Life, please... no more - Page 50

Kahlia1981 · 06-09-2012, 01:07 PM

Stardust: It sounds like you are having a bit of a catch-22 situation in terms of support from your mother and fiancée. Seeing the strain on the people we love is hard, and if you are anything like me the temptation is there to not confide in anyone but to hold it all inside. I'm sorry to hear that your fiancée is also having difficulties with health, I do hope that the tumour is able to be removed without too much pain and stress. I know that you don't know me from a bar of soap, but I hope that you are able to relieve some of the emotional stress you are under through talking to me and other people here on RYL. *hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 06-09-2012, 01:47 PM

Well I'm still coughing up blood, but there's at least another 2 - 3 weeks before the sputum cultures are complete. I have to admit the possible results from those cultures has been on my mind quite a bit. Both my sister and my fiancée have been reminding me that the blood could just be from blood vessels bursting from the strength of the coughing. My biggest concern, apart from the possible outcomes, is that I'll still be coughing up blood when I go for my anaesthetics appointment prior to my shoulder surgery and that it will mean the operation will be put off. A pretty stupid thing to be worried about, but that happened with my previous surgery.

Because of my being "unwell" and the added stress that uni work was placing on me I dropped a subject. While it wasn't what I really wanted to do, I also had to take into account that I could be spending time in hospital... Not really beneficial to university studies. So far I've submitted 2 assignments and am beginning my third, and I received 100% on my first assignment. I'm managing to stay on top of the work - even though we had to send my laptop to Brisbane to be fixed as the hard drive had died, and then had to completely reinstall my fiancée's laptop. Thankfully I had backed up all my data only a couple of days before the laptop had to be wiped. But there are further problems stemming from us only having one laptop, one USB modem stick and no other internet at this point.

My fiancée is travelling up to Cairns when they have a bed available so that he can undergo a medication change. I know that he is terrified about it, and I'm extremely nervous as well. Whilst I'm 100% aware that he will get the best care that they are able to give, I'm still anxious because there is a possibility that they will want to start from scratch, and will therefore take him off all his present medications. That might not sound like too much of a problem, but it only takes a couple of days for him to become psychotic when the meds are dropped suddenly. He should hear tomorrow about an admission date, and then all we have to do is buy him the necessary items and arrange the coach up there. He is intending to take the laptop and USB modem with him, effectively leaving me with no computer and no internet right in the middle of uni semester.

Over the last couple of weeks I've begun to have some psychotic symptoms that become quite distressing. One of the worst is the sensation (?) of bugs crawling all over my body. The only way at present to counter these unusual thoughts, sensations, voices, etc is to give me a small dose of a quick release anti-psychotic. Unfortunately I'm on an extremely high daily dose of Seroquel and have to be very careful what I put into my body. I'm writing my psychiatrist an email to pre-warn him about what is currently happening as I have an appointment with him next Wednesday.

My right arm is giving me some massive troubles at present. Just putting my hair into a ponytail, or typing for more than a couple of sentences causes pain and numbness in my arm. There's no real way to relieve it other than to put my arm down by my side for a couple of minutes and then to start all over again. This is becoming extremely frustrating, but I know that there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it at this point. Hopefully the shoulder surgery early next year will be enough, once I've regained the movement in my arm, to fix the problem without the surgeon having to resort to Plan B. I'm pretty sure that affixing part of my pelvis to my shoulder is not going to be particularly comfortable.

Right this moment though it's time to have a rest.

StardustedSky · 10-09-2012, 09:59 PM

Kahlia, you poor thing how are you holding up it must be so scary for you, I know my neighbour was just terrified. Handling that ontop of everything else can't be easy, stay strong remember if you ever need to talk all of us here are here to help and you can always email me :)

What surgery are you getting on your shoulder, when it that booked for? I don't blame you for being concerned I know here in the uk if you are presenting symptoms of even just a cold they can be funny about operations and anesthetic as it changes how your body responds or something. My fiancée is waiting for surgery to remove a tumour in his knee and he got sinusitis the other week. We went to the docs and he got some über strength antibiotics but it was made clear if he wasn't better he wouldn't be allowed the surgery.

Being unwell and trying to handle uni work is never easy, I went back to my 4th yr despite only getting out of hospital a week before. Due to my course the class only had 16 odd people but non of them were able to cope with me knowing what had happened and my injuries me standing there in a spinal brace and zimmer, it made it a very stressful and isolating year. In some ways though I found it good to have something positive to focus on. Y speaking to your uni and lecturers the support department were fantastic with me, buying any equipment I needed, arranging extensions, additional tutor sessions if I needed etc it's definitely worth a try they might even be able to arrange a laptop you could borrow or something. You are doing so so well, try and focus on that I know it's hard but when your having a rough time or a bad night there is a lot to be said for having coursework and something productive to focus you mind and distract you from any dark thoughts.

Any word on your fiancée admission date? I don't know about austrailia but I know here they never take you off things like antipsychotics cold turkey for the withdrawal risks. If hey do though at least he will be in a safe place rather than trying to change meds, work and manage just general living.

I suffer from a form of BPD which mixed with the PTSD can create psychotic episodes as a suits of night,ares fought time etc I often describe it like blacking out, Unfortunatly these are often very self destructive which makes getting a handle on things very hard as I almost not aware of the SI until after the damage is done. My fiancée often describes it a bit like a trace I'm so wrapped with pain and hurt and resentment of what's happened short of physically restraining me there is no talking me round. With this said I so sympathise for you, psychotic episodes can be so scary I think. I have had seroquel but I found it didn't curb things for me without being on a stupidly high dose. I know take a combo of fluoxetine and quitiapime (also known as atroxel or something) the Quitapime has been a help for me to try and stop such significant drop offs and it also has a senators effect to try and help me get to sleep as even though it's been over 3 years since my crash I am still lucky if I make 3hrs sleep a night with the nightmares and stuff. It's good you are seeing your psychiatrist soon, just being able to talk things through with everything going on he might think a dose change or maybe trying something else might help to tide you over through this rough time if your struggling. Do you still see a psychologist?

That surgery sounds crazy, you poor thing. Living in constant pain is never say, especially when you then combine with my stuff it can make life not only frustrating but very hard and lonely. A lot of people just don't understand, I know many people find it hard to understand why I have to lie down in the middle of a supermarket aisle if my back is sore, I think when people can 'see' the cause so for me I broke my back it was fine while I was in a spinal brace and zimmer but now even though I still have a stick people seem to forget its not something tha will ever full recover just like the paralysis. Just because I'm not in a wheelchair does not mean you can't be partly paralysed. You must find the same with your shoulder I would guess?

Stay strong, I'm always he is you need to talk, especially when your fiancée is away as I know if your anything like me you will not only worry for him but you won't want to burden him with your problems during that time so your support network suddenly gets that bit weaker when you often need it most.

Hugs xxx

Kahlia1981 · 13-09-2012, 02:37 PM

Stardust: I'm sorry that I'm not feeling up to writing you a full reply tonight. I'll have to come back to do it, but some of your questions will be answered in what I do write tonight.

Well my fiancée is in hospital in Cairns. He left on the 07:00 coach yesterday morning and is doing okay. They've added a new medication in to his mix and are titrating him down off his other anti-psychotic. He has been in absolute agony for most of today because one of the nurses kept him from getting his painkillers as the nurse was "concerned" about the amount of opiates my fiancée is on. So far he has found the psychiatrist pretty good. One of the things about Australia is that some doctors think that because you are in hospital they can just remove all your medications, clear out the system and start from scratch. Thankfully they haven't done that in his case.

I'm still coughing up blood and am getting a bit sick of it. In a way it's a good thing that I'm not coughing anywhere near as frequently (unless I start getting freezing cold or experience other extreme temperature variations), but I'd really like the cough to go away for good. We're still waiting for the results of the culture, but so far the sputum tests have come back fine just like the bloods and x-ray. I can't stop myself from thinking that this "bug" is hiding itself as it doesn't want to be found. That probably sounds either stupid or paranoid, but I've had the underlying chest infection for about four years now and no-one has been able to diagnose what it is. My brother (an ICU nurse) believes that it now will not ever be able to be treated as it has been left too long.

Of course, the worst thing about them not being able to find a reason for the cough and chest issues is the risk of not having the surgery. The surgery won't happen until February of March - possibly later - but I won't get a final date until after I see my surgeon in February. The last time my shoulder was operated on (three years ago) the first two attempts were stopped by the anesthetist saying I wasn't mentally well enough. At least that won't be a problem this time, as my psych has already approved me for the surgery. Because my issue is with lax ligaments they are hoping to go in arthroscopically and sink some more anchors into my shoulder - and probably make sure that the last ones they put in are holding.

Yesterday I saw my psych and had a nice long chat to him about the tactile and visual hallucinations as well as my low mood. He said that the hallucinations sounded like withdrawals, which is a bit odd as I haven't had any changes in meds, nor stopped taking anything. In order to compensate for what my brain thinks it isn't getting he's put me on a temporary dose of chlorpromazine (Largactil) where I take 100mg morning and lunch and 200mg at night - as I'm heading to bed - and he's seeing me again in two weeks. In addition, my psych has agreed to lowering my Seroquel to give us some room to move once again. Because I'm on 1600mg I don't have much room to spare if I need a little bit of a helping hand. So, about a month before I head back to Brisbane for ECT we'll start reducing the dose.

I cried good, long and hard last night. For me that is almost unheard of. It was find when I went out to watch a play that my parents were in and really enjoyed myself but then I came home to an empty house. As I walked through the door my brain seemed to register that my fiancée wasn't there and wouldn't be there. Despite being absolutely exhausted I just couldn't stop being restless. When I made my final cup of tea the tears just began to fall and I couldn't have stopped them if I tried. I'm really hoping that this will get a bit easier... but at the same time I don't know if that would help either.

This morning I slept in. I'm not really surprised as it took quite a bit of medication to give me a chance to sleep. The weirdest thing is that I'm sure I turned the bedroom fan on when I went to sleep and it was off when I woke up. None of the doors were locked in such a manner that someone had locked them on their way out, but they were all locked. I figure that I must have gotten cold in the night and got up and turned the fan off. The fact that I don't remember doing it isn't such a big issue given how tired I was. Three or four crap nights of sleep in a row can do that to you.

I got invited to go to an international meeting for the Clubhouse project that I'm part of. Because I had to tell them then and there whether I could go I couldn't check with my fiancée. Whilst I did tell him later I felt ... odd ... about making the decision without checking with him. The conference is on while he's still likely to be in hospital anyway so it's not like he's going to get home and then I'm going to leave immediately afterwards.

Right now I need to try and get some decent sleep tonight. *sigh*

StardustedSky · 14-09-2012, 08:15 PM

Kahlia, I feel so sorry for your fiancée, it's so hard when a nurse or doctor thinks they know better and question he drugs your on. Iv lost count how many closed minded people have done this too me, often the emergency personnel being the worst which is dire! It's so good he likes the psychiatrist it took me 6 months to open up and trust my guy so having someone you trust is so important.

It can be so hard when your ill and they keep coming back with no answers. I had that problem when I broke my back I continually complained of problems with my left leg and numbness as well as problems in my vision it got put off and put off continually have tests and no answers it got to the point it was determined as undefined nerve damage and therefore there was nothing they could do and I was supposed to be happy with that being left as disabled but consultants continually questioning whether it was 'all in my head' because of my psych problems. Finally a my psychologist referred me to this new experimental neurology expert and he diagnosed functional paralysis, I thought I would never get an answer and had 3 years of frustration before getting anywhere but sometimes things can tip in your favour. I would think because of your recent problems they will at least take the investigations more seriously which sounds a bit twisted but sadly it's often true.

I went and double checked my meds im on seroquel too (that's what I know as quitiapime) that is a pretty steep dose, how are you finding coming down? I have been trying to reduce mine because of the pregnancy but just as this has happened life has kicked off (il cover this later) and I just can't cope. The biggest thing iv noticed with it is my reliance on it to help me settle enough to get a few hours sleep.

I think the empty house thing is far from daft, I am have been considered not safe in a house by myself, in particular overnight, for about a year for a very similar reason. The empty feeling for me just resembles everything iv lost in my life so friends and family take it in turns if Craig is not here withnwnoever is staying sharing a bed with me. That said typically this role falls to 2 people my best friend or my mum. I put one of Craig's smelly t-shirts on a pillow that I can then cuddle and smell at night which helps a bit. Have you tried that I also wear his deodorant and stuff, I know it's weird and I currently smell like a boy but it does make a difference. My biggest problem with myself is gong round and round and round and not being able to pull myself out of that destructive downward and hatred spiral so I so feel for you, the feeling of complete lack of control is so scary especially when you don't have a person here that you can physically and emotionally lean on. It's quite common for me to loose track of actions at night other than my blackouts, I still really struggle with nightmares and flashbacks as a result of our accident so I don't get much more than 3 hours sleep a night if things are hard (like just now) I'm lucky if I get anything and when this happens I often couldn't tell you whether I had had a shower or not let alone whether I got up in the night :p

Wow that meeting sounds fantastic, what is it about? I'm sure he understands that activities like that make a big difference, especially when you have a mh issue. I need to feel needed and that my life has some purpose and getting involved with things whether it's been the local coffee morning or work has been essential to help me stay grounded.

Things have been bad here, my fiancé has been waiting for surgery for a tumor in his knee. The operated last year, removing 7cm3 of bone and replaced with donor bone. They thought they had got it all however we found out early this year, about march, that it was back and the was another tumour. The plan had been to repeat the surgery conducted however the consultant called him in on tues following some test slots coming through and its not great news. As a result he was taken in for a triple biopsie yesterday and his big op will be middle of October. The October op will depend on the biopsie results but basically options are amputation, hallow out and fill with medical cement or take a bone saw remove bone completely and rebuild with combination of plates, pins and donor bone. As things stand the most likely option is the final one.

I feel so lost, my fiancé has all this going on so I can't burden him with my problems just now, he needs me to be strong he gets by, by believing everything's doing to be ok (something I definitely don't do) so I'm continually plastering on this cold calm 'face' making out I'm fine I can cope everything is just peachy while inside I'm crumbling faster than a oatcake! I have very traditional views and as iv said I like to feel needed so the fact I haven't been able to look after him the way I want really gets to me, I couldn't even drive hm into the hospital because becuases of my PTSD I'm too scared to drive! I just feel I'm letting him down and that people are judging me and my ability to be a good wife. I think because the baby is coming although no one knows about that yet I can't help but have that playing on my mind, I mean if I can't look after a full grow man how can I look after a baby!? Things are not helped by the fact that I do not see eye to eye with his mother and she has been the be iv had to tur to to drive him into hospital-something she has loved holding over me'her boy will always need her'. She was even in tears the morning of the surgery that how could I possibly up him on 'that' bed (which she slept in the night before and my fiancé will have to sleep in after the surgery because he can't do stairs) I have slept on that bed plenty before and been fine even with my broken back! It's daft and probably just insecurity but I really took this hard, especially when she is then raising maybe he would be best with her (although she knows I wouldn't be able to go, not that she offered) as he needs his 'mama' to look after him properly and there is no way she would out her poor injured son on a bed like that!

It's a huge insecurity for me and so triggering for my destructive periods it's like instant fuel as the doubt, pain and frustration take over my body. Maybe he will be better with her, I can't offer him the care he deserves but I know she offers less and would be about less (she got her way after the last surgery) so this is based on experience she even wouldn't allow me to come out and see him because 'she was too busy' or just wanted her own space, I mean come on! I'm just scared she will try the same trick again and I will loose him, he says he is happy here but I think because I'm not happy with how much I can offer him I can't believe he can be happy.

Phew sorry for the huge email, I'm having a similar night to our last night so have probably waffled on between tears but just needed to get it all out. Did you manage to get some sleep?

Hugs xxx

Kahlia1981 · 15-09-2012, 09:22 AM

Stardust: This particular nurse and my fiancée ended up having a showdown of the "my d*ck is bigger than yours" variety, which did end up okay. He's still uneasy around that particular nurse, but at least they are giving him his medications as prescribed - and without having to contact the psych every five minutes.

At this point there is no end in sight in regards to my underlying chest infection. Funnily enough both this illness and the information you shared reminded me that this is not the first "undiagnosable" illness I have had. Several years ago I developed a complete lack of sensation and movement in one of my legs. I had to re-learn how to walk because I couldn't tell whether my foot was on the ground or not. They did all the neurological tests that they were inclined to do and found nothing overly abnormal. The final test involved removing some fluid from my spinal cord and checking it. In the end they decided that it was due to a virus in my brain and spinal cord - the brain as well as I had initially had a seizure that they couldn't explain. Thankfully, after several months of walking either on crutches or using a walking stick that did settle down. Maybe I'm just a collection of unexplainable circumstances wondering about looking human.

I'm not coming down off the Seroquel just yet as my psych believes in one thing and a time, and is currently trying to put out the bush fires that appear that mimic withdrawals. Our intention is to start coming down about a month prior to my next ECT session which should take place in December or January. The surgery on my shoulder, which is likely to be February or March, kind of governs when I can have the treatment, as I will be unable to - except under the most dire conditions - for six months after the surgery. We will be trying to bring me back to 1000 mg (of the XR version) and part of that is also because my fiancée and I would like to have a child. Unfortunately the opiates are a factor there too, but also one that we have a semi-plan for.

I followed your suggestion today and asked my fiancee if I could spray some of his cologne onto a t-shirt to place on the pillow next to me for when I'm having trouble sleeping as he's not there. He agreed and could even see how that would help me. It's amazing sometimes how just the smallest things can have a really strong psychological effect on you. Despite how I've been feeling this afternoon I've felt much calmer when I've been in the bedroom where the smell still lingers.

The international conference that I've been invited to is for Clubhouses. Before I go further here: a clubhouse is an organisation for people with a mental illness that is run, to a large extent, by people with a mental illness. I'm part of the foundation committee, and part of the members advisory committee. We have two clubhouses in my state, and we are working hard to get one in my city. The entire project which has many different sections within it is run basically by people with a mental illness, and the advisors who step in when illness strikes. I've only seen one of the QLD clubhouses (Stepping Stones Clubhouse in Brisbane) but this conference will be at the other one (Toowoomba Clubhouse). I'm excited, but I guess I'm also a bit concerned about how I'll hold up given the current circumstances.

I'm sorry to hear that your fiancée is facing the surgery the way it stands. I really do hope that they are able to remove every trace of the tumor and that he will be left with the leg. It sounds terrifying for both of you, and I can understand your uneasiness with your future mother-in-law. I'm not overly surprised that you took his mother's comments - particularly about the bed - to heart. You want to do the best thing for your fiancée. You want him to have the best chance of recovery, and you want to look after him but also know that that will be a major problem for you. From what you've said about her, she enjoys having over you the fact that you can't do everything for him that you could/should be able to. I say could/should because that's the way our mind works - not necessarily the truth.

I've been so lonely today, just really felt it for the first time. On top of that I've been feeling extremely uneasy. I can settle at doing one thing, being in one room or even just trying to find something to do. For the first real time since my fiancée left for Cairns I've had to turn to Xanax. I did try to minimize the amount I was using however. I took one 2mg tablet about 15:00 (3pm) and didn't take another one for two hours. At last I have settled down somewhat.

I'm not the only thing that has settled down.... the weather is beginning to get quite cold so I'm going to have to go and put some more warm weather gear on. I have no idea what the weather is going to be like in Toowoomba so I guess I have to pack for a bit of everything. Meh.

StardustedSky · 15-09-2012, 09:25 PM

Kahlia I can't imagine what your going through, when I broke my back it took we 3 months of rehab to get to a point where I was realised from hospital all be it on crutches and a spinal brace. I hated it I spent a year in the brace complaining something was wrong with my leg, it wasn't until I got out of the brace and they started neurological tests they took me seriously (basically because the neurologist was able to cut my foot open o the sole and I didn't move a muscle) however not having an answer hung over me. I have always healed funny with keloid scars etc so iv never been a normal case which I can only describe as the most frustrating thing so my heart does go out to you as this time round it almost broke me.

I am currently 14wks pregnant news we never thought to hear after being advised against it by consultants due to my physical issues we were told it would be unlikely I would conceive and they would not recommend if as my body would be unlikely to take strain therefore causing risk to baby. That said so far things are going ok, I get monitored every week due to the high risk nature and thankfully my midwife is very understanding and I have had no lectures about opiates, psych drugs and so on. My family history isn't great either, but I suppose what I'm saying is don't loose hope of having that child. The obstetrician we have is great no lectures about meds and in her words 'if we can help someone who has a heroin addiction to have a kid I see no reason why your pregnancy won't be successful) seroquel is an awkward tablet there haven't been any long term studies about its effects in pregnant women but I think coming down is always good but don't feel the pressure to come completely off as ultimately you need to be able to see through the pregnancy with all mh stuff it brings.

It is really daft the smell thing but it was one of the few things that got me through hospital when my fiancée was lying elsewhere with a broken back and so unable to visit. I find it a huge saviour for my PTSD probs and if I am traveling in a car without him I always spray on his cologn to try and help reassure me. Wow the clubhouse stuff sounds so fantastic I am so I awe of you I would love to give a voice like that but there isn't much like that over here.

Understandably I think you have too much playing on your mind which is why you probably find you can't settle. Iv now not slept for 4 nights straight (since I found out about my fiancée surgery) normally would resort to a cocktail of painkillers and sleeping tablets but I can't do that now because I'm pregnant which is making things harder to cope with as I'm not safe at night at the best of times and with everything on top being awake is the last thing I need. I have taken to cooking, playing piano and to try and fulfill the SI deserve scraperfoil art. Try having a little list of things that you can do if you can't settle which you can pick up and leave, like baking bread, you mix the dough, leave for half an hour, kneed it like crazy, leave to proof for a few hours, separate up and bake.
Could you Skype your fiancé? I have been doing that with mine from hospital just before I try to sleep so between that and the cologn it feels a bit more like he's here.

Hugs xxxx

Kahlia1981 · 18-09-2012, 09:04 AM

Stardust: When I had the virus in my brain and spinal cord they were able to cut the sole of my foot without me flinching. They shoved pins all over my legs and my leg was drenched with blood. I was scared and cried because of all the blood and they told me that there was nothing wrong because I was crying. It did eventually take a Spinal Tap which was most uncomfortable. Thankfully we knew I was allergic to latex by then so I didn't have to deal with anaphalaxis at the same time.

Congratulations on the pregnancy. The only drug in my regime that I have to completely come off (to my understanding) is the opiate. I'm intending to speak to my GP about reducing my dose prior to my surgery. With the opiates at this level in my system we might not be able to see whether the operation does anything - other than remove my ability to move for awhile - and the anaesthetist is going to be much happier to operate without the opiates. Whilst there have not been any long term studies on the effect of Seroquel in pregnancy, the bigger risk from what I have read is the danger of passing it on whilst breast-feeding. I know Seroquel is secreted in breast milk so I suppose that makes sense. I haven't given up hope on having a child yet, but I don't think I will ever breastfeed - even though I'd like to.

May I ask where you are? The Clubhouse is international and has, well, Clubhouses all over the place. I think I have a list of what is available and where. But, even if one doesn't exist now there is a massive movement to put them everywhere so that we (as people with mental illnesses) can have a chance at a "normal" life and do the "normal" things. I'm not sure if that makes sense, I'm pretty down right now and am finding sentences a bit difficult so I apologise for that.

Funnily enough my fiancée and I Skype'd only the other day. It did really help to see his face as well as hear his voice. We speak on the phone quite regularly but to be able to see his emotional responses.... The only problem we have with Skype-ing at night is that with the new meds they are trying he can pass out really early - much earlier than I'm ready to go to sleep... and vice versa. The other problem is our internet hasn't been connected yet so I'm using a 3G stick that has to last until I'm back from Toowoomba. Meh.

I put my finance's cologne-smelling shirt onto my teddy bear that I take in to hospital with me when I have to go. Bear is about 15 years old and the shirt is way to big, but it's super cute. And kind of gives me something substantial to cuddle when I'm trying to sleep. The human brain is amazing sometimes with what it will do to try and keep us calm....

crazykat · 18-09-2012, 09:44 AM

Thinking of you hun, keep fighting. You can get through this xxx

Kahlia1981 · 22-09-2012, 01:20 PM

Kat: Thanks hun.

This last week has been somewhat nightmarish in nature. About five days ago I really started getting hammered by the depression once we hit late afternoon, with it worsening as it got dark. Initially there was no obvious special trigger, but having my fiancée away certainly didn't help. I originally thought that it was just me missing him that was causing the low moods.

Wednesday night I reached the point where a semi-overdose on Xanax was required to stop me doing anything else to harm myself. I tried not to tell my fiancée what was happening, but he got more concerned when I asked him if the key to my black safe-box was here and I wouldn't answer properly why I wanted the key. Inside that box are a lot of my tools and the necessary items for one of my suicide plans, so I don't really blame him. I was trying not to worry him because things haven't been going so well for him up in the hospital but ended up making him worry more. Thankfully he didn't ring an ambulance, but he knew that I had tried to minimize the risk of me doing something worse, and that with what I had taken I should just fall asleep and wake a bit groggy. He knew that my mother was going to visit me the following day so he rang her and asked her to please make sure she saw me.

Since then I've been taking roughly 10 - 12 mg of Xanax per day, but have been splitting it so that I'm taking 6 mg throughout the day and the rest at night to put me to sleep. My fiancée is also regularly calling me to see how I'm doing - as well as to give me updates on how he is doing. He knows that I've spent a lot of time recently pretending or play-acting that I'm okay and he's been trying to help me to open up and be honest about how I'm going not just with him but with my mother as well. It has not been easy to do.... I'm not managing it with my mum very well at all, but I am trying to let her into my world.

Thursday I felt like something was different, mentally, within me but I couldn't work out what it was. It wasn't that I was missing my fiancée, or that my mood was dropping, although both of those were occurring, it was just something different. There was nothing that I could put my finger on, but something inside my head had changed. It also wasn't the hallucinations because I've been free of them for a week or so now. Yesterday I began to realise that I'm beginning, very gradually, to get back some of my long-term memories that I lost when I first had ECT. At that point the memories were vague, with nothing I could really find tangible. I couldn't remember specific events from my childhood but I had the sensation that there were memories there to be found. Today the memories were not only there but tangible. Unfortunately the memories that I'm aware of, and are having an emotional reaction to, are all negative and some include my childhood sexual abuse and the suicide of my, at the time, boyfriend. I spoke to my fiancée today about it because I was really concerned, given the memories that I am aware are back and the emotional reaction that was with them, that I wouldn't be able to cope and that it might threaten our relationship. I don't mean that it would cause us to split up but that the memories and emotions from the SA would cause me to be frightened of him. I'd been debating whether I should tell him what was going on, or whether I should wait until I see my psych on Thursday, but decided that I needed support to get through this, and that the support was best provided early. Plus my fear (rational or otherwise) that I would be frightened of him I thought needed to be discussed early so that it didn't start to happen and I then couldn't tell him why. If that makes sense. One other reason that the return of these memories concerns me is that my DID has been nicely controlled since I had the initial ECT sessions and lost the memories of 27 years of my life. Prior to that ECT my DID was not at all controlled and it's hard on both me and everyone around me when I keep changing personalities. In some ways it is easier on me than on those around me, because I'm not aware of the personality change, at least not on a conscious level. But the flipping between the personalities makes me extremely tired. I guess that's just something to discuss with my psych when I see him next week.

My fiancée threatened to discharge himself from the hospital today due to failings on the part of his psychiatrist. He hasn't seen her since Tuesday, despite the fact that she is supposed to see her every two days. So far she has only made one change to his psych meds but has been playing with his pain meds - something she said at the beginning that she wouldn't do because she was no pain specialist. The meds she put him on for the pain made him groggy and aggressive, and did jack all about the pain. Yesterday, after not asking for pain killers for two days to give the meds a chance to work, he required every pain killer in his repertoire for it to have any effect whatsoever. His doctor promised to see him on Wednesday and didn't, on Thursday and didn't and yesterday and didn't. Then she wasn't scheduled on for the weekend, meaning that by Monday when he sees her they will have wasted almost a full week without affecting his psych drugs at all. Because he threatened to discharge himself today one of the other psychs is going to see him tomorrow, and it will depend on what happens then how things go from there. The doctor who will see him tomorrow was requested to speak to him or affect the change of medications today but wasn't interested in seeing him. He plans to have a chat to the manager on Monday about both his doctor and one of the nurses with whom he has had a confrontational relationship to say the least. However; if the doctor tomorrow sees him and her manner is friendly he may ask her to take his case, if she is... unhappy about seeing him, he'll ask for discharge on medical grounds. So far he's done 100% of what he agreed to do by going up there and participating as far as possible in the therapy offered, but they have fallen short on their part of the agreement the whole way through. So we wait and see what happens next.

I saw my GP yesterday because I'm going to the Clubhouse Conference and will be 1000 miles away when I'm due to see him on Tuesday, and got my script for the Oxycontin that I was supposed to get filled on Tuesday also. I brought up with my GP that I want to start, very slowly, reducing my level of the Oxy's prior to my shoulder surgery. I told him that I realised that I would be in pain, in some cases in absolute agony, but that I wanted both the anaesthetist and the surgeon to not have to include my 80 mg per day when they do the calculations for the IV morphine during/after the surgery. I don't necessarily want to be opiate free, although that would be nice, but I would rather they have to take a smaller dose into account to make it less complex for them and more safe for me. Because my surgery is likely to be in March he could understand why I brought it up so early as it's going to take quite a bit of time to drop my levels and at times will be extremely unpleasant. I also put forward the argument that we wouldn't know if the surgery was effective if I was on a large dose of opiates the whole way through and he couldn't argue there either. Then I suggested that after the surgery and rehabilitation would be the perfect time for me and my fiancée to start trying to have a child as I would be opiate free and have the time to organise any changes that need to happen in my psych meds. The only real issue would be the ECT, and I will bring that up with my psych when I see him and the ECT doctor as well prior to even trying to fall pregnant.

My mum came around today and I spoke to her about my fiancée and I wanting to have a child before we were too old, and that things were beginning to be put in place so that in roughly 12 months we would be able to start trying. I can't be 100% sure of her emotional reaction, whether she thought it would be positive or negative, because she distances herself from her emotions. She brought up the likelihood of me having post-natal depression and other after effects, but she also was telling me that I may not be able to fall pregnant because of my other issues, what they were she didn't say. Aside from telling me that it might never happen because I might not be able to have a child she offered assistance with taking care of the baby in the initial period. That for me tells me that she isn't totally against the idea, but I don't think that she was expecting it. I'm sure that she will raise her objections over time.

Well tomorrow I leave for the conference. I'm almost entirely packed, just have to pack my laptop and cords and I'll be ready to go. I'm excited, nervous and really unsure that my depression isn't going to take over everything. My fiancée and mother keep reminding me though that at least one third of the people there will also have mental illnesses and should show more of a "can we help" attitude than a "get away from me I might catch your MI" attitude. In reality we won't know until we get there, so I might as well stop worrying about it.

Now I need to try and get my brain ready for bed, but it isn't really keen on the idea. I should probably also eat something, but I'm not particularly hungry. Right now I just really hope that everything goes okay and the tears stop falling eventually.

StardustedSky · 23-09-2012, 09:24 PM

Kahlia you poor soul you have been faced with so many trials as of late but you are doing so well so try to stay strong.

It's such a hard balancing act when your main support ie your fiancée is not well, I always feel guilty like i am burdening mine with my problems especially just now whe things as rough. It will be hard for I'm too as he will want to be here for you and striking that point where you give him enough information to keep him informed without worrying his is always very tricky but I think maybe in this case confiding all and then reassuring by telling him steps out taken to stay safe might be a good idea such as a friend coming to stay or asking someone else to look after the lack box key for you so the temptations not there. I think things are always harder at night when you don't have someone there, I know my darkness spirals take ver a lot more and I am prone to be more destructive as there is no one there to stop me. With that said could you maybe get friends or family to come stay with you or even borrow someone's dog or pet so that you have a feeling of company at night?

It's so rubbish to hear about your partner and the hospital, how are things now any better? He will be doubly frustrated as if he like most males he will just want to protect you fom the world so he can manage if your struggling and they are doing something but if he feels he's not getting the support he needs and therefore it's not best utilising the time I can not imagine how frustrated he must be.

It so great to hear your hoping to tweak your meds. You don't have to be off oxy's for pregnancy and they have not be proven to cause infertility or misscarriges. The biggest prib is withdrawl when their born however with monitoring for the first few weeks and especially if you breast feed you can almost naturally wean them off and prevent withdrawl probs (well according to my obs anyway) with my physical disabilities and long standing family history of fertility probs I was told I'd be unlikely to conceive or if I did my body would get to point where couldn't take stress and would try to abort. Here in Scotland if your likely to be a high risk or face probs either trying or during pregnancy or oth they recommend prepregnancy councillng.

This is basically and our or so long session with an infertility and obs specialist consultant who will run through issues, how they will be handled various scenarios you might face and so on. The guy I had was great and although it was clear having would be a big problem if I could conceive after the session I at least knew that if I did or they were able to do ivf what my options would be if I had problems such as weekly monitoring through 1st and 2nd trimester and monthly scans to being admitted for final trimester to ensure complete bedrest and away from any stressful situations. As he said if they can delivery a baby of a heroin addicted prostitute there was no reason why they could not support me in my choice to try/have a child regardless of my disabilities or mh issues. Might be worth a try, I survive by controlling things and my environment and it put a lot of my concerns at rest a bit aswell as I knew in more detail what I faced and if infertility was prob (like it was) what options I had from hormon drugs to ivf.

Your mum is maybe a bit scared. Our family history is not great and my mum had 5 misscarriges between the 3 and 6 month mark one of which ment her whole womb collapsing in on itself. With that in mind we haven't told anyone and the Bly people who know is my mum and our 2 bosses. We are not telling anyone else including remaining parents and brothers and sisters until the 6 month mark. This said my mum is very reserved about her emotions when it comes to the pregnancy but. Think she just knows how hard it was for her and until things are more safe I don't think she wants to get my hopes up. You will be more prone to post natal dep but you have a great support network and there s lots of help out there so I wouldn't let it put you off. For me having a baby would be like getting some purpose in my life back so even though things will be really rough if it works I think having the baby will help give me that positive drive I struggle to find.

How did the conference go, well I hope? It sounds like such a fantastic thing to be involved in! Always here if you need to talk, you are so strong (although it may not feel that may just now) try and keep yourself busy, I find that helps to keep my mind on activities from something creative like sewing and writing to baking, might be worth a try *hugs* xxx

Living Dead Girl · 25-09-2012, 11:14 PM

focus on the good news, the rest will fall into place eventually xx

Kahlia1981 · 27-09-2012, 01:27 PM

Stardust: Thanks. I can't borrow someone's pet as that would break the terms of my lease. I have considered spending the night at my parents place but right at the moment that doesn't really work for me. The main reason for that is that my parents are currently living in the granny flat and my sister and her family residing in the main house. Even though my sister and family are away I'm not comfortable sleeping in the house, and there's no where for me to sleep in the flat.

Gem: Thank you for your insight and advice.

The conference was really good. Although I came back from it extremely exhausted, I also came back with a head full of ideas. I met quite a large number of people with similar illnesses and backgrounds, and actually felt like I could let my guard down whilst among them. I even felt comfortable enough to tell them that it was my birthday yesterday. One of the people I told announced it to a workshop that I was part of, but had been intending to announce it to the whole group. I'm quite thankful that she didn't. The person closest to me actually went to the kitchen and got a candle and matches and put it into a piece of cake.

I had a long walk several times a day from my dorm room to the main area of the conference which had quite a bit of hill in it. In the dorm I was in I shared a 4 bed room with one other person, but it didn't feel overly constricted. As a matter of fact, the person I was sharing with I had met before at the new Clubhouse training in Brisbane. I would get up in the morning and go for coffee and a shower and when I walked back into the room she'd ask me what time it was and then decide whether or not to go back to sleep for a bit longer. My time in the dorms was really useful however as we would all sit and chat in the lounge rooms about life, the universe and everything and could get input for our individual situations from people who have been through similar events in a face-to-face manner.

The best part of the whole conference for me was meeting someone I could totally relate to, and she lives in Brisbane. I got along with her so well that I'm intending to meet up with her again when I'm next heading down for ECT. I'm also maintaining contact with several other people both from previous hospitalisations and the conference. My hope is that I will be able to meet up with some of them at one time or another for coffee, or just as an excuse to leave the hospital with someone that I know. It's always so lonely when you're in hospital 1000 miles from home.

The weather in Toowoomba was ... weird. The day that we arrived, after getting lost on the drive out there and arriving later than expected, was warm. I felt bad about not bringing my swimmers for the pool party that was due to happen the next night. We also missed dinner and had to stop off at a service station that was also a McDonalds to get some food. We did arrive however, and had a good time. On Monday the weather was warm until mid-afternoon when we had both rain and hail. By the time of the pool party the weather was cold and I was glad I had brought more warm clothes. I needed the warm clothes the whole rest of the conference but was still feeling as if I was freezing. Mind you, when we headed back to Brisbane I felt severely overdressed, and it was worse when I got home.

This morning I saw my psychiatrist and talked to him about the conference. I managed to make him interested in the Clubhouse project and he intends to visit one of the Clubhouses in Brisbane on one of his many trips down there. We also talked about the bug hallucinations that mimic withdrawal symptoms. We've decided to cut out one of the largactil (chlorpromazine) tablets - specifically the midday dose - and move the morning dose to mid-morning instead of breakfast time. We talked about the seroquel (quetiapine) and my and my fiancée's intention to begin trying for a child once I've had my shoulder operation. He is quite happy with the idea and is intending not to touch my psych meds until I've been through the surgery and the rehabilitation. He also raised the idea of psychotherapy in relation to my memories that are returning and we had a full and profitable discussion.

All in all, things aren't too bad right now. I just miss my fiancée who, at this point, is due back on Tuesday night. I really can't wait. At least I'm at home and sleeping in my own bed.

Kahlia1981 · 28-09-2012, 12:52 PM

I've been trying to type this post for an hour or more this evening but can't seem to get the words out. I'm feeling depressed, edgy and agitated and can't lay the blame at any particular feeling, emotion or event. I think it's worse because my fiancée is away. In some ways it makes me feel like I can't cope when he's not here. I can't seem to settle at doing anything, even watching a movie or surfing the 'net. It just doesn't seem to matter what I'm trying to do, I'm struggling with it. My brain just doesn't seem to be functioning properly. Everything seems to take far more concentration and work than usual. I'm hoping that this is only a short-term problem as I still have one assignment left to work on and submit and can defer my exam if necessary. Please let this not last long

Kahlia1981 · 07-10-2012, 10:47 PM

Well things are back to normal now with us living on a shoe-string budget and struggling to make it through each fortnight. Having said that, yesterday we paid the car registration and CTP insurance and used the money and gift cards I was given for my birthday to pay for some new clothes for me. Unfortunately I still need heaps more clothes as I only have two sets of summer day wear, but it will have to come when we have the money.

This week I see my psych doctor again and he should be dropping me off 100mg of the Largactil (chlorpromazine) that I'm presently on. He's very happy with how things are going in terms of the withdrawal symptoms. We still have no idea why I was having the withdrawal symptoms to begin with as I wasn't coming off any meds and I don't take recreational drugs. It is/was a bit of an oddity. But then, I guess I've never really been "normal" in terms of my reactions to stimuli.

Yesterday I did 50 minutes of Zumba and then jumped into the pool. Both were really good although I stank of chlorine after the swim. It was the first time I've made it through that Zumba video the whole way and I was quite impressed with myself for making it through. In terms of the pool, it hasn't been cleaned properly in quite some time and there were still pool toys in the bottom either from last summer, or from over a month ago when the kids were brave enough to jump in. I fished them out while my fiancee cleaned the ground area of the pool fence. While I did enjoy the swim and being in the cool water, I didn't enjoy the itching and smell afterwards.

I love having my fiancee home and my mood and level of wellness has improved markedly since he arrived back. I'm still getting low moods in the afternoons and am finding myself either bursting into tears or being on the edge of bursting into tears quite regularly. The worst times of day for me seem to be late afternoon to early evening, maybe just because I don't have as much to distract me then. Because there has been improvement I may not have to go down to Brisbane to hospital until January, but I'm not making a move in either direction just yet.

My family had a birthday BBQ for me and my sister on Saturday as our birthdays were last week and, for the first time in several years, my brother arrived and was able to stay for the whole thing. He works as a nurse in the ICU at our local hospital and seems to always be on call. It's not been uncommon for him to arrive at a family gathering, tell us he'd been called into work and arrange for my family members to either take his kids home or look after them. I do realise that his work in ICU is important, but he never seems to have time off, or not be on call. Surely it can't be really good for a nurse to constantly be on call. But at the end of the day it's his decision too, and as long as he feels he is getting what he needs to out of it, both psychologically and financially, then I'm never going to stand in his way.

A friend of my family has been in ICU now for more than 60 days. She's been quite unwell with fluid in her lungs and then contracted golden staff. Because of the staff infection she's now in isolation in ICU and, in some ways, is quite happy with that because she's fully conscious and now has a tv to watch instead of just staring at the wall. Still, it's a long time to spend in ICU, and if she comes out of there she'll probably spend more time in EMU (Emergency Medical Unit). The staff infection, however; doesn't make that too likely, but I still hope and pray.

My fourth assignment is due today, and was submitted a week or so ago, and there's only two weeks left of semester. My final assignment is due on the final day of semester and I only have a 2 point question to do to complete it. I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to attempt the bonus question. I don't think it would be too difficult to complete, but it's whether I feel up to it or not. That could also depend on what happens with my mood as whatever is happening wears itself out. One step at a time...

Kahlia1981 · 14-10-2012, 04:57 AM

Well my final assignment for the uni Semester has been submitted and I've got the results for my four 5% assignments. I'm choosing to defer my exam for two reasons. One is that I'm not coping particularly well at present and that will affect my ability to complete the exam, the second things is that the local university has decided it cannot accommodate my exam conditions. While that may not seem like a reason to defer, I have been told that I will walk into an exam room with 8 other students (when my exam conditions state I need to be in a private room) and those 8 students will get up and leave half-way through my exam and another 8 students will enter. I've also been told I have to start my exam at 8:30, while my conditions state I do not start before 9:30 due to my medications. That's at least two of the conditions thrown out of the window before I even begin. I have been told to find myself a local invigilator, but I haven't been able to find someone, let alone somewhere to sit the exam, and have to give all the details this Tuesday. The person from Monash's Exams and Ceremonies has told me to ring local schools to sit the exam there - I've rung a few and they told me to go to the uni (less than 10 minutes drive away) because they don't have the resources, time or people required. I've asked business people that I know and have basically received the same answer. Pity the local uni can't, or won't, let me sit there. I've never had a problem with this prior to now in the three years I've been studying at Monash. Meh.

All that said, my fiancee and I are looking to get away for a few days next fortnight. By then my deferral will have gone through and we'll be fine to just go for our first ever real holiday. We're also going to Toowoomba for Christmas before I go and get my brain fried (ECT) again in early January. We are both working on being as well as we can for Christmas, although it's normally a very difficult time for both of us. I'm really hoping that my fiancee is able to stay well to go and see his daughter, as some of the last Christmas's that we've had have been shockingly awful. Christmas isn't an easy time anyway, but when you've consistently been unwell for the last few it's far too easy to fall unwell again. Fingers are crossed.

This week has been a nightmare in terms of sleep. My fiancee had three or four really bad nights in a row where he was awake all night and then basically slept all day. It's been going on for longer than a week, but slowly getting worse. The GP prescribed him a strong sleeper, which didn't seem to do much the first night - although he did sleep, and gave him sleep with a massive hangover the second night. The third he didn't take it but took another sleeping tablet and was awake all night and the fourth night we were both awake all night. Last night he bombed himself on Xanax and managed to sleep the night through. I had to keep waking him up in order to send him to bed. We both passed out not long after getting to bed and were still holding hands at 4am when I woke up for the first time. We both must have been pretty comatose at that point.

The friend that we accommodated for several months has finally removed her property from our carport. She was supposed to bring over the car washing stuff she had borrowed and one of my textbooks when she came, but she "forgot". Then she left town for at least the day. We weren't expecting her to actually show up yesterday... She's stood me up several times, and stood both of us up also multiple times. For unreliability I'd have to say she's right up there. It seems to depend on what is convenient for her or what she needs. I think she would have dumped us earlier if there hadn't been things she had needed from us. We've put ourselves out quite a few times in order to accommodate her, but she just can't be arsed doing anything for us - not even paying for the fuel, like she said she would, after we helped her move house. Both my fiancee and I have blocked her number on our phones and blocked her on FB et cetera. I would wonder if she will ever notice, but with thousands of friends on FB and her only contacting us when she feels like it, she'll never know.

My GP decided last week that I was overusing my Xanax, despite being allowed two per day and using, on average, far less than that - as evidenced by my not filling the script until after a month and a half had passed. The outcome was that he gave me a private script which we had to pay for instead of writing it up as an authority. He told the pharmacist that the reason was "frequency of scripts" but I can tell you that he just couldn't be bothered getting the authority. The reason I'm sure of that is that he also put one of my fiancee's scripts for a new, never before tried, drug down as being "too frequent". BS mate. I was hallucinating when it was time to pick up the scripts otherwise I would have told them to shove it and allowed myself to run out of Xanax. When I next see the GP I'm going to tell him exactly what I think of him, and it ain't going to be pleasant for anyone in the same room. The money we ended up spending on those two medications has meant the difference between us having enough money for food and having to go begging to St Vincent de Paul's, and the GP knows that, though I'm sure he conveniently forgets.

Now that I've blown off some steam, my mood is still fairly low. I'm struggling to stay on top of the depression, and keep wondering why the hell I'm even bothering to try. It would be so easy to just curl up into a ball on my bed and tell the world to go stuff itself. It is easy to put on the music that suits my mood and disappear into my own world of black and death. And I keep asking myself why am I even trying to keep myself out of this world, especially as it's one of the few places I feel at home. The knowledge that this too will pass isn't really helpful right now, but I keep telling myself that over and over. I keep trying to believe that this is just something I'm going through and that, when it is over, will benefit me by giving knowledge and strength, but then I wonder what poppycock I'm telling myself. I think I'm running out of the energy to keep playing this mental game with myself. Maybe I'll get there with another night of sleep. Maybe...

crazykat · 15-10-2012, 02:35 AM

Sorry to hear that the uni aren't accommodating your needs, can you speak to the disability support people at your uni? I hope that you get a chance to go away and that it works out for you both, it sounds like you could do with the break. Hopefully you can sort something out for your sleep too.That's rough the way your friend treated you but I think you did the right thing by blocking her. That's rubbish the way the doctor treated you, I would definitely say something. Stay strong, you can beat this

StardustedSky · 16-10-2012, 09:58 PM

Hey kahlia sorry iv not been about for I while been in a very dark place so not really been able to get online much. It sounds like the conference went so well and sounds really positive, I wish we had something similar here it seems like such a good idea! It's so great your psych is positive about it and willing to get involved and help with the cause.

It can be so lonely and isolating in hospital, when I was in with my back I made so many friends from 18 to 70 and I still speak to quite a few of them but I have always ended up in a general ward psych wise so have been mainly faced with dementia patients or those with depression and related addiction problems which makes it hard to relate. I have always said next time if I have to go in the only way I will agree is if I can go in the likes of the ed unit as at least I would be more likely to be with people more my age and relate to the self destructive side a bit more (there isn't really a SI unit in the psych hospital near me)

It's great to hear about what he think with the meds, being able to have those open discussions is so important And well done you being able to come off the largactil! How are you managing without it? I would be lost without my psych's (I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist) my psyclogist was off for nearly 5 months last year after being attacked by a patient and I tried with a fill in but it's just not the same so I am so glad he is back, do you find the same? Have you thought about trying something like EMDR for helping to process the memories, I have had some sessions for my PTSD found them really hard but beneficial in long run.

How is your fiancée? You must be so chuffed to have him home? Remember if you start feeling anxious without him spray his cologn on a thirst to cuddle up to or even in the air if you are trying to study I find that helps. Also it sounds a little creepy but I have an audio recording of my husband sleeping which I find helps me settle a bit more when trying to relax as I can curl up close my eyes cuddle into a pillow with his tshirt and cologn on and listen to the tape of him breathing and pretend he is there. Sad I know but I get to the point where I will try anything for half an hours rest.

Well done you making it through the Zumba video, I haven't ride Zumba yet but I hear it's good. I love the smell of chlorine (I think because I used to swim and do synchronised swimming competitively so it was a huge part of my life before the crash. You a so much braver than I, I don't think I could get back in a pool now :s

That is so rubbish about your family friend. Has she tried listening to audio books, I swear by them in hospital when tv gets rubbish. I often get the, from the library and then rip them from the cd onto my computer and then put them on my iPod which means all the benefit of an audio book without the huge costs!

That's so rubbish about your in not accommodating you, I swear I don't know how these people can live with themselves. That sounds like a great idea for Christmas though I shall keep everything crossed for you. That is soo cute you were still holding hands. It's so hard coping with things generally let alone with lack or sleep too. Could he maybe try half of a sleeping tablet wait a few hours and if not kicked in take the other half maybe counter the hungover feeling? That's so rubbish about your gp, I am so glad we don't hacve to pay for our meds I simply could not afford food if I did have to. Could you change gp?

Things sound so hard just now but you are strong and surrounded by people who love you. It may feel like this will never end but things will get easier, when this will be no one can say. Stay strong, always here if you nee to chat *huggles* xx

Kahlia1981 · 18-10-2012, 12:42 PM

Kat: I've spoken to the DLU (Disability Liaison Unit) at my uni, but they are powerless over the uni here. They have agreed to back my application for a deferred exam though. We're changed our minds on where we are going, but we're definitely going on Wednesday next week for a whole week. It's going to be nice to just get away from it all. I'm glad I blocked that "friend". We dropped by her house to pick up the stuff she was supposed to drop off at our place and she had a) let the chamoise dry out completely, b) drawn on the cover of my textbook and c) kept up with her fake "we have to meet up for coffee". I don't think she knows she's been blocked yet. Thanks so much Kat. *hugs*

Stardust: I'm sorry to hear that you've been in such a dark place. I hope there is some light in your world at the moment. The conference was brilliant. There might be an accredited clubhouse somewhere in your area, maybe try looking up the ICCD Directory (http://www.iccd.org/search_form.php) to see if there are any anywhere you might be able to get to. Our local psych unit is just general psych. It's an acute care facility and they crack the sh*ts when they get patients with self-harming tendencies or chronic mental illnesses. In Brisbane there are plenty of A&D patients but also some that are mentally ill in all different ways so at least there can be people to talk to. I haven't tried EMDR but the first part of therapy is finding me a psychologist I feel comfortable with and can talk to. I'm not all the way off the largactil yet, my psych wanted to slow down the reduction, but I only have 200mg left to come off. I would be lost without my psych doctor. I've been forced to change 3 times and have been lucky enough to find a good doctor who listens and understands that I'm intelligent. That might sound weird, wrong or like I'm talking myself up but I've had public psychs that treat me like I'm retarded or tell me I get my symptoms out of textbooks because they don't want to believe there's something not-quite-right going on. My current psych doesn't talk down to me and is prepared to provide reasons for what he does if I question him. I also trust him implicitly in return. My fiancee is ... okay ... and glad to be home, as I am glad he's home. I really enjoy my Zumba. At present I'm doing an average of 45 minutes per day and getting a really good cardio workout. Sleeping tablets don't seem to be working for either of us, but for some reason we've managed to get sleep by taking 6+ mg of Xanax. Right at the moment we can't change GP, simply because of the opiates. In Queensland it's really hard to get a doctor other than your usual practitioner to prescribe you narcotics. We had a GP in our city who was disaccredited and had 100+ narcotics patients. Because they were all trying to get the drugs the GP surgeries all closed off for all patients that weren't regular and declared they would not prescribe narcotics for anyone. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense, my brain isn't functioning properly right now.

I've been in a pretty dark place the last few days. It's almost as if my mood has decided to drop through the floor to see how low it can get. I actually had to write my fiancee a letter last night because I wasn't able to tell him how I felt. It probably didn't help that he was continuously falling asleep. It's been getting harder and harder to belive that there is a purpose in me living and to stop feeling that everyone in the world would be better off if I was dead. I know I'm in a dark place, but that doesn't mean I'm always aware of its effect on me.

Back in August I went to a wedding expo with my mother. Along with some of the booths there were competitions of a "enter you name for a chance to win..." nature. Although both my fiancee and I class ourselves as unlucky I entered every competition I could and we won a free engagement photo shoot. The shoot took place this afternoon and was a lot of fun. It put a smile on my face for the first time today. We went down to an area of beach that looks over at an island and has a hill right next to it. Some of the photos were taken on the beach and at the rocks, but some were taken up on the hill and in the long grass. Because of our holiday, and us wanting to save some money so that we can get more than just the free 8" x 10" photo, we aren't viewing the shots until we get back from our holiday. I'm sort of excited about seeing them. The only thing is, we are keeping this secret from pretty much everyone. Even if we only get the free photo we'll make copies so that my parents, my fiancee's parents, my nanna and grandpa and my fiancee's youngest daughter get the photos as a surprise.

Today I started taking Zyban in an attempt to quit smoking. My fiancee is looking to quit if I successfully quit after we get back from Toowoomba when I'm home to give him support. I really hope that I can quit the smokes, and don't get too many bad side effects. My fiancee is watching me like a hawk as I've already been suicidal and will take me off the medication and send me to hospital if he thinks it's necessary. So in about 10 days time I should have quit smoking. I'll get one extra script to cover an extra 45 days to help me stay quit once I have quit. But I'm going to get rid of the smokes for good.

Kahlia1981 · 20-10-2012, 10:19 AM

I've slept for most of today, but still managed to get in 70 minutes of exercise (walking to and from the shop, then doing zumba). I didn't get done a lot of other stuff that I would have liked to get done, but there's still time to do those things. Right now, once again, my world is very dark and black. I'm sincerely hoping that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that it's not a "wrong way, go back" type sign. From here that seems the most likely course... whether I want it to be or not.

Last night my mood was so low that all I wanted to do was curl up on the bed and die. I ended up having 6 mg of Xanax in one hit, after already having taken 4 mg (split) during the day. I was attempting to stop myself from slipping further down, or from acting on the urges and thoughts that I was having. I'm trying to focus on the positives and keep myself "up" but everything seems to trigger me. If my fiancée is a little bit sharp with me I start thinking he hates me and is going to leave. If he falls asleep sitting up or doesn't respond to something I say I think he is ignoring me or attempting to dessert me. I can recognise these as irrational thoughts, but can't find a way to either stop them or their impact on me.

Maybe it's my role in life to live in utter blackness until death takes me. *sigh*