Life, please... no more - Page 48

Kahlia1981 · 25-05-2012, 11:07 AM

@Kat: Thanks hun. Not meaning to be mean, but my fiance and I can't wait until the house is "ours" again. We aren't going to kick our friend out on the street, even if she had the kids full-time, but we miss being able to have our own space. I'm really hoping that the Clubhouse project does end up being positive, not just for me but also for the wider community by beginning to erode some of the stigma.

@Millie: Thank you firstly for taking the time to read the entire thread - it's been a long time in the writing, but also thank you for leaving me such a positive comment. Nobody's journey is "easy" despite us all wishing it was.

Our neighbours have just arrived home with their newborn bub, born on Thursday. We went to congratulate them (and take a look at the baby - note we are both getting clucky right now...) and tomorrow morning we'll drop over a congratulatory card. She's absolute gorgeous.

Well today saw my 3 year 9 month (or 45 month depending on how you prefer to count) milestone. Now all I have to do is wait until we have enough money to begin removing my scars. Although I will be honest and say that I want to leave at least one behind to remind me of where I have been in this life. I'm just so glad that there are people out there who are sharing this journey with me because it's been amazing.

I had Clubhouse set up training on Monday and Tuesday this week. It was two extremely full days with very late nights from Sunday onwards. The good news was that all meals etc. were paid for by one of the organisations I went down with - the one who asked me to go in fact. Apart from the training it was amazing to see how the Clubhouse worked. It makes me more excited about getting a Clubhouse in my city and hopefully tearing down some of those walls that stigma builds.

On a more personal note... I'm heading back down to Brisbane. I've already been in touch with the Intake people, and am expecting to hear back on Monday. They were supposedly doing a "Private Health Fund check" yesterday, but I know that wouldn't have been a problem so I'm not sure why they didn't get back to me by the end of today... Beauracracy (sp?) I suppose.

I don't really want to go back down this soon, but I want to have the treatment over and done with before I go back to university in July. *sigh* Always conflicting thoughts and feelings when I'm talking about the hospital and ECT. One step at a time I suppose...

crazykat · 25-05-2012, 11:36 AM

It's not mean at all it can be very draining having people stay over especially for a prolonged period. Congrats on your nearly 4 year mark that is an amazing achievement keep up the great work. Glad to hear the clubhouse training went well, it sounds like a great organisation to be a part of. Good luck for heading down to Brisbane again. Thinking of you xxx

Kahlia1981 · 31-05-2012, 02:13 PM

@Kat: Thank you. I really appreciate your taking the time to respond and the well wishes.

I saw my GP today to complete the referral to the private hospital in Brisbane. He couldn't really understand why I didn't want to have ECT in my home town, but he also doesn't really understand my situation in relation to the public hospital here. In order for me to be able to have ECT here I would have to have the Director of the unit agree to the treatment, and that is never going to happen. Also, when I last had it here I lost 27 years of my life, and I lost absolutely nothing from the last lot in Brisbane. A sobering thought...

I had left the fax number for the hospital at home and tried to rouse either my friend or my fiance but were unable to until I had left the doctors surgery. This meant that I then had to pay $6.25 at Australia Post in order to fax the (two-page) document down. I have no idea where they get their pricing scheme from, but if they need to charge that much to cover the service where it should cost maybe $1.50, they need to change providers.

All morning I was chasing myself around town just ticking things off my to-do list. I even spent 90 minutes waiting at Centrelink - just to submit a form. They've decided that it is more efficient (or proper perhaps) to have two counters to register ever customer/client that comes in and then have them sit and wait for their turn. While this at least means you can sit down instead of standing for hours it also means that forms you used to be able to just hand across the desk now require you to sit in an indefinite holding pattern until they deem it's your turn. I hate to think what they will think up next.

My fiance made some calls to try and arrange my flights/rail tickets for the upcoming Brisbane trip but is waiting for the Patient Transport Office to get in touch so that they (supposedly) can take over and make all the arrangements. I'm not so sure that I trust them to actually do the job... We put our forms in for the Patient Transport Subsidy Scheme more than two months ago, and they didn't even bother to notify us until I rang a couple of weeks ago that the doctor in Brisbane hadn't responded. Then I had to ring Brisbane and the local hospital several times in order to try and arrange the transfer of forms. They still hadn't made any headway earlier this week - I'm not certain that they ever will.

Tonight I'm having some breathing issues - beginning with me not being able to stop coughing for 20 minutes. Now my chest hurts when I breathe and I'm getting shooting pains in my arms and numbness and tingling in my face. *sigh* My world is a little fuzzy, so I hope that what I'm writing actually does make sense. I half want to just lie down and go to sleep, but my breathing becomes more painful and difficult when I try. I think my body isn't liking the "cold". I don't even want to think about what Brisbane is going to be like.

For now I am just focusing on one thing at a time. The current step is to try and organise my trip to Brisbane, the next step is to organise my scholarship application - but a large part of that is already completed. I am returning to uni this coming semester and am already enrolled in my two subjects, and am hoping that I will be back up here in plenty of time for the start of semester (23rd July).

One step at a time...

crazykat · 02-06-2012, 03:05 AM

Wow that seems overpriced just to fax something, maybe next time try a newsagency. I hope the referral all goes through okay for you though. I'm with you on the new centrelink system, it's a pain. I hope the transport gets sorted for you soon and that your breathing issues settle down. Finally good luck for your scholarship application. Thinking of you xxx

Kahlia1981 · 03-06-2012, 04:00 PM

Thanks Kat. I'll definitely have to keep a newsagent in mind if I need to fax something again. We're trying to organise our printer/network to allow us to fax from home. Maybe one day...

I'm really struggling right now. I don't know what I'm doing or going to do. My head is not playing very nicely right at the moment. My mood has plummeted through the floor, and pretty much all that I can think of is my current suicide plan. I just don't know how I'm going to get through. I really just want out right now. Just some relief to make me feel better or something to stop the pain ever happening again.

*sigh*

crazykat · 13-06-2012, 10:57 AM

I don't have any advice but I do know what your going through. Feeling that low is hard. Have you spoken to your partner or psych about a safety plan? Basically things you can do that might help when your feeling that low. Hold on there hun xxx

Kahlia1981 · 14-06-2012, 03:11 PM

Well I'm now in hospital in Brisbane and undergoing my third ECT treatment in this lot in the morning. We are all hopeful that my mood will start to improve after tomorrow morning, as I've previously gotten some relief after the third treatment. I saw my in-hospital psych this evening, and he is quite happy with how things are going at this point. Of course, it is far to early for anyone to call what is going to happen right now, but we are all still being fairly positive that it will work out.

I'm finding it quite hard being this far away from my fiance. The last time I came down he was right here, so without him is even harder. I am really missing him terribly. I even dream about good and bad things happening to him whilst I'm away.... it doesn't make me miss him any less.

I had a phone call from the home hospital today telling me what my GP did wrong on the referral for my spinal problems. The chick on the phone was telling me that there were these criteria and that they have been in place for more than two years, considering my GP rang the hospital and they never rang him back I'm not sure what I believe. I just really hope that this all gets sorted out quickly when my fiance rings them - particularly as they should have rung him today, knowing I was in hospital over 1,000 miles away. Meh.

I have to go to bed as I have ECT in the morning and they get me out of bed bloody early to "bag and tag" me. Sleep, here I come...

Kahlia1981 · 30-06-2012, 02:57 PM

Well I am sitting in my hospital room in Brisbane having completed 9 of my planned 12 ECT treatments. I'm doing really quite well and can't wait to be heading home. I've had several meetings with my hospital psych and he's also quite happy with how things are going. We are seriously hoping that I will get at least 6 months out of the 12 treatments of ECT, so that I can complete my university semester before I need to return for more treatments.

I'm really missing my fiance at the moment... It's so much harder when he isn't here beside me, and there's quite a lot of ***** going down at the moment here in hospital. We have a guy who (if he had been any other patient) would have been asked to leave due to his behaviour, plus one of the hospital psychiatrists has been repeatedly falling asleep on one of his patients and is acting in a provocative manner... There are other patients that are constantly triggering other patients and some not very nice things happening.

There have been a lot of changes in this hospital here since I've arrived. For instance, we are now all supposed to wear the tag bracelet stating our name, address and so forth all the time (instead of just for ECT). The majority of us aren't wearing ours... The hours that the smoking area is opened, and where in the smoking courtyard we are able to smoke have also been changed. Thankfully it hasn't been raining full time over the last week or so - although it's still tending to rain more than it stays dry.

The most annoying thing about this place is the constant supply of chicken for our meals. Chicken or fish are about all our choices most of the time. You might think that you like chicken or fish, but when that is all you have to choose from all day long, every day, it becomes unbearable.

Although I'm doing fairly well in terms of my ECT treatment and the changes it has made for my depression, I'm now beginning to have severe trouble sleeping at night. The last few days I've been not falling asleep until 04:30 or 05:00 in the morning. This is becoming extremely frustrating, so I might have to speak to my in-hospital doctor early in the coming week about adding some "sleep meds".

I'm really missing my home and can't wait until I'm heading back there again. I miss my boy so much.... I just wish that he was here to lie down with me and to just be with me. *sigh* At least I talk to him several times a day.

risenfromperdition · 03-07-2012, 04:54 AM

thinking of you kahlia <3

Pomegranate · 07-07-2012, 10:56 PM

Thinking of you Kahlia

*lots of hugs and positive thoughts* I hope things continue to stabilise. I think you've been really brave xx 🐒

Kahlia1981 · 11-07-2012, 01:43 PM

I arrived home yesterday from my hospital trip to Brisbane for treatment with ECT. I saw my doctor on Monday morning and we were both quite happy with the results of the 12 ECT treatments. The doctor had made some alterations to the treatment settings and we are quiet confident of getting 6 months out of it. I am really enjoying being home, but am finding it a bit strange because I have gotten used to having 20+ people around most of the time and now it's just my fiance and me.

On a positive note things are all going fairly well, particularly as my fiance and I have our house back to ourselves and have fairly limited appointments so I can take the time to get used to things. On a not so positive note, I'm having trouble sleeping. It started the night before I left hospital and I didn't sleep too well the following night whilst on the train either. Hopefully that will start to settle down as well.

One step at a time, and things will start to fall into place...

Kahlia1981 · 21-07-2012, 03:38 PM

The sleep problem is getting worse and it's starting to have a major effect on my mood. I managed to get two nights of okay sleep after I got home but it (unfortunately) didn't last. I've been falling asleep in the early hours of the morning when I'm lucky but I've begun to notice that I'm unable to sleep if my fiance isn't here. The basic reasoning, as far as I can make sense of it, is that I'm terrified that I'm going to go to sleep and when I wake up my fiance will be nowhere to be found. Since he is also having sleeping trouble (well to be honest he attempts to stay up late in the hope that doing so stops him sleeping the whole day away.... I realise that doesn't make too much sense) and frequently crashes out on the couch. This complicates matters as I'm beginning to stay awake until the sun comes up simply because I can't sleep in the same room when he does so.

I don't know if any of that made any sense... My brain isn't functioning all that well because of the lack of sleep and I'm becoming extremely depressed and anxious. I find it doesn't take much for me to become irritated and/or angry, to start crying and wanting to die or to find it too difficult to be around people. I don't even know what I can do at this point. I can't convince my fiance that he has a better chance of waking at appropriate times if he goes to bed when he is tired instead of trying to stay awake all night, or that sleeping on the bed is probably going to result in better and more rested sleep than sleeping on the couch. I feel helpless here and am starting to think that there really is no reason to keep on living.

To be honest, I've also considered leaving my fiance, but I know that the current situation including the lack of sleep and my highly emotional state is having a large impact. I know that I'm not thinking as clearly as I could be, and I don't want to make a decision - particularly not a life-changing decision - while I'm not 100% in control. I just really hope that things start to settle down soon....

I'm sorry for writing this here, but I don't have anyone that I can even try to explain this to right here, right now. I'm scared I'm going to act on something this brings up and put myself back behind the 8-ball, particularly at the beginning of the university semester. *sigh* I hope this passes quickly.

crazykat · 21-07-2012, 09:51 PM

I hope things settle down for you soon, thinking of you xxx

Kahlia1981 · 22-07-2012, 04:14 PM

Heather: Sorry for the lateness of this reply, but I wanted to thank you for your well wishes whilst I was still in hospital. It really helped to know that I wasn't on my own, even though it felt that way as I was so far from my friends and family.

Emma: My apologies for not replying earlier, but thank you for your hugs, positive thoughts and support as my hospital stay was nearing it's end. *huggles* Knowing that I was not alone and that someone cared definitely helped me get through and stay (mostly) positive.

Kat: Thank you for your positive thoughts and the reminder that I'm not on my own, no matter how I feel at this particular point in time.

I went with my fiance to see a local organisations version of the musical Chicago on Saturday afternoon and then invited my parents to drop around afterwards for a coffee. My parents were the reason that we even got tickets, as they gave us the free tickets they received for assisting with the show. The show was ... okay, but I noticed that there were several lighting and sound cues that were not quite right. I also realised part way through that I kept glancing up when I thought that one of the follow-spots was on and was guessing what colour gel they had in. I guess that I've just done lighting for too many shows...

The auditorium would have been just over half full but the seats we were in meant that we had people all around us. Sadly this meant that I didn't really want to be around people after the show had finished. The reason this was so unfortunate is that my fiance and I had organised to take the friend who was living with us before I went to Brisbane out to a gay bar (because we don't like the machismo and aggro that the "normal" nightclubs have in this city) for a few drinks as she didn't have her kids that night. I ended up staying home alone whilst they went out but I wasn't particularly upset.

I've been trying to find a way to explain to my fiance what is currently going on in my head, but I can't seem to manage it. I presently can't even begin to broach the subject with him and I don't know if it's because I'm scared that I'll hurt him or perhaps make him anxious or something else. I don't like feeling this way and know that I have to take some sort of action as uni has basically started for the semester and I can't afford to let my lack of sleep and emotional reaction take control.

I guess that, one way or another, I have to act now to stop myself getting "worse". I just really hope that I can manage to find a way that works.

crazykat · 24-07-2012, 11:33 AM

No words, but am thinking of you xxx

Kahlia1981 · 25-07-2012, 02:39 PM

Kat: Thankyou for your comment. I really appreciate it.

Today is my 3 year, 11 month milestone. In some ways I can't believe that it's almost been 4 years on this journey. Even though my mood has not been all that great - especially lately - I'm still managing to walk the path and not give in to urges.

One of the biggest things that is affecting my mood at the moment is that my fiance keeps flirting with my best friend. If she rings us and asks us to help her out with something he will drop everything in order to do it, even if that involves completely screwing up our planned activities so that he can drive to the other side of town to collect her and then drive her all over town. He keeps calling her "hot pants" and "sexy" and is quite frequently sending her text messages and private messages on facebook. The other night he took her out to a club while I stayed at home and was telling her (apparently) that if she wasn't such a close friend he'd invite her in for a threesome.

I don't know if I'm just being too sensitive or whether there is really something to be worried about with this at the moment. My fiance has told me several times since I started referring to my best friend as his girlfriend that he a) can't stop flirting, b) flirts more with her because he "can't have her", c) that he would never sleep with her because she's such a close friend, and d) that he's unable to say no if someone asks him to do something. I'm not sure at the moment whether I believe him on any of those points or not.

The upshot of all this uncertainty and ... insecurity (I'm not sure of the right word) is that I'm questioning whether my fiance really wants to be with me or whether he'd like it if I "disappeared". I love him and have been through so much with him beside me as a major support so thinking that he'd rather be elsewhere really upsets me. Especially when I'm thinking that he'd prefer to be with my best friend. Maybe he would be better off without me...

Realistically I guess that the only way I'll find out for sure is by waiting to see what happens. I already know that if I ask him if he wants to dump me for my best friend he'll say no, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to... Meh.

My apologies for this long and drawn out post, I just don't know where else I can air my thoughts and feelings about this. *sigh*

crazykat · 26-07-2012, 03:26 AM

Congrats on making it that far you should be so proud of yourself darling. It shows just how strong you are, that despite everything that is going on you still continued to fight the urges. Have you spoken to your fiancée about his behaviour and how it bothers you? It really isn't fair that he is acting that way when you are supposed to be his fiancée.

Kahlia1981 · 29-07-2012, 03:12 PM

Kat: Thank you for your congratulations. I still can't believe that I'm so close to my 4 year milestone.I actually spoke to my fiance about my concerns less than 30 minutes after I posted.

I went outside not long after posting my last post and my fiance asked me what was wrong. Without knowing how to bring the subject up I told him that I was thinking about something. He asked what I was thinking about so I told him straight out that I was wondering if he would be happier if he was dating my best friend. Straight away he said he wouldn't, and listed several reasons including my personality, my intelligence, our having similar interests and so on. One of his reasons that he was convinced he would not be happier or better off was that he believed we did actually love each other and he even told me he was scared of me leaving.

Why I was thinking he'd be happier with my friend was his next question (as was to be expected) and I explained that his dropping everything at no notice to help her move furniture, babysit her kids when she has to go out, provide tech support and receives her phone calls and SMSs at any hour of day or night that she wants us to pick her up and drive her all over the town. As it really frustrates me when these requests occur when we have things planned such as going out to dinner for a special occassion such as my SI free milestone and he cancels it to help her out I told him in no uncertain terms.

Furthre I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with his flirting with her. Her constant SMSs to him telling him every detail that was happening in her life was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. After this he told me that he would no longer flirt with her - and to his credit he has not done so since. I don't think he has been as scared as he was the night when he proposed.

One thing he did was remind me of the agreement that we have in place, which basically states that if one of us were uncomfortable with the current situation that we would let the other party know so that we could take action before it became a massive issue.

Since we had this discussion he has stopped calling her "sexy names" and has put a lot more thought in to what he says to her in order to stop me feeling uncomfortable. I do have to admit though that, although he now calls her darl (not a term of endearment but what he calls most friends and family) he is still getting dozens of SMSs a day from her. To his credit, he now requires her to pay money towards fuel if we driver her around town, and has informed her that he'll only pick her up if we're already in the area.

Kahlia1981 · 29-07-2012, 03:27 PM

As an addendum:

We have spoken about the circumstances several times we have decided to write a list of tasks that we are not willing to do and a list of what we are prepared to do IF we have time. My fiane has agreed that he's becoming frustrated by being asked .... no, not even be asked, but being expected to do tasks such as moving furniture at the drop of a hat. He's also becoming annoyed that he gets the tech support calls, and like most of them, the "diagnostics" given by SMS or phone call are useless. As an example my best friend told my fiance that she needed a new monitor because her's wasn't working probperly. For diagnostic purposes this is completedly and totally useless.

I suppose I should be extremely grateful that he has stopped flirting with her and is beginning to set boundaries so that he/we don't end up babysitting because her child is "sick", being asked to fix her computer every 15 minutes when it dies or driving her around any time she wants. He is going to help her to move her stuff from storage into the house (which has no lease and is owned by her ex-husbands mother) after her ex-husband cleaned the unit out of his stuff today and leaving her a massive clean-up job in the meantime. At this point I need to state that I don't have a problem looking after the kids and even driving them to and from school occassionally (i.e. not every single school day). This friend was the one who moved into our house whilst we were in Brisbane for our three months trip much earlier in this year, and while she was living with us she didn't pay rent, internet, or the majority of the groceries from the day she moved in until the day she left. The children also made it harder when they were with their mum as our unit is only two bedroom and we had 3 adults and 2 kids.

I'm just glad to be honest that he appreciated my concerns and took a step backwards (particularly as he knew I wasn't taking a dig at him) but was feeling very insecure because I was so unwell. It was this being unwell and having to fight to keep each other alive, not to mention attempting to keep each other functioning - even if it wasn't all that pretty. Although I've pretty much removed the ability to alter the steps since then.

Kahlia1981 · 29-07-2012, 04:08 PM

As I'm coming up to my four year milestone mark, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for what we could do. I realise that a lot of you are NOT in Australia, so perhaps - a restaurant - instead of naming one in particular. My parents have already suggested a barbeque out at their place. I guess I'm just not sure.