sammie, not many words but i wanted to (had to) say that i have no doubt whatsoever about you and you babe...it is so very obvious how much you love your lil one already.
I know how scary it is when ppl start mentioning safety in regards to your child...pls know they are only there to support you, not doubt you.
xxx
Thank you romp. I know your right but it's still pretty scary.
Our dog just killed a male pheasent and three chicks on her morning walk. The mother got away. The last baby didn't die straight away so Simon brought it home and I just watched it go. I feel so awful. Our dog is trained as a hunting dog (not by us) and we've been trying to learn her not to but it's instinct. I feel so bad.
I know i guess it just made me feel bad for those poor little chicks. I know its life and something else would have probably got them anyway but still :(
I've ended up getting out of going out this afternoon. So i've managed a whole weekend inside, again. I know i can't keep doing this once baby is born. I can't become a hermit. I find it easier to go out if i've been at work during the day as i guess i'm already in that frame of mind.
I have been quite productive though. I've made scones, biscuits, mince and dumplings and apple crumble. That has took the edge off the guilt so i don't feel quite so bad. Plus i've managed to do the clothes washing with simons help (i havent managed things like that for a while) but i think thats because its a new machine so its a novelty.
I'm really sleepy. Maybe i will go and rest in a bit.
I have mindfulness to do with the voices. I'm absolutely terrible at it. I'm supposed to listen to the tone and pitch rather than what he is saying. That's difficult though when what he is saying is really distressing. I've also realised how normal i look from the outside even when he's going mental at me. I've completely shut down from it on the outside. He keeps calling me a baby killer. Its freaking me out so i keep doing things to make little man move. He's moving fine. He used to say that when i had my m/c. I'm worried he could make something bad happen to this one.
I'm trying really really hard and i promise I'm trying to not dwell on things but I'm really not looking forward to the next week.
This weekend has never been good for me but it's been s year since hospital. I'm trying to be positive I really am. It's just I can't help remembering stuff that happened.
I keep thinking this time last year...
I know I need to not do this. I'm trying to plan nice things, talk to people, keep busy but it's alwasy in the back of my head.
It would be wrong to forget last year. Its something to remember and learn from. It will come in time. What ifs will drive you mad.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Last year happened, and it was painful, and I agree with Matt that forgetting it would be invalidating of the pain you went through then, but more than that, it also wouldn't be recognising of the strength you have within you to get through times like that.
I do agree with you that planning, talking and being with people - whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe - are good ideas. But if this is sitting at the back of your mind, is there any way you could safely 'explore' it? I know for me when I've had previous 1-year-since... moments, I've gone to my livejournal and typed it all out. That way it's stored somewhere safely, I can process it, and I don't have to keep thinking of it. I can tell myself that it's there.
Is there anyone you could talk with about it, or any way you could write it all down? A journal or RV? If you think it would help, of course. And if you do decide to give it a try I really suggest planning something super comforting afterwards for yourself, to help you feel safe and present in the moment.
Also, as part of the mindfulness skills, remember you are in this moment. Things are different to how they were a year ago, and when those memories rear themselves maybe you can do some things to ground and connect with the current moment - push your feet into the ground, squeeze a soft toy, or simply rub your pregnant belly! And remind yourself in your head that here and now, you are safe.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I guess I'm just scared of thinking about it because I don't know how I'll react.
I still have a lot of issues relating to hosptal which I guess I never sorted out in my head which is the same with most of my issues. I need to think about it but in a safe way and I guess I don't know if I'm ready or able to do that yet.
I did try to talk to S about it but he just said not to dwell on it and moved the convo on. I dunno. I have mindfulness tomorrow but I'm hoping to talk to her a little about it.
Frick me this time last year claire from the crisis team was at my house sorting out my admission and an ambulance. Crazy.
This is just something I heed to getcout my head. Itt will be pretty triggering. I'm sorry but it's going round like I stuck record.
Last year today was the day I tried to kill myself in hosptisl. I'd tried on the thurs night but in hindsight that was a sort of test. To see what I could get away with. I'm managed quite a lot and then got moved to a much more lax hospital so figured I'd get away with it.
Saturday morning. Sun cracking the pavements. I just couldn't cope with anything else. Family didn't know I was in there. Staff had been less than friendly. I can honestly say I truly wanted to die. It wasn't a cry for help or for attention I wanted to die. Two hours later they found me. In those two hours I remember losing conciousnes a few times but due to things I can't say on here as tip sharing when I passed out I would come back round quite quickly. I remember the feeling as vomit came out of my mouth. No control. Just lay there with it on my hair and neck and pillow. I willed it to take me but each time I woke up.
Then they found me. I'd had checks but they never came into my room. This rime they did. I thbik IRS because my breathing was funny. They broke my necklace and then told me off and said I'd have to have my door open even though I was on constant obs and they shouldn't hav closed the door in the first place. I didn't move. Didn't speak to then just lay there in my own sick.
Didn't move until my named nurse came on at 7pm who was also nurse manager. She was the only one who actually spoke to me. Checked the damage. Got a doctor to examine me. Had damaged myself but it just didn't matter. I just wanted to die. Got so chastised off people. The doctor the nurses the helpers. I just wanted to die.
I hate this memory. It's so much more graphic in my head. My heart races. I'm still so torn. Part of me thinks the change this past year imeans I'm nowhere near this place anymore but there's still this bit that would give anything to have succeeded. Why didn't they just leave me? I would have died eventually the doctor said that. I don't know what to feel.
How do you feel writing it all out like that Sam? I just want you to know I am so grateful that they found you. I understand a lot of the feelings you are describing - that you should have succeed. It was only a year ago and the memory is still tied in with all the emotions. But life is so different for you now. I want to validate that you must have been in intense pain then but I also want to acknowledge the fantastic opportunities and, really, a whole new life you have ahead of you. This might still hurt but it will hurt less and less, and be less real, as each day goes on. You have it written here, if you ever need it. But you no longer have to live it, it doesn't have to run around your head any more. It's here, and you can live better things now.
And that's scary and unsure and maybe, just a little exciting too, that better things are coming your way. You deserve it, after all.
I don't know hoe I feel to be honest. I got pretty upset afterwards I guess.
It's like a film strip being played over and over.
I had a really hard mindfulness session yesterday and I guess it hasn't helped the situation.
I am doing something nice today. We have nice things planned all weekend to get me through and a part from the odd hour or two I'm mostly never alone either.
I'm glad you have some nice things planned Sam. I don't expect it will make the memories any less unpleasant, but hopefully will allow you some time to change your focus from the film strip to the present moment, even f you have to do so really deliberately by focusing on small, visual things within the moment and describing them to yourself.
I was managing quite well. Then today it's all coming crashing down. Today was supposed to be our day out and I can't bare to get out of bed or speak or even consider leaving the house. I don't want to ruin our day. It's work again tomorrow and I'll regret it if I don't kick my arse into gear. It's not like it's even a bad day. It's a good day planned and I'm not going to ruin it by being selfish and lazy.
Sam, you're not being selfish and lazy, you're just struggling now and it's understandable as this is a tough weekend for you. What have you got planned for today?
I was going to suggest talking to Simon. Are you still planning on going out? If you're not up to it, it's okay to stay home. You're not at all a freak Sam. Not at all. You've gone through some extremely difficult things in your life and you are coping with them the best way you know how. It's okay to cry and have **** things happen make you feel ****. That's a normal response.
*sits with you*
Be gentle on yourself, you need compassion not insults.
Yeah we ended up going out. Feeling very fragile but had a talk with Simon which has helped. Going to have a relaxing evening to pull myself round for work tomorrow.
