissing off and leaving us in this situation, with ATODS for treating me (and my fiancee) like crap, and at the entire system for allowing this to happen. I think I need to spend some time in calm abiding meditation...

crazykat · 14-11-2012, 10:11 AM

Wow that is disgusting the way you have been treated, no wonder your angry I would be too. Try keep your head up though, you will get through this.

Kahlia1981 · 15-01-2013, 02:47 PM

It's been awhile since I last posted... Not really surprising considering I spent 5 weeks prior to Christmas in hospital in Brisbane, the next week (including Christmas) in Toowoomba, the following 4 days on the Gold Coast and finally another 4 days on the Sunshine Coast before a drive home that reminded me of people in vampire books racing home before the sunset.

Well the 5 weeks in hospital are easy to explain, I went down for my twice yearly ECT. This treatment session my memory has had some ... negative effects and I'm still showing signs that my memory isn't quite right. The most annoying thing that happened though was that the SAN file on my laptop became corrupted, meaning that my log in password "changed" from what I had set it to and I was forced to wipe my laptop and start again. This is incredibly annoying as I had files containing passwords on my laptop and I've had to go through and alter all those passwords etc.

My fiancee came down to meet me at the end of my hospital stay and we headed up to Toowoomba in order to spend Christmas with his youngest daughter. Our time there was really good and we did get to spend quite a bit of quality time with H. I think it did both my fiancee and H good to be able to spend time together and to get out and do some fun things. I even had H with me when I had to go to the pharmacy and she had a ball looking at nail polish and perfumes... they almost ran out of the little cards to test the perfumes on. The worst part was the bus trips up to Toowoomba and then back to Brisbane.

We spent a night at a friend's place in Brisbane and then caught the train down to the Gold Coast. As we were going to see my dad's mum and had not had a good experience the last time we went down there (prior to me going into hospital 12 months ago) I tried to argue with my mum to get us allowed to stay in Brisbane, but she wouldn't listen. My grandmother was actually very well behaved whilst we were there but both my fiancee and I found our time there (until after New Years) very stressful. Part of the stress was simply the instability of my grandma, whilst another part was from staying there with my parents who had driven down the day I got out of hospital.

On New Years Eve my fiancee and I once again travelled up to Brisbane by train in order to meet with a few friends. We went and saw the friend we had previously stayed with and then caught up with a friend from uni. He ended up driving us back to my grandma's house because he was heading to NSW to celebrate New Years. It was really good to see both of the friends we saw, and we were sad not to be able to meet up with more people, but we weren't able to. :(

After leaving grandma's place my parents, me and my fiancee drove up to the Sunshine Coast with my parent's caravan and stayed our time there in a caravan park. As my parent's van only really sleeps two my fiancee and I put up our tent and camped in there. The van park was... crowded, but not from the number of people who were there. The van sites that they had were all really close together, and the tent sites were mostly on rocks that would quite easily split the bottom of a tent open. The final night we were there we all slept in the van because we were driving the entire distance (over 1,000 kms) in one day and wanted an early start.

The reason for heading up to the Sunshine Coast was to see my mum's parents. My nanna is deteriorating pretty fast. She's 86 and has had a large segment of her bowel removed so has a very limited diet. Her memory has started going really badly so grandpa, who has never really had to fend for himself, is now doing the cooking, cleaning and so forth. We gave him some ideas for cooking meals that weren't difficult and had easy instructions to follow, but I don't know how much he will try.

We started off fairly early in the morning and finally arrived home at 02:00 last Tuesday morning. The drive seemed longer than it was and, even though we shared the driving and stopped at sensible times, was very tiring. It was really good to arrive home and both my fiancee and I just crashed, not waking up until almost midday.

Things have been ... not so good since before we got home, but I'll write about that tomorrow as I'm getting tired right now. Oh for some decent sleep...

Kahlia1981 · 17-01-2013, 11:52 AM

While we were away I started to hear J loud and clear again. In addition, my mood dropped through the floor. I'm not sure if the mood is related to J's reappearance, or is a sort of down after the ECT treatment. Right now I'm acting happy (or normal) all day long almost every day. At night I just don't have the energy to keep acting so I allow myself to drop. It was worrying my fiancee that something was wrong and I wouldn't really talk about it.

We spoke to my psych on Wednesday about J but didn't mention the mood. I should also have mentioned to him the difficulties I'm having with taking my medication and getting out of bed. I wake up in the morning and can't see the point in getting up and starting the day. If I was allowed to I'd probably stay in bed all day long. The medication is also something I can't see the point in taking. The only thing that came up with the psych is that my night meds are really large and I'm struggling with that. He's made a couple of changes, but overall hasn't made a change to my meds. We'll see how that goes.

I have an exam on Monday and I'm severely stressed out about it. The only reason I have the exam now and didn't complete it at the end of semester was because the uni hosting my exam wanted to ignore my special exam conditions and my uni only gave me two days to find a local invigilator. There was no way that I could find someone to watch over my exam - especially someone who wasn't related to me - so I was forced to defer. Now I'm having an acute episode of my chronic condition and I'm unable to do anything. God knows what they'd do if I ended up in hospital on the day of the exam.

My fiancee is also not very well at the moment. Yesterday he was showing serious signs that he is heading towards psychosis. We've had to take some ... immediate action to try and stop him becoming completely psychotic. Tomorrow we're heading to the GP as he doesn't have a psych and together we'll make a plan for getting through this. I really hope that we can get him through this with the least distress (for him).

Also at the moment we are having rehearsals for an amateur production of the Terry Pratchett play "The Fifth Elephant". It's making for quite a lot of time spent out of the house at night - and results in me acting for longer and longer periods of time. Quite a few of the people there (which includes my parents and brother in-law) already know about my ... issues, but I don't want people to see how low my mood is, or how distressed I'm getting about J. It's nice to have a night when we're not needed though.

I got a letter from the orthopaedic clinic to tell me that I've got an appointment on February 5th. The surgeon seems to have kept his word.... When I last saw him - November last year I believe - he told me that if I let him have a holiday he would see me in Feb this year and operate not long afterwards. I'm going to have to ensure that the operation isn't before the play ends... Fun.

Meh...

Kahlia1981 · 17-01-2013, 12:02 PM

Right now I don't know whether I want to kill myself or start attacking myself again. I'm 4 years and 4 months free of SI, but the urges are as strong as my first few days without it. Why is it that my brain is telling me that cutting myself is the only way I can cope, and that one cut would solve all my problems? Every day I'm still fighting this battle, and I try to look at it as one day at a time, but that isn't easy. Still, one day at a time is enough.

My fiancee isn't aware of this but I have a suicide date set and a plan made. It's still quite a way off, and I'm not 100% sure that I'm going to go through with it on this date. In some ways I think it is making life easier to cope with, just by having a date and a plan. Right now I don't even know whether I should go through with it or not. I just don't know how to cope with what is happening in my world and this is my brains way of coping with it.

I would really like the urges to go away... just for a little while would be enough. Feeling like I'd rather kill or attack myself than do anything else is becoming extremely hard to deal with. I think I'd better email my psych and see if there's anything he can do. The other option is to open up to my fiancee, but he's unwell and I don't want to stress him.

I guess the decision is mine and has to be made soon. *sigh*

Kahlia1981 · 18-01-2013, 12:56 PM

I took my fiancee to the GP today to get some advice on what we should be doing to minimize the distress from the psychotic symptoms. We've been given instructions to last the next 8 days and got him some diazepam to help him to stay calm. Because we weren't sure how he was going to pull up this morning, and whether that would mean we were unable to take the bus we asked my mother to drive us in to the city for our appointments. He wasn't too bad when we were heading in there, but wasn't coping so well while we were waiting. Thankfully he mostly held it together until we got home.

At least we have a plan to help keep him safe for the next little while. None of us know what form this psychosis is going to take, nor how severe it is going to get. We just have to keep hoping for the best I guess.

Kahlia1981 · 20-01-2013, 01:56 PM

Tomorrow I have my deferred exam, which I only had to defer because the university hosting my exam decided that they weren't going to uphold my exam conditions. I probably could have coped with having 8 other students - with their own exam conditions - in the room, but I couldn't handle having them leaving at various times and then another batch of 8 students entering before I finished. So I was forced to defer and now am faced with the lovely problem of having my ECT screw with my memory. Stuff that I read 10 minutes ago I can't remember, plus I keep losing bits and pieces. It can take me up to 30 minutes to remember a word that I've forgotten, off the top of my head. Well I guess I'm going to fail. The thing that really annoys me is that I would have smashed this exam if I'd been able to do it when I was originally supposed to.

I've also decided that I'm never having ECT again unless they can guarantee me 100% that there will be no memory loss. Since no one can make that guarantee I guess I'm going to have to learn to live with my depression as I'm medication/treatment resistant and TMS a) doesn't work for me and b) is only available in Brisbane which would mean travelling over 1,000 miles every three months. As there are no other alternatives at this point in time I guess I'm just going to have to get used to the idea and prepare myself for the worst.

Maybe this is a good time to put more thought into my suicide plan. Life will never improve from here.

Kahlia1981 · 23-01-2013, 06:26 AM

Well my exam could hardly have gone any worse if I'd tried...

I was hearing voices and having visual hallucinations, was finding it difficult to concentrate and the questions could have been written in Hebrew for all the sense that they made to me. I did attempt the questions but one hour into the exam I, nearly saturated in tears, called it quits. My supervisor rang the uni Exams and Ceremonies contact to see if there was paperwork to cancel the exam and was told there was nothing...

Immediately after coming home I was on the email to my psych and the Disability worker at the uni. Yesterday I heard back from the DLU worker and she's actually been pretty supportive - unlike the last time I contacted her to step in for me. She put me in touch with the faculty contact so I guess we just wait and see what happens.

We're still having computer problems and I'm totally sick of it now.... My laptop froze at the BIOS stage, and now has a problem with the 'd' key. Also, my external hard drive isn't being recognised by either my computer, or my fiancee's computer.

Please stop the bus of life, I want to get off....

Kahlia1981 · 25-01-2013, 01:02 PM

Wow, there's been a lot of freaky and weird things happening in my visual and auditory world these last couple of days.

To start with it's been raining cats and dogs - almost literally. Because of the rain we've been sitting out one side of our unit and a house a few up from us has been waving it's stairs at me almost every time I look at it. It was even freakier when there was a person climbing the stairs when it decided to wave.

I was looking at one of our set of dragon candlestick holders yesterday when it flapped it's wings and started fighting with it's reflection in the mirror. Now it breathes fire at me every time I look at it and I'm considering moving it away from the mirror so it can't fight it's reflection. The problem there is that I can't work out which is more crazy... seeing the dragon fight or moving the dragon so it can't fight...

On top of those our white ute was fluorescent pink this morning. That one at least I could work out wasn't real. Then tonight we were sitting out the pool side of our unit and the pool fence started bending into the pool in a sort of a wave that went around the circle. Hmmm... I don't know if that even makes sense. The waving sort of went around the circle with one bit of the pool fence dipping into the pool after another. Kind of freaky.... Or maybe it's just freaky because it felt so normal...

My mood's been fairly low for a while now but today I've been really missing my little girl (my dog). She died several years ago, but I was walking through the supermarket this morning and saw the image of a schnauzer on a dog food label and nearly broke down in tears. When we got home I did start crying when I was sure that my fiancee wouldn't see. Then tonight I was blinking back the tears once again. I opened up to my fiancee about that and he told me that I'll always miss her, but that doesn't explain why I'm such a mess about her at the moment.

Well my voices have multiplied and they are really getting loud and in my ear about me committing suicide on my set date. I haven't told my fiancee about either my plan or my date as he has enough on his plate at the moment but when I tried to tell him not to worry about me and my issues he said he was more concerned. Some of the stuff that's going on I have told him, but I've kept really quiet on the more serious stuff. I really don't want him to worry or stress about me when he is feeling suicidal and homicidal himself.

We almost got collected twice by a taxi today when we were driving our car. To start with, the taxi driver completed an illegal u-turn right in front of us in the car length space between us and the car in front. The u-turn took the taxi to the furthest left lane, an he then proceeded to swing across two lanes of traffic - all without indicating - into the right-hand turning lane. If my fiancee hadn't hit the brakes when the taxi did the u-turn we would have hit him for sure, and it was only because we slowed right down that the taxi didn't collect us on his lane change maneuver. We reported the driver both to the taxi company and to the police. A professional driver should have more regard for road safety than that driver showed.

Now it's time to have my nightly battle over whether I should take my meds or not. Although I've usually won this fight (and taken my meds) it gets harder when the voices start getting stronger. *sigh*

crazykat · 25-01-2013, 01:30 PM

It sounds like things have been pretty for you lately. The voices and visual disturbances sound tough to deal with. Are you able to speak to your psych and let them know it's getting harder? Also I am worried that you have a suicide date please reach out and let someone know. You can get through this

Kahlia1981 · 22-02-2013, 08:54 AM

Kat: Thank you for your concern. I've now spoken to my psych, and told both him and my fiancee about my suicide date and plan.

Things have been crazy in some respects lately. Earlier this month I kept having mood drops that would have me in tears. Often I'd just burst into tears while I was talking with my fiancee but I kept trying to hide the fact that there was something wrong, and to hide my suicide plan. Once he found out for sure though, he was really supportive.

I've had troubles with uni.... but when aren't there problems with uni. This time I had to bug them for the result of my application for intermission. It got to the point where I had to email the appropriate person with a copy of the automatic email sent to me on January 10 more than a month later before they would do anything.

The surgeon I saw late last year, who promised that if I let him have a holiday he would operate on my shoulder, seems to have completely forgotten that he'd ever seen me. I think his note-taking must be very poor because he was talking about a very different operation to last time - hence he said that it was pointless. During the interview he manipulated my shoulder and I'm now able to dislocate and sublux it in several new directions. Not at all impressed...

On a positive note... My psychiatrist and GP have cleared my fiancee and I to start trying to have a child. From my psych's point of view, my medications are the best that they have ever been in terms of safety to both me and the child. Our GP, aside from being extremely shocked when we told him that we would like to start a family, also gave me the clean bill of health. We've been wanting to have a child for ages but we're getting older and want to do this before we reach an age where we can't run when the child runs.

I guess we just wait and see how things turn out.

Kahlia1981 · 22-02-2013, 11:53 AM

It's been getting creepy around here...

About two weeks ago I saw someone who shouldn't be on the property staring into both the bedroom and lounge of the young girl in unit 3. An hour later someone was looking into our bedroom window. Twice in the last week either my fiancee or I have surprised someone who was either checking out one of the units or staring in the window of unit 3. Apparently almost everyone on the property (10 units) has seen someone acting suspiciously. We rang the cops but it obviously wouldn't have been a priority to them unless it was their house that someone was checking out.

Talk about increasing the general anxiety... We're now paranoid about locking our place up when we aren't there, or during the night. It's stressing me out enough that I've had several smokes today. I quit smoking three weeks ago and am doing fairly okay on that until today. When my fiancee isn't here I completely lock the place up and am beginning to feel like a prisoner in my own house.

*sigh*

talaiporia · 23-02-2013, 09:22 PM

Hi there,

It sounds like things have been really hard for you. I'm glad you called the cops, but it might be worth keeping a log book of incidents (we did this when we had a crazy/creepy neighbour who kept coming into our garden and digging up flowers)

Hopefully he'll get caught soon enough.

Kahlia1981 · 11-03-2013, 03:01 PM

Soph: Thank you for your post and the concern within, and advise. We are definitely keeping track of any suspicious people who do not belong on the premises.

This last week my fiancee and I have been flat our both rehearsing and performing the play that I was in. We opened last Wednesday night and finished Saturday night. In some ways it is good that the show is finished, but it does make me yearn for the next one. I am secretly beginning to read the scripts for the upcoming plays to see if there are any parts that I am interested in, and have decided that I will audition for the play "Secret Bridesmaid's Business". The only thing that could really go against me for this play is that (as my fiancee and I are trying to start a family) I may be pregnant enough to be showing by the time the play goes on. However, since I enjoy the theatre I wish to keep my name in the ring, as it were, so that people know that they can count on me, and not get huffy if I don't get the exact role that I auditioned for.

It's been a very full on week with us often not getting home from the theatre until after 2:00 in the morning. Taking the meds that late has really not helped with our sleep patterns, and we've both been so scared that we would sleep through and miss a show that it's almost been a paranoid response. The show was well received though, and the critique from the paper was full of praise with no negativity at all.

Yesterday, being my suicide date, was extremely difficult but I managed to get through by sleeping most of the day. My fiancee is extremely aware of both what my plan was and the date I was intending to put it into action, and he was also aware of the method I was choosing and that I had access to the equipment required. He's much happier to see me get through that but has definitely noted the remarkable change in my mood since yesterday.

To top everything off I'm become quite agoraphobic, even to the point of being extremely uncomfortable sitting at a table just outside the front or back door. Thankfully I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and he may have some suggestions on how this can be treated without overdosing me on medication or costing a fortune.

For the last month and a half our block of units has been repeatedly visited by gentlemen who certainly don't belong there. They have been peeking in everyone's windows - particularly the bedroom window of a single girl who lives on the other side of the common area to us. On the way home from one of the rehearsals my parents caught two men who didn't belong on the unit block in the headlights of the car. Both he and us gave the description to the police (the third time we had called them). It really doesn't make me feel any better about being alone at night.

I saw my orthopaedic surgeon last week and he has changed his mind again and decided to operate. I'm on a waiting list that could take several years for the surgery to happen, but I do have a plan B up my sleeve. By the end of this week I will have at least one second opinion on the methods that are available to treat my shoulder and we shall see if they agree in any way shape or form. I'm actually incredibly anxious about it, but my "normal" doctor is not consistent so an outside opinion can't really hurt.

Before I go any further... After receiving clearance from both my psychiatrist and my GP my fiancee and I have begun trying to have a baby. We have not made this decision lightly and it isn't based on the "I have a baby I'll feel good" or "this child is the only reason I will stay alive". My fiancee and I love each other dearly and, since this is the best time both physically and in terms of my psychotropic medication, we decided to go for it.
- I am very sorry as I realise this is a very touchy subject for a lot of us, and I apologise profusely for any offence taken-

I am really hoping that things pick up... and begin to settle down again now that the extremely late nights and early morning settle to a more normal routine.

talaiporia · 12-03-2013, 12:21 AM

Good luck with the play and possible pregnancy.

Yesterday sounds very difficult, but I am really glad you got through it safely. The agorophobia sounds isolating. Personally, i find challenging the thoughts right at the beginning with issues, stops it escalating. Is there any way you try to go out, even if it was safe places?

The men sound very creepy; I'd call the police, even if they're not helpful.

Good luck with the surgeon.

crazykat · 23-03-2013, 02:06 PM

The play sounds like a positive thing for you, I hope you get the part that you want. Also good luck with the possible pregnancy. You did so well to make it through your planned date, well done for getting through it safely. I can only imagine that having those men around isn't helping things but hopefully the police can sort it out for you. I hope that things have picked up for you, thinking of you

Kahlia1981 · 24-03-2013, 04:10 AM

Talaiporia: Thanks. I'll write more about the agoraphobia and surgeon lately but I wanted to take the opportunity to thank you for taking the time to comment.

Kat: In some ways I can't wait for the auditions to begin as I'm really excited about the play. There are only four or five roles which means it could be a lot of competition but I'm going to make sure I've downloaded it prior to the audition and read as much of the characters as I can prior to auditioning. Thanks very much for your kind thoughts and assistance.

We haven't seen our nocturnal visitors since they were clearly spotted in the car headlights, but everyone in the unit block is still taking precautions. We actually had the property manager come around and ask questions about how long it had been going on for and the like. He is going to sit down with the owner to discuss if there are ways of ... making this property less attractive to them but the electronics of the place make that difficult.

Before I headed out to see my psychiatrist last week I had taken something like 10 mg of Xanax. Suffice it to say that I remember absolutely nothing about the appointment, but he was also made aware of why I was heavily using benzo's to get through. I have another appointment with him on the 27th and, as things have not been so good in terms of mood and suicidality, there will be plenty to talk about.

My fiancee took me to the GP to talk about my agoraphobia and he saw first hand the full blown panic attacks. He referred me to a psychologist for an urgent appointment and I saw her the next day. She was actually pretty good. She respected boundaries and when I told her why I distrust psychologists (especially after one of them felt me up) she was both supportive and informative. The particular psych who abused me is apparently under investigation from a series of other patients for similar events and she asked if I would mind being added to the list - but in such a way as it would never have to be brought up by anyone other than her. I'm seeing her again in two weeks time and my fiancee is again coming with me to try and keep me calm.

Along with the agoraphobia unsettling me my mood has dropped severely and I've become extremely suicidal. My fiancee would have taken me to hospital in the last couple of days if there had been any point to doing so and was close to putting me under a Community Treatment Order. Unfortunately the suicidality has not changed and I know that I'm walking a tightrope to keep safe. I don't want to be this way, but right now I can't think of any other way to be. Even with the wedding and the potential pregnancy I can't see anything other than a black 24 hours.

Last week I saw a second surgeon at the local hospital and he decided that my shoulder did not ever dislocate or sublux and that all I needed was physiotherapy. This was, mind you, without manipulating the joint or looking at anything except for the CT scan on the computer. He wrote out the form for physio (which has been tried several dozen times in the past) and put a sticker on it which I removed infront of him. When asked why I told them it was an old sticker so they told me to get one printed at the counter and submit the form. My fiancee was all set to do this when I ripped the form up into very small pieces and threw it in the garbage. I would love to report this "doctor" to the HQCC as I've previously done with other doctors but, since I should never see him again, I'll wait for him to be sued by one of his patients.

With the agoraphobia I'm still forcing myself to go to the porch and the patio and sit there for awhile. I'm even leaving the house to do things but my ability to cope without benzo's or support is strongly inhibited. If we drive somewhere it isn't uncommon for me to refuse to get out of the car no matter what we were doing or where we were going. To leave the unit takes a lot of preparation and when I can't handle it anymore we have to leave - even if we're only partway through what we are doing.

I really hope that things start to improve

crazykat · 24-03-2013, 11:30 AM

I am glad to hear that you haven't had any more unwanted visitors, hopefully it stays that way. It's good you have another appointment with your psych as it sounds like there are some things you need to talk though, hopefully it will be helpful for you. I'm glad to hear the psychologist was helpful too and that an investigation is being made against the other psychologist. You are doing well to even take small steps in challenging your agoraphobia.