Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks hun. *hugs* It's a real pain in the arse when unexpected or unplanned bills suddenly appear when you are only just holding onto financial and mental stability. Thanks for your good wishes. We can't wait for my fiance to start ... unfortunately we have to.

Laura: Thank you so much for popping in to my thread. I'm sorry that I haven't been around, things just conspire to make everyday things difficult at present. *huggles you*

Well today I went in guns blazing (not literally) to fight for my withdrawal without academic penalty to go through. They give themselves 28 business days, which is ridiculous in my books anyway, but it has been more than 10 days since that passed and I haven't heard a word from them. Today I resubmitted the form and informed them that they had until next Friday to give me an answer. I also emailed the complaints officer and spelt out the circumstances, the effects and the consequences. I even went as far to inform him that I am already in the process of taking the particular university to the Victorian Equal Opportunity and Human Rights commission and the Anti-Discrimination Board of Australia. I've completely and totally had enough of the bullshit, and I don't intend to sit here and take it indefinitely. I also informed the complaints officer that if I am unable to recieve my pensioner education supplement because of this that his and the provider university would be paying for my education as compensation. I realise it sounds a bit hardball but these guys have ****ed me around for the last time.

In a fortuitous turn of events today I have one days work (if you can call it that) on August 21. It's only supervising people doing music exams, but it is work that provides money so I can't really say no. Actually I'm kind of looking forward to it. My fiance is going to help me as best he can, and we'll get each other through.

I don't know if I mentioned it but on Monday night my fiance and I went to an information night for the Theatre Restaurant. I'm intending to be in it this year and spoke to the director while we were there. She knew me from previous TR's when I was doing the lighting. I began doing the lights when I was 12 years old and have had quite a lot of lighting experience including at the city's theatre. To be truthful I have been onstage singing, dancing and acting and backstage working with lights and sound quite regularly. I also used to be one of the orchestra members, but that ended when I got put on Risperidone and developed tardive dyskinesia. It's difficult to play a wind instrument when you have no control of your lip. The funniest thing was that the director was wondering aloud who could do the lights, and when I mentioned that my fiance wanted to help whereever he was able to she immediately asked if he could do lights. I told her that I could teach him and it was a case of: no problem, case closed, person found. It was kind of funny. :)

I would really love to be able to just sit down and do some study, but I think it isn't going to happen for quite some time. *sigh*

[crazykat]

Sounds like a pain with the uni stuff, I hope you get a good response back from them soon. The extra bit of work sounds good. Take care

[SoMuchMore]

*cuddles* no worries/need to apologize, hun. It sounds like things have been pretty intense/busy lately. I hope you get a response back from your uni soon. Seems like they are being rather ridiculous. Hope you enjoy doing the theatre stuff! That sounds like a good thing to take your mind off of some of the other stress right now.

[Kahlia1981]

I haven't been able to get onto RYL for quite a while now... Just too darn busy. I'm now in the middle of rehearsals for the Theatre Restaurant as well as doing study.

On the study front, I am now sitting pretty in week 8 and eagerly awaiting my mid-semester break at the end of next week. I have gotten through the worst two weeks so far (weeks 6 and 7) where I had 3 assignments (including a group assignment with a partner that was regularly in Perth) and 4 pieces of assessment, and I'm still standing. I have to admit that it was a close call, but with everything that is going on, and the fact I am still continuing to study, I think it's a plus.

When I last saw my pscyhiatrist we had a discussion on changing my medication regime, particularly when I raised with him that my fiance and I would like to have a child at some point before we are both too old. (Sounds weird to say that when only nudging 30!!) So the outcome was that two drugs were to go. The lamotrigine has now been completely removed, and in another two weeks (barring alternate instructions) I begin dropping the lithium. So far there has been absolutely no change in my overall mood state, although I did get a manic evening on September 2nd.

It's amazing though that I was dropping this drug throughout the stressful period and didn't really have that much effect at all on the mood state that was present. My fiance believes that the mood has improved, but he took an entire week of suicidality and severe depression off and trimmed the manic period - in other words he had about two days to go on, not a representative sample.

The only other real news at the moment is that I finally got my arse into gear to get my GP to request a blood test to check my TSH levels, and the results were subclinical hypothyroidism. So now I have begun a confusing regime with Thyroxine - 25mg and 50mg on alternating days. It's a very slow drug to show signs or effects however, and we probably won't know whether I am getting any benefit for a month or two.

Right now I could do with a sleep, lol. Another one of those things that has gotten screwed up over the last couple of weeks.

Kat and Laura: Thanks to both of you. *huggles*

[SoMuchMore]

*hugs* it does sound like you've been really busy! I'm glad you were able to get to your GP, even if it was a confusing result. Also, keeping my fingers crossed that your mood doesn't drastically change with all the med changes. Hope you get some sleep, hun. Thinking of you.

[Kahlia1981]

Laura: *huggles* The good thing about the result with my GP was that he actually acted. My last bloods were borderline low, and this one went lower again and involved all three parts/hormones tested. He could have waited another three months and re-tested, but he decided to act immediately.

I don't know what it is, but I always seem to just get started on some uni work when I get interrupted to the tune of losing several hours of study time. I'm on here quickly this morning before I jump into my uni work while my o.h. is asleep. It would be lovely to get things done without interruptions though, lol.

My psych doctor has approved my intentions with regards to decreasing the lithium so I begin that in roughly two weeks. He even thanked me for the detailed update (followed by a comment in parenthesis where he observed that detailed is what he always gets...). The big test will be the removal of the lithium - from his point of view not mine. If there is absolutely no change OR my mood state lifts, the lithium is an evil drug not to be retried. If, by any chance, the removal appears to upset the equilibrium, it can be retrialled. I hate the supposed "magical properties" lithium is said to have. (Such as protecting people from attempting suicide, even though they just made an attempt and are on lithium....)

I'd probably better stop bitchin and get into my study. I have a feeling though that my o.h. will wake as soon as I begin...

[Kahlia1981]

This week has definitely been interesting. I got the marks back from two of my assignments and was quite pleased with them. I'm up to date on all my work and getting geared up in preparation for my mid-semester break that unfortunately is going to involve watching an awful lot of statistics lectures. But exams are just around the corner and I need to hone my knowledge and skills.

I'm trying to decide what to put on my cd for my MRI. Trying to ensure that the music is upbeat and loud so that I remain as calm as possible is going to be fun. I wish they had the capacity for an MP3 cd so I wouldn't have to worry about running out of different material whilst in there.

I've seriously gotten kicking in research for the wedding. We are hoping we will be able to ask the appropriate person if we can hire their hall for the reception and there is a chance we will get it for free. Any reduction in costs will be beneficial right now.

Life may be as we find it, but that doesn't mean it's how we have to leave it...

[Merc]

YAY to good marks. Your hard work and planning is to thank...and being smart :P.
Hope the hall works out and all goes to plan.
Good luck for the MRI...they aren't fun are they?
xx

[Timeless Wounds]

Hey Khalia its so nice to read your last post, my heart was trembling. Im new just joined, started reading your original post back in 2008, and you said something about suicide which got me extremely worried. Its so nice to know your here with us. Your an inspiration.
Hope all is well. Hugs x. Take Care Be Safe

[Kahlia1981]

romp: Thanks for your well wishes. I hate MRI's but thankfully this was a fairly quick one and I didn't make the mistake of trying to sit up whilst inside the tunnel (for a change). Not a good place to have a panic attack lol. *hugs*

Timeless Wounds:Thank you for replying. I really hope that you are finding RYL a useful resource in the battle against SI - in whatever form that takes for you. *hugs*

Well I haven't been around for quite awhile now... things have just been chaotic to the extreme. I've now had my MRI and the follow up appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon and he's going to go back into my shoulder to fix the "new" issues it is presenting with. His registrar isn't so keen on my even being inside the clinic and I don't think that he can understand why the surgeon wants to operate. The registrar seems extremely familiar and I think he was a registrar for my local hospital admission earlier this year. He has been obstructive twice now - the same number of times I've seen the surgeon. Initially he told me that I would get an injection and then be on my merry way - and the surgeon told him to order scans. This last time.... The registrar told me that all I needed was physio and the surgeon walked in to tell me I need surgery..... I don't want to be in his shoes if he keeps getting things miles wrong.

I'ts now just over two weeks since I discontinued the lithium and six weeks from discontinuing the lamotrigine. My psychiatrist has a couple of back up plans in place including asenaphine which is only being released in Australia in early December. My doctor is wanting me to sit still with the medications that I'm on at present in order to see if we are having a honeymoon period after the discontinuations or whether the mood reaction is genuine. He did however indicate that the asenaphine is the drug of choice for me if things do start to slip.

The worst thing about the surgery on my shoulder is that we have no idea when it is going to happen. This means we aren't even able to look at a date for the wedding and my uni studies are up in the air in a lot of respects. It would have been much easier if the surgeon had wanted to take a wait and see approach for a couple of years or said he wanted to operate then and there. *sigh* I just hope it doesn't completely screw up my uni.

I have my exams in the next two weeks and then manage to get a christmas/new year off studying for a change. The few months break I get will be welcomed with open arms, for their rarity if nothing else. It will be lovely to have a chance to just take the pressure off for a little while.

Still, exam preparation and theatre restaurant performances will keep my busy until both are over and then I think I will schedule in a number of days in which to collapse... Now I could do with a sleep.

[crazykat]

Hi Kahlia,
Well done on your good marks. I hope the hall works out for you guys too. Sorry to hear about your shoulder, hope you get things sorted. I hope you continue to do well on the med changes. Good luck for your exams

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks hun. *huggles*

Well 2 out of 3 exams set, paperwork in for the deferral of the third, theatre restaurant finally over and all I would like to do is sleep, thank you very much.

I won't write much tonight as I have to have an early morning tomorrow and my sleep schedule has been completely screwed around for the last few weeks. *sigh*

Here's to waking up and being refreshed after tonight's sleep!

[Pomegranate]

Sounds like you are doing really well Kahlia, I imagine it isn't always easy but you should be so proud of yourself! I hope you get a good night's rest and your final exam goes ok. Thinking of you x

[Kahlia1981]

It's been quite a while since I've written - since I've even been on RYL. It just seems to have been one thing after another, but now I'm sitting here in hospital and I have the time, energy and desireto try and get my thoughts in order.

I received two HD's for my two exams that I sat and was granted a deferred exam for the third subject which is to be sat in January.

The final weekend of theatre restaurant was quite harrowing. The basic situation was that the hall kept having power outages - not just on their local board but on the power pole itself. One night in particular, we were told by the electrician to keep everything electrical that was costly switched off. That meant that the lights and sound equipment all needed to remain switched off until we got the nod from the electrician. Despite being told this the MC decided that he needed a microphone and turned on the desk risking over $10,000 worth of sound equipment. To say the least, my fiance was quite angry and we both very nearly walked out on the show. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but with the difficulties already caused by that particular person it was the last straw. My father decided to give me a lecture on "teamwork" but the biggest error in his argument was in saying that we should have to put up with being ignored, abused and so forth and in return we work miracles to make the sound and lighting run smoothly. That kind of two-way partnership is not what teamwork means to me...

Several weeks ago (long after both the lithium and lamotrigine had left my system) I experienced a depressive episode that is continuing and has seen me travel back up to Cairns to go to hospital. I had started setting a suicide date and planning my methods out so that no-one would know what had happened, or was happening, until too late. My mood would drop every day and often quite suddenly to the extent that I was unable to speak or be part of the world outside my head. My fiance treated me with 1 or 2 mg of Xanax in order to keep me going.

My psychiatrist submitted the paperwork for me to be hospitalised as he was going away for about a month and I had to wait over a week for a bed to become available, though I knew a few days after the paperwork had been received that I was accepted. In some ways the wait was extremely difficult because it was indefinite - nobody had any idea when a bed would become available or how I sat on the waiting list. If we'd had a time guideline it would have been much easier to take. As it was we were nearly getting prepared to apply to send me to Brisbane as my mood drops and associated symptoms continued to get worse.

I travelled up to Cairns about the 12th of December and have been here since then. I had a different psych this time as my previous one is away - no comment on whether he is gone for good or just gone temporarily. It's also interesting that they only have two psych consultants and therefore are limited to 15 beds instead of the 40 that would see them at full capacity. My fiance sat in on the first meeting I had with my inpatient psych and we impressed upon him that we were seeking assistance with my depression of a medication change variety - and mentioned at the same time that we were looking to have kids after we marry.

The first weekend I was here the psych was convinced that there was an environmental cause for my mood issues so all that happened was that I was observed. By the Monday he had worked out that it was a clinical type depression with no environmental cause. Then we could finally move on to the treatment stage.

We discussed several different ways of treating the mood issue - which by this time was including auditory and visual hallucinations - and, in light of our future desire for children, he increased my thyroxin from 25 mg one day 50 mg the next to 50 and 75 mg respectively and increased my Seroquel XR by adding 50 mg in the morning. The alternative medications we considered/are considering are asenapine (Saphris) and ziprasidone (Zeldox or Geodon). By Thursday it was obvious that the 50 mg increase was not helping so he increased it to 100 mg in the morning. His intention was to take me up to 1200 mg per day (or higher) and attempt to complete the treatment with the Seroquel due to it being safe in pregnancy.

We also set up on Thursday a Plan B (asenapine). I'd been trying to explain all this to my fiance, but he couldn't understand why we weren't jumping straight in to the asenapine. Then yesterday he rang the nurses and asked them what the hold-up was. Now, I had no problem with him ringing the nurses, but I was livid that he didn't ask me first. He rang me and told me that he'd spoken to the nurses and then kept asking me why I was "refusing" the asenapine. I ended up hanging up on him, taking my room phone off the hook, switching off my mobile, and then changing my paperwork so that he no longer is able to access anything to do with me and my treatment.

I know that he did what he did in my best interest, but I felt betrayed. Especially when he was going off half-cocked based on notes that left out massive parts of all decisions made. I kept asking myself what else he had done behind my back. Probably stupid, petty thoughts, but I'm not at all well as on Friday my low mood and hallucinations had worsened to a point where I've been suicidal and almost unable to stop crying. I confess that I took off my engagement ring after he rang me. I was incredibly hurt.

About three hours later (when my phones alarm caused the phone to turn itself back on) and I had calmed myself down I told him that he could ring me, and explained what I was upset about via text. We spoke and were both in tears for much of the conversation. We spoke twice more yesterday and a few times today and I've put the ring back on my finger but my inability to trust him right now is extremely obvious, though I wish it was not.

So now I'm sitting in hospital in tears knowing that I'm hurting and he's hurting and the on-call psych doesn't really want to play around with my meds so my mental health is continuing to deteriorate and I feel awful for having been upset by him ringing the nurses. I know what he did was for the best, and I would have quite willingly agreed to it, but I was just really hurt that he didn't think to ask me if it would be okay.

Tomorrow I should see my psych and start on the asenapine (after I got them to put a note in the files yesterday saying that Plan A had failed and Plan B needed to be implemented as soon as was practicable). It's been a week where not much got done, but at least something should start happening this week, and although I won't be home for Christmas or New Year, I should be home the following week.

I have to go as I'm being carefully watched due to my suicidal thoughts and urges and need to hand back the cord to my laptop. I have to admit it has been incredibly therapeutic to type all the detritus that has gathered in my head out. I just wish I could feel okay again.

[SoMuchMore]

*cuddles you tight*

Oh, Kahlia. I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I hope that Plan B works a lot better than Plan A.

Also, I'm sorry to hear about the argument with your fiance. That would have made me very angry too if I was in your situation, even though I'm pretty sure what he did was because he is worried about you. I think that you can rebuild your trust with him though, not all at once, but slowly, if he can show you that he trusts you and you can trust him again. Don't try to force it though.

I'm so glad you were able to write all this. I know I'm not always very good with advice, but I care a lot about you and always hope for the best. Remember you are so strong, you can get through this.
Always around if you need to talk, hun.

[Pomegranate]

It is good to see you about Kahlia even if you are not able to report more positive news. I wish things were easier for you at the moment but hopefully plan B will kick in and things will improve soon. I'm proud of you for taking the decision to be admitted.

[Merc]

Just wondering how you are?? Not been around much, sorry.
Really hope the hospital helps and you can be home soon.
xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Laura: *huggles you right back* I know that my fiance called the nurses because he was worried and he knew that I quite often shut down when I'm not feeling well. It was our first ever argument and we are working on rebuilding trust, slowly but shorly.

Emma: *huggles* Thanks. It was difficult to decide that an admission was necessary - particulary this close to Christmas. I'm glad I came up even though last weekend was particularly bad. I'm sorry I haven't been able to check in and see how you are going.

Romp: I'm doing better now than I was when I last wrote. Thanks for your well wishes.

Well it's now Thursday the 22nd of December, my fiance is coming up to Cairns tomorrow in order to ensure that I'm not on my own for Christmas, and I've been on the asenapine (Saphris) since Monday. It's a sublingual tablet with a bad taste/aftertaste that gives you a weird tingling, numb sensation of the tongue. I can't eat or drink for 10 minutes after taking the tablet so at present I walk downstairs, get a drink from the dining hall and go outside for a couple of smokes (allowing 10 minutes to pass) before getting into my drink. I started on a test dose of 5mg on Monday, moved to 5mg b.d. (twice daily) on Tuesday and today moved to 5mg morning, 10mg night. The psych wanted to start reducing my seroquel today, but I've asked him to hold off until Saturday when my fiance and I are meeting with him to discuss my treatment and progress. The current dose of the seroquel is a bit of a security blanket for me, being the only level that got rid of my auditory hallucinations and I'm very nervous about having it removed, even with the new drug in place. I did tell the psych that.

I woke up this morning and nearly pushed the nurse-call button. My back was the problem causing me to have electric pain shooting down my legs. It took me at least half an hour to be able to get to a sitting position. A couple of minutes to touch my feet to the floor and stand and so on. What makes it worse is that the only painkiller I am allowed to have is paracetamol... Not really any use in that situation.

One of the night nurses broke the rules this morning. When I came down at 06:00 with my load of washing and laundry detergent he allowed me to make myself a coffee. Normally the dining hall is closed until breakfast time (07:30) so I've been trying to get used to not having a coffee immediately after waking, and getting, up. I'm struggling to get used to not being able to get up in the middle of the night and go out for a smoke. *sigh* The things you take for granted...

Anyway, my mood has improved since last weekend, partly because on Monday we started doing something, making steps towards fixing the problem, and partly because my fiance is coming up. It's a bit too early to make a proper call on the new med, but I would have to say at this point that there seems to be some positive signs. The only trouble I had was some anxiety as a side-effect the first two days and trouble taking it tonight because I went up from the 5mg to the 10mg and they didn't have any 10mg tablets, hence I had to take two 5mg's. The world is looking a bit brighter than it was.

I hope that everyone who reads this has a wonderful christmas and a good start to the new year. I'm trying to write more frequently so I can look back and work out what was going on and what I'm doing that is working. To bed, to sleep and wake tomorrow hopefully not in pain.

[Kahlia1981]

Well Merry Christmas to all. It's been lovely having my fiance up here spending Christmas with me especially as we should be going back home together on the 28th of December. Yesterday was also another milestone on my SI free journey.

The psych appears to be trying to keep me in hospital until the beginning of January, however I have spent more time outside the unit then inside over the last couple of days and have even managed to face the Boxing Day Sale crowds and the crowds at the lagoon on the Esplanade with no problems whatsoever. All I really want to do now is to head home to my own house, with my family and friends being close. I feel like there isn't really a point to my remaining in the hospital so I want to go home. I don't think that that is too much to ask personally.

I've been thinking this evening that the Veterans board could do with a thread on coping with slip-ups and setbacks in a constructive manner. I think I might actually start one when I have a moment and get my head together properly. I think a lot of the Vets would benefit from being reminded that slips are a normal part of life and that how we cope with them is what is important. I don't know, but it seems to me that we quite often forget that we are only human and expect far more from ourselves than we really should.

I don't know, just a thought I guess...

[crazykat]

Thinking of you. That thread sounds like a good idea