Not knowing

[long road]

Sit with the feelings for a bit and work out what you wanted and if you got it I guess. I don't think it would be bothering your CPN, they can always redirect to crisis team if they think that's more appropriate but they might be able to help crisis team to respond to you in a way that is more helpful or give you that validation about what you wrote being serious.

Thinking of you xx

[Elmer]

Hey Tamo. I hope you are safe. Please tell someone about the thing you found, I know things are impossibly hard at the moment but what you are planning will only end in you being injured.

[tamobhuuta]

Thank you for your concern Elmer. I am safe today.

[one_step_closer]

I hope you have a better day today. Any support? Any good things planned?

[tamobhuuta]

I'm still under the Crisis Team so they're coming this morning. Although they're getting bored of me so they were going to see if my CPN could see me instead. And this afternoon I've got my godmother visiting which will be nice. Do I tell the Crisis Team that I'm having sparkly thoughts of suicide? They come and go, when I look at them they blink away.

[long road]

I think telling them would be a good idea. They can only help you properly if they know the full picture of what's going on.

[tamobhuuta]

I told them. They wanted me to give them my blades but I couldn't. In the end one of them said I had capacity so they left.

[one_step_closer]

How are you feeling about the contact you had with crisis and how are things now?

[tamobhuuta]

It was ok. I'm ok. I'm not sure about my plan.

[tamobhuuta]

I did my plan but it didn't work so I punished myself.

[one_step_closer]

Do you want to talk about what happened? Are you ok?

[tamobhuuta]

I'm ok. I had planned to cut out the implant tomorrow but I couldn't wait so I tried today. But I don't know what went wrong, I couldn't go deeper than scratches. So I punished myself by cutting my arm. Those at least bled like I needed. I feel like such a failure. Mum phoned Crisis Team when she found out and they were disappointed that I didn't phone them first.

[Elmer]

That sounds scary. I'm glad you are safe. Is the plan still to find you a bed? This all sounds like a really difficult situation.

[tamobhuuta]

Yes, that's their plan. I'm liable to be sectioned until Friday evening. They can section me again but would they bother given I've stayed alive these past two weeks.

[one_step_closer]

Do you think you still need a bed? Please be careful with your neck, I know people have said before that it's really dangerous and I was watching a medical thing about surgeons having to do surgery on someones neck and they had to be so careful not to even move things too much because it could affect things like the person's hearing and speech.

[tamobhuuta]

I don't think I ever needed a bed. But my parents reckon I still do because they don't believe me about the implant.

[one_step_closer]

What do you think would happen if you were in hospital? Have people said to you why they think it is needed?

[tamobhuuta]

I'm worried the hospital would be part of the Organisation. They say the plan would be to keep me safe and maybe review meds.

[one_step_closer]

That sounds like a scary thought. Would you be up for reviewing meds? Can you discuss your fears with someone? Are you seeing someone today?

[tamobhuuta]

I don't want to feel like this. I want the Organisation to leave me alone. I don't know how best to achieve this. The Crisis Team are coming this afternoon.