I think can be wonderful, without it i doubt I'd be alive.
Think about it, it's an absolutely incredible coping mechanism....
Imagine what it would be like to have never had any solace or safety from the trauma that went on in your life.
I wouldn't want it any other way.
We barely slept last night, until it got to 4am so we ended up sleeping till the afternoon. Not up to much, should probably have breakfast....
Look after yourselves everyone
there's one. she's 5 and always has taken the horrible stuff and i wish she would let me take the pain. how the heck fair is it for a 5 year old girl to take serious physical pain away from a 46 year old bloke? its embarrassing and i hate myself for not being able to protect her. i am grateful that we're together and we are sometimes co- and she likes it when i speak on her behalf
Mom left for sister's in another state. Am freaking, kids a couple flashing back to when mom left before, left us alone wit dad and is so freaky, know I'm older, know we're safe, but still feeling abandoned and left. And freaking. Badly.
"I'm the slow dying flower/ in the frost killing hour/ sweet turning sour/ and untouchable"
"You've gotta stand for something/ or you'll fall for anything"
"And don't apologize/ For all the tears you've cried/ You've been way too strong now for all your life"
Woke up at 6:30am today, 'cause we had to get a ride with Ash's mum into the city, then realised our appointment wasn't until 3pm, so Ash told her and we went back to bed. Got to sleep around 3am. Slept for another 2 hours.
We've been doing a bit of packing (for the move) though still feels like there is so much to do (which there probably is).
I (ash), am feeling really spacey, sorta the feeling before someone comes out, but it's lasting. I just want it to fade or for someone to come out. It's bugging me. This is so annoying, when it is effecting your focus, thoughts and detaching you from what is going on around you. SNAP OUT OF IT ASH *slap*. Combined with that, getting the weird "pull" (fighting it) which makes us think it might be someone we may not necessarily want to emerge.
We need to squeeze in a quick ciggie before we head off; we're leaving to see our shrink.
bleeding black, good luck with the shrink appointment.
I'm (shadow) feeling a bit spacey, but we're not nearly as switchy as the past couple of days... it's frustrating explaining to a 5 year old about periods, especially when Rebe has the memory of a goldfish. Got therapist appointment later so not sure how that's going to go. =/
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Therapy seems to be today's theme? We're going in to see this T for first time. Have decided not to tell about the DID. Will tell about dissociation and depersonalization. Wait till she figures it out.
"I'm the slow dying flower/ in the frost killing hour/ sweet turning sour/ and untouchable"
"You've gotta stand for something/ or you'll fall for anything"
"And don't apologize/ For all the tears you've cried/ You've been way too strong now for all your life"
Ash/lostboys... a perfect description of what happens to me often. just saying that so you dont think you're the only one who gets that kinda stuff going on
i hate how my depersonalization stuff gets in the way of things. makes it so i can't be social! and it always comes when i need to be social. it's so freaking annoying!
Yes... social life. What's that, again? Anyways met my new T. She seems nice, accepting. We talked for awhile. Have to have dinner with dad and sister, not looking forward to it.
Thankfully do not work this weekend, and am enjoying just letting everyone do what they want. Someone may be cooking later. Art and TV, and music... all fun stuff.
Am
"I'm the slow dying flower/ in the frost killing hour/ sweet turning sour/ and untouchable"
"You've gotta stand for something/ or you'll fall for anything"
"And don't apologize/ For all the tears you've cried/ You've been way too strong now for all your life"
we havent been feeling so safe of late we are visiting family so not everyone can be out but it dont help that we feel very triggered with flashbacks
so we are hiding in our room
Eclectic*a,
We get all sorts of things like that, often related to a part inside that has some impairment coming to the front. For example, sometimes our hearing will fade, and a part who is deaf will later emerge, other times we lose movement in our legs and someone who cannot walk will come forward. Could you ask inside and see if anyone knows anything about it?
Otherwise it could be physical/medical and have no dissociative significance... If so, you really need to get that checked out!
Scath,
Thank you for the well wishes, it didn't go too well actually. That's ok, we'll try again today.
How are you at the moment?
Serenity/Ella
We relate to the flashbacks and hiding, we've been doing that a lot lately.
Just saying we understand in our own way.Take good care of yourselves.
Marko, It does get easier, it takes work, but it does.
We think we remember you mentioning a psych, but there was something going on there...? Are you seeing anyone regularly at the moment? If so, are they helping?
Divine5wilderness,
Blacking out can be bothersome, try looking at the positives; at least you didn't find yourself in a dark alley, luckily only the mall!
Look after yourself
Chris,
Thanks for the reassurance, it helps :)
How are you anyhow? Been thinking of you and wanted you to know we really really appreciate you, we think you are pretty awesome :)
____
We've got an appointment (T) in just under an hour and a half.
We've also realized that pretty much since discharge from hospital (2 months-ish ago) we've been suppressing most all negative feelings/thoughts and memories. We're not sure how to manage this now, since it's getting harder and harder to hold it all in.
You know when you've got so much inside it's hard to control the out pour? That's where we feel we are. We're going to try and talk to T about it. Been struggling with opening up to her lately; to everyone really. But trust/sharing with people other than T is an issue we've had forever. But we're usually OK with T. This is probably because we've been holding so much in, that there leaves very little to talk about apart from practical things. Which really, have been quite large factors in our life at the moment. ie moving out.... Speaking of such....:
We've moved the majority of our stuff over to the new place (It is SO awesome!! Didn't want to leave on the weekend when we took stuff over. We did tons of manual labor; moving a house load worth of furniture from 3 different houses in and out of the mover truck etc. Felt good though. One of our roommates dad said that we are a hard worker. Of course in the singular term...
Last night we got triggered pretty bad, I (Ash) remember most of the first part of the evening; until about 8:30 perhaps? and we were all over the place. Switching left right and center, everyone loud and confused, pretty chaotic. Not sure what it was all about. Full moon maybe. A while back we started keeping logs of when things went haywire, most times we recorded were on full-moons, new moons or other symbolic/pattern related days/nights.
We're going to need to try really hard to open up to T, we're feeling close to implosion/explosion.... Ugh.. *trying to prepare selves*
Look after all your selves.
Last edited by bleeding black : 07-07-2009 at 12:42 AM.
Reason: Adding more stuff
we're feeling a bit distant today.. one of the littles woke up this morning instead of shadow or xander, and been feeling a bit panicky ever since. feeling is calming down slightly thank god.
don't actually remember half of last night.. i was on my own in the park, and then later there were loads of people I was talking with... alexa says she just wanted to make friends, but it's scary when we get surrounded by strangers suddenly.
bleeding black, we hope your T app goes a little better today; we know how difficult it is when everything gets kept inside and it starts overflowing.
eclectic*a, sometimes our whole body feels unreal and numb... you're not alone with that.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
lostboys... not doing physically/medically brilliant at the mo. constant pain and on meds that means sleep most of the time when not in agony, but otherwise things are pretty good just now :)
Eclectic*a,
There is a reason for each part to behave the way they do.
None are "bad". The ones that seem "bad" are usually the ones that are hurting the most. They put up a tough and scary exterior to hide how hurt and fragile they are.
Chris,
Really sorry to hear things in your physical world aren't going well. (you know this, I'm not trying to belittle) Our psych is always saying how physical pain, poor diet and bad sleeping all contribute to your over all mental health, she's right. And it seems to make a vicious pattern. You don't eat or sleep well, you feel like crap, which makes you want to sleep more, perhaps lose your appetite, and pain, well that puts a huge sheet over everything. We're stuck in this at the moment, sleeping bad feeling shitty, feeling shitty, sleep bad...ugh.
The pain sounds pretty all consuming, being loaded up on pain meds that make you drowsy must be making everyday functioning pretty difficult....
We hope you are looking after yourselves and that things get better ASAP.
lostboys
