sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting and it's not a big deal, and then I read the prognosis and the statistics and I think it is a big deal.
Of course it is a big deal hun.
However "normal" all this has become, it is still a big deal. And a lot more than many people have to cope with at 21. It is scary and upsetting and so it is ok to cry, and be scared, and to worry.
I know your way of coping is to focus on thinking it will all be fine. But part of me feels like perhaps that is only forcing the scared and worried part of you deeper and that isn't always good.
Its fine to admit that its hard. I would encourage you to tell at least one person at uni what is going on, so you have a shoulder to lean on when you need to. They might surprise you with how they react. And actually, sometimes sharing something like this with friends helps bring you closer.
Remember, you don't have to be brave all the time ok?
Thank-you, I really needed to hear that. It helps sometimes just to acknowledge that it's ok to be scared I think.
I went to the cinema with my best friend and her son today [well, yesterday now] (Tinkerbelle and the Great Fairy Rescue haha). It was actually the best therapy ever, little kids are great sometimes, I laughed so much. He's so sociable and he's more confident with me now, so he was chatting loads and he tried to lick my face at one point (who knows why!). It was so nice to just be silly and have fun.
On the downside I was really quiet and sad for a lot of the evening. But I think that's partly just tiredness making it worse, because it was a good day and I didn't think too much.
The hospice who are helping my mum are advertising for a few jobs atm, and I'm considering applying because I need some part-time work. My best friend doesn't think it's a good idea because of possible future - her aunt died and her mum is really struggling with it because she's a nurse working in the same area. I'm not really sure whether to apply or not 'cos on the one hand, if and when we need them it will not be nice, but on the other hand, money is money.
Oh hun. Cancer is such a horrible thing. As I just said on the thread dedicated to Ian (Monsoon)...my granddad just got diagnosed with stomach and lung cancer. Not sure on the type of cancer in the lungs, he's having a biopsy on his lung some time this week.
Unfortunately they can't use chemotherapy on him because of his other medical conditions. Radiotherapy it is.
My heart goes out to you and your family at this tough time <3
Thank-you for the support, it means a lot. I'm sorry about your granddad In The Darkness, and if you need someone to talk to about it I'm always around.
I'm glad that your grandma survived it Ami, and it's very reassuring to hear positive stories. The signs seem good for my mum at the moment, so hopefully she will be one of the few who lives a long time with this too.
Today was good, we went to Chessington. Tonight was good, I had a load of alcohol with my brother. It was fun.
I really should know by now that pretending it's all fine doesn't make it go away. But I want to be a normal 21-year-old. Most of my friend at uni's priorities in life involve alcohol and doing the bare minimum of work to pass their degree. I want that too.
I can't have drunk that much because I can still type correctly, right? I'll probably delete this in the morning. I've drunk enough that I'm starting to feel ill, but also to realise that I'm being stupid. It was meant to be fun though, it was a good day. In Chessington I heard my mum talking to my dad. She was telling him that the hospice nurse said she could have a couple of drinks if she wanted to while she was on the medication, even though it said not to, because the hospice nurse said the important thing was that she enjoyed herself. My mum was saying 'She obviously thinks I've had it'. But I don't think that's what she meant at all.
My mum said on Monday that she's worried I don't realise how bad this is, but I do, I really do, 100%, I've read it all. I must be doing a good job of pretending though, so that's good. Not pretending really, just being optimistic. Someone has to be in that 4% who make it past 5 years, and I know my mum will be in that 4%. My mum says the hospice nurse said she isn't being realistic. I think she's being realistic. They said the outward signs are good, they wouldn't say that if they didn't think it would be ok. In November they'll say the tumour's gone, that the radiotherapy have removed it all, I know they will, I know I'm just being silly.
I just want things to be ok again. I just want November (I'm assuming November, it might be October or maybe beginning of December, but they said about 3 months anyway) to be over with, so that it's confirmed that everything will be fine.
Anytime you need support welcome to contact me. I was with my father through the chemo and radiation, so I understand how frightening and isolating it is to be where you are. *hugs* I wish I could sit down with you and talk this all out in person. ......
Thank-you, that really helped to read that. It is really frightening and very isolating. I want to talk about it sometimes because it's so lonely, but I don't know who to talk to sometimes.
I talked to my mum last night though, and I'm going to talk to one of the counsellors from the hospice tomorrow. I dunno if it will help, I don't really know what to say. I still keep feeling like I'm overreacting and that everything will be fine in November(ish) and hopefully I will be proved right, but I don't know.
It was draining if that makes sense, but it helped I think just to have that time to talk about it for a while and not feel guilty about bringing people down. For patients and relatives involved with the hospice they do unlimited sessions, so I'm seeing him weekly for a while now.
He said that it's understandable the way I feel, like talking to the hospice is kind of giving in and accepting it, but he said it's ok to accept it, that it's not giving up hope, and that there are people who have been involved with the hospice for 4 or 5 years at least. And he said that I'm reacting normally because he can see how close I am to my mum. I said to him that I hate feeling like this is normal now, and he said that's ok because it's not a normal situation to go through.
Our kickboxing instructor talked to me last night too, 'cos I was really struggling with getting it all out of my head. He said to me to use the kickboxing as something to focus on and really get into it as hard as I want, to put everything else to the back of my mind for a while, and use it as an energy release. It kind of helped, it's good just getting some reassurance sometimes.
And my best friend and her son brought me round a box of chocolates and a card yesterday which says: 'A Little Hug: Whenever you are feeling sad and things aren't going right and your usual happy smile has slipped right out of sight, here's a little hug from me if I cannot be there because I want you to know just how much I care'. I am keeping it with me now, 'cos it is nice to feel less alone.
You are overreacting. You are pathetic, self-absorbed and selfish. Other people go through much worse than this and this is not a big deal at all. It's all going to be absolutely fine, and in November they will confirm that. If they do it means we might well have four or five years left, maybe more if my mum is very lucky. That's ages, right? That's nothing to be sad about, right? You're overreacting and you have no right to be sad, everyone thinks you are just being stupid.
It's just a part of life, right? It happens to everyone.
I watched Hollyoaks and it was so sad.
But this isn't real because it's all so detached, everything will be fine, I am 100% sure of it.
So why do I feel sad still?
Why do I feel guilty going back to uni? What if what if what if. There's no point in what ifs, they don't help. But just in case. Just in case.
I am starting to plan how I will hurt myself back at uni.
You are not overreacting. You are strong, caring and selfless. I could go on, but I know that you are such a humble person, that you would probably deny everything I say.
Cancer is one of the worst things to happen to anyone in modern times. If yourr pain isn't valid as a family member of a sufferer, why are there so many support organisations?
I can't predict what the doctors will say, but nothing's definite and we're here for you which ever way fate takes this. I guess the waiting and uncertainty's the hardest part, but it's not long now. Between now and then I think you really need to look after yourself.
Cancer isn't a part of normal life. It's an abnormal hiccup in a normal life, and the effect of it hurts a lot of people.
Why do you feel sad still? Because inside that mask of certainty and confidence, you are scared of what could happen, and you know that nothing's definite. You can change the facade, but you can't change the emotions inside.
If 'what ifs' don't help, why think about them 'just in case'? You could come up with a million 'what ifs' and one of them could very well be the eventual truth, but you'd have 999,999 lies, or unnessecary worries.
Why do you think you feel guilty about going back to uni?
Can you tell someone at uni abut these plans? You need to take care of yourself.
I see that your letter to yourself is quite harsh. Would you write a letter to anyone else like that? Maybe you could try writing a nice letter to yourself? Or maybe write a letter to your mum explaining how scared you are? (Even if you don't give it to her, it could help)
Liv honey I can't really add much more to what Gemma's written no matter what happens in November this is happening now and it's hurting you now. No matter how much you try to hide how you're feeling it what ultimately change the out come of what happens. As you can see here nobody thinks you're being stupid at all. I only wish you could see that taking care of your feelings is just as important as taking care of everyone else's. Beating yourself up won't change what's going happen but taking care of yourself now will help you and it's completely natural that you feel sad and upset, anybody in this situation would. Maybe your student advisor could put some support in place for you when you get back to uni, would you consider contacting them?
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
'Cancer isn't a part of normal life. It's an abnormal hiccup in a normal life, and the effect of it hurts a lot of people'. I never really thought about it like that before, but it makes sense. I am trying to be ok and to tell myself this is a part of life and everyone has to go through it eventually (although hopefully it will be a long time away still), but sometimes I just think, well people do have to go through it, but you don't really expect it when you're young, you kind of take it for granted that maybe you'll be in your 40s or 50s before you face losing a parent, and then something happens and that doesn't look like a possibility anymore. And hopefully I won't be in my 20s when anything happens. But probably I will be. Hopefully not.
I think I feel guilty about going back to uni because of all the 'just in case' stuff. As soon as they confirm that the radiotherapy's worked and everything's going to be fine it's ok, but until then there's that thought of 'What if I go back and then it's not ok and I miss out on 2 months'. I can come back home though, I've got the car so I can drive back whenever I want. I said to our kickboxing coach last week I felt guilty for being there, and he said it's ok to be there and to live my life and to have a break from it all. But sometimes I still feel guilty. But if it's all ok I don't need to be.
I'm scared of telling anyone at uni about the plans because I don't want help at uni again, I don't want to see the social worker again and I don't want the police involved again. Although possibly that is more likely if I don't get help, I don't know. The student advisor does know what's going on with my mum though, she was really helpful last term when everything happened. Maybe I will tell her. I was considering talking to her a bit anyway because I need to start thinking about doing postgraduate studies, and if I want to I don't know where to do it, whether to stay near home or just to go wherever I want and sort that later if I need to. And I could maybe try and talk to the counsellor from the hospice a bit about ways to cope, maybe.
I will try and write a nice letter, either to myself or to my mum or something. If I write nice things though, or if I write that I am scared or that I am sad, if I write all the stuff I am feeling down, I am scared I will cry again, and I don't want to cry, I haven't cried much this week except when I watched Hollyoaks yesterday and it was about cancer. But I will try and do it because sometimes even if I do cry, sometimes it can help.
But Liv going back to uni doesn't mean you care any less about your mum. It's clear from everything that you write how much you care about her and I'm sure she knows that. You're right there must be a lot of uncertainty going around in your head at the moment but agin feeling guilty won't change that at all. I'm sure you're all doing your best to help your mum live each day to the full and she'd want you to do the same.
I think talking to your hospice counsellor and your student advior is a really good idea and crying is okay to do hon, it's a healthy response yo what you're going through right now. You need to release some emotion and this is a healthy way to do it. I really wish I could be of more help Liv but at the very least I'm a PM away if you need me.
*squishes you tight*
I'll be thinking of you.
Last edited by Moonlight Princess : 14-11-2010 at 07:58 PM.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
It's the uncertainty that is so difficult I think. Once we know 100% that it's gone/is going, it will make it easier I think, at the moment it's still easy to focus on what they said in March about it being probably less than a year. I think partly it's because after the initial prognosis, once the chemotherapy started they said it was really positive and they could probably do the surgery straight after that. And then after the chemotherapy finished it had shrunk (so it's still really good) but it still wasn't operable, so now I think we all just don't want to get our hopes up too much. But once we know it's ok then the uncertainty is gone.
I will try and talk to my student advisor and the hospice counsellor. I feel a bit awkward about talking to him at the moment, 'cos I've only met him once, but he says they do unlimited sessions for patients/relatives from the hospice and he seems helpful so far, so I will have a go.
I just wanted to let you know I have read and I am thinking of you. The uncertainty is terrible when there is no definitive answers, it can really sit heavily on your mind and I understand that. I think speaking to someone does help, even if it is awkward at first, just to get some things out. Seeing the student advisor sounds good too, to help sort out where you stand and how you feel with university.
I wish I had some more advice for you, but please, keep talking. We're all here for you <3
Thank-you. I've got 3 weeks left at home and then uni starts again, so I will try and talk to the student advisor the first week just, at least then she can know it will be difficult until we know for sure.
My mum was sad tonight because there was an advert on TV about the number of people who get cancer. I think she's ok though, it's just it seems to be everywhere on TV lately.
I'm considering writing a letter, not to anyone in particular but just to write stuff down. Maybe to give to the hospice counsellor because I close up a lot when I talk to people. But I'm not really sure.
A letter sounds like a good idea. I know sometimes people suggest writing those sorts of letters that you don't get around to give - like you could write a letter to cancer, or to your mum, just to express yourself and get it out, but not have to give it. Equally though a letter as a means of expressing to then open up a bit (so, someone will read it) is good, too, and it's such a great method of getting your idea across clearly.
Can you speak to/write to the hospice counsellor before uni goes back? Three weeks is a long time without someone to talk to about such difficult feelings as this.
