Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

Well it's official.... my mood has dropped. I'm having trouble speaking, I'm curling up on my bed with a teddy bear, staring at the ground and I keep bursting into tears. I realise that this is probably just environmental in nature as I've had quite a lot happening (having my best friend move in while we were in Brisbane the first time, having her two kids living here one week in two, having to head down to Brisbane so soon after the last trip, having to find my way around Brisbane - a city I'm not used to - by myself, the temperature difference when I arrived back home, the trip home, being sick, uni starting back and the situation between my fiance and my best friend to name a few) but that little part of my mind is telling me that this is going to mean a trip back down south for more ECT. I realise that this is not fully rational but I guess my hopes that I wouldn't have problems for 6 to 12 months make me distressed when I feel myself slipping.

My fiance noticed that I was slipping about five days ago, and to be honest, so did I. I kept telling myself that it wasn't happening and that everything was perfect but I also knew that wouldn't work for long. I think that one of the final straws was my recent interaction with my (now previous) mobile network provider. I spoke to several of the companies workers from various departments and very few were helpful. I had one of the employees hang up on me, whilst another one downright lied to me and it was obvious that he didn't believe a word that I said. I'm not sure if it was because I am female or whether he knows absolutely nothing about networking but to be honest, I think it was both. In the end they were basically forced to cancel my contract eight months early but I'll spare you the details.

I'm in week two of the uni semester and so far am managing to stay ahead of the work. For one of my subjects I really wish that they were able to record the lectures from another campus as the lecturer in the available video is ... horrible. For one thing he says "ah" and "um" so frequently that I've been tempted to borrow counting equipment from my future mother-in-law in order to keep a record of how often he says that - my bet would be that it's well over 300 in a two hour lecture. In fact, the only time he doesn't say "ah" and "um" is when he is talking about himself. The other thing that makes me dread his lectures is that he took an entire hour to talk about the unit outline which, with not starting for ten minutes and taking a ten minute break at the hour mark, meant that he covered about 15 slides out of 50+. He is intending to spend 15 minutes at the beginning of this weeks lecture to cover 40-odd slides. Personally, I can't see it happening.

So far I'm fairly up-to-date with my uni work, and for my programming subject I don't have much to do at all in order to be ahead. I've already completed my lab work, before the lecture that covered it had occurred, and have only to finish reading through the weeks study guide. Both of my first assignments are due in week four - so roughly two weeks time - and I'm only really concerned about one of them. There is a massive amount of assessment for both of the subjects I'm attempting this semester with six assignments for one, and seven for the other- and that doesn't include the exams which are worth 60% of the final mark.

Even considering that I'm ahead on my uni work, my mobile phone issue is practically solved with my new mobile arriving this week, my glasses should be ready to pick up soon, my fiance agreeing to stop flirting with my best friend, not having to drive my best friend around everywhere because she has her car back and not having to frequently deal with her kids my mood is still low and dropping. I see my psychiatrist this week (for the first time in quite awhile) and part of me doesn't even want to go. In reality all I really want to do is curl up on the bed with a stuffed toy and just wait for death to come. I am trying to force myself to do thing - especially study - but I'm finding it so hard to do the "simple" things like having a shower more than once a week and changing my clothes.

All I can say right now is: please let this pass and please don't mean that I have to return to hospital so soon. I'd give anything to feel "okay" again. *sigh*

[Doikers]

*Hugs My Sister*
I will be rooting for you hun , Rooting HARD <3

[Kahlia1981]

Mark: Thanks big brother.

Well my mood hasn't really improved. I had to wake my fiancee up last night because I was not able to trust myself not to OD on ... pretty much everything we have in the medication drawer. I thought I was fine until I was lying in bed with the lights off and had nothing to distract me. Right at that point I also realised that I don't really have anyone that I can call when I'm severely low and/or suicidal. There's noone in my family I can ring, and none of my local friends are possible either.

I made it through the night (obviously) but my fiancee had to delve into the medication drawer and give me 2mg of Xanax. He also sat with me until I had calmed down - although he did keep falling asleep on me. I told him that he could go back to bed and I'd just stay sitting on the couch, but he was prepared to sit with me all night if that was what was required. I felt so bad for waking him up... I knew especially that he needed his sleep last night because today and tomorrow he has been and will be moving furniture and other such things for most of the day. I kept apologising to him for waking him up. I still feel bad for it, despite him telling me time and again that he would rather stay up all night, or get woken several times a night, than wake to find me dead. Right now I guess that I don't/didn't feel that there was enough reason to wake him up. *shrug*

My chest infection appears to be getting worse instead of better and I'm almost finished the first course. This afternoon my fiancee nearly sent me to hospital because of both the wheezing and the trouble breathing. I'm kind of glad that he didn't but we're both keeping an eye on both the breathing issues and the cough (which is getting worse every day). There has to be a way to "cure" this infection, and to stop it turning into pneumonia once again. Personally, I think I could do with pneumonia this year... there's enough stuff for me to contend with already.

Today I got my arse into gear and did some major work on my studies for the week. One of my subjects gave us a tutorial of 167 pages that was ... not easy to follow to say the least. It took me quite some time to do, so I don't think the on-campus students would have been able to complete it in the 2 hours tutorial time... That one seriously would have required an hour or two of individual study time. I've also done my readings and downloaded my lecture videos ready to watch over the weekend. At least my first assignment for one subject has been started and neither subject's first assignment is due for two weeks. I still have to work myself quite hard and see how much I can achieve though.

My glasses have arrived but they only told me when they rang to say that the glasses were ready for collection that the frames I had chosen for my sunglasses were out of stock and wouldn't be back in stock for quite some time. I went in and picked a new pair but I asked why they couldn't tell me sooner because the supplier would have known they weren't in stock the second the order was placed. Apparantly the manager of the store has made complaints to the suppliers because they keep allowing this situation to occur. Thankfully though my normal glasses are good. It's amazing how the world looks when you can really see it.

Now to have a nice cup of tea, relax and try not to get too caught up in what my head is trying to tell me. Maybe even a Xanax before I try to go to sleep to ward off nighttime suicidality... I guess we'll see.

[crazykat]

I'm sorry your struggling so much but it is great that your partner is supportive of you. Well done for doing uni work despite how you have been feeling. I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thank you for your support and the reminder that I can keep going through both physical illness/injury and environmental depression and am managing to keep up with uni and life.

I'm currently sitting here with the after-effects of a dislocated toe (gained from slipping on my feet while cleaning the toilet and catching it between the door and the wall), two sore arms and plenty of muscular aches after cleaning the two smallest rooms of the house. However; I'm still looking positively towards my uni studies with one assignment complete (and submitted), another half-way done and I am beginning the third which was released today. I'm doing well and approaching my 4 year SI free milestone/anniversary which we are celebrating with a BBQ, yet... I keep finding myself thinking negatively and planning a suicide attempt. I don't know why. I mean... I know that I presently am being affected by environmental depression due to the stresses I'm under, but I don't know/understand why I keep feeling like there is no other alternative to dying after reaching my milestone. Maybe it's because I never expected to reach this point, or maybe I just can't handle being "normal" or "happy". I don't know.... I don't even know if knowing would be beneficial or would make things worse. *sigh* I don't even know if that makes sense.

I'm trying to tell the negative thoughts to go away (or piss off...), and I'm trying to keep my fiance in the loop (even if I have to text or email him what is going on in my head because I can't say it out loud) so that he can act if he thinks it's at all necessary. I'm starting to take Xanax or Diaz before I head to bed because its worse at night when I don't have anything to distract me - as you would expect. I'm trying to keep things in control and to act before it gets too bad. Try is all I can do I guess, plus remind myself of what I've been through to get to this point, and that I can make it.

I just wish there was an easy answer.

[Kahlia1981]

I saw my shoulder surgeon today. He told me that he has one last chance to go in and fix the problem arthroscopically (keyhole surgery) and that if that fails we'll have to move to something quite a bit more major - and from what I've heard, extremely unpleasant. He manipulated my shoulder after I demonstrated my shoulder subluxing/clunking and the look on his face gave away the fact that he couldn't understand how the shoulder was showing multi-directional instability so close to my last surgery.

He outlined the options for us and is ... semi-hopeful that the keyhole surgery will work. Plan B does not sound so ... appealing. Plan B basically means a major operation where they remove part of my pelvis and bolt it into my shoulder to stop it from getting out of the socket. Not something I'm looking forward to... the idea itself scares the heck out of me. I am really hoping that it doesn't get that far, for every reason under the sun but especially the pain, lack of movement, recovery and rehabilitation time and the risk of infection in both the pelvis and the shoulder.

On the positive side, we did get taken straight in to see the surgeon without having to face a registrar. Normally I don't have a problem with registrars but the last time I went to see the surgeon the registrar treated me like crap as I had a mental illness. He told me I needed physiotherapy and that was all and the head surgeon said he needed to operate less than 5 minutes later. All smooth sailing on that front this time though.

We walked up to the hospital from a friends place and it only took us about 20 minutes, even with me walking much slower than usual. The only problem I had there was that I was unable to wear my sneakers/walking shoes because I still can't handle a shoe on the foot with the recently dislocated toe. I made it there in one piece, but by the time we were ready to head home I couldn't handle having the shoes I was wearing on my other foot as it was covered in blisters.

Whilst we were at the hospital we inquired how we needed to talk to about letters coming from the hospital (through their magical letter folding, collating and sticking machine) without even an attempt at being sealed. We've been given a form to fill in and return and I'm intending to return it on the 12th of September when I next have to go to the hospital. The only reason I'm so upset about the envelope not even having been attempted to be sealed is that the personal information contained within that letter is enough for someone to "steal" my identity. Not good at all.

I'm so stressed at the moment, even though we didn't really do anything today, because I was unsure what response I was going to get from the surgeon, and what I did get was really a case of "here's the good, there's the bad". At least there is a plan B I suppose.... I really hope it never gets to that point though.... Eek

[Pomegranate]

Wow, sounds like you have been busy! I'm glad they are going to try the key hole surgery again. Hopefully that will work, but you're right, as scary as Plan B sounds, at lease there is a Plan B should the worst happen. Try and be a little gentle and easy with yourself today. You've been through a pretty stressful day by anyone's standards and you also havent been out of hospital all that long. Thinking of you Kahlia xx

[Kahlia1981]

Emma: Yes, things have been extremely busy here. I am glad that I got a couple of weeks without uni after coming back from Brisbane. The other good thing was that our house guests (my friend and her two kids) had moved out by the time I got back so the house wasn't overcrowded and both my fiancee and I could just have some time to ourselves. Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

I slept yesterday afternoon after getting back from the hospital. My fiancee recognised that I had been keyed up pretty bad, and he himself wasn't far behind me. We spoke about the meeting with the doctor and a) what it means for me/us, and b) what I need to organise prior to February. There are quite a lot of things that have to be set in motion, and we even discussed me going back to hospital in Brisbane for a short course of ECT prior to the surgery as I won't be able to have it for at least 3 months after the surgery.

Today I finished watching the lecture that I'd tried to watch at the hospital whilst waiting for the doctor. Then I turned my attention to my less favourite subject and finished the assignment (with just over a week to spare). I'm going to do the finishing touches tomorrow and will submit it as soon as I'm able to. The next assessment I have is a practical for programming, and I've already begun it. It's due one week from Sunday but I don't think it will take me that long.

For one of my subjects we have been told that we "must post at least twice a week on the discussion board" and that we would be chased if this didn't happen. Whilst I do know that the lecturers have the ability to track the number of posts we make (both overall and per week) they can't be chasing too hard. With the subject being offered at 4 different campuses plus having OCL (Off Campus Learning) students there should be a massive number of posts being added each week, but there isn't. There is, quite literally, only a handful of posts of which 12 are mine.... Hmmmm...

My shoulder isn't too happy right at the moment. I'm not sure if that's because the doctor put it through its paces yesterday, or whether it's just generally unhappy. I've got it in the sling and have just released it to type. I both love and hate the sling... I love the fact that it takes pressure off my shoulder by forcing my arm to sit up and supporting it in that position. On the other hand, it's so difficult to do anything that requires either 2 hands or my dominant hand, and the part that travels over my other shoulder and then downwards puts pressure on the hypersensitive nerve in my neck, making me feel like I'm choking. Needs must I guess.

Now I need a rest. *sigh*

[Kahlia1981]

It has been an interesting few days...

On Wednesday evening I was in absolute agony in my shoulder so we threw all the pain killers that we had in the house at it over a period of several hours. I also wasn't feeling too well - mood wise - so we were also giving me quite a large amount of sedatives to try and bring me back to some semblance of normality. In the end we didn't head to bed until after 02:30 and did so with the aid of both sleepers and sedatives.

Thursday morning I awoke at approximately 07:00 to find that my fiancee had been unable to sleep and had used the night to do several loads of laundry, the remaining dishes and had even driven into town at about 06:00 to buy us some more coffee beans as we were expecting a friend over later on. I crashed back into bed again and woke up just before 11:00 and was still having trouble staying awake but I walked into the lounge room and our friend was over but my fiancee was asleep on the lounge. We apologised to her for our not being able to stay awake and arranged to have coffee yesterday instead. After that I went back to bed and slept until late afternoon/early evening.

Funnily enough, both my fiancee and I managed to get to sleep again on Thursday night, albeit with the assistance of both sedatives and sleepers. My mood had also dropped again that evening to the point where I was unable to talk. The sleep did do us good though, and when our friend came over the following day we were both wide awake and ready to face the day. Whilst she was here we had a special morning tea - special because we were celebrating the fact that her soon-to-be-ex-husband had left on a plane at 04:00 to head to WA, hopefully never to be seen or heard from again. We had lattes and a slice of pavlova as our way of celebrating, using the beans my fiancee had bought the day before.

Whilst our friend was here she brought up some bad habits that her 9 year old son has picked up. He continuously locks his door - which only locks from the inside and requires a butter knife to be unlocked from the outside, she keeps finding steak knives in his room, he won't allow her to see what is on his computer and has put a password on it (we're unsure at this point whether he has worked out how to attach his computer to the network for internet access) and nearly stabbed one of the neighbour's children with a sharp kitchen knife.

The good news is that he isn't using the knives to attack himself as there are no scars or other signs anywhere on his body. My fiancee and I walked down to a security parts store and bought our friend a strong box to place all her knives, scissors and other potentially dangerous objects in. We went over there for dinner last night and placed what we could in the strong box which requires a key to access the contents. We also removed the door handle from his room and are intending to buy him another handle that is completely unable to be locked. In addition, we are going to replace the door locking mechanism (or just the handle depending on cost) on his mother's room so that she is able to lock it with a key and is able to store the strong box, and any other items the kids shouldn't have access to, safely locked away. We're also going to ensure that no-one can climb in through our friend's bedroom window, and that her son can't escape out his bedroom window should he be so inclined. His school bad is going to be checked regularly to see if he has picked up a stanley knife or some such object.

After the kids went to bed last night the three of us adults stayed outside and had a chat about the options our friend has to help her to get her son back and to help him to cope. We suggested that she force the issue with her GP and try to get her son to see a child psychologist. Both of her kids have been through quite a lot already in their lives, and it's not really surprising that they are having problems. I don't normally advocate child psychologists but in his case he really needs to have someone to talk to about what he has been through and what is going on so that he can learn some appropriate coping skills to get him through life. The suggestion that he be taken from the school he is currently in and be enrolled in a private school even came up, simply because they tend to be equipped with psychologists etc.

It was approximately 01:00 when we finally left our friends place and we both decided that we weren't quite ready for bed yet. We dropped home all the tools and equipment that we had taken with us to complete the jobs we were trying to do, and decided to head into town. Even though it was fairly quiet at the club where we were we had a brilliant time. It wasn't that we were drinking because neither my fiancee nor I drink, but the music and the atmosphere - the whole "lets dance the night away" thing - really made it worth while.

Unfortunately, as we didn't arrive home until about 04:00 and we sat outside to have a couple of cups of tea, my mood dropped again. I'd had both pain killers and sedatives throughout the night and managed to crash out without too many problems. I did sleep the day away today though. I got up at 10:00 and had my morning medications and then crashed out again. What I did also find was that I was in absolute agony once again, this time the worst part was on my side and it made it almost impossible for me to get comfortable and was worse whenever I took a breath. I was lying there at one point crying my eyes out because there was nothing I could do, and nothing else I could take, that would help with the pain.

Thank god I'm ahead with my uni work or this week would have really stuffed me up. Lets hope it settles down from here...

[Kahlia1981]

I managed to stay awake for most of today, only having an hour long nap this afternoon. That was quite impressive considering that neither my fiancee nor I got any sleep at all last night. We both took sleepers, and high levels of them, but we just couldn't get to sleep. All we did last night was a few loads of laundry and some online reading. This morning we decided to treat ourselves with breakfast at McDonalds... something that never usually happens, and then got into the day.

I decided this morning that I was going to start an exercise regime beginning with walking the block of about 2-3km. I got myself all ready to go as my fiancee was preparing himself to go get something from the hardware store and head out to our friend's place to replace the door handles and headed off after I hang the load of bed sheets and so forth. It took me 25 minutes this morning to complete the walk, which I didn't think was bad for my first attempt. I'm going to try and do this walk once a day for a few weeks to help me build up stamina and get into a routine, and then I'm going to look at my options for either extending the walk, adding in some jogging with the aim to be able to run the distance as I become more fit, or even just initially walking the block twice in a day.

The walk was quite enjoyable in a lot of ways. I did have an iPod shuffle plugged into my ears so that I had some music to focus on instead of the distance, and the biggest issue I had was that my keys kept jangling in my pocket. My fiancee and I have been talking tonight about getting me an army belt that will allow me to take my phone, my keys and even my wallet but mean that I won't have the noises from my "accessories" no matter whether I'm walking, jogging or running.

After getting home I basically tried to replace some of my fluids, had a shower and changed and then got stuck into my uni work. I had to scan in a copy of a Project Management bar chart which had been a real pain to draw as there was no demonstration of how to draw it in the recorded lectures - the only part of the subject I have access to - and I had to do quite a lot of research online. Then I had to write a description of the steps I had to take to create the appropriate Project file. It took me a while to do this, simply because every step along the way to creating the file had several components that needed to be put into place first. I'm quite happy with the results of what I wrote, however; and have submitted my assignment with about a week to spare.

Initially I was going to watch last week's lecture for my programming subject and do a bit more work on the next assessable lab, but I decided that I would take it easy for the rest of the day as I was having trouble once again with pain in my shoulder, my side, my chest, my neck and my back. Once again I threw every pain killer that I had access to at the pain and, once again, it didn't really get me anywhere. I lay down to have a rest and found that it didn't matter what position I was trying to be in, the pain was unbearable. We've covered me with Tiger Balm oil on all the sore spots that could possibly be muscular and I've been keeping my pain killer intake to the lowest I am able to with still a chance of working.

Tomorrow I get myself back into the habits required for me to succeed at my study and I think I should be able to get myself not only back on track, but back ahead of what is being asked of me. I've also put my uni textbooks and lecture videos onto my phone so that I am able to study when I am expecting to have a long wait somewhere and am unable to carry both my laptop and my textbooks around with me.

All in all things are okay and I'm still remaining hopeful, even with my mood still crashing out at night. Maybe all I need is just a little time. It's probably helping as well that my 4 year SI free milestone is now less than a week away. I'm looking forward to the celebration and trying to plan what I want to do on that day.

One step at a time I guess.

[StardustedSky]

Hi kahlia,

I have been following your story and have to say you are doing so well and stay strong. I broke my back in a bad accident 3 years ago and went from competing for my country in synchronised swimming and a successful career in London to months of hospitals, hospital appointments, physios, psych's and so on so I can really feel your pain.

I am really struggling to try and build my life again and establish who I am without my past and it's nice to hear from someone who has made such positive steps forward. I can totally sympathise with the feelings your having dispite positives, I think my problem is being actually able to recognise them as achievements as I still morn for the life that I had.

Anyway I'm off topic, have you tried making like 'walls of pillows' to support your body when you lie? It sounds really daft but the only way I can ever get any sleep is to roll up 2 duvets and place them either side of me which then curl under my knees. On top of this I use pillows under my knees and back so you are a bit like a 'W' shape. It sounds random but iv found it helps ease the pain at least a little when nothing else will work. What works best for you hot or cold? Fer me if it's pain pain it's cold but if it's like a siatic hot is best, I often get bothered with siatic pain at night and I found an electric blanket has helped too if that's of any use to you?

Also see if you can get some of your text books as audio books aswell, I swore by this to get me through my final year (which I went into straight from hospital) I couldn't get it for all my books but my family rallied round and would record themselves reading chapters to help. I found it really good to listen to if I was at the hospital, couldn't sleep or even when the pain was too much I couldn't concentrate on reading.

Anyway I'm always here if you want to talk, stay strong

Xx

[Kahlia1981]

StardustedSky: Thank you for your comment and for sharing part of your story with me. Recognising that we have made steps forward when we have strong memories of our "successful" pasts is never easy and takes time, but I'd like to ask you to be as kind to yourself as you can. Rebuilding our lives is hard enough, but when you are required to discover who you are now, after years of having a solid idea of your identity given by your achievements, is extremely difficult and painful. You will get through it if you don't give up, both on yourself and on life, though I am fully aware that is easier to say than to do. Thanks also for your suggestions regarding the pain. I had not tried using pillows as described, but it sounds like something I should give a try. Generally, if it's muscular aches and pains I prefer hot, but when my shoulder is subluxed or my spinal pain is bad I prefer cold. I'm looking into whether I can get my text books as audio books, I have put a pdf of one of my texts onto my phone so that I can read it no matter where I am, and am finding that quite helpful too. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and I hope that you are able to move forward. *hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Sorry for the tone of this post, the length, and for some of the details within, I just need to talk to someone about this - outside of my immediate circle, if that makes sense.

On Tuesday I went to the GP because of the pain that I was in, and while there I coughed and produced streaks of blood in my sputum. The GP saw it and noted it but wasn't too concerned, at that point. However; I went from streaks of blood to the majority of my sputum being blood by that afternoon. My fiancee rang the nurse-healthcare line for our private health insurance and I spoke to a nurse there who said that I should see my GP because I'm on the pill and smoke, which she said could cause blood clots in the lungs. We just kept an eye on it until the following morning as my GP had finished for the day and I didn't wish to see a GP I didn't know. Wednesday morning the amount of blood I was coughing up increased and my fiancee rang 13-Health - a government funded health advice line - and they advised us to go to the hospital. So, up we went with me in an ambulance to try and get through the triage process, and carrying some tissues covered with samples for the doctors up there.

The ambulance trip was unpleasant.... One of the ambulance paramedics was very young and obviously fresh out of the academy. He gave me a nice lecture on smoking and I ended up pulling the oxygen mask off and telling him that I have been advised by three specialists that right now is not the time to quit (due to my mental state and the stress that would cause). It got worse at the hospital, as the triage nurse ignored everything the ambulance officers said to her. We ended up sitting there for more than four hours and in the whole time they did absolutely nothing. Because we got nowhere at the hospital we went back to the GP as an emergency walk-in. He was extremely concerned and ordered a chest x-ray, bloods and sputum tests, and ordered us to get the x-ray done that day and come and see him this morning. He read the x-ray off the scans this morning because the report hadn't been done yet and my right lung is "hazy" and there are three spots that are "abnormalities". On the whole though the lungs are both good and there isn't anything like fluid in the lungs.

One thing the GP is checking me for is TB (tuberculosis) because I've spent time in hospitals in both Cairns and Brisbane, surrounded by a lot of people who could have come in with anything that we wouldn't know about. He said that he wasn't trying to scare me, but wanted me to be aware of what he was doing. He also said that he would rather be wrong - something which provides me with confidence in him following this through to the bitter end. Not to mention that he already has put me on a double course of two antibiotics and is prepared to refer me to a specialist at the hospital should that be required. While neither my fiancee nor I usually approve of antibiotics being used when there isn't strong evidence of a bacterial infection, we appreciate that the GP is attempting to ensure that there is no possibility of one occurring in this case.

I'm a lot better, mentally, today than yesterday as both my fiancee and I were doing our "worst possible events" mental circles. We also hit breaking point yesterday with all the stress that is going on, didn't sleep well and were terrified walking in to the GPs room this morning. My mother, for the first time ever, seemed to finally understand last night why or how someone could feel like they'd just had enough of life and all the crap that came with it, and just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I am lucky to have the support that I have, including here on RYL. Right now I could do with some sleep...

[Kahlia1981]

Well today is my 4 year SI free milestone. I'm happy that I've made it this far, and proud of myself for doing so. We'd organised to share this day with a good friend and my family, but during the week we learned that my father was going to be in Cardwell (2.5 hours north) for a car rally. He's a ham radio operator and is assisting with the communications for the event. My mother didn't know that he'd booked himself to be up there (or for that matter that he had booked himself to provide communications for a horse endurance race last weekend) until early this week. My brother did make it out there, but his kids were with their mum. Realistically, the only people who understood the significance of today that were there were me, my fiancee, my friend and my mother. My mother even bought me a present for making my anniversary.

Now I just have to stop myself from planning a suicide attempt, or from following through on one. I think that if I can get this far SI free, I should be able to get through the night...

[The Stolen One]

Well done :)
You can definitely get through the night, 4 years proves how strong you are.

[StardustedSky]

Hey kahlia,

First of WELL DONE for reaching your milestone that's a big achievement even if lots of people didn't recognise it it seems that the most important people did. You have been under so much pressure with that health scare so to stay strong like you have is a big achievement.

Any movement on the tb issue? My neighbour had tb when she was a child and has scars on her lungs. A few years back she had something very similar to what happened to yourself happen with her. It turned out one of the scars had burst or something so she was kept and eye on and given loads of antibiotics but she did recover but I think it is something which she has to be careful with.

NEVER appologies for a long post sometimes you need to talk to people who are in a similar situation as ultimately I think unless you have been through a similar situation it's very hard to understand properly. Plus that's what we are here for

It's so hard to judge things with hospitals iv been to some and they've been fine and I have taken into others and they have stood and lectured not only me but also my fiancé for 'letting me do that to myself' whether I am there for SI or not! Iv found the same with gps so I totally understand wanting to see one you know as ones who 'come in blind' as it were are often quick to make judgements.

How is your mum and fiancé coping with everything, I know that since my problems have escalated and it's rippled through my life my mum has understood my frustrations a lot better but my fiancé has always been brought up to 'be a man' so basically show no emotion and it causes conflict as a result.

Always here if you need to chat.

[Kahlia1981]

Caz: Thank you so much. :) I would never have reached this point without the support I've received from people on RYL.

StardustedSky:
Thanks. :) It's very true that the most important people recognised the significance of yesterday, but those who did realised how difficult it was for me to reach this point. On the TB front, I see my GP on Tuesday, by which time he should have results from the x-ray, bloods and initial (if not yet any of the others) sputum. I was given the TB vaccine when I was at school, but as we all know the effectiveness fades over time. I am very sorry to hear that you have had similar situations with some hospitals and GPs. The main reason, I guess, that I didn't want to see another GP is that mine knows my whole story and is able to make decisions (and judgements if necessary) with all the prior knowledge being a part.

My mother comes across as emotionless the majority of the time, something she picked up while working as a Speech Pathologist in several special schools and the education system in general. I was really surprised when she volunteered her place for a BBQ to celebrate my 4 years, and even more surprised when she bought me a present. I know that she has understood the difficulty of me trying to quit SI, but I think that the current health scare has helped her to understand some of the frustrations - particularly relating to the hospital situation. My fiancee, who has a mental illness of his own and previously quit addictive substances, has been there from day 1, and is probably the person who is most able to understand my frustrations. From the day I chose to quit SI he has been supportive, even to the point of offering me the option to wake him if I needed someone to talk to no matter what time. Considering that we weren't even dating at that stage the offer showed me that he recognised that the journey I had started was not going to be easy. He's extremely concerned about the current health situation, and is not afraid to show me his fear. I really appreciate the support and understanding that he offers me.

[StardustedSky]

Hi kahlia,

How did things go at the docs today? Good news I hope. I can totally sympathise about the whole gp front we moved last year and I was forced to register with a new gp I am now slowly working my way through all of the doctors at my new practice to try and find one I like and feel I can trust.

It sounds like your mum is coming round to things now which is awesome I still struggle with SI and a recent hospital admission ment that my mum saw all my scars. She has found it really hard, as does anyone who loves you but I do think parents get hit that bit harder. My mum says she understands but at the same time she seems determined to wrap me in bubble wrap and stop the world from getting too me as she knows I find it too much. Which is hard because I would love to live in 'my little box' as I put it but this only feeds my insecurities and problems and resentment of the life which I can no longer have so it's a difficult balance to find. I hope that one day she is able to be a bit more like your mum and understand things are hard but that I have to face them although I will need all the support she can give to do so.

It sounds like you have an amazing fiancée (I have to admit I'm a little jelous) my fiancée is so good about getting up and calming me down if I am having a bad night but he is always determined to see the 'everything will be fine' route which is just something I cannot believe in considering how much has changed since the accident. You are really lucky to have a fiancée that not only you can open up to but who will also open up to you. With his mental health stuff he must also have a better understanding of what your going through and how hard things can be. I think even though not everyone reconsider your milestone the 2 people that have probably really helped you get there and understand how hard it's been have and that's something positive to hang onto :)

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that it's good news from the doctor. Are you still coughing up blood? It must be so scary, by heart goes out to you. Stay stong

Stardust x

[Kahlia1981]

Stardust:

I'll write a separate post later regarding the full doctor situation, as well as other things, so please forgive me for not addressing everything from your post. In terms of your own struggles with finding an appropriate GP, I seriously hope that you are making some headway in finding one that you are able to trust, and like.

I agree, parents can have quite a bit of trouble with the thought and realisation that a child of theirs self harms. I can also relate to having my mother trying to "protect" me the real world. I particularly think that parents have that disturbing inner thought that they should have seen it happening/coming and feel that they've let us down by not always being there to protect us.

My fiancée is brilliant. At times he does tell me that I'm "over-thinking" of "stressing myself too much", but at the same time he recognises that I wouldn't be me, and at this point in life, if at least some of that introspection occurred. I do still have trouble occasionally where I find it hard to trust him with my innermost thoughts, mainly due to the large number of people who have run away as soon as they get a glimpse of the "inner me".

Thank you very much for your well wishes. I apologise for taking so long to respond, but things have been exceptionally busy with uni work and the like.

Thanks again

[StardustedSky]

Kahlia I would definitely agree with the parent issue since our crash my mum has always said she has wanted to just wave a wand and make it all go away which I have to admit I find frustrating as I don't find comments like that very helpful. However she is one of 2 people (the other being my fiancée) that I can fully confide in however I am beginning to see the strain really take its hold on her which makes it very difficult.

I have probably leaned on her more as my fiancée already cares for me and has a lot on his plate with his own health issues (he had a turmor last year and had it removed but its back and requires surgery again) but seeing her beginning to crumble makes me terrified to confide in her anymore incase it pulls her down further but it also makes me even more reluctant to lean anymore than what I do on my fiancée as he already handles so much I feel guilty adding more to his already full plate :s

Hope our feeling a little better, hugs xxx