Have you thought about going on a retreat or for some respite? On the link I posted there was one that is in Scotland, but it may just give you the time to be good to yourself that you need. x
thats not a bad idea...im just not sure i would beable to keep me safe if i were to be on my own xx
well, I had my docs appointment today. He is definately tapering me off my meds. Both the ad and the ap (which helps me to sleep)
He said that he wants a clean slate and then to see where we go from there. Im scared and also excited at the change.
Im worried that ill come off them and feel no different...does that mean nothing will work for me?
Hes also going to be tapering orr the appts...so i wont be seeing him every two/three weeks...it will eventually be every three months.
Im scared im going to be on my own with all of this...am I chaseing all the help away with my behaviours?
I dont have a cpn or social worker, I dont have a therapist and I dont have a regular pysch, and soon to be without a doctor.
Are they telling me im well? Are they telling me that I dont need help? Is this the end of my treatment?
I am petrified
They do look really nice.. I was looking at the one in the new forest, but for this time of year it costs £700+ for a week and i just cant afford that.
Rowie sweetheart i understand partly why you r doc may want to take you off the meds but i do not understand about him tapering off the appointments?Do you know why?Have you said to him this may be a bad idea?
Does he/they know how bad you feel?im sorry things are still really so bad.im really worried about you.i hope you can stay as safe as possible and keep talking.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Hi Kath...to be honest, Im not that good at being open at the doctors...i sit and listen, but dont speak up. so no he probably doesnt know how bad things are. But then he knows about the recent hospital stay and he saw my arm yesterday.
But if they are going to give up on me then i will do it first and give up on them...that way i will show them that i dont have attachment issues and will avoid rejection.
I cant fight this anymore. I was wondering about seeing my therapist again, but theres the issue of the cost and also therapy and homework trigger me into harming, which kind of defeats the object..long story..
Yes I am well pissed off with things as they stand right now and if my arm wasnt already occupied with fresh wounds there would be a few more added tonight
three days into venlafaxine withdrawal and i feel my head is going to explode and i want to tear myself to pieces...
i am so ****ing angry with the whole world and i just cant shake it off....
Rowie coming off that **** will be the best thing in the long run. the withdrawal is dreadful. However it will get better sooner , rather than later. there are a rough few days ahead but trust me it DOES get better. I really really hope you never have to take that crap again.
Good luck
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I don't think they are telling you that you are well. I think he is recognising that some medication can actually cause some of the symptoms it is meant to be helping with to intensify. Venaflaxine did that with me. It was horrible and once I came off it, or a week or two after then I felt much more in control. The side effects of coming off it should start to ease in the next couple of days. Hang in there hun. You can get through this. Promise.
you KNOW i love you to pieces. but i have to tell you something.
you have had so much support from docs and therapists but you push them away. you dont want their help!! youve said it youtself. you "want to be left alone".
how do you expect to get better? this has gone on for years. and you could lose your arm!! the way you are cutting it, it will eventually stop blood supply to the rest of your arm and hand. this is reality.
i und4erstand seeing your son is painful but at least you have him!! you have him to hug and talk to. you have wonderful children.
this illness is going to destroy you and possibly end your life.
everyday when i lurk around, i always have a lump in my throat that i will see a memorial thread for you!!
i LOVE you Rowie bird.
PLEASE PLEASE cooperate with the docs. fight your urges. it CAN be done!! i harmed for 22 years and managed to stop. i slip up sometimes but nothing like it used to be. i KNOW you can do it!!
i love you to much to lose you. and im telling you right now i wish so bad i could buy a plane ticket and get to you. and if i show up at your doorstep dont be surprised!! of course, i dont have the money for it. but i would swim the ocean if i thought i could!!!
please get in touch with me. i miss our msn chat so freaking bad!! i think i may add it back and try to find you. i love you girlie!!
sorry for telling it like it is but i love you too much not to.
you KNOW i love you to pieces. but i have to tell you something.
you have had so much support from docs and therapists but you push them away. you dont want their help!! youve said it youtself. you "want to be left alone".
how do you expect to get better? this has gone on for years. and you could lose your arm!! the way you are cutting it, it will eventually stop blood supply to the rest of your arm and hand. this is reality.
i und4erstand seeing your son is painful but at least you have him!! you have him to hug and talk to. you have wonderful children.
this illness is going to destroy you and possibly end your life.
everyday when i lurk around, i always have a lump in my throat that i will see a memorial thread for you!!
i LOVE you Rowie bird.
PLEASE PLEASE cooperate with the docs. fight your urges. it CAN be done!! i harmed for 22 years and managed to stop. i slip up sometimes but nothing like it used to be. i KNOW you can do it!!
i love you to much to lose you. and im telling you right now i wish so bad i could buy a plane ticket and get to you. and if i show up at your doorstep dont be surprised!! of course, i dont have the money for it. but i would swim the ocean if i thought i could!!!
please get in touch with me. i miss our msn chat so freaking bad!! i think i may add it back and try to find you. i love you girlie!!
sorry for telling it like it is but i love you too much not to.
love you.
xxxxxxxx
WOW you go Rach!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
do you remember the times when you were at your illest and nomatter what anyone said and no matter how hard you tried you were on that path of self destruction...well i think im there. I hear and read all your words and yes i think i understand, but it juust doesnt sink inand i feel unable to change.
Its like yesterday, I had to go to a and e for harming and i met two of the most amazing staff. A doctor and nurse. They both sat with me and said how shocked they were at my harming and how it had now gone beyond selfharm and that it couldnt be classed as selfharm anymore. They said I could lose my arm. They said i could get cellulitus and die. Its was as if they were talking about someone else and not me
Thing is, it doesnt have any effect on me. What did have an effect on me was how nice the staff were, how understanding and kind. The nurse made me a mug of tea after he finished stitching me and we talked for an hour about things...that meant the world to me. He listened, he shared and he understaood and didnt judge. He was lovely. His name was Simon.
Yes i remember those times well. I know what you say.
Why do you think Simons had such and affect on you? Perhaps you should have a think about it a little more?
There is a lot of kindness out there to be had Rowie. When we open up to it a little it comesflooding in. Its hard to accept at first. But its there. Trust me, its there!
xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
and YES, i do remember being where you are, all too well. thats why i refuse to let myself go back there.
recovery is a process, a long one, and sometimes you dont even know its happening until someone points out how well you are doing :)
i believe in you Rowie, always have.
i know kelly talked to you a bit when i was laying down when you were leaving for the hospital. im glad you went. thats a good step because ive seen you not go many times. little steps rowie bird.
I went to a and e because a kind person on ryl told me that I ought to, that I had to and I trust what she says to me......so I went and now im glad that I did.
Im drinking. Im back to that again...slip the odd one in whilst hubby pops out, wash the glass before he sees...I have mints for my breath. All very sneaky and underhand and yes i am ashamed. But i need something toi help blot the crap out, makes life bareable
things are bad..although ive been told bad things will happen to my arm and me, it doesnt sink it. I feel ''its not going to happen to me'', ''ive gone so long with these threats and nothing has happened, they must be wrong''. They wont section me because of it, theyve tried before..but because i am of sound mind and i know what im doing, im not sectionalbe which is a good thing. Im just left to my own devices and thats fine
Matthew, Simon was lovely because he didnt make me feel a freak..he listened and understood and didnt judge. He took care and time over my wound...i dont have anyone who i can talk to who will understand and not judge me..i dont have anyone i can tell how things really are for me...The fact that i rarely wash. I only have a bath when im cutting. I dont change my clothes for days/weeks on end. I rarely brush my teeth or change my underwear. I stay in bed til 3pm so i dont have much of the day left to live..i wash my hair when im told it looks greasy..life isnt a bed of roses and i have noone to share that with. I cant tell my doctor...im too ashamed to, I dont tell anyone, but I told simon and he listened
I know i have a family around me. A family i try to protect from all this crap. Im in it, I make it, its my crap to deal with. My hubby is so depressed he finds it easier not to deal with. He is my taxi driver when i need to go to the doctors and a and e..he doesnt question it..its something he does. He feels he is helping in some way and he is...but i dont have his support and i dont feel i can tell him things.
Have you ever thought about getting in touch with a befriender service? You can also get financial support for that respite place.
Please tell your doctor exactly what is going on. They can't help if they don't know.
sorry i havent posted on here for a week...ive been suffering and still am with the withdrawal effects from coming off venalfaxine. Im now on just 75mg every other day. I can feel my mood dropping and i just cant seem to lift it,
Ive just had stitches taken out of my arm and already im getting urges to harm there again.
Rowie you control wherther to talk to your doctor or not. How can you get help if you dont ask for it?
I dont have the same situation but it is obvious that we share something incrediblty similar in the fact that those around us havent a ****ing clue and dont know how to help and they have enough of their own **** that they fail before they even start. i know how dreadfully sad and alone that can make you feel. the loneliness kills..........
Thankfully i have a great therapist. I also have a support team. I only got that support by trying over and over. I kept open and honest. It was the only way. Ok it took hospitalisation, lots of blood and ods and tears and pain and upset to get there but i did it! SO CAN YOU! but rowie you will never get it by sitting alone dying. You WILL die! I bet you already feel dead anyways?
there are more Simons out there like i said, but if simons dont know you exist then how can they find you and help?
it comes to us all rowie that at some point no matter how terrifiying, we have to take some responsibility for ourselves. The help is there but sometimes we gotta help them to help outselves. Then you will find the help will come!
Its really hard rowie. Im not just saying it cus its something to say. Imsaying it cus ive been there too. I bet ive been just as scared as you too. Felt just as low and hated myself just as much. but you would be amazed wnat a little effort can bring. It doesnt mean getting a life in the click of a finger. It can be as simple as just sitting there and asking for help. But you gotta mean it. And i mean REALLY mean it. Thats all it takes. It sews a seed to recovery.
the road is hard and long. Its terrifying. but you can get better. You can have a good day where you feel like rowie again. you can have days when its ok to whisper to yourself that its "ok".
*gives you a peanut covered in hamster noses*
:)
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
