I'm sorry its taken so long, I've just signed out of school and I've been working. So i'm physically exhausted, but here's the rest of chapter 12.
Eventually my world crumbled that day and as I sobbed on Jen’s shoulder everything came pouring out. The issues with anorexia, the occasional tendency to be bulimic, the sexual abuse and the thoughts of suicide that constantly rattled around in my head. We eventually fell silent and Jen spoke the words I was utterly fearful of “I have to tell them” she whispered.
I knew who she meant by ‘them’ it was pretty obvious, and I also knew why she had to tell ‘them’. But the thought of telling another soul didn’t bother me, it was that person’s reaction that would scare me and I was already trembling in fear.
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By the end of the day both Nan and Mum had been informed. Mums reaction had been ‘just fix her’ over the speaker phone, with me in the room, that really killed me. Also a continued support network had been set up including the likes of:
My year advisor (with whom I barely spoke to), the deputy principal, the principal, the school counsellor (Michelle), my aid Jen and the all dreaded CAMHS (with whom I had a risk/mental health assessment in two days). I didn’t like this much support or as I referred to it as ‘beady eyed adults syndrome’.
That day I went home early with Nan and Pa and it seemed that all eyes were on me, even the cat was constantly staring at me. Eventually I sighed and exclaimed “Geez it’s not as if I’m going to hurt myself right in front of you” then I laid on the floor and watched the fan spin. I didn’t speak or move again that night, much to my Grandmothers disappointment until I went to bed. I got up and said “G’nite” and went to bed. I hit the mattress snoring, still in school clothes.
The next morning I awoke from a restless night, constant dreams of suicide and death had plagued me and more than once I had woken up in tears during the night. Although I was thoroughly refreshed which surprised me considering the amount of times I’d awoken during the night. I continued to lay on my bed until Nan walked past the room and announced “wake up teaghan we’re going shopping today” I groaned, I had forgotten Thursday was shopping day and I absolutely hated it.
On days when I used to stay home sick mum would often take me with her into town instead of leaving me at home by myself and Thursdays I hated. It was dole day, which meant all the bums came out to buy their alcohol and their noodle supplements for their scores of kids that were always barefooted and wearing rags. One particular day I remember walking through junction court and a ‘gang’ of locals were gathered around the one bottle of vodka, most trying to take the biggest sip they could before someone else snatched the bottle out of their hands. That was the day I realised my little country town wasn’t what I initially though of it, a good place to raise your kids. I vowed then that as soon as the chance arose I would get out of the well known grounds of my hometown.
“Nan do I have to?” I groaned.
“Yes you do, so don’t argue go have a shower and get ready you have half an hour” her tone was abrupt, I knew not to argue. So I had a quick shower got dressed and tidied up my belongings, which I had little of. As I walked out of the room I picked up my phone, wallet and iPod. Music had become my saviour since moving out of home.
As I looked out the window I realised we weren’t heading to town, infact we were getting closer and closer to where I lived. My stomach dropped and my mouth sealed shut, I tried to talk and ask where we were going but I couldn’t. But eventually my worst fears were lived out, we had turned onto my street and sitting infront of my house I refused to get out, eventually Nan got in the other side and started to probe me out saying that we were just trying to ‘resolve’ the situation. I got out eventually still as cautious as ever.
Walking inside nothing had changed; it seemed that life had just gone after I had left that afternoon. My routine of only walking in full tiles and not on any lines began immediately, but I stopped short when I noticed mum had walked into the room. She looked amused at my antics as she always did when I did my ‘tile thing’ as she called it.
“Nice to know you haven’t changed too much eh?” she smiled warmly, what had happened to the person that had said yesterday ‘just fix her’.
Sorry i've been slack lately - with everything involving RYL. I've relapsed in my old eating habits and whats currently happening in the story i can really relate to in life. Please keep reading and telling me your thoughts, anything i could improve?
Thanks,
TB.
I know i haven't posted in the CC for a while, infact I haven't been active on RYL at all for the past couple of months.
Things aren't the best right now and I'm finding writing has once again become therapeutic for me. Some, not all of this is true. I'm just trying to know that I'm not the only one who struggles, that this is real.
We chatted for hours on end; mostly about ourselves. I told her everything that day, from the SA to the eating and even such minor things as how I hid my eating disorder from her. In return she listened and let my cry on her shoulder when the tears threatened to surface again; I also gained a thorough knowledge of how she didn’t know how to deal with her daughters issues.
Eventually we worked out a deal; I would board with Nan until I felt ready to come home, until I was stable. That night the whole family came over including my aunt and uncle, cousins and Nan and Pa. It was a sit down meal and I managed to get through the whole night without throwing up or hiding food, I felt okay that night.
After taking clothes and the necessities back home to Nan’s that night we continued to talk sitting on my bed, in reality she was trying to distract me from over thinking the family get together that night. But we just talked about little things, such as people from school and what gossip was going around. Eventually I succumbed to sleep in her arms and that was the end of one very stressful day.
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The next morning I woke late into the morning with Nan shaking me.
“Time to get up teag, you have a CAMHs assessment today” she spoke softly. I groaned and got up, knowing I couldn’t repress the inevitable forever. So I got up and got ready, shaking slightly as I got dressed.
Two hours later I was sitting in an unfamiliar room with bright blue walls and ugly grey carpet. I was sitting on a hard cream couch, fiddling around with the bracelets on my arms. Nan kept telling me to stop fiddling during the questioning but she was gone now and it was just me and the CAMHs lady who had introduced herself as Kerry. I still had no idea what I was doing there; I was mainly venting in hope that something would cause her to help me get out of this tear in my world.
I told her everything, just as I had told Mum, Nan and Jen; my aid. I knew that I couldn’t live like this anymore, it was dangerous; I was killing myself. Eventually I was able to go, but was referred to a psychologist in two weeks time and until then I had Appointments twice a week with my CAMHs case manager. In my hands I had all the support in the world and I still had no idea where to turn, everyone knew my secrets. They knew how I used to throw food in the neighbours bins that were right next to the fence outside of my bedroom, they knew that if I got the positioning right all of it would go directly in the bin. They knew that I used to go to my bedroom to eat then do sit-ups and push ups and then exercise on the Wii for a good hour. They all knew how I hid things now. But I still wanted to hide, I wanted to get skinnier. But I wanted to get better, because I knew the repercussions of my diminishing health. I held in my hands the two most important things in my life, one was killing me and the other was keeping me alive. I made the decision that would ultimately turn my world upside down once again.
Thanks for reading.
