Over the next few days I saw the Home Treatment regularly but despite their reliable support I still continued to sink lower and lower into a kind of suicidal stupor, which caused worry for all concerned.
Eventually the Home Treatment Team decided that the risks were too great and forced me to allow them to talk to my parents. After that difficult discussion they began the hunt for a hospital bed, despite my reluctance given my last experience of a psychiatric unit. The local unit however did seem more organised and discharge focused and had the massive advantage of being female only, which reassured both myself and my parents.
We waited on tenter-hooks for news of a bed being found. Finally the phone call came. I packed my belongings once again and we slid once more into the car, once more courting crazy.
Arriving at the site of the ward was nerve wracking, as the site housed many different types of psychiatric unit, some obviously more secure than others, and the overall effect was of a vast amount of large threatening buildings which seemed to tower above us, cheerfully built but terrifying in their number and purpose.
We headed for the front door of the ward I was to be situated on, passing by coincidence the Home Treatment Worker who had found me the bed in the first place. I paused to have my last cigarette in freedom, then we walked hesitantly through the front door, making our way to the lift which would take us to my new temporary home.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
*Disclaimer: all names have been changed to protect privacy of those around me*
We were greeted warmly by the staff who once my parents had hugged me and left, took my belongings and led me down one corridor, then another to the room that would be mine for the remainder of my stay.
They searched my belongings sensitively but expertly, only by hiding things on my person did I manage to hang onto anything I could do myself harm with. They were quite strict about remaining outside of your room, particularly if you were a self harm/suicide risk, so it was explained to me that I must stay on communal areas until my obs were reduced from the current 15 minutes.
I scowled at this, being a private person as previously mentioned, I found being forced to socialise for too long distressing and irritating, particularly with the concerns my intrusive thoughts were providing me with, mean little whispers 'They can see those images you know,' 'You sick bitch, when they see what you're thinking they'll all hate you,' and so and so forth, buzzing like angry bees.
Shaking my head to try and clear it I tried to concentrate as the staff gave me a walk through tour of the ward, leading me finally into the larger living room. Here I settled myself awkwardly into a chair and gazed round curiously at the other patients, with whom I would be spending the best part of every day with.
The staff left us to it, and an incredibly thin girl with a bruised face and pained eyes leaned forward and introduced herself. 'I'm Cory,' she said with a small smile. 'Hi, I'm Katy,' I responded with a nervous smile. Cory then proceeded to introduce the rest of the inhabitants of the room, all of whom nodded and smiled in response. A woman of foreign origin called Jackie greeted me particularly warmly, welcoming me onto the ward, and reassuring me.
We watched TV in a comfortable silence, then heard the welcome and familiar phrase 'Fag run guys!' I leapt to my feet and followed what seemed to be the whole ward to a door at the end of the second corridor, which I soon discovered lead out to some stairs which in turn lead to the enclosed garden where those who didn't have obs levels able to go out the front were allowed to smoke, though those who had obs to go out the front often snuck down with the rest when they couldn't be bothered to trek properly outside.
Once outside we lined up as though waiting for a bus to use the built in lighter on the wall. I was nervous about using it having never seen one before, but after watching a few people light their cigarettes and under Jackie and Cory's guidance I managed to light me cigarette and join them at a bench, inhaling appreciatively.
We talked casually about everything and nothing and Cory pointed out some patients whom I hadn't yet met. I noticed that most people were lighting a second fag off their first and deduced that smoking times were quite rigid and not always terribly frequent here, so I hastily did the same.
Soon it was time to go back and we trooped back up the stairs together, some peeling off to go into their rooms (those who were on high enough obs to be allowed to do so) and the rest either holing up in the smaller quiet lounge, buying a drink in the cafeteria or returned to the main lounge. I followed Cory into the main lounge and settled once more into watching TV.
Another girl appeared, near to us in age, who looked strangely familiar. Cory, who seemed to be our meeter and greeter introduced her as Harriet. Harriet flopped down on one of the sofas, then turned to look at me curiously. 'I think I know you from somewhere,' she said pensively. 'I think I know you from somewhere too,' I answered, wracking my brains.
We went through a few scenarios, favourite haunts and so on but nothing was matching up until she asked 'Which school did you go to?' It turned out that before I dropped out of school at the age of 14 we had attended the same high school (and hated it in equal measures).
I remembered Harriet as a very talented singer and musician and told her so, to which she smiled, in a pleased if not a little embarrassed way. I found out that she had been on the ward approximately a year and was to be moved to a different ward fairly soon. I was sad to hear this, as I felt we had started to build a rapport, but, I reassured myself, I would still have Cory and Jackie who also seemed very friendly, and anyway I was hoping I wouldn't be staying too long regardless. Maybe a couple of days while I got my head back on? How very wrong I was.
Last edited by Buttons. : 09-11-2012 at 02:55 PM.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
The evening drew in and we all remained together, talking intermittently, interrupted only by supper and the final call to go to bed. I was told I had to remain up for a while due to observation needs so I did so, hovering in the dining room, waiting to be told when I could go to bed.
Harriet popped her head in, and seeing me alone, joined me at my table. Within a few minutes she had rescued a set of Jenga and we were playing with intense concentration, anything to keep our minds off other, less pleasant topics. Once the game had finished she went to bed but I remained, sitting, deep in thought, until a health care assistant discovered me and told me I could go to bed.
I settled myself between the cold, clinical hospital sheets and waited for sleep to steal me away from myself.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I think this is amazing, obviously the circumstances are sad and a bad time for you but I've always found your writing style engaging and powerful. Take care x
There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night.
I know I haven't posted so far but I've been following your thread from the start and wanted to say that you've really got a way with words! You're really brave and very talented too. I do hope that in the future, we'll get to read about all the positive things that are happening though :P Hope you're ok x
x
