Thank you. I don't let people close enough in personal relationships to feel needy towards them but I do tend to latch on to professionals who support me. I find it difficult to deal with distress on my own.
I had an appointment with my CPN then with my psychiatrist today. My psychiatrist was asking me how long I've been more suicidal for but it's really hard to explain because it's a constant 'on' with lots of periods of 'more suicidal' and brief breaks and then I'm hit with things again and I don't know if it's worse than the time before. I told him that last night was difficult and about what I ended up doing. He asked if there was anything more they could do for me right now. I said no. He offered a short admission to hospital and said we would aim for discharge on Tuesday and he asked if that was something I'd be interested in. I said no. He said it's an option. I don't know if it's an option I should take or not.
My CPN is going to be off work soon, she gave me a piece of paper with an appointment with another CPN on it in 3 weeks time. I will likely see the CSW a couple of times before then but that's not the best support for me. This is going to be really hard. It was hard enough waiting just over a week to see my CPN. I apologised to my CPN for making her reach over a bit too much when she was handing me the paper with the appointment on it. I'm so selfish. I should have made more effort and moved forward myself. She said I notice the little things and that I hadn't done anything wrong. I still feel sorry. I do so many bad things. I'm trying to put that one out of my mind because I feel upset thinking about it and it will trigger off thoughts of many more bad things I've done. I'm so sorry. I wish I was a better person. I'm just a fucking monster.
I sort of don't believe my body would even have any physical impact, in death mainly, because I don't fully exist. There would be no pieces of me left over if I could find a way to eliminate myself. I often think big things can't hurt me like being hit by a car etc but at the same time I worry a lot that someone might decide to drive into me or push me in front of a train or something. I feel a bit confused about how I have been put together and in what form I exist. Little things hurt me, cat scratches, bumps, self harm, so big things would be likely to hurt me too. I feel sort of invincible to huge physical trauma/illness/accidents but I'm not going to test it out just in case and I don't wish for any of those things to happen.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Do you think a short admission would enable you to access to suport you need to move forward a bit? By moving forward, I mean feeling less suicidal. It might hel you to break the cycle that you're in at the moment. Give you a bit of a rest, you know? Life can be exhausting at times.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I'm really sorry things are so difficult. I hope that you can find something that helps life feel a bit more manageable just now.
It might be worth considering an admission, I agree that it might give you a bit of breathing space and hopefully stop things continuing to get worse. Do you feel you could ask to see the other CPN sooner if you need to?
Thinking of you.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I'm not sure about an admission. I don't know how to tell if it would be helpful because I think my last short admission was helpful but then I consider the negatives of hospital like possibly being triggered in a smothered type environment, lack of sleep, boredom, judgements, and not least of all the problems it would cause for my brother and my cats. I really don't know if it would reset things. I can see that in the past hospital has got me away from home situations and having to deal with things by myself when I don't have appointments, and I had a bit of a clearer head when I came home because of the novelty of being back but it doesn't last long. I'm only allowed a maximum of 3 short admissions a year and I worry about wasting them. I worry also about my sleep getting messed up when I come home because I will have had to be up early in hospital. I don't even know if the lady who looks after my cats still has a cattery. Plus the hospital staff don't understand that I still need support even though it's a planned admission rather than an emergency admission. I think they see me as needlessly taking up a bed and the hospital psychiatrist is very strict about when I will be discharged because I'm not 'acutely unwell.' I may as well just plod on at home I think. It might have been a good idea to go in for a bit when my CPN is off but it also might not. I have no idea how to make this decision but I am more swaying towards staying at home.
I think the CPN who I will be seeing near the end of the month is going to be off at some point too. My CPN did tell me when but I can't remember. My CPN will be at work on Monday-Wednesday next week but she's on the duty team (crisis/extended hours) and she said they're not allowed to make appointments any more but if I need to be seen I should phone her. I feel like a bad person because I have had appointments with them in the past and there must be a problem with having appointments since they're stopping it now which means I have done something wrong even though it wasn't seen as wrong in the past.
The gym group today was quite horrible. Everyone got together with the instructor to do the circuits and I was trying to make up my mind if I would do it or not. He had added different things and I decided that I didn't want to take part. I don't think I would have taken part even if it was all the same things. I said to the support worker who was taking the group and inevitably to the rest of the group and the instructor that I didn't think I wanted to do it because I haven't managed to do any of the things right and I just feel stupid. The instructor said I didn't have to do everything but I felt like an idiot so I said I'd rather not do it and the support worker said I could do my planned workout in my notebook. While I was talking I was hugging myself and rocking. I look like a freak. Now I've alienated myself from the group because I will be going off on my own. The support worker didn't ask if I was ok once they had finished, they all just kept on chatting. She didn't seem to realise I was upset. I was trying to hide it anyway because I felt like only a child would feel like I did. After they finished they did some things on their own and the instructor still spoke to individual people but he didn't speak to me. I'm such a child.
I was muttering to myself about my stupidity when I was in the cubicle getting changed but I kept trying to stop myself in case there was some kind of microphone in there broadcasting my mutterings so everyone could laugh at me. I was the only person who needed to get changed before and after the gym and people waited on me each time. I wasted their time. I didn't deserve them to wait. I thought to myself in the gym that I don't exist but then thought at that point it's more like my importance doesn't exist. I felt like an idiot in the cafe too. I'm quiet and then will ramble on about something stupid for ages and then go quiet again. I am pathetic and weak and immature.
My brother probably thinks horrible stuff about himself too. That's really, really sad. We're both damaged and I don't know if any healing can be done.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
So low. Just so, so low. It goes on and on. And another person I was in hospital with is dead. Death is possible. I think about doing X but then think about the consequences. Always consequences. I need a delete button for myself. I can't get any relief because I can't overdose or self harm well enough and I don't want to learn new ways to cope I want to be destructive. My huge hatred for myself needs to come out in a physical way, I can't see any other way to adequately express it and punish myself. I am chronically ill. But BPD gets better with age, do I even want that? When I was in my 20s my psychologist said it will get better in your 30s, now I'm in my 30s supposedly it will get better in my 40s. I want to act on impulse and seriously hurt myself. I want to do lots and lots of risky things. There is no way out and I am terrified. I can't keep waking up to this and then it's bed time again and I can't sleep for ages. I am a disgrace and an absolute waste. I can't keep doing this and doing this and doing this. There needs to be an exit. I'm trapped and I am so hugely afraid.
Help.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am needy. Do I have more needs than people without BPD? BPD is the worst condition for receiving empathy and compassion even though it is a condition where it is needed so much. In a book I read about treating chronically suicidal patients, focusing on those with BPD, it was as if the writer was saying that people with BPD shouldn't be given what they need. We have to be forced to be like a 'normal' person without BPD. I am sorry. I stand on my own as much as possible. It's so long until I see my CPN and I'm missing contact with her. I've been struggling but don't know who to get in touch with since most of the people involved in my support aren't available right now. I'm worried about my support worker/key worker, he has been off work for many months now.
My days are filled with worry about my brother, and worry about my future, and hatred towards myself. Yesterday I was noticing more when I was thinking about my brother and it really does seem excessive and obsessive. I'm trying to take a step back. I wake up in the morning feeling dread and then soon after I will compare my life to my brother's and think about how awful things must be for him. My psychiatrist asked me if seeing people enjoying the weather makes me jealous, it doesn't but a thought I have often is 'I wish my brother was feeling the enjoyment that other people are.' I read books and articles about MH and a lot of the time I'm thinking 'my brother feels that way.' I think I should have to bear my brother's pain because he has to bear it but I don't believe anyone else should bear my pain. I know my pain does affect people to some extent and I feel bad about that. His well being is more important than mine but right now I can't do anything to ease his pain. I don't know if he does anything except drink alcohol. I don't know if he gets a break. It's hard to take a step back from him, he needs saved. I want to pull him out of torture. What if he can't do it for himself? Things could get much worse as time passes. Anything bad could happen. I'm scared.
I'm meeting up with my friend tomorrow. I haven't seen her for a long time or had any proper social contact with friends for many months. I'm not looking forward to it. I agreed to meet up because she's supposed to be moving to England but then she said she might not be able to. It's horrible that I'm wishing she would move away so there isn't so much pressure for us to have contact.
My neighbour was weeding my drive yesterday. I had a brief awkward chat with him. There is no way that everyone isn't thinking awful things about me. I do absolutely nothing for myself that takes effort. I hate myself. I got up this morning and the council were cutting my grass, 3 people. The man across the road from me is a pensioner and he had his lawn mower out and was going to cut his grass himself. I am an absolute lazy (swear word). I have an easy life. Other people with MH problems go through the battle of dealing with symptoms and dealing with adult life but I pretty much don't. I seriously need to be dead.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It is true how dismissive people can be of people with BPD and it's disgusting. Know however there are many people out there who disagree with this bullshit. Before my BPD diagnosis was scrapped this year I found (and still find in some respects) this facebook group quite helpful and supportive.
With regards your brother if you believe the thoughts have become obsessive at least you've had the strength of mind to identify that and hopefully be able to begin to work on that issue, possibly with CC or whoever.
Please try not to feel guilty (easier said than done) for not being able to do some of the things you wish you could. You wouldn't bear yourself up if you had a physical condition preventing you from doing these things would you? Mental health issues are just as valid and can be just as dehabilitating.
*hugs*
Also you may hate yourself, but I think you are awesome, caring and inspirational. So there.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
I will have a look at the Fb group but I'm a bit wary about groups like that. Do you know if my friends on Fb would be able to see my posts if I was to join but they weren't a member of the group?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't think they could but you could always private message the owners of the group and double check. Also even if you didn't feel comfortable posting, sometimes just reading other peoples' posts and the responses can be helpful
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
I had a difficult night last night when in bed. So many urges/ideas/seemingly important risky things to be done. I was awake and thinking for longer than usual I think and trying to decide if I should just stay in bed or go and do the things that were coming into my head. I did stay in bed because I was so tired. There are lots of important things to be done that are best done at night when people aren't around because these things involve going outside. Messages from the men have stuck with me and come up even when the men aren't around. I can't keep plodding along. I have to act. It's important on so many levels. I wish I wasn't so tired at night. I'm always saved.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I feel like I desperately need help or I desperately need to do risky things but I feel unable to reach out for help or do anything risky. I am really, really, upset that I don't act impulsively much any more and that I can't self harm well enough or overdose and that something like the fear of getting back into the pattern of staying in bed into the afternoon stops me from following orders at night most of the time. The reaching out part can't be done because what do I even say? I'm not at a crisis point, I don't have many words to explain things, I meet no criteria for getting help right now. It's all just vague stuff with no answers. I think again about my psychiatrist offering me a short admission to hospital but I don't think I should be there because I'm not acutely unwell and that would be taking up a bed unnecessarily. There seems to be no step down where I can get support staying somewhere for a few days without it being hospital. There are no crisis houses around here and I am not in a crisis anyway. I just so need to act on impulse and let these thoughts and behaviours out as they need to be. I can't cope with holding it all in and there is no other way to express anything adequately.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sorry that things are so difficult. I can understand how difficult it can be to reach out for help, but it's okay to need support and you deserve it as much as anyone else. It's sometimes difficult to define whether you're in 'crisis' but it doesn't really matter. It's often a good idea to reach out sooner rather than later and hopefully stop things from getting worse. Do you think it would be worth ringing the cmht tomorrow and trying to speak to someone? Or is there anyone you can call tonight if you need to?
Can you think of anything that might help even a tiny bit just now?
Try to take good care of yourself x
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I haven't got in touch with anyone. I just really don't know what to say, I know that if I spoke to someone they might ask questions that help me to explain things but I don't know if I can find the courage to phone anyone. At this moment I'm really only comfortable talking to my CPN. Even if I said to anyone about the impulses etc I've been having they would probably say it's fine because I haven't acted on them. It is fine. There is nothing that can be done for me in this weird state I'm in, while there are no real concrete problems or words. That hurts because I can't say 'can you help me with X' or whatever. I'll be going a walk with the support worker from the CMHT on Monday but I don't find her helpful to talk to, I don't feel like she recognises how hard things are she usually normalises them. I don't even know what I need or want right now, only that I wish I could talk to my CPN but she deserves some time off of course. And people have often said to me that they are trying to get their patients to become less reliant on services so I guess I should be standing on my own two feet. I am not strong enough.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Panic. Fuck! Can't even act on it! Someone I was in hospital with is unwell again and has run away from hospital. Awful things are happening to so many people. Mental illness seems to be everywhere right now with all the personal suicides and celebrity suicides etc. I need to do something big because my feelings are too big and I can't get them out. I am scared that I will never reach a treatable crisis point again and I'll just be stuck in misery with no focused pain/situation that could be treated. There aren't enough words. There are zero words. This is not an explainable hard time for me. I rely on words but it's all just feelings at the moment and things that no one would take seriously. I can't sit with this but I don't seem to be able to do anything risky either. I don't know what to do. I need out of life. Just take one step and if it goes wrong then it goes wrong, because it could go right.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Low. Pointless. I don't think there is any point to my life at all, there is nothing I want from it and nothing I can see that might be fulfilling. As bad as this sounds at this moment I just want to fill my life with self harm and risk taking but it's either not possible or it's not the 'right' thing to do and I have to think about how it would affect others. I feel like I need reassurance and comfort too and I'm sad that I don't have close relationships but at the same time I don't want to be suffocated by people. I prefer distant relationships with friends and closer relationships with professionals because I don't worry so much about hurting them with my issues. I am pathetic.
People keep going on about how I have potential, but that's past potential. Maybe I could achieve some things but everything feels like too much. Life is as comfortable as it's going to get. I just so hope that when external pressures become too much I can kill myself. Why live if it's just about suffering? I wish I had the right words to say to someone, please help me, but saying those words won't get me very far unless I have explanations to back them up. My words are failing me. My CPN will be back the week after next week and I'm seeing her on the Friday, she is the only person who seems to ask the right things and listens enough. There will be too much for me to talk about since she's been off for 3 weeks now and she'll also want to focus on a values thing my previous psychologist sent her to work through with me so I might not get to offload. Offloading is a temporary release anyway. I need out of life for good. I am really sad and I wish I would take one step that will be sure to kill me but although death is certain for everyone getting there can be difficult.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
How is it even possible to get some reassurance and support when you're an adult, only have professional relationships, and can't self soothe most of the time? I can't get what I need from professional relationships because of course they don't want anyone to get too attached and reliant on them. It's not really their job to offer comfort and help ease emotional pain. If I expressed a need for support I would be pushed away because it would likely seem wrong, it's wrong to get support unless it's in a personal relationship and it's mutual. I am so needy. I am so childish. Everyone will be angry with me and tell me to grow up. I'm sorry that I have different levels of needs than 'normal' adults. I'm sorry for not being the adult I should be. But no one understands that I can't switch this off and my needs are not being met which really hurts. Maybe my needs are the same as 'normal' adults, I just don't have the relationships that allow them to be fulfilled. My CPN mentions a lot about how I'm there as a sort of Mum figure for my brother but that I have no one to be that for me. I'm selfish. I'm lonely. I'm hurting. I am immature. Grow up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can't deal with expectations and people comparing me to who they think I used to be or who they believe I could be. I need acknowledgement of my struggles, I need support. I want to express my fears and weaknesses and be responded to compassionately. I can't do it for myself. I fail at being an adult.
There's no way to get unstuck and thrive. Life is about relationships and work. I could never enjoy work. Relationships would become too much. If I had more friends I'd need to spend time with them. If I had a loving relationship I'd need to spend even more time with that person. They might want children, I 100% don't. There isn't even zero point something percent of me that wants children. If my partner had age appropriate parents I'd need to see them grow old and ill, I'd have to help look after them, I'd have to experience their death. I have no strength to even deal with small life pains and pressures, like getting out of bed when I'm really tired, I could never deal with proper adult life. It's going to come charging at me in some forms though. I can't avoid everything. Life things will hurt me and I won't have the right kind of relationships to help buffer some of the pain. I can't keep living this torture that isn't even proper torture. Proper torture will eventually be forced on me. Then what will I do?
I'm sorry for being weak, I'm sorry for repeating myself, I'm sorry for not seeming to be able to be a proper adult. I know everyone is sick of me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
