It was ok, and just had a piece of fruit for morning tea which I'm feeling really bad about, hence being on here for some support.
I feel like I'm putting on weight, even though I've been told that I've lost a bit and my jeans are looser. (btw I am actually nearly overweight so it's ok to lose some weight). God I'm ashamed even saying that.
I'm also having serious SI thoughts that I'm not sure how to control, just trying to distract myself I guess. I may ask for some medication.
Whilst your on here, do you think you could take notes on some of the distractions, off the big distraction list, or, try and remember as many as possible and make your own to put up?
Use pretty colors?
anything you have really?
Or just spend some time on here, use the F&D forum.
Im sorry your feeling bad, sweetheart your doing well,just keep going, I know its hard, but this is what you need & your doing it!
Thanks Amber, have spent all afternoon trying to distract myself and sleeping, it's not working too well.
I feel like self harming so much, but I know that I will be kicked out of here if I do... and my ED is twisting that into a good thing so that I can be alone with it.
Might try the F&D board or something, thanks for the suggestions.
Got through last night which was really hard but I talked to the nurse and tried to keep busy, and had a truckload of meds :|
Just had breakfast, I can feel the fat under my skin, I can feel the poison.
They tell me I can't think like that and I dont want to, I just wouldn't have a clue where to start.
I'm thinking I might make a distraction/affirmations list and put it up on my wall, it'll keep me busy for awhile anyway I guess?
I just feel like such a failure, and I'm torn about whether or not to discharge still. I dont think I will, my psych made me promise I wouldnt impulsively discharge, that I would wait to talk to him first so I guess I'm still here for awhile.
Anyway enough rambling I haven't read this over so I hope something in it makes sense.
You are NOT a failure love. Not even close. Try to stay, you need and deserve the help!
I think the distraction/affirmation list would be an awesome way to think positively and keep you busy. I love doing stuff like that. I'll copy down a couple more of the pages I got in the hospital in case there is anything helpful you'd like to use!
You can do this lovely. Chin up!
I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
"Just be who you are.
I love myself in this present moment exactly as I am. As I do this, I feel my stomach relax, and I feel the muscles in my neck and back adjust themselves gently. I used to resist loving and accepting myself, believing that I had to wait until I lost the weight or go t the job, the lover, the money, or whatever. What happened was when I lost the weight or got the money, I still didn't love myself, and I just made another list. Today, I will drop my list of expectations! This moment is incredibly powerful. I am enjoying the feeling of just letting me be who I am."
"My body is perfect for me at this time. My body weight is also perfect. I am exactly where I choose to be. I am beautiful, and every day I become more attractive. This concept used to be very hard for me to accept, yet things are changing now that I am treating myself as if I were someone who was deeply loved. I am learning to reward myself with healthy little treats and pleasures now and again. Little acts of love nurture me, doing things that I really like, such as quiet time, a walk in nature, a hot soothing bath, or anything that really gives me pleasure. I enjoy caring for myself and to be my own best friend. I know my body is filled with star light and that I sparkle and glow everywhere I go."
This is a worksheet we had to do:
Positive Affirmations are self-esteem boosters!
1. I like myself because ______________
2. I do _____________ really well
3. I feel good about ____________
4. My friends would tell you I have a great _____________
5. My favorite place is ________________
6. __________________ loves me!
7. People say I am a good ____________
8. I have been told that I have pretty ____________
9. I consider myself a good _________
10. I like the way I feel about myself when I _______________
11. What I really enjoy most is _____________
12. The person I look up to the most is _____________
13. The one person that always makes me feel good about myself is ____
14. I look good when ___________
15. The color ___________ looks great on me
16. I have a natural talent for ___________
17. I am most happy when ___________
18. My goals for the future are ____________
19. One of the many positive traits I have is __________
20. People often compliment me about ____________
21. My friends respect me because I always ___________
22. I have a good sense of ____________
23. The two things I do best are ________ and __________
24. I know that I will be successful in life because I will __________
And some "self-soothe" distractions/coping skills:
Vision: Buy one beautiful flower; make one space in a room pretty; light a candle and watch the flame; set a pretty place at the table using your best things for a meal; go to a museum with beautiful art; Go sit in the lobby of a beautiful hotel; Look at nature around you; Go out in the middle of the night and watch the stars; Walk in a pretty part of town; Fix your nails so they look pretty; Look at beautiful pictures in a book; Go to a ballet or other dance performance or watch one on TV;
Be mindful of each sight that passes in front of you, not lingering on any.
Hearing: Listen to beautiful or soothing music; Listen to invigorating and exciting music; Pay attention to the sounds of nature (birds, waves, rainfall, leaves rustling); Sing your favorite songs; Hum a soothing tune; Learn to play an instrument; Call 800 or other information numbers to hear a human voice.
Be mindful of any sounds that come your way, letting them go in one ear and out the other.
Smell: Use your favorite perfume or lotions or try them on in the store; Spray fragrance in the air; Light a scented candle; But lemon oil on your furniture; Put potpourri in a bowl in your room; Boil cinnamon; Bake cookies, cake, or bread; Smell the roses; Walk in a wooded area and mindfully breathe in the fresh smells of nature.
Taste: Have a good meal; Have a soothing drink such as herbal tea or hot chocolate (no alcohol); Treat yourself to a dessert; But whipped cream on your coffee; Sample flavors in an ice cream store; Suck on a piece of peppermint candy; Chew your favorite gum; Get a little bit of special food you don't usually spend the money on, such as fresh-squeezed orange juice; Really taste the food you eat; Eat one thing mindfully.
Touch: Take a bubble bath; put clean sheets on the bed; pet your dog or cat; Have a massage; Soak your feet; Put creamy lotion on your whole body; Put a cold compress on your forehead; Sink into a really comfortable chair in your home, or find one in a luxurious hotel lobby; But on a silky blouse, dress, or scarf; Try on fur-lined gloves or fur coats in a department store; Brush your hair for a long time; Hug someone; Experince whatever you are touching; notice touch that is soothing.
Lol hope this helps. I'm full of stuff like this that I got in the hospital. Love you.
I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
Sweetie if you were a failure you wouldn't have gone to hospital to get better from this. You wouldn't have promised your psych that you wouldn't discharge yourself without talking to him first, that's not a failure in my eyes. That's somebody who wants to get better.
You can do this hun *cuddles* And you don't want to die. You wouldn't have checked yourself into hosp if you wanted to die so a part of you wants to live. It's your illness that's making you feel bad, probably because you've started to improve a bit (though you may not have consciously realised it) and your illness wants you to leave the hospital so you won't get better. You are more than capable of getting better. You need to stick it out though.
I know it's tough but I hope you will stay in hosp and ask someone there for a bit of support *cuddles more*
xoxoxo
I'm feeling a little better today but still on edge and feeling unstable. I managed breakfast ok, it's strange I'm learning to feel hungry again, and it doesnt feel good.
Im just so confused about whether or not I should be in here. I mean I know that I was a mess last night and far from coping, but I feel too fat and unworthy to be in here.
Sorry, can I please ask for a hug? Just had lunch and feeling terrible and wanting to purge but I cant because all bathrooms locked and we have to stay in the lounge for an hour. I feel disheartened and hopeless, and I'm angry at myself for feeling that way. It's a never ending cycle that I dont know how to get out of.
Thanks sweetheart, I am trying, we're just putting a movie on so hopefully that will help distract me and help with my thoughts.
Love you too hun, take care of yourself xox <3
I really hope the movie helps, I hope its something fun :)
Were here for when you need us, dont forget that, sorry this isnt very productive right now.
I just wanted to reply & let you know I was here & remind you we all love you.
xx
How are you feeling now love? I hope the movie helped to distract you even just a little bit. I would have loved to visit you today but next weekend if you are still ok with it. Keep holding on Ally, keep fighting and talking to your nurse. We are with you all the way xx
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