I am trying to keep myself safe. I'm not sure how long it's going to be for though.
I'm not sure what the right reasons are; I guess it'd be doing it all for me...because I WANT to carry on. I WANT to live again. I WANT to beat this. Instead, I'm just doing things because I know people care; but then...I know that if I'm let by them again or they turn on me I'll no longer have that reason so I'll do something again. I guess I just need something a little more concrete than other people.
I don't think I do want anyone to check on me to be honest. Right now I just want to curl up under my duvet and cry and lie there for weeks and weeks - until all this has gone away. Until all the thoughts and feelings disappear.
Adam left this morning. I didn't even say goodbye to him. I just stayed in my bed on the sofa and pretended to be asleep. I don't know how to feel or what to think or anything right now. My brain is a mess. I've had to ask my parents for some money otherwise the gas/electricity was going to be cut off. I have a GP appointment on Tuesday which I'm not really looking forward to - he thought I was getting better; he even said so...and what do I do? OD and end up in hospital AGAIN. I need to ask him about work, about the OCD thoughts, about my weight...about all of it. I just have a feeling I'll walk in there and say the same as I normally do 'Yeah, things are fine' and I'll leave with a doctors note and feel more sh*t than ever.
I have a clinic appointment on Thursday with the dietician. I know I need to go because I can't do all this diabetic stuff on my own...but part of me just isn't interested in listening to ways to keep myself healthy when I don't even want to be alive any more.
Then I have my meeting with my manager and the director of HR on Friday. Again, not looking forward to it. I think I'm gonna lose my job that day. I'm not sure what I'll do if they do say that. Crumble probably. Nicola has said she cares; that she wants to be a support for me...but I can't stand thinking about finally having to say goodbye to the support system I had at work. At one point they were the only ones who knew about all this; and that kept me alive. I have made some AMAZING friends there and I don't want to lose them; but I feel I won't have any choice on Friday.
Then a psychiatrist appointment on the following Monday - not going to be a good one. He's gonna know about the hospital, about the abuse, about the OCD. All of it. I'm not sure what he's going to say, but before he was running out of things to suggest; now it's even bleaker. Maybe it is time for them all to say that I'm a lost cause and leave me to my own devices?
I don't know any more. All I know is that I could REALLY use a hug right now.
x Katie x
*gives katie a BIG hug*
Youre not a lost cause I know. Sorry youre sstrugglin so much.
With Adam... There is no right or wrong way to feel or things to say or think. If you feel happy then so be it and same goes for if you feel numb or upset or anything. No right answer.
Your support system at work.... You have ways to contact any them outide of work? If not, maybe get phone numbers or emails from a few so dont have to leave them :) Im glad youve had some amazing friend there, you deserve good people like them.
Psychiatrist appointment... Try not to worry about it. He is only going to be able to help more with knowing more information. He was losing ways to help before because he didnt know important pieces like the OCD and abuuse and all that you said. Knowing it can only mean he can try better to help more.
*give you another big hug* :)
Trying to stay safe is good. As I always say, trying mean you havent given up yet. But no matter the reason, as long youre trying and you have a reason, someething to keep you going, even if its not for yourself. It may be better if is for yourself because kinda sounds like you wanna do it for you. Im sure you know distractions and maybe try locking up or hiding anything that could be deemed as unsafe.
gHope things start looking up soon. *another hug
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Thank you for your words Libz <3 They mean so much to me. I don't really have the brain power to reply properly right now.
All I will say is that I KNOW I should be believing all the things I'm saying to other people and I should be trying to prove that I'm getting better and everything's okay - but all I can think is that now Adam's not living here I can destroy myself however I want to and I wouldn't be found.
I'm not even kidding myself that I'm safe right now.
Sorry guys. You lot don't need me moaning like this.
x Katie x
Youre welcome. Reply when and if you want and can :)
Its hard to believe what you say to others. Its almost like we are the only exceptions to the world.
You dont have to prove ANYTHING. Wy try prove everythings ok when its not? Itll only hurt. And to me thinking bout Adam would be reasonable. Someone whose lived with you for a while and helped take care and support aand love you is suddenly gone.
Please try not to destroy your self. We love you :)
No need be sorry about aanything. Youre not moaning either, youre tellin us whats goin on which is GOOD. Plues this is thread for you and that means you can say whatever you need, want, and/or feel like. Im glad youre saying all this instead of bottlin within.
*hugs again*
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
I feel so unsafe right now. I wish my brain would just shut up. Even just for a few hours. To make things worse I'm in excruciating pain which is just making me feel terrible. My best friend has invited me over to hers tomorrow to talk about things - we still haven't talked since my little hospital visit so she's probably going to go mad at me. I just want to shut the world out and hide for the rest of time. I have just weighed myself after weeks of avoiding it and now I'm freaking out. I'm my highest weight ever. Restricting again it is.
Gah. Sorry.
x Katie x
Last edited by Heaven Knows : 01-01-2012 at 11:18 PM.
Okay, so I managed to keep safe last night - did a fair amount of damage but nothing substantial. I wish I could stop feeling this way. I wish I didn't constantly sit thinking about how close I came. I have made all these promises for the new year - twelve of them...and that actually means I need to make it through the next twelve months. I want to WANT to get better...I'm just not sure I do. I want to be back at work. I want things between me and Ad to be okay again. I want to see my family but not have to hide everything. I want to stop pushing my friends away. I want to stop worrying people. I want to make up for all the mistakes I have made. I just don't know how to. I'm properly freaking out about my weight now. It's not even close to what I was before...I can't get that number out of my head. In a way it's okay because Ad's not here and I can't really afford food so it kind of works out okay - but I know it's wrong. I know I'm going to be worrying and hurting people who love me. I feel like I need this. All of the other stuff - work and memories and everything I've told people is no longer in my control but this can be. Gah. My head is a mess. I'm supposed to be going to my friends house for dinner but I'm so ill I can't keep anything but ice cold water down at the moment. I guess that's another sign I shouldn't be eating. Something's not right but I'm afraid to find out what it is. OCD thoughts are getting stronger and stronger. Washing. Cleaning. Disinfecting. Over and over. Counting. All of it. I have a GP appointment tomorrow. I don't know what to say - he thought I was getting better...almost ready to return to work...and what do I go and do? OD and fuck myself up even more. Make myself worse than before. I've let him down. He's gonna write me off...I can feel it. CPN should be calling tomorrow too - not sure what to say to him either. Told him I was gonna work on things with Ad - what do I do? Kick him out. Told him I was gonna try to focus the OCD thoughts - instead I just bow to them. Told him I'd call crisis if I need them...did I? No. I fail everyone who's trying to help me. I'm freaking out about the meeting at work on Friday too. I just know they're gonna sack me. Or make me quit. I don't like the director of HR - I've barely spoken to her but I just don't like her. My manager is nice enough but can't talk to her because other one is gonna be there. Need to plaster a smile on my face and fake it until I can walk out of there and fall apart. They don't know about the recent hospital visit - I won't be telling them. If they know that they'll definitely say I'm no where near ready for work...instead I'll try my best to pretend I am and call into question how much the OH woman knows. I've faked it before...I can do it again. I'm sure of it. I just feel like I'm back into self-destruct mode; not testing my blood sugars, not doing my injections, not taking my medication as I should, not eating, barely sleeping, self-harming worse than I have in about eight years, pushing everyone away and isolating myself. It's fine, because this is all I've ever really known.
The support from you guys means the world to me, but I don't deserve it.
x Katie x
*Holds so tight*
Stay strong darling.
No one will think any less of you. Your struggling and there is nothing wrong with that.
What do you say to them?! The truth hun. About your thoughts, OCD, harming, eating, not being well. They will want to help you honey. You deserve that at the very least. You will be heard. I promise.
*Holds Katie tightly*
Stay safe honey, it wil all be ok. I believe in you. x
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Everyone needs support when struggling. Deserve support when need it. You deserve support and eveerything. I promise.
As Roli says... tell em the truth. Going back to work wil only add stress and stuff and you dont need thaat even though the people are great and wish you could be with them. If you WANT to get better then need to say the truth. Will only hurt you otherwise because less help.
You deserve and should have heell lot better then whats going on. Am always here if wanna talk.
As for money... tell one the people you talk to bout the money. Just need say dont have mqoney cause you havent been working and im sure they will try to help. Therres resources that can help ya and i really hope you tell someone almost everything to help fulfill your want. i love you and hope within next year things begin to look up. im glad you know what you want and have things to help get better.
please be safe katie. pm box always open and so are my ears :)
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
As everyone has said, you deserve the support, you are an amazing person who gives support to so many, you deserve some of your own. And you also need to tell the truth, it may be scary and hard to do but they can only help if they are told the truth. If you are lost for words could you write down everything you want to say? Or print out this thread?
They won't write you off honey, they just want to help you and make you safe <3 do you know why didn't you ring your team? And why the thoughts are so strong right now?
Keep fighting, you can make it, we all believe in you *more hugs*
PM me if you need it honey <3 xx
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Thank you all for the kind words. I feel like I'm the last person who deserves them though.
I'm going to write a letter to my GP saying everything; that way if I start to back out of telling him I can give it to him instead - it's how all this started so it won't be too weird for him.
I do feel pretty hopeless right now, and so damn alone.
Gah. I hope these appointments are going to stop this feeling.
x Katie x
feelings aren't facts! (got that yelled at me every day while i was in the hospital... drilled it into my head)... i mean, its a fact that you are feeling the way you are, no one can say that you aren't feeling sad if you're feeling sad... but feeling something doesn't make it true. feeling that my hair is green today clearly doesn't make it actually green. in the same way, feeling fat doesn't mean that you are fat, feeling stupid doesn't mean that you are stupid, feeling worthless doesn't mean that you are actually worthless.... etc. (i hope that made sense.... again, i'm reading through it and not totally sure)
with the ocd... have you done erp therapy? its really really the only thing that has proven to be effective. and if you do it properly, it is effective for most people.... i can give you more information if you like. or if you're already doing it, i'm happy to give lots and lots of encouragement and cheerleading, cause i've had to do a ton myself for my ocd.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
I haven't rung yet; I'll have to wait til tomorrow now because I've missed the allotted time to call for pre-bookable appointments.
My CPN called - I was honest with him about how I'm feeling. He wants me to meet with him tomorrow.
I'm feeling low again - really low. I don't know what to do any more. I just feel like I've f***ed up every single part of my life past the point of repair.
I really need to stop moaning and get over myself. Sorry.
x Katie x
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
