dbus-daemon - I hope you don't have to wait too long to get access to services. What happened was not your fault, and it doesn't matter whether you are gay, straight, bisexual or otherwise, nobody deserves to be abused.
Charmed - Thank you for your advice and support, it means a lot. I'm sorry you are struggling so much with dissociation right now. I know how scary it is to lose time like that. Can you be gentle with yourself and accept that the reason it is happening is because you are coping with so much right now? Try not to get frustrated with yourself.
J - It doesn't matter how mature a child is, they are still a child. She won't blame you for any of what happened, and hopefully she can work with you so that you can also see that it wasn't your fault.
Thanks J. I really appreciate you replying. I'm going to show the letter to Jenna to get her opinion. And I might text me therapist before Monday to ask her if she blames me, so I know.
Memories of an event I thought I had got over are weighing heavily on my mind. I RV'd about it but struggling with feelings and images. the man keeps watching me but I dont think he's here but maybe he is
Well I've had a relapse (self-harm) but I feel a bit better. I don't know how cutting into your arm can make someone feel calmer and better, but it does.
Lillie, I cope mainly by knowing that I'm not ready to report anything right now. I know that if I did, it would make me feel worse and heighten my risk to myself (which is high enough anyway). There is no reason why you can't report anything in the future, the police etc will always be there for when you are ready. And if you never feel ready then that's okay too.
I try to think like that J but more often than not Im thinking that either I made it up or Hes still out there hurting people because of me. I shouldn't have to be ready and if I was a good person I've have reported it at the time as there was more than ample opportunity (I was actually asked outright by a police officer).
dbs, perhaps its about creating a life and good experiences outside of the pain so that eventually the pain becomes less.
I'm sorry you struggle to be kind to yourself about this Lillie. I don't know if it'll help you, but I was recently told by a police officer who works in the child abuse dept that they would be there if and when I wanted to report anything. He emphasised that they would be there whenever I was ready and that was okay. So if a police officer recognises that it takes time to feel ready, then it's definitely okay.
Lillie, I'm sorry this is so hard for you, I don't have any brilliant advice, but I do agree with J. It sounds like it wouldn't be safe for you at the moment to report what happened, which would make it incredibly difficult to go through the entire process, it may mean it might even be stopped etc. You need to take care of yourself first. It's okay not to feel ready, most people don't feel ready for many many years, and just as many never feel ready. Try and be gentle with yourself.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
I just thought I'd inject some positive waves, I managed to go out to a bar last night (it was a gay bar so it was less frightening) but still I managed to stay put for a whole hour without a panic attack/flashback
Thank you both for your kind words. I think Im going to talk to my therapist about how to deal with it if I can make myself bring it up.
Well done Helen, thats good to hear :)
How did it go love?
Quote:
Originally Posted by EyelinerAndCigarettes
*cuddles & kisses to all*
I just thought I'd inject some positive waves, I managed to go out to a bar last night (it was a gay bar so it was less frightening) but still I managed to stay put for a whole hour without a panic attack/flashback
Well done :D that's great!
Quote:
Originally Posted by dbus-daemon
I'm feeling a bit better but I don't know how to stop the pain. It's pretty relentless, I just can't stop feeling guilty about it all.
want to talk it through?
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I managed to go to therapy after sending the letter and it was okay. I wish she'd give me a hug. She says she wants to but doesn't do it. But I wish she would. Is that wrong?
I'm glad the therapy went okay J. Of course it's not wrong of you to wish she would hug you, could you mention that you would be okay with receiving warmth and caring from her?
Is it okay if I ask a question?
How do you tell the different between a dream and a flashback?
I'm not sure whether I had a dream or a flashback, it felt like a flashback but I don't remember what I saw happening. I'm very scared right now. I keep dissociating. I'm sorry to post.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
I'm glad the therapy went okay J. Of course it's not wrong of you to wish she would hug you, could you mention that you would be okay with receiving warmth and caring from her?
Is it okay if I ask a question?
How do you tell the different between a dream and a flashback?
I'm not sure whether I had a dream or a flashback, it felt like a flashback but I don't remember what I saw happening. I'm very scared right now. I keep dissociating. I'm sorry to post.
A dream s when you are asleep. A flashback is when you are awake. You can have dreams that are nightmares and sometimes mine feel like flashbacks a bit. But that's how I define the difference.
Just dropping in to send safe hugs and lots of love.
You're all fighters and I admire the courage and strength of everybody on this thread. You're survivors!!
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Hannah stop apologising! Flashbacks and dreams have a lot of overlapping qualities, like the sensation of being real and out of your control. I think the main difference is whether you're asleep or not, but even then its hard to define sometimes
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