Triggering - The Tales Of a Broken Heart. - Page 5

Delirium. · 03-08-2010, 07:26 AM

Five days until I'm with her.
Five more days until I can hold her in my arms.

And i've never been so incredibly

Frightened.
I walked straight up to her "can i hug you?"
She looked at me as though I 'd grown a million heads "Yes of course" She puts her arms around me and for the first time in my life

I feel whole.

Did she know how much that truly means to me?

She smiled at me and I felt my face twist into a smile in return. I feel Alexander closer his touch just passing breeze. His regards it seems.
We stand that way awhile. Just watching her as they sky turned to eve.
"i love you"

I've never been so happy.

I've never been so broken.

Delirium. · 17-08-2010, 03:15 PM

So it's been many months now, and as I stare at the familiar lights of the city. I've never been more homesick.

But I don't even have a home.

Crushed I felt my spirit sink and the darkness fold around my edges. My skin peeling away to leave an empty shell bleeding regrets onto the floor. The muscle tissue decayed and waterbloated my body lies still on the cold unforgiving concrete. The lights above my head flicker as a train passes by but I never even felt the vibration. Withdrawn I scramble to find a foothold before losing the last of my strength. No longer wishing to hold on but no way to let go. The weight of all that's happened is crushing at my throat. I want to tell you I'm okay, I want to but i'd be lying. I want to ask you for help, but i've long since given up trying. All that I'd hoped to acheive I gave up for dying.

The screaming above my head and the shufflinf of feet. The slam of bodies off walls crushed and broken they fall down around us like the next big tidal wave to strike the house in a fury, tearing everything to the ground. Basement level hiding places, the spaces we use to erase our faces. So you can't see us weep. Fast asleep under the base of the stairs and noone ever knew I was there. My eyes only half closed as I dozed because dreams are better then this. Comatose.

They find me lying in my own retched pool. Carry me out of that place on a wide stretcher. A fool. They load me into a truck and determine signs of life, breathing and movement. But no life behind my eyes. It seemed to unnerve them, the cold blank stare they recieved when questioning brought them no answers. Resistance, reluctance to dig holes any deeper. They reffered to me as a silent creeper.

They say I like attention but all I wanted was to be alone. Locked tightly within my chamber of stone. I felt the walls breaking. As they tried to peer beneath. Rip down my carefully built bricks with the hopes of saving me. It only made it worse my return to your reality. The pain as it swept across my chest and my heart rate dropped to zero.

Shocking as they struck me back into life with a trigger. A steady beat and burns left.Quite a stinger. I feel the skin slide back on, my eyes slowly turn to light. My mouth opens but nothing comes out, despite all my might. I simply sit alone and cry silently beneath the light. Midnight they lock my door. Make sure i'm medicated and secure. Catatonic I disappear like never before.

Then I hear you speak my name. Your sad eyes resting on my unmoving figure placed by the window strapped to a chair. Why are you here when your face reads you'd rather be somewhere. Somewhere else far away from here. Perhaps it is the fear. You tell me you're leaving. Forever. You simply came to say goodbye. I do not turn to you, nor do I reply. Your footsteps echo out the hall. Ask for an update trying to stall.

Just to see if I would acknowledge you. But I wouldn't even try. Six months have passed and I know the notch on my belt tells me it's too soon. To try to get up and leave this empty room. My home, all that I have in two simple plastic bags I speak three simple words and sigh. They release me back to my design.

I return to my empty hole under the stairs, just an empty stain and remaining nightmares. But as I sit You come down the stair. You stop at the foot and come around to the side. You reach your hand in, touch my face. I see that you cry. For what? I catch your eye and you kneel to meet mine and wrap me in your arms. "are you fine?" My arms wrap around you as yours do mine and I wish I could tell you I am but I'm not.

When your everything i've got and i'm not okay.

Would you be able to tell there is more that still remains?

Still hidden within. I wish I could say hello to a new day. But today is worse then yesterday and tomarrow won't be better.

I'm just sorry I couldn't even write you a letter

Before I passed right through you and you knew.
I was long gone. The body on the floor cold and lifeless, my heart to beat; Nevermore.

Delirium. · 04-09-2010, 11:33 AM

I have nothing to say.

Delirium. · 08-09-2010, 08:13 AM

I realized over time i'd do anything to keep what's mine because I don't have much left after years of destructive habits and spending too much time entirely introverted.

Yet after years of looking into myself all that I realized is I hate what lies beneath more than what lies on the outside. Everything i've boxed and bottled building up into towers chest high. The mask on the outside a careful lie of apathy. I pick open the champagne corks one by one and let them release all at once so I lose myself in the sea. I erased some of the past without my own consent. Have gone searching for the way I last remember myself to be.

I found the things I didn't like. The framework for the firebomb lying just beneath, the monster crawling beneath my skin. The urge to slip deeper again. The words that rebound in my mind again. "Worthless,Ugly,Useless,****,Bastard,Liar,Cheater, Vile,Violent,Withdrawn,Pained,Confusion,/depression,Suicide,Rage."
I erased these words day by day. Then erased the blade.

The darker shades under my eyes recede and the darker shade of my eyes lightened with the new feeling. A feeling all entirely new. A feeling at all. Creeped along the edges of my lips. I felt my cheeks compensate and a faintly crooked grin adorns the usually empty glare. I erased the darker side of me. Only to create someone all together new.

My mind had to compensate for the things I refuse to be. Human energy. The state of a mental riot as it goes against the nature of things. Then we came to be as two, to three. Inside of one. All the hated sides of me locked tightly within.

I read these old texts and wonder why in all the time I decided to leave a record of lost time.

DestroyMe · 08-09-2010, 08:41 AM

I love you
-hugs-

and you're not the old you, far from it
you'll have more happiness to add to this soon yes?

Delirium. · 08-09-2010, 09:09 AM

It's so hard to be positive when there is so much negative weighing me down. Harder to step higher when the slope is slick and steep. I'm climbing a slide mount everest side with an elephant on my shoulders.
and it's getting hard to breathe.
It's so hard to want to get out of bed in the morning. It's even harder to go to sleep. How can I sleep when everything I dream is a nightmare. When I know I'll wake to A worse nightmare. Some days that I call life. It's too hard to push myself to want a simple beat.
My heart still beats can't you see?

It tears me up to know I'm killing you along with me. Do you know how much this means to me? When everything says i'm getting worse, can't you be there for me? You're so caught up in what is yet to be, do you even see how this makes me? I feel your pain, the tears that fall. They sear my heart, as they fall burning your cheeks and scarring me. They tell me to be happy. To be happy with the time left, but tell me how can you be happy when your already mourning? When your already staring over the edge of a gravestone and you know YOU'RE NEXT. How do you find the strength?

This weight proves too heavy and my feet would slip as I continue to climb the slide, one step forward and three back and with your hand on my chest pushing. I'm going faster then it seems. You can't be behind me watching my back because you're standing in the future looking at the past saying what a shame. Life isn't long enough as it is, why should I suffer any more than this?

I need you now more then ever. I need a friend, a companion. But it wrecks you far more then I and I will hold onto my pain, and wish all of yours away. IT would have been better for you had we not met,
But i'd never not want to know you.

Because despite everything yet, I still have something to live for in you. So why can't you just believe me when I say i've got plenty of tomarrows and this illness is yesterday.

I've got a strong heart and alot of hope. Do you, do you? do you trust that i'll make it? Or do you believe i'll leave like all the rest? Is that what you want from me, to be like the rest. I know this isn't my personal best, but why do i need to add to my pain, to yours, to anybodies?

why me?

Delirium. · 07-10-2010, 12:19 PM

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering

DestroyMe · 09-10-2010, 05:21 AM

-hugs-
but if you had of died you wouldn't of met me. <3
I love you Mein Angel <3

Delirium. · 13-10-2010, 01:48 AM

I always struggled with gender

Pulling back my hair I stare into the cold dark eyes in the mirror and see my brother, the eyes changing to a light blue. He smiles and I let my hair fall and stare back at my own face. Little scars trickling around the edges, Throwing on the customary baggy shirt and jeans and looking back into my once again deep green eyes.

The buzzers tickle the edges of my ears and the hair falls off in itchy clumps along my neck. Alexander's giggles explode from behind me and I scoff at him and rub my newfound fuzzy head. Back into my room I stand before the mirror in disdain. My thoughts racing as I poke at every inch I hate it more and more. Cruel eyes level with my own and become spiderwebbed as my fist slams through the fragile pane.

I lay alone staring into the ceiling, i'll never be able to be myself. Next best thing, I roll to my side and slip into the familiar pattern of the razor's edge. My dreams tinged in red as we run across the surface of the water that rises slowly until there is nothing but a ripple of where I once was.

Like the dreams I realized I am not what it seems.
But I chose androgyny because I know

No-one would ever truely love me for me.

crazykat · 13-10-2010, 11:37 AM

Good updates *hugs*

Delirium. · 05-11-2010, 01:11 AM

I grab my brother and shake him; his eyes wide as he stares into my face "what's wrong D?" I stop shaking him and tears stream down my face "She doesn't understand!!" He tilts his head and blinks "I don't think I do either; C'mon kid tell me what's goin on." I take a breathe and choke a little "Well I don't think she understands just how much I love her; and I don't know how to show her; i'd do anything for her I want her to be happy. I love her with all of me; but she's always asking me why and she doesn't trust me and I just feel like i'm floundering around and I don't know what to do." He sits me down and hugs me staring me over a bit "Tell ye what kid; I bet she knows plenty and you just don't think she does" --me pouty face-- "Don't you give me that..she does! She just needs you to remind her so she doesn't go all batshit on you again." I sniffle a few times and think. "Do you think if I was more open and everything it'd help" He smacks my head "Yes dummy now get to making your girl smile would ye? and get outta my hair" He sticks his tounge out at me and casually strolls out of the room leaving me to my inner demons "But what if i'm not what she wants...what if i'll never be good enough..." I whisper.

DestroyMe · 05-11-2010, 01:36 AM

you are good enough for me silly :)
I love.

crazykat · 13-11-2010, 01:41 AM

Good update :)

Delirium. · 17-11-2010, 10:53 AM

"I told you I am bad Alexander; The sandman came and told me so." His bright eyes boldened and he stared into my face "You're not bad D. The sandman is you can't believe him."

I know your confused; The sandman is supposed to bring dreams; "But he brings us nightmares and tears away at our arms;face and neck; he wants us dead!" I say quietly. Alexander sighs and with a somber gaze says "D we are already dead; You and I. Theres nothing left for the sandman to ruin." My mothers old journals he tosses to the floor "Why did you ever read them? Her delusions were unfaithful at best; The sandman didn't kill her we did." A tear fills my eye and I bite the traitorous thing back. "I know; But Alexander the sandman said you're next; I don't want him to get you! Don't let him Alexander!" He playfully pushes me and smiles his coy little smile "Do I look like I'm going anywhere little sister?" I scoff and stare off over his shoulder " I wish you wouldn't do that D." I blink a few times and tilt my head "Do what dearest brother of mine?" He scowls "Look through me you dolt." I laugh and it sounds rough like i'm choking on sandpaper and the room starts spinning. "I'm sorry Dom."

That's the last I remember from that day...

"Dear D,
If you're reading this..Forgive me.
You remember when you made me promise the sandman wouldn't get me? It seems he snuck up on us little one. For now; I dream forever. I couldn't tell you; What it's like to even try to write this letter. I know there's nothing I can say for my actions say everything. I'm sorry D. Just keep your head up; You know mum'd be proud of you. Do something for me and take care of yourself; I'll be with you always. Always A part of you.

-Dominyk Alexander

Makes me remember his 8 year old face smiling at me and then turning to a frown "D what you did to your arm?" I quickly furl my sleeve down to the wrist "Nothing Dom no worries" He pinches my arm and I wince "You lyiinn. You know I can tellll" I bite my lip and beg him not to say anything "Okay D I won't tell but don't you not do it no more okay?" I nod but stay silent;

13- I'm wrapped in the usual bandages walking down the hall; Dom bumps into me and pushes me into a wall. "Hey D what you got there eh?" He pulls one of the bandages off and observes my wounds "I wish you wouldn't do that brother." He smirks "I could tell you the same" He hands me a new bandage and continues down the hall smiling; I know he is; He was always smiling.

------

crazykat · 17-11-2010, 10:58 AM

Good update :)

Delirium. · 18-11-2010, 02:43 PM

Somedays I feel hollow; a simple shell with no life within. Less than human it builds within until I am blinded and hurled into the darkest depths of my soul. Leaving behind an apathetic wretch on auto-pilot in my place.

"Father I have not sinned for my mask made me do it; Though he holds no power now.." I am watching the page shiver in my hands the words blurring in and out. I raise my gaze to my brother who sits by my feet "How he longed to wrap his hands around her throat once more; But would find no solace in her taunting expression; No haunting fear; Just a replaced confidence as his hands touched the ground a final time."
The edges of my vision swims as I recount from memory an old story unfinished. "Laying by my master's feet lies the mask; The monster; My soul ripped piece by piece and lay before me a dull porcelain mask I part my lips to speak yet no words come from stone tounges and grey hearts. I smash the mask and walk away from all that was left of me. Just more of who he made me. Broken I; Broken I am forever a slave."
Tearing the pages between my shaking hands as I slide away from life. From alexander and I see the panic on his face for I must have fallen. A dull thud and I feel the force working it's way down my arms; Breaking of glass and a muffled plea. Though I do not awaken.
Music reaches my ears after what must have been days; My brother sits beside my bed. The room covered in debris. He sets ice to my lips and my eyes flutter open responding to the cold. He jumps out of his seat his hands on my face instantly. He cries "I almost lost you D" I try to move but find myself confined by a cast and the pain; unbearable. "You put me through the window and yourself; Then you moved to land under me" His eyes misty "I know you didn't mean to do it..I didn't mean to break you in the fall!" I cringe feeling his pain and guilt override my senses and I feel my vision begin to fail again "Don't brother just talk to me; keep me grounded." He speaks at length of many things always petting my hand and watching my face. I slowly drift to sleep at peace for once in weeks.

Sometimes the parasite breaks free and rises up to codemn all those closest to me; Can't you see; I'm so afraid to hurt you. So tired of being me.

Delirium. · 09-12-2010, 01:49 AM

Do you know what it feels like to feel alienated from everything? The people you care for and love become faceless images in a blurred reality. I am alone; yet surrounded. They try to reach through to me; Say anything, the words don't fall through the cracks in my mind instead reflect off blank eyes. They know nothing of this. This empty shell building again. I live with 3 other people; not including another brother that stops by from time to time; though none of my brothers talk to me. Not longer than hi. If that. They disappear into the basement and laughter and low voices follow up the vents to me as I sit alone; as always. My friends they do not visit. If they do da shuts the door in their face. mum's always sleeping or in a catatonic state fueled by meds. My walls they speak to me as I lay alone. They tell me to move on; to stay stong. But not a day goes by that when I lay my head onto my pillow I hadn't wished to sever an arterie and noone would notice you see. They do not see me; nor my pain. I carve the intricate patterns of the pain behind my eyes into the edges of my frame. The bitter memories fading leaving only pearly white scars. How I long to be happy; if only for a day; To awaken with a true wish to live; to have a smile on my face right up until I close my eyes for the night. The faces on my walls reflect years long since past. Never have they changed; just a slight disorder. Old gifts grow dusty as they pass; and I do not remember how long ago I put them there. I run my fingers across old trinkets once important to me; bringing small bits of memory back; but not the age. I sit feeling lost in my own skin. What drove me to be this way? No-one asks how i've been; how was my day. I do not go outside; even if i had there is nowhere to go; these days it's too cold. Too cold from the inside out. I long to be held; even an embrace. It's been years since the last time I felt such a desire. Friends from years ago seem so surprised when I speak polite. Makes me wonder what kind of mask they remember; The me they remember is long gone; drown under a sea of sorrow and pain. Guilt ridden I seperate from these memories, they are not mine but theirs. Time erases all of what I used to be. So much so somedays I even forget to breathe. How often the days pass in a blur. I watch the shadows on the wall rise and fall with the dawn of a new day; the dusk of a new hour. The twilight moon's bright eyes peering through my window; how many nights I have watched the same sky. Try to occupy my time to prevent worse methods of self injury. We feel the urge tickle under the skin but slip faster into dreams. They see me; can hear my passing; but not my voice. A smile only arising to my face with the voice of my lover. Though she knows only that she is the reason I am here but not the reason why I chose her. I've always withdrawn; as memory permits; would do anything to drive those close away. Though those in my house drove themselves away; diving into drugs and alcohol their own escape. Should it be so different that I chose a different method of coping with life. Though all I wish for is to die; I do not have the courage to end my life. They say cowards kill themselves but I beg to differ. It takes alot of courgae to leave everything you know behind in favor of greater depth. In time everyone lies; 6 feet under. Time has not been kind to me. I live because I know i'm going to die; and I know when. Perhaps this helps me feel alienated; they don't know what it's like to be this ill; to have such a wish to lie still. I covet the bullet; proverbial so. Metaphorically I am already dead; From the inside out. My heart does not beat for me any longer; It merely beats for her. She's the only thing that makes me feel real.

The screaming in my head never ceases; the whispers to my ears from the outside deafened by the noise. I search for the speaker and no-one is near as always. Just the same shadow dog that has followed me all these years. I hear it breathing; walking; following. Never has it come too close. I used to be afraid but it only follows me at night. On long walks through the quiet streets. There is nowhere left for me. A lost fragment of memory; I search for solace in music. Though I have never found something that touched me deeply enough to leave an impression; just fragments of songs as they bounce between the screaming and flashbacks of memory. Somewhere in there I know I remain. The fragment further shattered by the growing list of losses. Their faces pass before my eyes. Their memories tainted at the edges as they blur in and out of focus; places we used to roam. I am far from home. But this is where I live.

The panic in my thoughts; I tried to open up; to tell anyone what was bouncing in my head; and it merely made her sad. I never speak that of which I think for these things hurt more than silence. Silence is my forte. My voice does not always venture outside the mind. Somedays I think I say; what words did not appear from my hand to my mouth. Tripping over words as they try to make a proper sentence; but even that is unreal. I don't know what to feel. Besides lost and alone.

So i'll just let my eyes fall out of focus and slip back into dreams; because I'm never alone in my dreams. I'm only safe when i'm not me.